Sword raised, hatred flamed, weeping uncontained.
Enmir raged, feeling betrayed.
Sun’s blessings darkened, all good forgotten.
Air displaced by wordless curse, a harsh cry,
Enmir collapsed, exhausted,
and met Day’s end, Myrkur, Night’s sentinel
a dark aegis, etched with inverted sun
form black by receding rays
with steel imbued, the inquiry was made:
Who approaches the Gate, unguided Fate?
Oh, who enters Night’s domain,
who answered the summons of Master’s Maze?
Vulnerable, a pleading groan escaped
Enmir’s decumbent body,
a weakened plea, barely above whisper.
Poor one of the Dawn’s Curse, shunned by Solah,
Neither of Man nor of Fey,
I will petition Fate for her mercy.
As light surrendered and night claimed domain,
the stones opened gaping maw,
Enmir thus claimed by twisted torsion.
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140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
Hello Again, My Friend!
It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...
What The Black Eyes See...
Fascinating way to followup the last part! To my understanding, Enmir continued to wander, enraged -and yet, vulnerable. This leads him to the cursed night's sentinel, Myrkur, and his plea for mercy before he is met by a mysterious force in the night-shrouded stone. Let's get into the details though.
Where The Dagger Points...
*Tiny nitpicky note, but I noticed you spelled out "Part One" in the titling of Part one, whereas you use a number in the titling of this one, "Part 2." For the sake of consistency, perhaps spell out this one or swap the last to a number? Tiny thing, like I said, but it caught my eye for some weird reason lol.
Otherwise, no complaints!
Why The Grin Widened...
There was a lot of dark tension in this part that had me eager to see where Enmir would wind up. Just for starters, the first verse:
I felt like this captured the mood very well, and set the stage just right for the following events. It shows Enmir's rage and bitterness, and his sorrow and grief. The idea of "sun's blessings darkened" offers a sense of further vulnerability, and "all good forgotten" leaves us uncertain about where Enmir is going -and more importantly, what he's willing to do.
The description of the sentinel was also really cool, with the dark aegis and inverted black sun. Its cold words feel threatening, and even in his desperate state, Enmir recognizes his position and pleads with it, rather than taking arms.
Then of course, another eerie ending, leaving us to wonder what will become of Enmir -and with this one, I'm also left to wonder what has become of Enmir. Intriguing...
Great progression of events, leading to an uncertain fate for Enmir ~
Our
MadThoughts...Overall, another great part of the story. Nicely done!
It is a nice poem. It also has good meter. Though am not able to get the clear meaning of what you are trying to say. Maybe when you work on some parts, the message will be clear. Actually you are a good poet. Waiting to read for poems from you.
It is a nice poem. It also has good meter. Though am not able to get the clear meaning of what you are trying to say. Maybe when you work on some parts, the message will be clear. Actually you are a good poet. Waiting to read for poems from you.
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the review?
Top Graham Cracker - Enmir feels as though he has no friends in the world, no one to trust, and thus, gives into the darker, more unsavory parts of him.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I read your comment, and you can take all the time you need to post this poem-story. In regard to how you want it structured for a long work, I think that you could keep the poetry (mostly at the beginning) and then write the chapter. The chapter itself could be a regular chapter, but with poetry language. That’s just an idea, though.
Chocolate Bar - This is starting to get more serious now. Enmir is tapping into his hidden darkness. I loved how you described his betrayal and how it changed him, it really hits home that the world wasn’t exactly how he imagined for it to be.
Closing Graham Cracker - A poem that goes into the heart of Enmir’s soul and reveals more of him, I enjoyed reading it. I’m excited for the next chapter, to see the Night Maze. :>
I wish you a fabulous day/night!
Sorry this one took so long! I had a ton of IRL stuff going on, so I had to put the project on temporary hold.
I am not sure how I feel about Myrkur's voice, having it fit into the 10-7-10 structure of the stanzas was fairly difficult, so his voice isn't exactly how I would like it, but it certainly fits the story.
I'm super excited to write the part about Night's Maze, and what that looks like, but I also want to do it justice. Therefore, I expect that it will take a while longer.
Vampiricone6783 requested some more about Matheson (mentioned in part one). While this certainly isn't an ensemble work, I could certainly do some pieces in parallel to Enmir. Maybe I would choose a different stanza style or something similar for different parts on different characters. I would really appreciate input on this, because as much as I love writing poetry and short stories, I have never written a longer work, which this is ultimately intended to end up as. Any suggestions or thoughts would be welcomed.