Tristen stared at the ceiling, the pistol gripped in his sweaty palm—breathe in. The cracks in the plaster above him staggered from wall to wall, meeting in the middle of the room where the yellowed fixture swung. A few bulbs flickered from inside, almost beating in time with his heart—breathe out.
Something brightened to life beside the bed, his phone sending vibrations across the worn nightstand. He groaned and leaned over the side of the bed, squinting and trying to focus on the words. After a moment, the message became clear—
Work in 30 minutes
—and he fell off the side of the bed, his shoulder slamming into the hardwood, while his legs tangled themselves behind him. He peered up where the phone still lie there, vibrating and waiting to be shut off or punched silent. Beside him, the morning slanted through the closed blinds, throwing a patterned light across the room.
Tristen groaned and pushed himself up to a sitting position, slapped the silent button on the phone, then folded his legs and arms together—breathe in. A few moments of stillness and peace before hours of chaos were vital to keep his motives pure and focused on what he was truly here to accomplish. He closed his eyes and shoved away the dreams and aspirations floating through his mind in perpetual want, knowing they would cloud and clutter all he must accomplish—breathe out. The nagging memories lingered in the forefront of his mind, but those were to remain as the little inkling of hope he still had inside him that someday, his life would be as it once had been. But the hope was so small, it was overpowered by the doubt inside him. These were feelings to overcome and smash to nothing, he was told.
The phone vibrated again. Meditation complete. Tristen stood and yawned his way over to the closet. It was far too early to be doing anything but sleeping, and the night had been too short, only getting to sleep when the night duty was complete. Some nights finished early, others carrying on into the next day.
He changed from his nightclothes, a tattered t-shirt emblazoned with Rock On and shorts, into his normal wear. Like the rest of his life, his wardrobe was centered on his work, the only variations being a different style of suit, and no colors other than black. Tristen turned to the small mirror on the bathroom door and adjusted the blazer, pulling it down and around until the butt of his pistol was concealed. He rolled his shoulders and stretched his arms beneath the jacket, ensuring his flexibility beneath. In this game, there were no second chances. Fail once—done.
The phone still vibrated on the nightstand. A walk across the small room and quick glance told him there were thirteen minutes until he was late. That left three minutes until his driver arrived. He silenced the phone and slipped it into his back pocket, turning the vibrate and ringer off to ensure complete silence at all times. The only communication he would now have would be through the headset and face-to-face.
He slumped across the dresser while the final minutes ticked by, and lifted a small photo tucked in a crevice only he knew. If they discovered that this was what still linked him to his past, what kept him hanging on, they would destroy it. And by doing that, hope they destroyed its memory. He traced the small face and the gentle curves, and only wished she could be here with him—breathe in. Years of praying had lent him nothing but a bitter taste of betrayal, so wishes were all he had left. Better to wish for the dead to come back than pray, anyway. Prayers were for the living—not those with their troubles behind them.
He touched her face again, but then slipped the photo back where it belonged. She would have to wait until tonight—breathe out.
One minute left. It was time to leave.
Tristen paced the cracking sidewalk while he waited for his ride, smiling at the pansies and marigolds planted in the flowerbeds alongside. The scraggly bushes and trees crowded their way onto the sidewalk like they wanted to snatch up those walking by. The tree branches dangled low, moving in the early morning breeze with a gentle swish. She’d always loved—
No thoughts on her. Breathe in.
Something glinted off the sunlight down the street, and he looked up. A Toyota Prius pulled into the narrow street and stopped beside the sidewalk with a quiet screeching of brakes. He waited until the door unlocked, then opened it and took the shotgun seat, closing the passenger door as the driver took off down the street. As always, exactly the speed limit to avoid being noticed by police.
Tristen turned to the driver. “I couldn’t sleep last night, Zah. Too many thoughts about, well, you know.”
Zah stared ahead at the road, but nodded. “You tried everything to not think about her? I know it’s rough, dude, but someday you’ll put her behind you.”
Tristen hesitated, thinking of the photo concealed behind his dresser. “I—yes, I’ve tried everything. Seems like she’ll always be there.”
“You need to, like, try harder.”
Tristen smiled at his speech, how he tried to fit in with Americans by using their speech. Anyone could tell at first glance that Zahir was no American, the dark skin and thick Arabian accent telling everyone around him, and then the fine details once you grew to know him. His jaw could’ve been chiseled from marble, so focused and stiff. It was as if his eyes retaliated against that, the constant twinkle smiling at all things alive.
He sat up in the seat, tilting the seat higher than before. “Some hippo sat in this seat before I did, man. Totally had to change everything around.”
Tristen noticed his change in conversation. Some people could just sense when it was time to talk of something else. “Or maybe you’re just tiny?”
“Oh, now that’s just, like, crossing the line,” Zah laughed. He looked down at his small body, the seat elevated high and forward so he could reach the gas pedal. “Being short has its qualities, you know.”
Tristen closed his eyes and leaned his head against the seat. “Like what?” he mumbled.
“Well, um, there’s—uh, well.” Zah slammed his hands against the steering wheel. “Women think shorter guys are cute, you know.”
“Yeah, sort of how they think bunnies are cute?” Tristen peeked an eye and glanced over at Zah.
“I think all of these months hanging out with me has affected you,” Zah huffed. “You used to be such a nice guy. I think you should, like, start talking to other dudes.”
“That’s probably true.”
- For the LMS contest: 1142 words
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey Timmy I just read the second part of this little series you got going on here and I just have to say you are an excellent writer and I love reading your work.
Comments:
Love the intro and great detail thats put into every little scene that goes on as of I were watching a movie in my head.
I like the little snippets you put in of this "girl" it adds a little something extra to the story that intrigues me
Overall:
Great start, looking forward to see where this story is going.
-MrWriter39
Thanks for the review! And yes, I will bring the girl into the book more as it goes along. Still not quite sure how she plays into it - whether she's dead or just not around. But it'll be fun!
This was a good review.
Thank you, again.
Hey Dad. Or Brother. Or Darth Timmy, whichever
Review coming as promised, and sorry if I'm rusty xD Been too long.
(I guess I could repeat a compliment. You understand where I was going with this comment though so just go along with it :p)
I'm not gonna read the other reviews so if I repeat something, make sure you fix it cause that means two or more readers have noticed
So, first off, I'm gonna review as I read, so I can remember everything. I'm immediately intrigued as to why he has a pistol. And the description in the beginning is fab, just saying. I also like how you seem to know exactly where to put the "breathe in" and "breathe out"s. It's random, like a breathe would be, but not too random. perfect.
"These were feelings to overcome and smash to nothing, he was told." - told by who?
"into his normal wear." - try "into what he normally wears." I don't know I feel like it would flow better.
"In this game, there were no second chances. Fail once—done." - oooohhhh spicy.
I really like this. I'm interested to find out more about the mysterious "her", and I want to know more about the story in general. You're amazing at telling just enough
I was a little confused with the conversation between the driver. Maybe I need to reread it because I'm tired, I dunno. But It was a little confusing. If someone else has said that, some editing is needed. if not, discard this part of my review I'm just tired xD
I'm eager to read the next two parts
-Del
I can be dad, or brother, or whatever you wants to call me. <3
Your suggestions are all things I'm gonna fix up when editing time comes around, and yeah, I see why you'd be confused by the driver. I will definitely fix that, too. If the next part of the chapter clears it up, tell me?
Thank you so much. <3 You're so encouraging, you know. :3
Awww, look at us a year ago %u263A%uFE0F
awh <33333
Hey! FireBird99 here to review your work!
Thoughts~
Again you have great talent at writing novels. I envy you for being able to write in the now-a-day genre. I've only ever been able to write in medieval times. I find the swords, maces, armor, horses, and castles so intriguing. My reading kind of follows my writing, I like Medieval novels, BUT I always seem to enjoy your books for some reason. And we are only 1142 words in!
What I Liked~
I liked how you portrayed Tristen's character very well in this chapter. I can tell that he is orderly and always knows what he is doing, but I fear that if something steps out of his daily routine he doesn't like it. So that bit with the phone and him waiting and knowing exactly when his driver would be there helped out. (Now I'm hoping you were trying to portray him as orderly xD)
I like how you gave us a little hint of his old life. It makes us want to continue reading just to see who she was! And it also gave us that feeling that he was human and can care a lot for a person. I hope to see more of this mysterious girl from his past.
Finishing Thoughts~
Being short, I can tell you that being short does have its qualities. =P
Where'd you get this information?
Anyway, I think that is it. I couldn't find any grammatical mistakes or anything. You know how awful I am at grammar xD.
Keep up the writing!
Fire
HEY
Thank you for reviewing this piece for me! I feel so special now. :')
And you know what? Even when you don't find anything "wrong" with the piece, all of your comments help me see what I'm doing correctly, and what I need to work on in the future.
And yes, all of your thoughts are exactly what I wanted to portray. Thank you for sharing them with me. <3
You're welcome. =)
Heya TimmyJake, here I am to review the first chapter of your LMS novel. I have made it a goal to review each and every first chapter that participants of LMS did, just to support them through their journey. And I think that I'll get to them all, slowly but steadily.
Anyways, let's begin, shall we?
Overall, I felt like this chapter lacked action? But maybe that's a good thing, because we were introduced to the character, and their internal thoughts and so on. I was just hoping for some action, any action, because I believe that would keep the reader even more engaged, to the point where they wouldn't even remember turning the pages.
The (breathe in) (breathe out) lines, could be more strategically placed, in my opinion. The breathe in should be at the very beginning of the sentence, and the breathe out should be at the very end of the sentence, just to kind of visual those points for the readers. That would make more logical sense. So for example it could be:
Do you see what I mean here? I think that all of the breathe out parts are fine, because these are written at the end of that sentence that they are placed.
Next thing, why did the phone play such a big part in the first half of this chapter? I felt like the focus was so much on the phone, so I went back and counted. I found that you mentioned the phone vibrating or the phone at all 7 times. 7 times! You gotta work on cutting out the repetition, because I do know that a phone will be important to operations, it's such a typical device that you don't really have to describe at detail and in length.
First paragraph:
That phrase that is italicized, is so cliche, because its something that people practically do every day when they wake up
I felt like this was too much a barrage of information on the description of the room for the first paragraph. You need to focus on strengthening your beginning, and making it only carry the most important and interesting bits of information for your reader's benefit.
Awesome personification you've got going over here. It's like the phone has a mind of it's own in this first chapter.
Hmm,this guys seems too much for me, at least I got this impression. This is a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing, so I would suggest that you actually reveal his motives throughout the whole book,you know? So that we can conclude this by ourselves, not just have it shoved right into the text.
This didn't make sense, because it didn't seem like he was late. It seemed like it was thirteen minutes until he had to leave, or be there at work(wherever that was.)
So, you get my officially confused on this sentence. Tell me, was "she" still alive, or just in the picture. So did this sentence apply to her directly, or just her in the picture? Would you care to clarify this important part of the story for us?
I think that you could cut out some parts of this. Why is it so important to know where he was sitting in the car. You actually gave his location twice, which isn't a detail that's needed in this story actually. I would probably just omit all of this unnecessary information, and write something along the lines of: "He got into the car."
That ending seems like it's broken in the middle of the sentence, and it doesn't seem like the conversation is done. I would maybe wrap it up, somehow to keep the readers to the end, and make them want to read the next chapter of the next week. Work on editing that, so that the last sentence is very pointful, and is kinda conclusive.
The conversation between Zah and Tristen was very entertaining, but still not natural. I haven't discovered the character's specific voice, and so I don't know sometimes who is talking. The words that they said back and forth to eachother felt forced, said just for the sake of making coverse, or killing time. At the end of the chapter, we ended in the middle of dialogue, and it was apparent that Zah wasn't a good companion/talker to Tristen. That's makes the reader dislike him immediately. I don't like Zah, because of that one little line in your whole story. So be careful if you want to make that impression on a new reader, who is seeing this story through fresh eyes.
Overall, not to judge or be harsh, but I feel like this isn't your best. I remember that your other novels are very action-packed and exciting,while this feels like a first chapter, that was just written dully. I know that you can do better, and you know exactly how to add the element of action. I can't give any suggestions for the first chapter, because I have no idea what's going to happen with the plot line moving forward, so here you have to step in and be extra creative to get this right.
That's all I have for today, as I am running out of time. I hoped that this review will help you improve your writing, and if you have any questions then you know where to find me.
Thanks for your review, Pretzel! I know this isn't my best writing, but also remember something - this is a first draft. And it's also the very first time that I've paid no attention to my writing and just put it out there. The second draft will be much better, I hope!
You didn't like Zah? Huh, everyone else seems to. >> I'll work on that part you mentioned, and try to make him more likeable in the future.
Thank you so much! <33
Hey TJ, just thought I would comment on your story...
There were no grammatical mistakes that I could see that needed fixin'. Your beginning enthralled me and I can't wait to get more into the story. I really liked how you brought out the background story with the girl in this chapter, it made me want to keep reading so great job! *thumbs up*
I love your characters already, and the plot sounds like it shall have many twists and turns in its future LoL
That's all I have for you right now, great job. I'll look at #2 when I get back from babysitting =)
~Selina
YAY
You're here! <3 Now I feel like I have everyone I need reviewing and reading this haha. Thank you for reviewing this, and your reviews make me feel all nice inside :p
Enjoy the rest of babysitting
Your welcome! It was more of a comment than a review bc I didn't see any mistake :S
Babysitting was....eventful....it resulted in screaming kids at midnight :/
Dear TimmyJake,
EccentricRose has dropped by to review your new story! =)
I really quite enjoyed the opening paragraph, it was very descriptive. The whole “Breathe in and out” helped tremendously to heighten my curiosity. It gave us the feeling that Tristen was human (assuming he is) and needed to control his emotions. And the little bit of instability in a character is always intriguing, or at least for me it is. =)
I really liked this line because it sneakily gave us two actions at once:
I liked how you told us about the picture of the girl right away because it made me very curious about his past. You gave us the right amount of details for the first chapter. After all, if you told us everything at once, it`s less incentive to keep reading. And by the time we pick up the book and read the back cover, assuming you eventually publish it, we`ll already have enough information that you don`t want to give too much away in the beginning anyway.
Clocking down the minutes throughout the chapter lets us know that even though he doesn`t like early mornings, he is a very timed and precise person; an every second counts kinda guy. So between the pistol and that, I gather he`s probably highly trained. You portrayed that nicely.
The ``No thoughts on her`` part, I was like, yes, think about her. Haha I think this might be the story you mentioned to me part of the idea, so it makes me want to know all the more what happens. =)
The way you wrote this with the brand name, makes me get the feeling that, that kind of vehicle is very important to you. For most of us girls, or at least me, a little bit of description would be helpful. What kind of vehicle is it for starters? Car, truck? Is it red, black or yellow?
Great way of introducing Zah`s nationality. I cringed at this kind of talk but then I read the next paragraph and it made perfect sense. Even though we use the word 'like' improperly in our sentences all the time, it drives me crazy reading it in a book. Lol
And for some feedback on short guys? They can be pretty cute and so are bunnies. =p I laugh at my brother because he is five foot two and complains girls only ever call him cute. Lol So maybe Zah isn’t so wrong after all.
All in all, it was pretty good. I know I’m not very helpful when it comes to pointing out the things wrong with it…but I guess I’m a reviewer who tells you what I enjoyed about it instead.
I can’t wait until you give us more! Feel free to let me know when the next bit is up and ready to be edited. = )
~Rose
Yay! It's Rose. Thank you for this review - it helps me so much. Like all of them do.
To be honest, there are so many things changing per chapter... haha, like I'm going to have a list of things that change every part, just so readers don't get confused. :p 
This helped me a lot, as they all do.
That's a good idea, especially for the first draft. Any idea can change so fast.
I'm glad it helped.
This is astonishingly well written. Like, wow dudeeeeeee. This is one of the better pieces of writing I've encountered. If only...
Well, I guess I've got to gripe about something now.
Where is this going? Seriously, you have a thousand word Part 1 to a chapter and I don't know where this is going.
Your story went like this:
Good MooOOOorning! SHUT UP PHONE!
Ooohhhhh pretty lady. I got pretty lady. Hee.
ARABIAN KNIGHTS! Hooooo-nooooooo, that's racist.
A'right, bye!
You have enough hints to say "We're going somewhere with this! Just wait, okay? Just wait." But the problem is I've read this opening a thousand times before.
The assassin isn't a morning person and his girlfriend/wife/daughter/variation of the opposite gender is gone for some reason. I'm not saying you can't open your story like this, not panicking to much about a great opening and just setting foot to stone for your journey is often a good thing for a first draft.
And the problem I'm griping about right now isn't even what irked me about this chapter.
[A small bit of teh' ClackFlip life: Sister walks into room to see what I'm doing, looks at the title of the story, "is this about a person trying to look at butts?" Thank you for your time.]
Anyway, back to me being a self-entitled crybaby. The thing that made me frustrated about this chapter is the lack of Why. No questions were answered here, questions were posed, just not answered. If this was written in first person I would have excused it, people don't often go Well, just in case anyone's reading my thoughts, I'm heading to the park to play volleyball! Weeeeee but you're in third-person. You're writing as a narrator. As the Dalek's from Doctor Who would say: "Explain! Explain!"
Anyway, I do like this chapter, you just hit a pet peeve of mine with it.
(Keep me updated about when these come out will you? Pretty please?)
Thank you for the review! It was very helpful, and is going to help me tons with the future chapters. As for why all the questions... just me trying to suck the reader into the story.
I usually never answer any big questions in the opening chapter, if any. And this is third person limited! Which to my mind, means that the reader only sees what the character does (first person, but using "he" instead of "I", basically).
But that title. >> It's going to change - and soon. I was going to get a different one, buuut this is for the LMS challenge, and I had like less than an hour to post it before the deadline. So I threw a rubbish one in there. I promise you - this book isn't about butts. xDD
Thank you for such a great review! It's so helpful. I'll definitely ping you for the next chapters.
Hey, just wanted to drop you a review after reading your chapter! I really enjoyed the beginning of this story. I have so many questions and am interested to keep reading! I liked that you often wrote "Breath in..." because I think it added more structure to the story.
The end seemed to get rather slow with the interaction between the two men, and I thought I might point that out to you. Is there a way to keep them engaged in action while they are conversing with one another?
This type of a story doesn't' usually interest me, but the way you have written it has drawn me into the story. I think you have done very well with this first chapter and I am interested to see what you might write next!
Thank you for your review!
And, that makes complete sense. Yeah, it does slow down near the end there. I'll work on giving it more life and action when I edit. Thanks, again! You were very helpful. c: