The next five minute seems so surreal; I can hardly believe that any of it is actually happening.
He turns up the radio and she reaches for another cigarette throwing her head back to laugh and turning back to me, sitting in the back seat to offer me one even though I’ve told her over and over I don’t smoke.
She throws her head back to laugh again, this time at something that he said, her laughter bubbling over the top.
Wild and reckless, young and free.
Her eyes shining.
Then we hear a sound coming from the bonnet of his father’s prized baby.
He curses and pulls over to the side of the dark stretch.
Smoke fills the air around us- a mixture of her cigarettes and that coming from the bonnet over the car.
He yells out, cursing and I push myself out 0f the car, though the shiny door to see what is wrong.
She follows shaking out her long light hair, still laughing- the situation still fully not dawning on her.
The engine has blown, he says, practically growling his words as he grabs his phone from the front of the car, cursing again when he see’s we have no reception.
The wind starts blowing and I look up to stare at the stares, gasping at their wonder, while he fiddles around with the engine, yelling out in triumph once he thinks he has done something right.
We pile back into the car and she pulls something out of her bag laughing and talking in what she must think is a sophisticated manner.
A moment later the car begins to moan and eventually regains life.
We drive in complete silence for a moment and then someone tosses a bottle at me.
It lands on my lap.
The writing on it is spindly and unclear but I undo the lid a bit a pour some of it into my mouth, gasping as it burns my though but taking another several mouthfuls before I throw it back.
That’s when I notice the lights behind us.
“What?” I gasp out and he looks into his review mirror swerving as he does.
The car crashes into the bank at the side of the road.
“What the...?” He gasps out and swears as something swerves into the bank next to us.
The lights go out.
Time keeps speeding on by.
Everything is going faster now, picking up.
Like a wave.
The music blasts through the car like a shriek.
That’s about the time my mind stops paying attention and remembering back now I wish I had been paying
more attention.
Because that night, I had my chance to save them, but now it’s too late.
That was the night I failed.
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141,348 Literary Works • 674,370 Reviews
Hey, I'm here to review you.
Well first of all the bold writing is kind of distracting and you shouldn't have those spaces in between the sentence because it almost make it look like a poem. But if it is a poem you got it right. Your writing is good buts it's all the same, teens,drinking,driving, theirs an accident and they die, peer pressure. All the same, and I really could care less about the accident. Your story just doesn't have any emotion in it like some others do.
I think all your readers expected what happened at the end, and your saying the same thing in "The next five minutes feel so surreal" and " i can hardly believe its real. You also should have said it's chapter one because a prologue is more of introducing a story and what you wrote was more of a memory. I would take your other comments in concideration because they hold really good advise and you could use it.
Not to sound harsh or anything...
Hi there, I'm here to review this for you.
Firstly, I want to mention that your bold and italic formatting is quite distracting and you might want to just keep the text as it's regular style so it's easy on the eyes and to read.
Alright, so I agree with mostly everything that was said below me by Stellabeam. You don't need to capitalize the wind and reckless part. I know this is a prologue but it lacks description and emotion and honestly, I think of this as the beginning of chapter one rather than a prologue. For one, a prologue is supposed to be that foundation that sets up a story or introduces it but this is more of a distant memory that can be told in the beginning of chapter one rather than a prologue. A novel doesn't always need a prologue either so don't feel as if it's necessary to have one.
Another thing is that your character seem to be very stereotypical. Teens, drinking, smoking, driving under the influence, laughing and peer pressure. It's all been done before so I don't really care about them getting into a car accident and I don't feel bad for the protagonist who thinks she could have stopped it. You should try to build some more character with them to make them stand out so when they do die, we can feel at least some sympathy for them.
Overall, it's all pretty interesting and I like how you barely give us the skin of the conflict and keep the mystery. You have a pretty good writing style but it needs more meat, more description. Keep it up and let me know if you need anything else.
-Pink
It looks like you have a great story rolling unraveling here. I just have a couple comments/suggestions to help improve it even more. “The next five minute seems so surreal; I can barely believe that it’s real.” You’re saying the same thing in “I can hardly believe it’s real” as when you are saying “surreal”. So to avoid being repetitive, I recommend cutting out the part after the semicolon.
Don’t capitalize every other word in the sentence “Wind and Reckless, Young and Free.” Just capitalize Wind (did you mean wild?) and leave the rest lowercase. I realize you’re trying to make a point; but you are writing a story/book and not poetry. In poetry you can bend the rules of grammar a little bit, not so much in story writing.
“the engine has blown, he says, practically growling his words as he grabs his phone from the front of the car, cursing again when he see’s we have no reception.
The wind starts blowing and I look up to stare at the stares, gasping at their wonder, while he fiddles around with the engine, yelling out in triumph once he thinks he has done something right.” In here it’s unclear whether he actually fixed the car since it’s stated he “thinks he has done something right.” You don’t have to change this sentence but make sure to add another one saying that he did before you start driving again.
Last, but not least “Because that night, I had my chance to save them, but now it’s too late.” You explain the it’s too late part in the next sentence and taking that part out will add more tension and fluidity to the story.
Hope this helps!