In the time before
The world turned bleak
When the fields of gold
Were patched with trees
I found my love
Eyes black and wide,
A raven haired beauty
We ran side by side.
We loved for a time,
Passionate and true.
But soon we grew restless-
Wandering spirits often do.
We each chose our lot.
We went seperate ways.
We said not a word.
Not a goodbye, nor wave.
I ran wild and free
Auburn hair flowing behind
The world was my friend
Before the humans arrived.
They tore through the land
As if t'was their own,
Catching our friends
Destroying our home.
Wild and free
We ran for our lives
And I saw my first love,
Caught by their knives
She fought with a spirit
That could never be broken
But soon she was theirs
No more than a token.
I cried for her strongly
As only I could
But I could not save her,
She understood.
I ran through the trees
With the rest of my kind.
We got away,
She stayed behind.
In the time before
The world turned bleak
The humans came
And made us weak
We ran and ran
Some got away
Over the mountain
To run- to stay.
Thank you for your help Spiral!
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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Thank you. I'll take that into consideration...
Your story is beautiful but ur first 2 line of stanza 2 should have conluded stanza 1 so the sad side of the stori would just start there.
keep it up
Thank you Kamas! Yes, I like that, I think I'll change it to and instead of the dash.
Elena, Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Wow...its was so touching. I cried literally, my favorite verse was
It was so touching, including this part.
I hope you can keep writing, it something you want to keep grasp.
Your writing is such a true gift.
Oaky, I'm finally here Tiger.
Now I thought this was cute, I like the almost rhyme you had going. It worked for you and created a great flow.
Now, about flow, you have that almost rhyme. But! You don't have it all the way through. The flow really happens starting from:
After that you have a structure flow created nicely.
A small suggestion:
You want to close off smoothly. You want to close off with the flow continued, so I suggest
I feel it works better, but that's up to you
Kamas
I loved it! Tiger you come up with so much good. Did this take awhile to write? Anyway keep up the great work!
Thank you Spiral!
Oh, Shaard, it didn't break up. Here! I will help you. (Don't worry people, she asked me to, and I know the order of stanzas.
In the time before
The world turned bleak
When the fields of gold
Were patched with trees
I found my love
Eyes black and wide,
A raven haired beauty
We ran side by side.
We loved for a time,
Passionate and true.
But soon we grew restless-
Wandering spirits soon do.
We each chose our lot.
We went seperate ways.
We said not a word.
Not a goodbye, nor wave.
I ran wild and free
Auburn hair flowing behind
The world was my friend
Before the humans arrived.
They tore through the land
As if t'was their own,
Catching our friends
Destroying our home.
Wild and free
We ran for our lives
And I saw my first love,
Caught by their knives
She fought with a spirit
That could never be broken
But soon she was theirs
No more than a token.
I cried for her strongly
As only I could
But I could not save her,
She understood.
I ran through the trees
With the rest of my kind.
We got away;
She stayed behind.
In the time before
The world turned bleak,
The humans came
And made us weak.
We ran and ran-
Some got away
Over the mountain
To run- to stay.
Well done, Shaard!