Woman, you deserve more than flowers.
You deserve more than vows.
You deserve more than that ring,
Woman, you deserve more than love
The beauty in your eyes
Woman you deserve more than tender touches
The beauty of your voice
Woman you deserve more than kisses
Dear you deserve more,
something unseen, someone untouchable
More than gold, more than diamonds triple fold
Trust me, you deserve more
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there, Theo! ^^
I was wandering around on the front page and saw this title and tada here I am! The people before me already talked about the grammatical errors so I'm just going to say that I really loved this piece.
It's beautiful and sincere and just straight forward. I think every woman wishes for a guy who thinks she deserves more.
Congratulations on making such a beautiful piece. =) I really enjoyed reading this and thanks for sharing.
-qaralynn-
Ooh la la! Me gusta! I like the concept of this -very nice.
However, there are several errors you've made. It's mostly punctuation; commas after 'woman' and whatnot. So here we go. This is how I would choose to punctuate your poem if I were you (keeping rhythmic flows in mind, yada yada it's not set in stone):
"Woman, you deserve more than flowers.
You deserve more than vows.
You deserve more than that ring;
Woman, you deserve more than love.
The beauty in your eyes
-Woman, you deserve more than tender touches.
The beauty in your eyes
-Woman, you deserve more than kisses.
Dear, you deserve more,
Something unseen, someone untouchable.
More than gold, more than diamonds triple fold.
Trust me, you deserve more."
Now there were some things about the last stanza that I didn't really like. (I did, however, like the switch from 'woman' to 'dear'). So you've essentially been going on about 'deserving more' for the majority of the poem, and it keeps building up in romantic words, and then at the end it just kind of flops and goes "trust me, you deserve more". Well... YEAH. Your last line is basically everything you've covered in one sentence, and personally, I think it makes everything else seem less amorous.
Then there's the 'what you deserve' part. More than gold, diamonds triple fold -that's all understandable. But 'something unseen, someone untouchable'? Um.
So I'm assuming the 'unseen' thing is love, but then I remember you've already said 'more than love'... and practically, who would want someone untouchable?
Overall, while the poem has a interesting topic and comes across with the right emotions, some of the lines just don't really touch down right. I realise what you're trying to say, though: This woman should be showered in love, she should be given utmost devotion and you (narrator) just want to hand over you soul because you can't even express how much she deserves.
This concludes my review, and I must only reiterate one thing: seriously, change the last line. I really don't like it. At all.
Hello there.
It's Whisperer here.
First of all, the 'directness' of the title drew me into reading the poem. Anyway, here we go:
- I get the directness of the line, but it could've been 'useful' if you described what was beautiful in her eyes.
- I think you forgot to put a comma after 'Woman' there.
- Same with the other one, describe to us (in the most poetic way you can).
- You also forgot to put a comma after 'Woman' here.
- Put a comma after 'Dear'.
- I like the rhyme here.
- I think you ought to put a period in the end (same with the other stanzas).
What I felt the most from the poem, and the best thing that it can show to the reader, is the passion of the persona. It is as if he actually wants to tell these words to the woman directly, face-to-face, like a message. Hence, this is what I like about the poem.
Thing is, the poem lacked enough imagery in my opinion. You got the emotion part down. Now, you have to balance it with imagery. The balance of the two is one of the things that make a literary piece perfect.
For this poem, I think my point is, you could've described what the persona believes the woman deserves. 'Show' the readers what she deserves. And in order to do so, you might want to use a less simpler vocabulary. Make the readers imagine.
Never stop writing. ^_^
Anyway, I forgot to mention xD, I think the use of color change there is interesting.