"Okay so, let's summarize what happened so far..."
Once again, my dear mind shard was about to throw some sarcastic sentences at me...It was really good that our dialogues were... Silent.
"Be my guest..."
"Lost several times to Crystial..."
"Those were past defeats."
"Prepared a plan in order to get some revenge..."
"A good plan might I add."
"Crafted a new Oryktia weapon just for the occasion..."
"Mojuko's the name DG. Don't forget that."
"Trained hard... And lost again. Miserably."
"I wouldn't say that. She outsmarted me and that's it. We may have failed, but the brawl was quite intense. And once again, she could barely stand up."
"A defeat is still a defeat."
"Shut it DG, I know this!"
I was back in the forest, lying on the ground next to the remains of my last training target: an umpteenth tree. Once again, my plan failed. Once again, I couldn't do anything to avoid it. I was not a sore loser – far from it – and yet this defeat was particularly unforgivable. Perhaps because I considered Mojuko as my best weapon so far, at least in terms of balance and abilities. But the teacher didn't share my opinion...
"If you are not able to beat Crystial with your weapons" , he said, "then you are not worthy of the Golden Crafting Certificate yet. You already have the brawling certificate because of your skills, but although you are also skilled in Oryktia crafting, you also need to prove it to me by being on the top once more."
He probably said that because she was a pupil from the Main Academy, one of the biggest Oryktia Art Academy of the world, and me only a mere pupil from Rockenbor's academy, which wasn't as prestigious.
Reason why I needed to get out from it and go to the Main Academy, but as long as I couldn't beat my rival, that way was closed for me...
"Let's go admire Rockenbor a bit. Need to walk."
"Good idea DG. Back to the hill then."
Following my Dopplegänger's advice, I stood up and took the direction to Rockenbor. It was still the afternoon, which meant I had plenty of time before coming back home. And I needed some time alone anyway.
"Pitiful defeat indeed..."
I was never completely alone with DG around though...
I could hardly remember a time without my Doppelgänger in my mind. I was sure that he wasn't always there, but I couldn't recall when he first appeared out of nowhere and talked to me. I was scared at first, but little by little I got used to him and understood that it was an alternate fragment of my own personality.
But for some weird reason he would never answer to some of my questions, and most of our discussions took place at night, when I was going to bed. I used to talk about it to my friends, but I soon decided to keep that for myself: other kids were apparently not ready to hear a boy chatting about some inner ghost without automatically thinking he was crazy.
"Could think of better memories."
"It's inevitable DG. You know it."
I couldn't stop thinking about it sometimes. The irrational fear in their eyes. The feeling of being constantly a stranger to the others. Then the insults. With no adults to get help from, outside my family. Sometimes it felt like it was just me and DG against the world.
"But what happened after that period of suffering? Need to remember that too."
I smiled. He always knew how to cheer me up.
During my long period of suffering, I started to study drama – what would later become a constant hobby, and a part of myself – as well as nature in general, animals and plants. The first hobby allowed me to stop thinking about my frequent enemies and their awful behavior, and the second one to gain more knowledge and creativity. Without realizing it I was earning maturity and experience faster than any other kid from Rockenbor.
But that wasn't all.
Drama also allowed me to get my sweet, sweet revenge against my dreadful surrounding. They wouldn't target me anymore: they would fear me for the mad and dramatic demon that I had become just to utterly crush their evil doings against me.
And it. Felt. Good.
It wasn't the best way to resolve my problems, I was aware of it, but I found out that having a well-planned revenge is a good way to survive and somehow enjoy life.
"Don't have anyone to consider as a trusty friend though."
"Bah! Who cares. There are now people who appreciate me for what I am, and I can still be gentle to the ones who didn't do anything to me. It's not like I was mean to everyone."
"Like that lovely lady over there?"
Lovely lady?...
I was already at the foot of the small hill that overhang Rockenbor. I liked to come here to chat with DG and look at the city: it was the perfect spot for that.
However I usually did that on my own, and I didn't expected anyone to be here as well.
Especially not Crystial.
"She's more persistent. This is weird."
"What do you mean?"
"...Careful."
"What do you?... Ah, forget it. We'll chat tonight anyway."
I suddenly realized that Crystial was too busy admiring the city to notice me.
"Time for an old evil prank that everyone loves..."
"...Except the victims! I see you're already back to normal good old mind shard."
I silently approached the top of the hill, preparing my stupid yet delightfully enjoyable joke.
"Preparing the Pumpkin Ghost smile."
"You got it."
A few years ago I found out that I had the strange ability to stretch the muscles of my jaw to a longer extent that most of people. After some training, I also discovered that thanks to it I could extent my smile to irrealistic proportions, but I couldn't keep this up for too long because of the pain.
However, It allowed my face to look very creepy, and thus scaring people became even easier. I called it the "Pumpkin Ghost" smile because an old fairy tail of the same name. Books were also a good way for me to avoid thinking of the insults and odd glares I received frequently.
"Must act fast!"
"Oh, sorry."
I was right behind Crystial, now admiring the reflect of the sunlight on her hair. Finally, I slowly prepared the creepy smile on my face – She could hear the creaks of my jaw if I wasn't careful – and approached my face close to her right ear.
"Hi there."
As expected she immediately turned her face to the direction of my voice and screamed as loud as she could after seeing my smile.
"Mission complete", intervened my Dopplegänger. "Quick retreat before the possible slap."
"Worked better than expected."
"Are you crazy?!" she shouted, unaware of my silent dialog. "You scared me to death with your stupid joke!"
"Well... That was the point."
I could barely restrain my laugher. This was so awesome.
"childish mind..."
"Says the evil spirit who gave me the idea!"
"You're such a kid Dyrow!"
"In a way, you asked for it."
"...Huh?"
"Don't you remember? You tested – and successfully mastered – the sharp weapon character back in the club. But you still wanted to test the sharp tongue, right? Well here it is. Who's you're favorite by the way?"
A silence was sometimes louder than sound itself. And this current silence was incredibly loud after my last reply.
"I give up", she sighed. "Let's enjoy the view together, okay?
"let us feast our eyes then!"
We sat down next to each other and started contemplating the city we lived in.
Rockenbor was a city in development. It used to be a marvelous town, but the attacks of the Ischy Beasts, mighty demons that bore the ability to harness the mysterious energy that filled our world, had become more persistent and frequent, thus causing massive damage to most of our towns. Including Rockenbor.
As far as I could remember we humans always managed to dominate our environment and yet live in peace with it. We couldn't use the world's energy like the Ischy Beasts could, but our physical skills – as well as our brains – were good enough for us to survive and thrive as much as our wild neighbours.
But everything changed after an incredible discovery.
With Oryktia, also referred as the Mineral of Hope, we quickly managed to replicate and enhance the abilities that the Ischy Beasts had developed, using special artifacts called the Oryktia Stones. However our relationships with the Beasts went from bad to worse, and we had to defend our hardly earned knowledge from them. Why would they attack the towns right after this discovery? That was the big question.
Many towns like Rockenbor were then created in order to form youngsters such as myself to the Oryktia arts, both to learn more about this brand new science – or at least our teachers repeated us to consider it like a science, but using oral incantations always sounded magic to DG and I – and also to recruit some of them and make them fight against the Ischy Beasts.
To me, crafting and brawling were more hobbies than anything else. I was more interested in creating items to intensify my link with the world's energy than to battle against some unknown creatures. I had never seen an Ischy Beast but apparently they were well known for being overall dark skinned... And of course I, as a dark skinned boy, had to be considered as a Beast as well. Thus paying the unfair price for it.
"Not even sure those Beasts resemble to humans anyway..."
"Agreed! And the reasons we humans are sometimes born with a dark skin are probably differently from those Beasts... Hm! I wish I could see one to compare."
"Always be careful with wishes..."
"Yeah, yeah..."
"Um, Dyrow?"
"What's wrong Crystial?"
"My mom's here..."
"Oh..."
Crystial had wealthy parents. And in Rockenbor, being wealthy meant having many advantages, like getting the best Oryktia Stones and weapons. But It also meant hang out mostly with other socially wealthy people.
Therefore, being the company of a possible dark demon was pretty much frowned in Crystial's position.
"Don't worry, it won't be for long", she said with a tip of sorrow in her voice. "I'll be back for the weekends. You know I can be myself in the club..."
"It's alright, I'm used to it."
"Time for a last sarcastic remark."
"Good timing DG. I have a good one."
"Hey! Speaking of the club, you've been studying drama you little copycat! You never told me you were interested in that stuff!"
Crystial's cheeks rapidly turned red and she suddenly found an incredible interest at looking at the ground.
"Well hum...", she stammered, «You... You got me interested into it and... I thought it would be fun to try that..."
"Smells like sentimental interest", commented my mind shard. "But is it mutual?..."
"...You need to shut your big mind mouth sometimes..."
"On the other side, good work pulling out your Limpid Spear with a mental incantation. You're definitely better than last time."
She instantly looked back at me with a big smile on her face.
"I knew you'd notice! I had to work hard on it though, it's not an easy trick to pull out."
"Says the girl who had her Oryktia Stone served on a silver tray! I had to find mine on my own, y'know."
"But I still beat you fair and square, with my own crafted weapon."
"Point taken."
"...Well I believe you should go now, before my evil skin takes away your pure spirit into the depths of Hell."
"Dyrow..."
"Smell ya later, fated rival!"
It looked like she wanted to say something more, but she shook her head and left without saying anything else.
"Definitely sentimental."
"Don't mix up everything DG! I just..."
As fast as a lightning, a sudden idea popped into my head, instantly interrupting my chatting with my Dopplegänger. A chain of random words scrolled in my mind.
Weapon. Oryktia. Rock. Crush. Interest. Craft. Brawl. Next. Wish. Beast. Knowledge. Mix.
Mix.
"THAT'S IT!!!"
My shout alerted Crystial, who managed to hear me and turn back even though she was already down the hill, next to her mother.
But I didn't care. I was already running back to my house, my brain steaming up as I was thinking about all the possibilities my new idea could give me.
"DG, we need an urgent brainstorming tonight! It is imperative!"
"Crafting idea?"
"The perfect weapon! Cyfer's the name. I got the concept as well as the way I'll make it. We'll talk about it later, we need to hurry!"
"Weird name. Sounds promising."
I laughed at my Doppelgänger's last comment. He indeed always had the words to cheer me up.
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BACK! Hope you love me (don't hate me!)
Small thing, but I think this should be "to myself." And then a couple other things were that I noticed the short paragraphing again, so just consider combining some. And I also thought a doppelganger was a double of a person, so literally another body that was the same. Would it be balled something different because it's just in his mind?
I don't think you earn maturity, I think maybe "growing more mature with experience" or something.
This confused me because in the next sentence you talk about people, so "surrounding" isn't the right word, it should be something like "enemies" or "classmates" or "bullies."
"extend"
"because of..."
So this should be "reflection" but I also don't think that's the right word...
I keep finding spelling mistakes and that anal part of me really, really wants to fix them all! But I also don't want to so just sort of spell check in the future before posting.
So I liked this chapter a lot. The dialogue needs a little bit of work because at times it doesn't sound natural but mostly it's really clever and cute. Some of the narration is stiff but this chapter was better in that aspect than the other two. I'm intrigued! you have really good characters, even though the imagery is still lacking. For example: you talk about the city view but then don't describe the city at all. I'm going to say it again. Details my friend! Description
Bye!
Team Rouge.
Less grammar mistakes, and more about expressions: something that a spell checker can't check correctly.


DANG IT.
As for the dark skin part... Stay tuned :p I don't think I can explain that without spoiling you. It's kind of related to racism though, but I would rather say discrimination in general. You'll see why in a few chapters
Glad I'm getting better too.
Can't wait to read the other reviews
Hi again! I'm here to review, as promised!

This story is really interesting, you sure know how to make the story take an interesting and intriguing turn. You don't overload this, which is what a reader searches for. A good book knows how to lure the reader from beginning to end, like you do.
I'm still trying to figure out the plot -which is not taking me much effort. This story is like non I've ever read before, because it's amazing in it's own way.
I like that you started out this chapter by having an inner conversation with DG. I was really wondering how were you going to describe the brawl, it would've been difficult for me to do that. But the fact that you only mentioned that you lost was MIND BLOWING!
I loved how Dyrow explained the place he lives in and how people confused him with the creatures. How they denied that he was one of the people, too. This story is light and entertaining. You are an amazing writer.
As if for the relation ship with Dyrow and Crystial, it's real good development. But I surely would like to know about Crystial's mother more. If Crystial's upset about going with her mom or of just the fact of going? I'm not so clear on that part. But the rest is amazing!
How I said, The vocabulary is perfect and amusing! And I barely found any grammatical errors. Let me know when chapter 3 is out!!!
Keep up the good work!
~Marde!
Thanks for this extremly joyful review
" But the fact that you only mentioned that you lost was MIND BLOWING! "
I had to start by pointing out that you just mixed me (Tortwag) with Dyrow by saying that I lost instead of him, and I find that very amusing because Dyrow and I are actually very similar to a certain extent :p
In any case, wow, glad you liked that part too. Most of your questions will be answered on the next chapters, as the story continues.
Stay tuned!
~Shell Master Tortwag~
I'm back! Ready to rock on roll and find out more about this world you've created.
Again, I will review as I read so that I don't get my knickers in a twist.
I actually like that you haven't given us a blow by blow account of what happened in the battle between Dyrow and Crystial. It's different and everybody likes different on here.
I would say, again, that I would find a way to differentiate between the two thoughts going on here between the mind shard and Dyrow. It's just a little too hard to get to grips for me...haha I may be a bit dumb but HEY.
I understand that Dyrow and Crystial are studying at different Acadamies but maybe you could explain a bit further into why he would be battling someone that was of a higher standard to him? (OH WAIT. You definitely did just explain it. IGNORE ABOVE.)
You're very good at doing the explanation parts of your story - something I really struggle with to make it interesting - you seem to always manage to keep it light and fluffy rather than overloading me with piles and piles of information that I really don't want to know yet.
I'm still loving the relationships you're creating between Dyrwo and the mind shard and then Dyrow and Crystial. It feels believable, sweet and endearing.
Well done! I hope that some of this helps. I know I didn't offer as much suggestions on this chapter but know that I really did think it was great! So that's a good thing right?
Looking forward to chapter three already!
HAPPY REVIEW DAY TORTWAG!
Olive <3
sorry about this!
Hi there!
Happy Review day!
I love this! I read chapter one and had to read the next one. I love the idea of the doppelganger. It gives the right touch of humor and it is fun to read. Dyrow seems to be a promising character whom the reader immediately falls in love with.
I look forward to reading more!
Please do post on my wall with the link when the next chapter is up!
Keep writing.
-manisha