z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Ruptured Mind 3.1 (Ever-changing title)

by TimmyJake


An hour had passed since he arrived at the office, a maze of cubicles and receptionist desks situated on the top floor of a sky-rise building in downtown. The first half hour had been spent pacing in front of the receptionist’s desk, twiddling his thumbs and reading the mind-numbing magazines lying around. After tiring of that, he sat in one a chair and counted the holes in the wall. So far, twenty five.

Tristen glanced at his wristwatch, then buried his head in his hands. A long while ago, time used to matter, and a day was more than work and sleep crammed into hours of emptiness, but now there was nothing to live for, nothing to see ahead.

He threw the magazine off his lap, and resumed the pacing across the confined section of office. One solitary window presented the view to below and beyond, a tangled checkerboard of streets winding their way in an untraceable map, where even the GPS got lost. Tristen looked over the entire expanse of city, and shook his head. Up here, he could see the world.

The city was flung out into the horizon, extending out far past what he saw. Just past where he looked out, standing like fortresses to combat the world, lied the Capitol. Medieval facades merged with new-age architecture built the Capitol to endure, the white stone walls and tall pillars standing proud, ringed around the dome rising from the center of the Capitol like a geyser of stone. A park of green encircled it, as though nature was there to protect it from danger.

Tristen turned away from the window, turned away from the image, knowing how fire would wreath it all too soon. It, like most else surrounding it, would be turned to ash. He saw the heat, the raging inferno surging from beneath the cavernous monuments, wreathing all in smoke and flame. A beautiful, but deadly vision—one that filled his heart with at least something, even if it was hollow in itself.

The receptionist glanced at the plastic clock hanging on the wall, then shrugged. “Should call you in any minute now.” He knew by her stare that she wasn’t impressed with him and his flower shorts and half-way unbuttoned shirt, everyone else in the building wearing slacks and blazers, ties choked up to the neck.

Tristen slumped against the wall, clenching his hands in his pockets “That’s what you said twenty minutes ago, damn it.” This wasn’t the first time his boss had called him in, but it was the first he’d ordered him for a meeting and left him waiting in the hall for an hour. And Zah—left out of a meeting of a group he belonged to? No one else waited with him. Besides the receptionist ignoring him in her corner, the bling from her phone the only sound in the room, he was alone.

He would never leave. If he walked out the door and out of his boss’ life, it would be the end of his. Zah had seen the results of that once before—a handcuffed drive into a forest you never come out of. Those who know never leave.

“Excuse me… sir,” the receptionist coughed. Tristen glanced over at her to see if she was talking to him, and then remembered he was the only person there. “You can go in now.”

“About time,” Tristen mumbled to himself, but he smiled at the receptionist and pushed away from the wall. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” She glanced up from her phone for a millisecond, then back down. “Good luck.”

Tristen stopped with a frown, thought about asking her what she meant, but sluffed it off when he saw her face bent over the phone. She was pre-occupied.

He stopped in front of the door, hand hesitating before turning the knob. Even the door was intimidating, a solid slab of oak stretching nine feet tall. The knob creaked with each micrometer of turn, the door swinging open to the inside.

“Tristen, come on in—take a seat. Want something to drink?”

The room was devoid of any furniture or pictures save for one desk set against the far wall. A single picture rested on the surface—one he saw only once, but had memorized it. The plumes of flame wrapping around the building were impossible to cut from his memory, and too detailed in the torture beneath the flame to continue staring at it. He tore his gaze from the photo and to the man sitting back behind the desk, taking a deep breath before making eye contact.

“Shut the door, would you?”

The man standing inside was darker than the ebony desk in front of him, small with a delicate figure. His hair was cut tight against his balding head, making his ears stick out like flags. His nose could’ve belonged to a young girl, small and dainty. A glass of wine was held in his hand, a single ring encircled with thorns on the index finger.

“Of course, Mr. P.” Tristen pushed it closed behind him. As he walked into the room, he fingered the buttons on his hawaiian shirt, feeling uncomfortable in the present of his boss’ perfect suit.

Oh, Tristen, not among you and I.” Mr. P poured him a glass of wine, making his way over and throwing an arm around him. Tristen felt the chill sink into him when his skin touched his shoulder, but held on. “Not among friends. Remember—Lais.”

Lais motioned him towards the chair in front of his desk, took a sip from his own glass, and sat back with a sigh. “So, how are you and Zah coming along?”

Tristen took a sip of wine under Lais’ intense gaze, nodding in appreciation even though the bitter flavor rose in his throat. He cleared his throat. “We’re on the last building. Almost done, and on schedule.”

“You’re not being smart enough,” Lais said. “If you two mess up on this last mission, everything will be ruined—all plans destroyed.”

Tristen licked his lips, sitting up as tall as he could in his sunken chair. Even though Lais was a small man, his seat held him high so he towered over Tristen. “I’m sorry, sir, but, well, what are we doing wrong here? We’re following the plan, plenty of time ahead.”

“Let me explain something to you… son.” Lais leaned over his desk, hands folded, face sincere, his smile condescending. “When I tell you something, you don’t question what I say—only what you can change. Understand?”

“I understand.” Tristen’s mouth felt dry. “What needs to be done?”

“You get a chance to do what you were trained to do,” Lais said. “Remember what you told me about your work in the marines? And then your work as a bouncer, all those years working for that terrorist group?”

Tristen nodded in silence, his mind blank of reasons why Lais would be bringing this up now. That was a chapter of his life tucked away in the past, in a closet dark and locked and hidden where it could be forgotten. Too many nightmares came from those years, and what ensued because of it.

“All of those security guards you saw in the Library?” Lais stopped as if to allow Tristen to re-boot, pushing the memories away once more to focus on the present. “Most of them need to be gone.”

“But they’re—”

“Tristen! Listen to me.” Lais reached out and turned the photo of destruction so it angled towards him, stroking the flames curling sky-high. “I’ve been watching it for weeks, looking at how it’s arranged. There’s only one way—arrange accidents for a few, give a few others better jobs, and leave those who aren’t aware.”

“So is the job on hold until that’s done, then?” Tristen stared down at his hands, clenched so tight his fingers were white. Even though their plan was to kill many people, set bombs beneath these buildings, causing destruction on a wide scale, he didn’t want to kill any more people with his hands. There was enough blood on his hands. He hesitated before speaking, but found the words after a moment. “I thought I was a bodyguard, an advisor. Not an assassin.”

“You’re whatever we need you to be, Tristen,” Lais whispered—almost in a gentle tone. “Remember what you were like when I found you? What you promised me?”

That day came back to Tristen in a flood of regret, but loneliness found its way into the crevices, too. “I said I’d do anything for her.”

“And no one remembers that better than I do.” Lais reached across the desk and patted his arm. “We both have promises to keep.”


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Sun Aug 23, 2015 4:23 pm
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EccentricRose wrote a review...



Dear Timothy,

I’ve finally sat down and took the time to read this excerpt of your story. Sorry it took so long! I haven’t read any other reviews for this piece so forgive me if I repeat anything.


Suggestions:

Tristen turned away from the window, turned away from the image

I was wondering if this could be revised. Maybe to something like:

"Tristan turned away from the window, fleeing from what he saw.”

Or, "Tristan turned his back from the (building?) that would soon be burned to the ground."

Or, "Tristan turned away from the window, fleeing from the image. The thought of its only future, being burned to the ground, was still imprinted in his mind."


What I liked about it:

Lais’s description was well written. He creeped me out! It was nice to finally meet his character to see what Tristan has to deal with. I found everything flowed well and didn't bore me at all.

This sentence intrigues me. (It makes me think of Channing Tatum…) It’s a great way of describing large ears:

making his ears stick out like flags.


I’ve got a few chapters ahead of me to read…you are a fast writer!

~Rose




TimmyJake says...


Thank youuuu.
This was an amazing review, and I agree with you about that sentence. It really does need work! I'll tweak it and see what I can do, using your suggestions. :)
thanks, againnn



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Wed Aug 12, 2015 11:36 pm
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elysian wrote a review...



HELLOooooooo.

Dad, Brother, Darth Timmy, here with a review as promised :-)

so three days later, I'm here to actually finish this review xD I'm excited, leggoo.

Oh, Tristen, not among you and I.” Mr. P poured him a glass of wine,

you forgot the quotation mark ;-)

okay, so I'm so so intrigued by this girl. I hope you do explain soon. maybe in the coming chapters? I'm excited to hear the backstory :-)

Timothy, your descriptions are perfection. I don't know how you can think of them, each being so unique and different. I love reading them.

I also love this chapter, meeting the mysterious boss, hearing some backstory about the MC, and more suspense.

so, I like how in the beginning he was left alone with his thoughts, it was another good way to get into his head. I find it weird that he was in there all by himself, when just before that you said that you saw people with suits and ties. do with that what you please, just an observation.

I will also comment and say some of the dialogue get's boring through out this. Maybe a nosey receptionist? Maybe the boss doesn't tell her anything about what he really does and she could be asking why he presented himself differently than other people. Just something to add some communication between characters.

so, I'm a little confused. does the fire bother him because he knows he's killed so many people by burning things, or is it about the girl?

and is he a terrorist now or is he burning books? I'm confused ;-)

well this is basically perfect so I don't know what else to say, excited for what's to come :-)

LOVE IT.

-Delonie




TimmyJake says...


I had an error. :_; I'll have to fix that. >>
Thank you for such a wonderful review, Delonie! :) Aaaaand, the dialogue is boring? Eh, I agree with that. >> I'll have to go through and edit this all to fix that up.
Thank youuuuu



elysian says...


<3



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Fri Aug 07, 2015 1:50 am
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ClackFlip wrote a review...



Hey Timmy! Sorry it took me so long to get around to this, School just started up for me again, so I've been understandably busy adjusting. And being lazy.
BUT you don't care about that, you just want my gorgeously eloquent reviews. So review I shall.


After tiring of that, he sat in one a chair and counted the holes in the wall. So far, twenty five.

Though a part of me wants to like this line, it is a bit of a tonal shift that does it kind of sloppily. These is a comedic line, a fancy bit of dark humor, but this story -while it does have humor- doesn't do that.
The comedy you've done has been through characters. You've used them to relieve tension, not the actual environment. When you use the environment as comedy, it usually means that it's a full blown comedy, when it's the characters that usually just means that you're showing a side of them that isn't serious and grim. They can both work in a drama (which is what it seems your going for tonally) but they have to be executed differently.
The best example I can think of is from a series called Gone by Michael Grant (which are fantastic books by the way). In the second book (Hunger) there's a plastic bag floating about the FAYZ and one of the viewpoints thinks 'I'm so hungry I could eat that bag', skip four books ahead, to the final book (Light) and this same character gets hit in the face by the same bag and thinks 'I knew I should have eaten you...
That's a piece of environmental humor that worked because of a setup that's perfectly plausible (Giant invisible dome nothing and no-one can get out of, with a bag floating in it, guy thinks about eating bag, bag comes back to eat him)
So there's my two cents on that, I hope it makes some sort of sense.
Tristen glanced at his wristwatch, then buried his head in his hands. A long while ago, time used to matter, and a day was more than work and sleep crammed into hours of emptiness, but now there was nothing to live for, nothing to see ahead.

ANNNNDDDD this is the completely wrong followup to -what I read- as a comedic piece of writing.
the view to below and beyond, a tangled checkerboard of streets winding their way in an untraceable map, where even the GPS got lost.

THIS little description right here is a place your prose excels at. This is an extremely pretty description that adds a beauty to your setting. It's perfect.
standing like fortresses to combat the world, lied the Capitol.

Again, just a marvelous description; absolutely enthralling.
Tristen turned away from the window, turned away from the image, knowing how fire would wreath it all too soon. It, like most else surrounding it, would be turned to ash. He saw the heat, the raging inferno surging from beneath the cavernous monuments, wreathing all in smoke and flame. A beautiful, but deadly vision—one that filled his heart with at least something, even if it was hollow in itself.

GAH! These descriptions, they reflect so much emotion. This one is my favorite, contrasted with the other two it feels like watching your new balloon float away when you're young.
These descriptions man...
“Should call you in any minute now.”

And...
back to me complaining. This line read clunkilly for me, there's no real preempt. This lady just kind of says that out of nowhere. Perhaps make Tristen ask when the big-boss guy would call? That would be better in my humble opinion.
everyone else in the building wearing slacks and blazers, ties choked up to the neck.

I don't quite see why this needed to be said...
the bling from her phone

I originally read this as a description of a phone that got decorated. Perhaps change the word? I dunno.
“No problem.” She glanced up from her phone for a millisecond, then back down. “Good luck.”

This kind of broke the receptionists character for me. I think it would be better if she just grunted in acknowledgement.
She was pre-occupied.

One more thing before you get another meteor shower of compliments:
Pre- is a -forgive the redundancy- prefix. You don't need the hyphen.
“Tristen, come on in—take a seat. Want something to drink?”

I love this line, it's just so friendly that it makes itself menacing. Well done.
a single ring encircled with thorns on the index finger.

This is another really effective description. I don't really need to explain why. It's just so dang awesome.
the bitter flavor rose in his throat. He cleared his throat

Redundancy of throat right there.
“Let me explain something to you… son.”

I'm assuming these two aren't related. But even if they were this line is chilling. I love it.
Lais reached out and turned the photo of destruction so it angled towards him, stroking the flames curling sky-high

This is just such an effective visual moment. You did something here that few other writers seem to get -even when published- sometimes showing is far more effective then doing anything else.
kill any more people with his hands. There was enough blood on his hands

redundancy of hands.
“I said I’d do anything for her.”

Called it.
As usual, your book is still gripping, well paced, well characterized, and all that good stuff. It's not flawless by any means, but I can't name a piece of fiction that is.
This is a pleasure to read, and I look forward to every chapter.
So, until next time.
Bye




TimmyJake says...


I think the day I stop getting reviews from you is the day this novel becomes a bore to write. You're my motivation <3
All of the points you showed me here are perfect, and yes, help me so much. I'll be sure to work on the redundancy! I admit I wrote this one a bit quicker than usual... but when editing comes around, I'll fix them. c:
And your compliments. :_;



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Wed Aug 05, 2015 9:54 pm
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FireBird99 wrote a review...



Hey! FireBird99 here for a review!

Thoughts~

This is some of your best writing yet. Finally the secret is out and I know what they are doing. Well, I always had my suspicions but now we know for sure. I cant wait for the next chapter! I never found any major mistakes, only a thing here and there.

After tiring of that, he sat in one a chair and counted the holes in the wall.


This sentence doesn't make sense. I assume that he sits in a chair but I think you may have a couple words confused.

He stopped in front of the door, hand hesitating before turning the knob. Even the door was intimidating, a solid slab of oak stretching nine feet tall. The knob creaked with each micrometer of turn, the door swinging open to the inside.


For some reason I like this description of the door. It's creative.

“You get a chance to do what you were trained to do,” Lais said. “Remember what you told me about your work in the marines? And then your work as a bouncer, all those years working for that terrorist group


I'm guessing he isn't 23? xD

Finishing Thoughts~

That last part sounded very intense. I'm getting the impression that either the woman is held hostage somewhere and Mr. P is the only way to get her back..or somebody killed the girl and this is him getting back at those people. I can't wait to continue reading and unlock the many secrets that this novel holds.

Keep writing!
Fire





Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.
— "Hamlet," William Shakespeare