I don't know why I am still laying in this stiff bed.. My alarm clock seems to be confused as well, shrieking at me to get up and start my day. Maybe that was it. That's why I am still laying in this bed. I don't want to start my day. Because to start my day means to have to suffer through until I end up back at this stop, endlessly continuing the cycle. I may just be a little moody, but I don't want to start today. I just want to stay in this bed and pretend that this world didn't extend beyond my bedroom door. I knew that couldn't happen, so in one fluid motion I ripped off my covers, exposing my body to the chilling winter air.
Slamming the snooze button, I looked over at my alarm clock. It was 6:34 A.M. However, my window seemed to be telling me another story. The Sun probably just wanted to take a break this morning. Or the moon and the stars wanted to work over time. This would be about the time that the birds would sing their morning tunes, which was about the only thing that I can find enjoyment in. I guess the cold bullied them away though.
I slipped on my school uniform, which was just a white polo shirt and black dress pants, and then my socks and black dress shoes. Slinging my book bag across my shoulder, I walked out of the room and when into say my farewells to my mom. When I opened her door, the stench of alcohol and aged semen flooded the caverns of my nose. She was fast asleep in her bed, but you could see the tear trails due to the heavy amount of eyeliners that she uses. I mean I don't despise her for doing what she does. In fact, the respect that I have for her couldn't even fill every body of water. She is willing to give up herself in order to preserve me. Plus, being a single mother is tough.
“Hey Mom, I'm going to school now.” I whispered while faintly shaking her shoulder. Her eyes squinted open. I could tell that she drank the night before. The alcoholic scent was all over her. But I guess it is the only way she could do what she does.
“Ok, honey. Make sure that you have a good day.”
“I will.” It surprised me that I was able to say that with a smile. I have gotten really good at faking what happiness looks like. I kissed her bare forehead and walked out of her room.
“Wait. Its cold, put on a jacket.” Great. Even with a major hangover, she is still caring for me.
“Ok.” I zipped up a jacket and start my walk towards my school. By societal definition, my walk to school was somewhat long. Sometimes it would get boring, but it gave me time to think about everything. It also gave me time to prepare. Kids in high school have grown to be more and more cruel to unfortunate people. I have been called everything in the book, from the 'Fatherless Abomination' to the 'Failed Abortion' and so forth. Those names have automatically made me the social outsider. Nobody would talked to me or even look in my direction unless it was to say an insult to my face. That being said, I was pretty much a loner. At least, until she hit me.
The force from the hit caused me to fall to the floor, hitting my head on the frozen concrete. My arms and legs became numb, my mind was hazy, and my ears were ringing. My eyes didn't seem to be functionally correctly either because there seemed to be a girl looking down at me. Her mouth was moving, but I couldn't make out any words. Then the ringing subsided and I started to regain my hearing.
“Oh my god, are you ok? Hey say something. I don't want to kill someone on my first day of school. So man up and say something!” By this time, she started to furiously shake my body. Her head was down and her raven black hair covered most of her facial features.
“Hey. I'm ok. I just bumped my head on the ground, that's all.” She suddenly stopped shaking me and looked into my eyes. Her pale blue eyes had a red tint to them and they were glistening with tears. This girl, who had no idea who I was, began crying over me getting hurt. Then out of the blue, the biggest grin formed on her face.
“Oh thank god.” She gave me a huge embrace that wrapped around my whole body and started to wipe off her tears on my shoulder. So this is what a hug feels like. Then she got me back to my feet. “Hey, I'm sorry for bumping into you. I'm dropped my phone and went to pick it up but the ground is just so slippery and I fell. My name is Cathy.”
She extended a hand for a shaking gesture. I accepted, and shook her hand. “I'm Quinn.”
“You know what? Let me repay you. Ill take you out to dinner tonight.”
“Um, you might not want to...”
“Nope, it is my treat. So where is the best place to eat?”
“I don't think that you should...”
“Oh, I heard that dinner down the road was a great restaurant. Um what was it's name? Oh yeah, Frontview Dinner. We'll eat there after school today.”
“I know you are new to this school and all, but I don't think that you should be hanging out with someone...” Her hand made a loud slapping noise as it made contact with my cheek. “Ow, what was that for?”
“I won't have you or anyone in this whole world tell me who I should and shouldn't hang out with. If you think I give a damn what other people think you are mistaken. I will make that decision on my own. So I am deciding to take you out to Frontview Dinner after school today.”
“Do I have a say on your decision?”
With a smile, she replied, “No, you don't. Now come on, we are going to be late for school.” She grabbed my hand and started sprinting towards school.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
First of all i found this chapter to be quite impressive, and it is clear that it has great potential so kudos to you! However, i do think that the opening paragraph needs a bit of editing, as i found it to be slightly repetitive and over worded; in order to capture our attention, you should say what you mean to say in as few words possible.
On the other hand i really liked your characters, and i feel both the main characters (and the mother, who i honestly found intriguing in particular) have great foundations for development. Well done, and i look forward to reading more
Thanks so much for the review!
First of all i found this chapter to be quite impressive, and it is clear that it has great potential so kudos to you! However, i do think that the opening paragraph needs a bit of editing, as i found it to be slightly repetitive and over worded; in order to capture our attention, you should say what you mean to say in as few words possible.
On the other hand i really liked your characters, and i feel both the main characters (and the mother, who i honestly found intriguing in particular) have great foundations for development. Well done, and i look forward to reading more
@TimmyAlly,
Anyway so these are several errors I found that @WriterXAnonymous has not already found.
Your story was very impressive and you caught my attention right away! There are several typos and errors throughout the story. @WriterXAnonymous caught most of them, so that gives me less work to do for this review
---In the first paragraph, you said "I don't want to start my day. Because to start my day means to have to suffer through until I end up back at this stop, endlessly continuing the cycle." I think you should combine these two sentences to avoid starting a sentence with "Because".
---After the third paragraph, you said "The alcoholic scent was all over her. But I guess it is the only way she could do what she does." I think you should combine this into a sentence to avoid starting a sentence with "But".
--- At some point you said "Nobody would talked to me or even look in my direction unless it was to say an insult to my face." Typo here. "Talked" should be "talk"
--- You stated "My eyes didn't seem to be functionally correctly either because there seemed to be a girl looking down at me." Correctly should be correct here.
Try to fix these things as well as what WriterXAnonymous mentioned.
I felt that your writing style was very good and intriguing. I noticed you started sentences with "That" or "The", mainly at the beginning. 'That" or "The" can get a little boring. Try to stay away from that and make your sentences as vivid and descriptive as possible. Also, you could probably use some more figurative language. I think that's mainly it for the writing itself. The plot of the story was really good and intriguing! It is definitely worth continuing! I would love to find out what happens next! I really enjoyed reading your story and I hope this helps!
-21gmu
Yeah, my grammar is something that is needs to be worked on. Thanks for the review.
Cute chapter. Every story is worth finishing, my friend!
I have some suggestions for you in your writing journey. Let's take a look at your first paragraph.
Keep it interesting and keep it simple. The first paragraph is the key to grabbing a reader's attention and introducing the plot, setting and characters. From what I understand, our character is not fond of school. It's winter. And school seems to be starting back up from a break. Christmas break perhaps? Or maybe just a crummy Monday after the weekend. Make this detail a little more precise.
Example: Am I dead? Why am I lying here so stiff and unresponsive? My alarm clock shrieks, but I don't get up. I don't even try to turn it off. I guess I just hate Monday mornings. Actually, I hate going to school. School is torture; a vicious cycle day after day until the weekend comes. I just want to lie in my bed and pretend the world doesn't exist past my door. But it does. And I have to go to school. In one fluid motion, I rip off the covers of my bed, exposing my body to the chill of the winter morning.
Here I've caught the reader's attention with the phrase 'Am I dead?' I've depicted the character's hatred for school. I've stated the setting: winter at the character's house. And I've stated clearly that the character is returing to school after the weekend.
I love your next paragraph. The line about the sun being on break or the moon and stars working over time was brilliant. Work on your introduction of Cathy. Elaborate.
Example: My walk to school was long and grueling. The wind was colder than usual and, despite wearing my coat, I was freezing. Oh well. I'd rather be cold than warm and in school with all the cruel students. High school kids were jerks. They called me the 'Failed Abortion' and the 'Fatherless Abomination.' Why did the unfortunate always get picked on anyway? Just because I didn't have a father made me a social pariah? How stupid. I continued walking with my thoughts when, suddenly, I was knocked off my feet. That's what I got for staring at the sky.
"Oh my God! I'm so sorry!" There was a girl next to me on the ice. She had raven black hair and blue eyes. "I totally just crashed right into you!" There were tears welling in her eyes. Was she really that sorry? She introduced herself as Cathy.
"I'm Quinn," I told her.
"I'm such a clutz!" she exclaimed. "I dropped my phone and slipped right into you trying to retrieve it. God! I owe you dinner or something."
"Actually, I'm fine..."
"Nonsense! What's that place near here called again? Oh yeah, The Fortview Diner. That's where I'll take you tonight!"
I tried to explain to her I was a social outcast. But she didn't seem to care.
"Listen," I finally said. "I'm not exaclty the most popular kid in school. You hang out with me and you'll be putting yourself in danger." Cathy slapped me across the face.
"What did you do that for?!" I yelled.
"Do you honestly think I care about other people? I can hang out with whoever I want! Everyone else can just screw off. Understand?" I nodded.
"So, do I have any say in this whole dinner thing?"
Cathy smiled. "Nope. I'm taking you and that's final!"
Here we can see Cathy is clumsy, apologetic, chatty, and her own person. She's a strong female character. Well done! Just make sure to show off these characteristics. Don't rush character development!
Remember, a good work is never done.
--MS
Yeah, my intros are kinda weak. Thanks for your review!
To start out I want to say I enjoyed this very much. It is well written and very well put together. There are some stories I am iffy about as soon as I start reading the beginning, but yours got my attention and I wanted to keep reading. That is a good sign and you should continue this. I feel connected to Quinn in some level because I don't really have many friends and I am a loner also haha but it's okay I have all I need in my family. I just wanted to point out a few things you could fix to make it better. I always thought that some reviews on my stories would make me better one way or another and I want my stories to be the best they can be. The more comments and reviews the better I say. So here are some things I caught.
_WXA_
{I walked out of the room and when into say my farewells to my mom.} (when is supposed to be went im pretty sure)
{I mean I don't despise her for doing what she does.} (I feel as you should put a comma after [mean] to make reading it smoother)
{But I guess it is the only way she could do what she does.} ( Comma after [but])
{By societal definition, my walk to school was somewhat long.} (to me, societal doesn't sound right and I have never heard of that word in my life. It didn't look right to me reading it earlier. In my opinion I would change it)
{I'm dropped my phone and went to pick it up but the ground is just so slippery and I fell.}(In here there are two things. First, [I'm] is probably supposed to be 'I'. Second, you should put a comma before [but].)
I hope these few things helped you and my review somewhat made you a better writer. thank you
Yeah, my grammer is still something that I need to work on a little. Thanks for your review.