Where broken dreams are castles

Hello, Thriver, KatyaElefant here for another review! LEt's see what we have right here...

I think that you could split this poem into two stanzas so you could create the same effect as you hoped that your ellipsis did(those 3 dots). Those ellipsis are pointless right there because in any sort of writing, you need to make sure that you never put those in there. There are special cases though but I suggest to avoid them. These 3 dots don't leave you with a sense of longing, instead they leave you there wondering why there are 3 dots like that.

You organized this poem very well. I like the rhythm and imagery that you have created here for the reader of the poem to read. Though when I read through this another time, I don't get even what you're trying to say. You might want to rephrase parts or all these poem so it's sort of in chronological order but it's not obvious that's it's in chronological order. I don't understand the concept of broken dreams so there is a place that could already be improved.

Overall, you need to just improve on the organization of this poem. If you say your poetic lines a certain way and then transition them, you will sure to get your point across. You need to find a way to explain why broken dreams are castles and what castle symbolism in this poem. This is a pretty nice poem though!

Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant

I love it it is hilarious. It seems a little silly but interesting all the same. I've written something just like that when I was 8 so its close to home. I think that humor comes to you easily and your imagination is untouched by the outside world. Sadly for me and many others imagination comes from a deep thinking because of television and other things. I wonder if you used legos to inspire you? Those usually help me with my imagination

I love it it is hilarious. It seems a little silly but interesting all the same. I've written something just like that when I was 8 so its close to home. I think that humor comes to you easily and your imagination is untouched by the outside world. Sadly for me and many others imagination comes from a deep thinking because of television and other things.

I love it it is hilarious. It seems a little silly but interesting all the same. I've written something just like that when I was 8 so its close to home. I think that humor comes to you easily and your imagination is untouched by the outside world.

Hi Thriver,

Honestly? I don't think this makes sense. Now, one of my best friends once said to me that poetry is the "Emperor's new clothes." I have rarely disagreed with him more. Poetry is not nonsensical or meaningless or a medium which people have bloated to more than it is. It has fantastic power. But it can also be difficult to understand on first reading - it is not spoon-fed. It is not easy. It is supposed to have layers which you can unpeel and feast upon.

There is a danger, however, for it to slip into the new clothes of the Emperor if the poet is not in control of his or her writing. It can be easy to simply throw in some nice sounding words and images and hope they all stick together and become something more than their parts. I think your problem here is this poem is the latter, not the former: your piece here lacks internal logic and has veered towards triviality.

There's something telling your choice of subtitled author's note: "No idea why I wrote it." When writing poetry, you need to know what you're trying to say. Or, at least, your final draft should reflect what you're trying to say. It's okay to splurge out onto the page ideas and images, and then later refine this into a tighter, deeper, more expressive piece. However, what I think you have posted here is a very raw first draft which needs a lot of work.

Take your use of castles. At first, you present the castle as a metaphor for broken dreams. However, later in the poem, you also say that "castles would be skeletons." There is a breakdown in internal logic and I can't see the deeper meaning in saying castles are both broken dreams and skeletons. Perhaps broken dreams can be a person's skeleton in the closet? Maybe, but that theme is not prevalent throughout the rest of the text and there is no indication why a reader should make that logical leap. And why then would they also be castles? It is far more likely that you simply wrote images as they came into your head, and did not take a second look.

You also present a lot of loaded terms like dragon and alien. For a reader the use of both is puzzling. Dragons are typically a fantasy trope, and aliens a science-fiction trope. Using both is fine if you have a reason that pertains to a greater theme you are presenting, but I see nothing here. The narrator meets an alien (and also the horizon of two worlds?) and the other subject in the poem "would be a dragon" but there's seemingly no reason for either of these things. The alien part makes sense because the narrator meets a different part of themselves, but the jump then to the other person[?] being a dragon is a difficult one.

I could say more, but I will stop. I would try to rewrite this. It looks like at my best guess you are attempting to present the feeling of person changing, of becoming new, of developing into something else, of leaving broken dreams and chasing new ones, or being chained to their old ones. That is a good idea and fine concept with which to write a poem. But it is not this one and you can do better.

Thriver, this is a lovely short poem.

It is lovely because even if it is short, each sentence holds a lot of meaning and still contributes to the bigger picture of the poem. The suspense and adventure is intriguing as well.

It is so well written I don't have much to critic, however, I wonder, was it intentional that you do not space the poem into stanzas? However, this is not problematic because it is short.

And also was it intentional that some lines do not have punctuation marks at the end whilst almost every other has it, such as these two sentences:

Deep, deep, ahead

That I would be the horizon of two worlds


Keep up with the beautiful poetry. Loved it.