A father stood by a bedside,
Tears glistening in his eyes.
He stared down at the little form,
And tried to understand God’s holy will.
She had been so full of life and promise.
A light in the darkness she had become
When all would seem lost to him,
He would look to her to bring joy to him.
She would laugh and sing,
Always bringing light to his day.
And then it was snuffed out,
Like a candle in the dark.
God had called her home.
He hadn’t seen this coming,
He couldn’t believe it was true,
He just couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t be there with him.
He leaned down and touched her peaceful face,
God is almighty and he is all good.
Everything he did is because he loves her,
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Wow, this is a beautiful poem. I feel tears prickling my eyes. Awesome job, Therese.
Thanks!
You're welcome.
Maybe I'm just a sap, but this made tears well up in my eyes. I have a really close relationship with my father, and I'm also a nurse who sees a lot of sick people, so that could be part of it.
For a first ever poem, this is well done. The title and ending are both very sweet.
Just some small suggestions:
"A light in the darkness she had become"
The punctuation seems incomplete in this line. I like the way it's phrased, but I would have added a comma between darkness and she, to make it flow a little easier.
"He would look to her to bring joy to him."
This line sounds awkward to me. I would suggest saying "He looked to her to bring him joy" instead. It's easier on the reader's ears and flows nicer, imo.
Other than that, some very nice imagery and powerful message in this piece. Well done!
- Doc
Oh, thank you so much! I'll take that nitpick and use it when I get around to editing this.
I have plans for this poem one day. xD
Thank you!
Hey Therese! Writer here to give a review. Okay look, poetry is more of my specialty when it comes to reviewing, so YES, I am going to review these works. I hope you start writing poetry again (and reviewing it) because you a great job!
So that’s just one thing.
sheesh you’re all around perfectOkay, let us commence.
First stanza totally gave me a rhyming vibe, as the syllables in each line had this rhyming rhythm pattern-ish thing going on here. I know this topic wouldn’t do well rhyming, mainly because this is more solemn. But if this is free verse, I suggest maybe keeping every line the same length, rather than one long line, one short, one long, one short, because I already feel like this poem should rhyme
Ohmigosh, this reminds me of Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood, or God’s Will by Martina McBride. Which is awesome because I love both song. However, I think this lacks a little bit of imagery. I like “little form” but maybe add more to that. Is this little form moving? Does it squirm like a puppy? (Okay, that was weird, but you get the picture.) Or is this form not moving because she is either sick or not alive anymore or asleep? Just be a little more specific is all. ^^ I like the whole “trying to understand” because it can be very hard to do so. I mean, why would God take away my baby sister before I even got to meet her? I don’t know, but I know she’s up in Heaven with God. But still, it’s hard to understand why and I don’t think I will until I go to Heaven. So I can totes relate. Which is always a good asset for a poem, because when people can relate, they love the poem even more <3
Hmm…there’s a bit of redundancy and a cliché (DUN DUN DUNN). Gah, I love the “light in darkness” imagery, but honey, it’s been overused. I know, I’ve done the same. But think of a new kind of metaphor that has the same concept but uses different images. Like…a flashlight in the dark draped basement or something like that. Or if this girl is sick, talk about what part of her is sick and make that the “darkness in the light.” Maybe if she has heart failure, it could be “Her heart the only beating thing he could feel…” if that makes sense. Hope that helps take away the cliché (though I am a master at cliché when I want to be
Uh oh, repetition. You’ve already talked about light. Now, if you do change that “light to the darkness” thing, then keep this. Yay. But if you don’t, this should be changed. And isn’t day already light? Make it seem like the day is a cloudy hell, or a thunderstorm of pain, and she’s there to save him with her light or her healing (like a band-aid). I dunno, just a thought. I do like the snuffing out, but there’s that dark again. Find synonyms! Use words like “navy” or “black” to give us a visual. Therese, you have the idea, you just need the imagery to enhance the idea ^^
*cries into a tissue* Okay, I didn’t do that. But I want you to make me do that. Using imagery, personification, or any kind of figurative language can be so powerful, it triggers an unwanted emotion (like crying). Heh heh. And when you say “He” following “God” makes me think God didn’t see this coming, which of course He did, because He is God. And I’m not stupid, because I know the “He” is referring to the father, but you should identify this in the stanza just to be more specific. Comprende? Okay.
Again with the punctuation consistency. Comma period comma period. SAY IT WITH ME: COMMA PERIOD COMMA PERIOD
Hmm…the stanza is also a little bland. “He just couldn’t believe she wouldn’t be there with him” could mean a million things. Be with him where? Be with him why? Be with him while she’s dying? Lots of questions, so ya. You get the point.
Okay, so huge transition. First he doubts God’s doing and then bam, without leading up to it, he accepts it? What makes him accept God’s will. Why does he accept it. Is it the peaceful face?? I think “God is almighty and He is all good.” could be in italics just to like, totally send the message in an even better way. Plus again with the “God” and “he” in the same idea. This is God’s little girl, but you are referring to the father’s little girl in this line. So maybe “God will protect and watch over Daddy’s little girl.” Just to make it cuter and make me cry for real.
I loved this.
So much.
But I think I would love it more if you A.)slowed down the transitions B.)used more imagery C.)worked on your word choice and punctuation
But the idea is lovely and totally reminds me of my little sister. And I really appreciate the message you are sending as well. Well done, Therese! See, I did a review (hee hee) and you have two more on the way!
~Thewriter13
I didn't get a notification for thisThank you sooo much for the review little sister! This was like my first poetry work that I've ever written sooo, I can see why I need to work on this so much.*cough* I'm supposed to make youuu burst into tears on that part... hehe, I'm gonna start working on that tonight!
after I'm done writing some reviews*starts saying Comma PERIOD, COMMA PERIOD.* Sound good? I get it. Stay with the flow throughout the entire thing. Thanks!Again, I'm really really sorry I didn't reply to these sooner. Thank you sooo much!
Hey CesareBorgia here for a review.
I liked the the theme of the poem. It had a really good flow to it. I liked how you used God in the third person, because we are unaware of how God thinks.
I have one nitpick:
1)
Sorry if I sound like an editor, but that's a style error.
Best of luck in writing
~Cesare Borgia
haha, that's why you said to check notifications in chat. Ahhhh, OK, I will edit. Thanks!!!
It's joallover here for a review! This is sweet, it really is. I have a few nit picks to point out though
You need to watch the repetitive word choice, such as
When all would seem lost to him,
He would look to her to bring joy to him.
You ended both lines with the word "him."
One other thing is the line "Like a candle in the dark."
I can't really place what I don't like, I just see it as a little...odd, yet clever in the context.
Other than that, just watch some beats in the phrasing. It's a lot better than my first poem though! Good job! Haha
Keep writing!
-joallover
Hey, thanks for the review!!!! I will totally get to editing!!!
This is beautiful.
Why,thank you Cheetah!
Hey Therese! Nice seeing something from you! Alright, this is a really great poem, but it lacks the force that this subject can and should give. You need more vivid descriptions in the lines, expressions of the MC's pain and grief. Saying "grief" or "pain" seems very bland. Try using a more powerful substitute.
I notice that "he" (and variants) was used fourteen times. I would suggest trying to refer to the MC in an indirect manner. Not only will this force emotional description, it will also add a lot to the imagery of the poem.
Although it does give some grip for the poem, especially the following verse, which I liked best, despite its repetitive use of "he" to start all lines.
Also in remarks to the rhythm:
6-6-7-10 10-6-7-6 6-7-17 9-10-11-13
Alright, it gets a little longwinded near the end, especially this line:
I would suggest splitting it in two or shortening it.
For the last line:
I would suggest not using "So" in front. Just eliminate it and the verse will go brilliantly, making sense and in a 9-10-11-12 rhythm.
Keep Writing!
I went in and fixed a couple of things that SeptemberLove had found fault with so I'll work on your critiques now.
Thank you so much for the review!
Hello! This is such a lovely topic to write about- though how sad and mournful it is. It is very often used however. YOur poem was- at best- generic. It needs LIFE. That is the most important part to a poem about death. Without life it is simply words. Every death has a meaning, and death cannot occur without life. I would like to see more of the relationship between the father and daughter. Perhaps you could provide flashbacks and memories. When someone dies, much of what we think about is in fact, remembering, and living in those memories of happiness so as to lessen the blow of everything that we feel we can not face. You did well with what you started. You wrote it well. But you just need life. Bring the death of the little girl to life. Show her life through the life that is in her death. If you do not have a well understanding of death it is hard to write about. Most who try end up stuck in the cliché of it all. Thank you.
Hey thanks for the review! I will defiantly work on it.