Patterns of Light

Hey Therese! Writer here with another review ^_^ Sorry you asked me not to, but I am, because these are actually really good. You underestimate yourself, sis.
Let us commence.

Billions of stars, light-years away,
Circle together in rings of light.

Okay, this is a good opening. I like the “billions of stars” but look at what you did. You had redundancy in your poem! Of course redundancy doesn’t always have to be change, but I think that every word in poetry is important and holds meaning, so when you repeat yourself, it’s a no-no. You say “light” twice. Though they are both in different contexts, they’re still repeating. I think you should have a different in the place of “light.” Maybe, “Circle together in rings of bright white” or something like that >.< Gah I’m not fond of the “bright white,” but it’s an example.

Bound by a force that cannot be seen,
Stars are mysteries that we always see.

>.> Okay, so I really like the line “bound by a force that cannot be seen” because I always think a bond is strong, especially when one doesn’t describe what kind of bond this is (i.e., whether it’s a strong or a weak bond). So that was cool. But then you say “cannot be seen” “we always see.” I wouldn’t mind this sometimes, but this redundancy gives a dull repetition in your poem, which is not something you want duh Writer, way to be captain obvious. So I would be careful when you go back to revise, but remember, these things can be changed easily.
“Bound by a force that cannot be seen,
Stars are a mystery that captivates our eyes for a fleeting moment.”
Or something like that Just work on showing us rather than telling us. Give us some imagery to make us emotional, whether in wonder or in confusion or something blah, blah, blah. I ramble. But you get the point, right?

They were created in the beginning of time,
Those little spheres of bright starry light.
They glimmer in the night sky,
Guiding us through the long and weary nights.

Erm, this stanza could use some work. You’re describing stars. Remember (and maybe this doesn’t apply to you, but anyway..) back when you had to define words without using said word in the definition? Well here you’re doing the exact opposite by saying “starry light.” “Created in the beginning of time” is fine, but work on descriptions for the stars. Maybe you didn’t see my new poem, but I actually wrote a line I liked where I said “Those lights hung in the heavens…” or something along those lines. Give it personification, talk about what it could do as a human. Does it watch over us? Do they dance, do they sing? No, probably not. But being original comes from finding a new and totally unexpected twist in describing/creating something. So work on that
“Glimmer,” my dear, is an overused word to describe what stars can do. I read that a lot in poems. Like “Yeah, okayyyy, I get they do that, but what else can they do?” You know? Just ask yourself that. And I wasn’t aware you were rhyming. You don’t do that anywhere else, and the use of “light” at the end of a line has happened already, so be careful. But seriously, watch out for unintentional rhymes, because I’ve done it myself. You start off free verse, but your lines (which happened in another poem of yours) are so close to the length of a rhyming poem you find yourself doing it in a stanza by accident. Eek!

We gaze through the glass,
And try to see, the wonders of the universe revealed.
Supernova appears, illuminating space.
Stars will form, creating new stellar life.
Pulsars and quasars glow in the sky.
Giving off more energy than our own great sun.

Wow…so a lot happened in this poem. First of all, take a look at all of your other stanzas. They’re all the traditional four rhyming poem stanza! And then this one is six. Hmm, not sure if this was intentional or not, but I would go back and work on this. I mean, it doesn’t take away from the poem, but like I said, be careful. No offense, but “We gaze through the glass” is probably the most poetic line out of this whole poem XD Maybe you meant looking through a window, but I think you’re looking at the sky, a black pool filled with silver fish. (ooh I totes just made that up). A pool that’s glassy and shtuff. So take from that line and create something even bigger and more imagery-ish out of it

Stars will form, creating new stellar life.

So one thing I want you to understand (and maybe this isn’t a rule or the truth or anything) but when you’re describing something or talking about something, like the starts in this instance, I would never use the word anywhere in my poem. Ever. Don’t do it. Avoid it. Okay? That’s where the dun dun dunnn synonym game comes in! That’s what I do, I literally go on Google and just type in a word I don’t want to repeat and find synonyms. Yeah I don’t have a wide vocab apparently. ;P
So I hope I don’t sound harsh through any of this, because I totally think this is awesome and it can be worked on. Definitely be more descriptive, and try and incorporate a lot of imagery in this piece to make us feel something.
So I will be blunt…this wasn’t very poetic. There were great ideas that could easily have been given the mission to cause emotions…but you just didn’t do it. That’s probably the downfall of this poem. However I do think you gave yourself a lot to work with, which is great! You can totally enhance all that you’ve said, and give it life. In the end, you have a great start here. And I hope you reconsider writing more poetry! You are doing just fine. Good writing is true writing, as Mr. Ernest Hemingway once said. This poem is in fact true, but make it truer through emotions.
Gah I ramble. I really do.
Moving on to the next poem now!
~Thewriter13

Hey sis! I'm gonna give a whoppin' awesome review! You're gonna be sooooo grateful. lol

So, I really liked this piece. I could actually paint a picture in my mind while I read it, which is something very difficult to do. Good job!

Now, down to business! evil laugh Hehehehe........

Billions of stars, light-years away,

Circle together in rings of light.

Bound by a force that cannot be seen,

Stars are mysteries that we always see.

This is a really great way to open the piece. It immediately made me think of huge galaxies of stars. Great job! However, the last line didn't flow very well with the rest of the verse. It seemed too stark and abrupt to me.

They were created in the beginning of time,

Those little spheres of bright starry light.

They glimmer in the night sky,

Guiding us through the long and weary nights.

This is definitely my favorite verse, especially the last line.

|There are vacuums in space that cannot be seen,

Not even light can escape a black hole.

But we study the greatest mystery ever known,

Dark energy that could rip our universe apart.

This was also a good verse. However, the second line didn't flow as well as the rest of it did. It sounded more like a statement than prose, which is what you should totally avoid in poetry, in my humble opinion.

All these wonders are part of our lives,

Placed in patterns across the sky.

These patterns of light we will always see,

Until the end of our time.

This was a beautiful way to end the piece. It was a brilliant way to make it seem less like a distant mystery and more like our everyday life. It was somehow made more familiar.

Great job and can't wait for the next one!

~victorianbeauty, a.k.a your sister