Ruptured Mind 2 (Ever-changing Title)

by TimmyJake

Published July 30, 2015

E - Everyone

In To See Your End

Author's notes:

One word describes this chapter - rough.

Changes: This is now their first day working here - so no parking every day in the same location. And the headsets? Those are gone, too (could bring attention to them). Anything else was either unintentional or I forget to mention it. :p Enjoy, and thanks for reading. <3

Tristen looked around the familiar building, nodding at the few people he recognized and surveying every inch of the colossal room before them. He didn’t know who he was looking for—security, do-gooders or police. There was a sense he felt when seeing someone suspicious, an inkling that tapped his mind like an annoying voice, whispering to him to bring his attention to certain security or librarians.

No senses tingled. All was well.

He continued into the light, stepping past the—

Zah still stood by the door, tourists and bookworms bumping his shoulders as they passed. His eyes were fixed to the high arches surrounding the sky-high dome above them. The sun blazed through the immense windows in each arch, throwing rays in crossing directions all about the library like flashing lights. Tristen had no doubt that a jet could fly through the expanse before them.

He forced his way through the tourists back to Zah, who remained frozen in stunned silence. Bumping him on the shoulder, he gestured to the room. “You like it?”

Zah breathed out. “I hate it.” He pointed to the statues below the arches, the books adorning every shelf, the hundreds of people walking and laughing in tiptoes around the library. “Tristen, do that to this place? It’d feel like I’m, well, you know, bro.”

“But if you don’t—”

“I know what would happen to me.” Zah made a slitting motion across his throat. “Doesn’t sound like a very cool way to go.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets, sniffed his nose. “I’ll hate every minute of it, but let’s do it, dude.”

Tristen nodded and turned without saying anything. There were always those moments where people weren’t sure if their direction was where they belonged, when a nudge in the right direction was needed. Tristen didn’t need the push—not now, not ever again. With her gone, there was no need to push him in any new directions, no need to change his mind.

Zah caught up to him, navigating his way through the circles of desks and nerds bent over their books towards him. “So, dude,” he whispered. “Today is surveillance only. See what’s going on, you know?”

“Yes, I remember.” Tristen stepped outside the outer circle, and walked around the perimeter of the dome, glancing through the arches around it as they passed the art gallery, lined with ancient paintings tucked behind glass. He made a mental note to search them later on for anything that’d hinder them—people or object. A suspicious librarian was the last thing he wanted following them around.

“Everyone is so oblivious here,” Zah commented. He jerked a finger to a teenager walking in front of them, eyes and thumbs glued to his phone. “He’s going to, like, walk into a wall or something.”

“One less kid to deal with.”

Tristen was used to Zah’s incessant chatter after months of working with him, but it still grated on his nerves. Moments like this were reserved for evaluating the building and deciding the method of destruction it needed. With Zah chattering at every possible moment with his fake American speech, it was difficult to take in anything save for what he pointed out.

“Upstairs, dude?”

Tristen dug his hands into his short pockets, clenching and unclenching his fists while he made his way around the room to the stairs on the opposite end, a staircase wider than his apartment and twice as long, ascending to the next level with unrestrained dignity. Zah trailed behind, throwing comments about the building and the art on the stair sides, the intricate swirls and figures carved into the wood, still beautiful after a hundred years.

“Right there.” Zah pointed to the center of the room at a main desk, surrounded by the others circling around it. A single old woman sat there, thumbing through a book and glaring at anyone who creaked the ancient desks. “Center of the room, the middle of everything.”

“You’re saying we have to put it there?” Tristen gave where he pointed a long look, then sniffed with a shake of the head. “It’s going to be near impossible to put one there, Zah. You know that.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Zah shrugged, leaning over the railing with one hand still clutching the white pillar beside him. “But otherwise, the, blast—”

“So what do you think about the architecture?” Tristen stepped around Zah, kicking his shin in passing as a reminder—shut up before someone hears.

“Dude… the what?” Zah screwed his face into a questioning look. “The texture on the arches looks just fine, bro. I mean, yeah, a bit old, but—”

Tristen allowed his words to fade into the back of his mind, bringing his full presence into focus on the building before strangulation became too inviting. Zah said the ideal location was the center, but to get the device into or even close to the desk would be a challenge. Sneaking something in that far, and making it appear innocent seemed impossible. Zah had proven his worth, proven his capabilities at planting a device without the slightest trace of suspicion.

“Know what you’re doing now?” he asked.

Zah took one last look at the center desk, nodding his head at the library staff around it, as though counting. “It’s all in here.” He poked the side of his head. “The only problem is that, like, it’s all scrambled up in there. Going to take time, plans, and more nonsense. You know how it goes.”

“Yes, it takes a while before everything sorts out.” Tristen leaned against the pillar and scanned the crowds walking around the lower level, taking note of each security guard standing by the doors and randomly throughout the building. “Sometimes months.”

“Now that’s depressing, man.” Zah frowned and headed back towards the stairs to the bottom floor, bouncing down the stairs and around tourists climbing up. “Let’s get out of here. I’ve seen all I need to see.”

“You sure?” Tristen followed him at more controlled walk, sliding his hand down the railing. More security officers stood around the bottom of the stairway, watching them all. He tried to keep his eyes up and out of their line of sight, taking in the beauty of the building rather than certain occupants, the milky-white of the pillars rather than the jet-black of the pistols on their hips.

His phone vibrated through his flimsy shorts, and he pulled it out thinking it was his alarm telling him it was time for work—just a few minutes late. The notification on the screen took his breath away.

See me at my office – Mr. P

He ignored the pounding in his chest, the questions rising like a flash flood, and glanced up at Zah, who stood by. “There’s been a change of plan."

Comments & reviews · 7
User avatar
Pretzelstick
Review
Pretzelstick wrote a review Review · Oct 25, 2015

Heya Timmy, this is Pretzel here for another review of your novel(aka the next rough chapter) on this lovely October review day. I haven't read this since last review day, and I'm so sorry for my "lateness." I hop not to make it a habit or just reviewing cool pieces like this on reviews like this. I took notes, although I'll try not to repeat what others have said below me.
Anyways, let's begin, shall we?

1.-The first sentence really confused me? How was he familiar with this grand library, if this was only his 1st day of the job, when he was just planning and exploring. To be familiar with a building is knowing where every hallway lead to, where every little nook is, where every hiding spot can be, and such. I would dare say that I am familiar with my house, but imagine if you were to walk into your new friend's house for the first time. You wouldn't be familiar at all, especially with a huge building of this size. I just thought that I could point that out so that you could fix it.

2.-

No senses tingled. All was well.


How did he actually know that all was well, if they both kept on acting pretty nervous throughout this entire chapter? Didn't seem like that thought that this was a "Well" job because they expressed their doubts and regrets all the time, throughout their conversations.

3.-
With her gone, there was no need to push him in any new directions, no need to change his mind.


Who even is this "her" that Tristen is talking about? I was pretty puzzled by this when I came across it. Because even with this gone presence of "hers" Tristen was still very much affected by it. If she is that important to him somehow, why didn't we know this before about his past? Maybe you could have introduced this before as one of his motives to doing all of this. (or maybe you have but I forgot, if so then disregard this comment >.<)

4.-
but it still grated on his nerves.


Zah's chatter annoyed me too a lot. I'm saying this to compliment you, you must have done something right to make the reader affected by a character's actions so much. I personally don't like shallow characters like that though, so in my POV Zah, even though he might have proved his worthiness in crime and partnership, is still a shallow character because on his nonsense chatter. I would maybe dig a bit deeper so that the reader could know more about this "new" MC.

5.-
“Sometimes months.”

“Now that’s depressing, man.” Zah frowned

I have noticed though, another compliment coming up- that Zah is an impatient character, and you have developed that well throughout these first three chapters so far. He is depressed by the length of time that it is going to take him to figure and decode this whole gig. I honestly though, again can't understand why time is depressing. That comparison doesn't make sense in my brain, doesn't correlate. I think that you should change this up a bit, so that the reader could someone get it more.

6.
“There’s been a change of plan."


That cliffhanger though. It seems like every single time that I see this in any type of writing, I automatically think that it is foreboding wrong things, worse thing yet to come. Man, this really makes me want to read the next chapter immediately, but of course, there has to be a pretty long list of things to review on this Review Day, and I promised people so ... I have to go and keep on moving. The struggle LOL.

7.- Kind of along the lines of what Lylas mentioned, this chapter really seems like a filler, but you probably already know that. It really seems like there is literally absolutely no action happening here except inspecting, which doesn't really get the reader excited. I would honestly almost give up on this novel right there, but of course the cliffhanger stopped me from doing that. I think that problem with this specific one, is that me as a reader, I don't want to observe the process of investigation and measuring up that the agents usually do. That seems too preliminary. I want to get straight to the "meaty actiony" but maybe that is just my preference so please feel free to ignore number 7.

Overall, you're right, this writing is rough, but maybe that's building you up as a writer, because you literally have to lock the inner-editor that wants to come out inside your head. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I hope it does because I wanted to appreciate and assure you mind for a moment. :D If that helps at all, then I would be glad to know, and also if you have any questions than you know where to find me. sorry that I couldn't make the review longer, your chapter was just so shorter

~Pretzel

User avatar
FireBird99
Review
FireBird99 wrote a review Review · Aug 1, 2015

Hey! FireBird99 here for a review!

Thoughts-

Another well- written chapter that I enjoyed reading. It took me a couple days to make it here but its better late than never, eh? I am curious about who this Mr. P is. Well, I am guessing he is his boss so I suppose I should be asking, what does he want? Is he in trouble?
It kind of sounds like it. I cannot wait for the meeting with him.

What I Liked-

I like how you spaced out the dialogue and let everyone know how they are talking and what they are doing while they are talking. It makes for an interesting read. You were describing the building and painting pictures in the reader’s mind, especially for us Canadians who have no idea what that library looks like. xD Maybe that’s why your descriptions sound so amazing...cause we’ve never seen the actual library :P (I’m kidding! I’m kidding! xD Your descriptions are awesome :)).

Finishing thoughts-

Maybe with Zah you should add some snippets where he finds himself talking like his native country. Not necessarily that language but the expressions and stuff. I know it is his character to be the wannabe American but in order to remind us of that, you can show us that he switches from his ways to the American ways. It would remind us of his foreign country and he won’t be like every American out there. (This is only a suggestion so you don't have to do it if you don't want to or if it doesn't fit in with his character.)

Awesome job so far and keep writing! Have fun with all that researching. :P
Fire

Um. Oh. >> Me so dumb. xd Of course he would need to talk in his native language a bit! I'll definitely have to use that suggestion in future chapters/edits, because it'll make it so much more realistic!
Thank youuu <3 And are the descriptions painting a good picture?
This is a fun book to write. heh

They are. Maybe describe the books a bit more though. =)

Umm.. Ignore those numbers I had at the top that I just took off. I had to remember them and forgot to take it off. Lol! 0.0

User avatar
elysian
Comment
elysian commented Comment · Aug 1, 2015

jus p.s - you got literary spotlight good job darth timmy <3 *claps*

<3
thank youuuuu. It makes me happy. :')

User avatar
MrWriter39
Review
MrWriter39 wrote a review Review · Aug 1, 2015

Hey Timmy me again and so far like I've said in my previous reviews that this story seems really interesting.

First I gotta say that i'm having a little trouble what the whole story is about but i'm pretty sure with you're impressive writing skills that you'll find away to make sure the story has an intriguing plot.

Again I love the incredible detail you put into your stories, it makes me feel like i'm right there with the characters.

And may I add I like the way you ended your story; very mysterious.

Overall i'm very impressed like always and keep up the good work :)

.... You have a very good point. By the second chapter, the reader should have at least a vague idea what the plot is. So when I go about editing, I'll be sure to tell the reader more than what I'm doing now. c:
Your reviews are pure motivation. :') Thank you so much.

User avatar
elysian
Review
elysian wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2015

Dad, Brother, Timmy <3 Here for my 100th review. Are you honored? :D

First observation: It seems like the MC changes his train of thought a lot. Am I right?

oooh. Okay. I wonder who Mr. P is. The big bad boss? Are they bombers? I feel like they're terrists or something >.> and that's not me trying to be racist either lol.

But again I really don't see much wrong with this chapter. I feel like they should maybe explain more about them checking out security. Like counting video cameras, looking where they're at, and guards...stuff like that :p

This review is gonna be super short cause I legit have nothing to say.

WAIT. EccentricRose pointed out the books. I didn't think much of it at first, but are the destroying books?! that would be interesting. I'm just excited to see where this goes. Like I wanna know more about these characters and Mr. P and how they Work. I feel like I'm uncovering tiny pieces of the MC, like his temper and his visions and stuff. You're amazingly well at giving just the right amount. Which, I've already said that, yes?

well, that's all I have. PLEASE keep me posted. I'm intrigued.

-Del

YAY ONE HUNDRED REVIEWS YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY GO DELONIE GO DELONIE GO DELONIE WOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOO. FUN STUFF. YAY

my foot itches. :p

<33333

I feel so honored. :)
Man, you have such a great point. >> Instead of walking around and chatting the whole chapter, they could be doing something of real worth - like taking note of the security cameras and etc. When I do my editing, I'll definitely have to fix that. c: Thank you so muchhh
Yesss, they'll be destroying books. xDD I'll keep you posted, ofc.
YAY FOR ONE HUNDRED REVIEWS SO HAPPY GO DELONIE.
<3

User avatar
EccentricRose
Review
EccentricRose wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2015

Dear TimmyJ,

EccentricRose here to review your work. :)

The library sounds very special and reminds me of the library from Beauty and the Beast. ;) I’m yet again amazed by the amount of detail you put into your surroundings. One of these days, I’m going to give you all of my stories and pay you to do the same thing to my work. =p

Zah caught up to him, navigating his way through the circles of desks and nerds bent over their books towards him.

Haha I loved the nerds part, it made me chuckle. But how could he destroy the books? <<< If indeed, that’s Tristen’s plan. NOOO! Not the ancient artifacts!

Tristen is obviously the most important character of the two, but the way you write Zah, something tells me he has an important role in their work as well. I'm curious to what his part in the whole thing is. =p

I really love my art, so when you passed the gallery without briefly describing a few, it made me a little sad. =p Maybe if you could talk a bit about the paintings, and their rich gold frames, perhaps? Etc…Though I did like how you wrote “tucked behind glass.”

, the milky-white of the pillars rather than the jet-black of the pistols on their hips.

The contrast of the two objects was well thought up.

I don’t know who Mr.P is….but I can’t wait to find out! He must be pretty powerful to freak out Tristen. Though maybe it's just because you stopped the chapter right there, but I felt that I didn't get the same adrenalin rush as I should`ve. I felt the last part went a little too fast, and it didn't relish long enough in the "freak out about Mr.P's" text. It could be because that's how Tristan's personality is, so it's just a suggestion. But I know whatever you choose, you'll figure it out when you have more time on the second draft. =)

I can't wait for more! Though thankfully you've been writing fast enough, I haven't had to wait too long. :)

~Rose

Thank you so much, Rose! <33 You're so fast and kind. :')
Yes, I will work on putting more detail into that part to appease the nerds artists out there, and to give the story more depth! And the rush, yeah, I see what you mean. I'll work on it in the edits, kay? Thank you so much!

User avatar
ClackFlip
Review
ClackFlip wrote a review Review · Jul 30, 2015

I hate to sound like a broken record, but wow. The whole reading process was just a blast and I didn't want to slow down to think. That in itself is an accomplishment that no-one else on this site has done to me yet. The story is so engrossing, and while it's a bit slow right now, I just know that something awesome is right around the corner.
[A bit of an unrelated question that I haven't been able to fit into the structure of this review: Have you written (and finished) a book before? This whole thing does feel like the person writing it has a good experience behind the keyboard.]
But anywho, there are a couple structural issues here and there. For one, you haven't really given us enough character motive other than:

“I know what would happen to me.” Zah made a slitting motion across his throat.
This generally is a strong enough motive for a character like Zah, but not enough for your lead (I should probably mention here that I do think that the next chapter will be devoted to character motive I'm just noting that it's a bit misplaced pacingwise.)
Now, I'm going to try to give you a few of my theories that I have regarding where you're going with the whole motive tidbit.
>Something regarding his psychic(?) ability
>Something regarding the undisclosed woman.
>Something regarding both.
But again, you'll probably want to put motive before plan. We can't just fling the watcher of Breaking Bad into Walt's drug empire and decreasing humanity right away, we have to set up his cancer and such. That's just basic structure, right?

But again, other than that, there isn't much to talk about other than complimenting you on your talent.
So, until the next chapter I bid thee farewell.

Man, your reviews are fuel for a writer. <3
I have not (fully) finished a novel - not yet. I'm on the fourth draft of a novel right now, and have been working on it for four years now with almost 500,000 words logged on that book alone, so I have some experience with the keyboard. xDD But I have lots to learn, and am still a beginner. :3
You have an excellent point! And here's a promise that in the next chapter, you'll get a motive. I realize I've been moving this too slow, and last night I had an epiphany of what to do to speed up the pace and insert action.
Thank you so much!



All the turtles are related.
— Jack Hanna