Standing alone,
Emotions bubble under your skin, flowing like liquid poison and feeling about the same, clawing to break free.
Wanting desperately for somebody to notice.
You hold back, just like you always have, afraid somebody will laugh or ignore you more than they already do.
All you want is to fit in, but you don’t know how.
You watch as people walk by with sad eyes, feeling as lost as anybody ever could.
Not knowing what to do, or what to say.
In the end when you open your mouth to say something, nothing comes out.
Instead, you just stand there, silent, mute.
People swarm by, in groups, laughing and making wild gestures.
Their voices catch and blow away in the wind, making them laugh harder.
You feel as if your voice has been swept away all together.
Words fill your head making it throb.
Alone, Sad, Scared, Dark, Grey, Fading, Drowning, Losing Myself, Nothing ,Ever, Alone, Alone, Alone.
People look over at you, not really seeing you and your eyes find something interesting to study on the ground.
Your barely there now, invisibility has taken you over, making you sink, making you blow away in the breeze until there is nothing left of you anymore.
Nobody notices you, not you, just the girl standing alone in the corner.
When you look up again nothing has changed, but when does it ever change?
The groups stop and talk, their tone is happy.
You watch them quietly, from your corner, wishing that you could be a part of that group but ever knowing what to say.
You are alone, just like before.
The Odd One Out.
Sadly you watch as everybody walks away, leaving you behind.
All alone, once again.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Hello ToBeMe,
Just here for RevMo2020. Overall the peice is enjoyable to read, but there are a few things that could use some attention
Tips
Word placement is everything! It sounds as if the people walking by have sad eyes, not you. You could say: "With sad eyes, you watch as people walk by."
This sentence is just a jumble of words. It makes no sense. Now if you broke them up into smaller groups and placed them in convenient places around the piece, it would make sense. But right now, it doesn't serve a purpose.
Just to sum it all up, watch out for word placement and make every line serve a purpose. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Keep on writing and have a great rest of your day!
Stellarjay
Hi there! New here, but I'm here to have a go at a review.
The first thing instantly noticed is all of the italicized lines. Generally italics are used to vary the words from other lines. I think that if you had used it for the the thoughts to self, that perhaps it would work better. The full story being italicized is a bit of a strain on the eye. For example "The groups stop and talk, their tone is happy." Could be italicized to show that it was a thought and then following with: "You watch them quietly, from your corner, wishing that you could be a part of that group but ever knowing what to say." in normal font to show it as more of a narrative.
"....a part of that group but ever knowing..." here I think you meant never. "Your barely there now, invisibility..." and here it should be you're.
Now on to what I did like. I enjoyed the way you worded this work and find that it is very easy to understand, and to relate to for many. It's a very common problem that affects many very deeply. I think many would enjoy this if they were to read it.
" Nothing, Ever, Alone, Alone, Alone." I really enjoyed the repetition here and I feel like it really brought more emotion and specific feelings forward.
Overall a few minor mistakes, but overall a great story with much to say and great emotion.