Over mountain and hill, did elf child climb;
scaling rock faces, crossing
ravine and crevasse, a Nomad’s child, lost.
Until one battle-proven warrior
crossed both path and blade of his,
Elf-child, Enmir did not continue through.
Blades clashed, sparks flew, drying the morning dew.
Sun-kissed child, blessed by sun’s blight,
could not best mountaineer’s blade, the air sparse.
Collapsed onto hardened ground, a failure
was found -and yet helping hand-
to rise up, “Come to mountain house and home.”
Not command nor demand, as Enmir learned,
but of kindness, compassion.
Bested, Nomad’s pride could not understand.
Justice was swift- cruel, on sun-scorched land.
Matheson, now Enmir’s friend?
A bear’s might did soften Sun’s cruel blight.
Across highlands the two brothers did roam,
Scimitar and Halberd clash,
ax honed sword, and sword honed ax,
Upon the mountain pass they went, content,
found a village in valley,
“Host a score of Slaugh,” said a passerby.
Matheson with great disdain, cursed the kind,
Forgetting his brother was
born of both Tree and Man, only loved by Fey.
Tears, now streaks of red, as Enmir had fled.
Torn by love he once did have,
eyes flashed dark, loneliness, empty, weary.
Blade raised, unfeeling, blessings forgotten,
Nomad’s child, a sun darkened.
Freed from nature, freed from human desire.
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139,835 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hello Again, My Friend!
It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next part of this story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...
What The Black Eyes See...
Ah, interesting! I thought only the prologue would be structured this way, rather you've made a whole story out of poetry. Love the concept! From what I could glean in these verses, Enmir comes across the nomad Matheson and spars with him, before being shown compassion. As they travel together, they come across a village in a valley. However, Matheson betrays Enmir, who is hurt and flees from him. Let's get into the details though.
Where The Dagger Points...
The poem was great as it is! I could spy no technical errors. There were two things I wanted to mention, recommendations free to take or leave.
One had to do with this verse:
Specifically, with the end line. "The air sparse" felt just a bit out of place, as it reads as more of a descriptor for the environment rather than the fight, and it kinda detracted from this big moment of Enmir being bested by a mysterious mountaineer. I would recommend keeping it -as it is a good sensory descriptor- but lumping it into a more descriptive verse, before or after the fight.
This style certainly leaves some things to the reader's imagination, which is fine of course. If the purpose of the poetry is to relay a specific story, though, maybe some more specific language and buildup could help. Mainly, a verse to show the development of a bond between Matheson and Enmir, rather than just their travels, and one to deepen the reason why Matheson turned hostile. It just felt like a very sudden shift from Matheson offering compassion and Enmir being hesitant to accept out of pride, to Matheson cursing the kind and Enmir feeling betrayed enough to cry. It certainly catches you by surprise, but there's a thin line between surprising the reader and confusing them, haha.
Of course, I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt.
Why The Grin Widened...
There was a lot that you captured very well! The language used in the beginning captures the feeling of Enmir being lost, wandering onto a path he shouldn't have. Then, the travels of the characters, on their dangerous path through mountains, are made more epic by the mention of weapons clashing. Good descriptions, good sensory notes, and easy to follow.
You did also capture Enmir's confusion about being offered kindness well, and how it's so foreign to someone from a merciless and vengeance-driven land. Likewise, you did capture the feeling of betrayal and loss very well in the end. Notes like the tears alongside streaks of red created a gruesome and somber image. And the end verse had me interested:
This paints the picture that Enmir is about to do something terrible as a result of this grief, and that helps show how much Matheson's former kindness meant to him -and that in itself reflects on his character. Blessed perhaps, but trapped in a cursed landscape.
This is just what I could interpret of course; by all means, if I'm off, please correct me ~
Our
MadThoughts...Overall, great part of the story, and I will read part 2 so stay tuned for another review! Nicely done!
By all means, your interpretation to what I have written is the closest to the intent that I had! Your critiques were things that were things that I wanted to change, but could not think of doing. When I inevitably do a final draft and put all the parts together for a gloriously complete epic, I will be sure to change them. The very last line is intended to point out the fact that, unlike Matheson, Enmir is not entirely human. And to some degree, that is why Enmir can act so chaotic and unexpected. Because he is elvish (the first elf, in fact) he leans more to being fey, and thus tempermental and emotional. Compared to humans, Enmir has a larger emotional capacity, and less maturity. When he is 'freed from nature, freed from human desire', he essentially is giving up on his human side. If you have ever read the Stormlight Archive series, something similar happens to the king that gives himself over to Odium.
Ah, very interesting! Thanks for clarifying!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Enmir makes friends with Matheson. All is well until Matheson is at a bar and speaks ill of the elven people, to which Enmir runs away in tears.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - If you are interested in writing about it, I would like to hear more about Matheson, the warrior.
Chocolate Bar - I loved the ending, when Enmir ran away. He doesn’t feel loved, he feels lost and alone. It was poetic and tragic at the same time, for Enmir to hear Matheson speak in such a way about his kind.
Closing Graham Cracker - Enmir made a brief friend, but maybe they can meet again. Maybe he can find a better friend. Hopefully he doesn’t do anything drastic…I’ll have to find out in the next chapter, though.
I wish you a lovely day/night!
I'm basing this off of Scottish folklore (the very little Wikipedia is telling me anyways), so when Matheson is speaking ill of the Slaugh, he isn't cursing elves per-se, but cursing the fey in general. In the prologue, Enmir, the woodfolk's child, is "the first of the elves", a child "of both tree and man". I had hoped that it was clear that Enmir was half fey, but I can understand now where the confusion would come from that he is a descendant of the character in the prologue. Ill try to make it more clear in an edited version. This difference is important because humans don't have a proper word for him, giving him the titles of Woolfolk's child, and sun-kissed (though that is a common reference to the desert nomads).
Thanks!