To the day in the night
When a heart beats in fright
And you lay down your head
Nuzzle the pillow on your bed
You could, you would...
How you hate this dark
Floods your senses, burns your mark
Those shadows under your eyes
Do they, could they speak of untold lies?
They could, they would...
You speak of lack of sleep
You tell of frightening dreams
A bundle of lies, twisted and tied
To keep the prying fingers away
Not one piece should ever stray
But if it should...
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139,643 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Ooh! I like this poem!
One thing that you may consider changing is the structure. At the end of every stanza, you have it break off in an ellipse, which is kind of boring after a while. By varying your structure, it'll make the impact that much more emphatic at the end... and that would be awesome! Also, don't be afraid to complete your thought after a while. Yes, you want to make it drift off, and not completing thoughts is an effective way to do this. But variety is king, and I think some variety would make this poem a lot better than it already is.
See you around!
The only thing that bugs me is that the last stanza is an extra line long, breaking the pattern. It does seem like only an extra line was needed for the conclusion, but it does break up the nice pattern you have for the first two stanzas. I don't see what reason it needs to change, or exactly how it could be changed, it just...I don't know...bugs me, for some reason.
Mark?
a lot of things rhyme with dark-- shark, hark lark, spark, bark, stark...
maybe reword this with a different phrase.
I think this would be better as
And the last stanza was fantastic.
I really like this poem. I think it's a little ill-titled but titles don't really matter. I would have called it Sweet Dreams, or something. But it's your poem, not mine. Take or leave my remarks.
Great job Tiger and keep writing,
Empress
Thank you Twilight, I'm glad you enjoyed it...
This is a really good song! I really like the second stanza because it kind of shows symbolism and people need to read it to really understand what it means, that is a very high point in a song. Keep writing songs like this, its really good!
Thank you Forest, your the best <3
Tiger!!! My tiger buddy...I shall review this poem!
Great job with the rhyming it really worked. I liked this stanza a lot great job here.
This stanza was good also. I love how you made the ending of both stanzas similar it was really great.
Great job Tiger, I couldn't find anything to correct and I was very dissapointed! But great job my friend. This was awesome!