p.s. I based the characters from a ship I had when I first played genshin and I’m just rewriting the short scene I wrote for myself here.
“I love you.”
“Don’t say that.”
“But it’s the truth.”
“It’s just trauma.”
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“It is NOT trauma you big idiot.”, Kevlar locked eyes with him. “It’s affection and respect that has grown through the adventures we had together. Your righteousness and bravery. Your smile when we managed to save the world.”
“Can’t one smile after a long journey?”, Raide replied sarcastically although he tried to look away.
“Yes indeed, a long journey it was. And feel free to smile anytime, anywhere, I would love you even more for it.”
An awkward silence.
After a few moments, Kevlar broke the silence.
“You know,” Kevlar looked far out into the distance where a giant tree basked in the setting sun, “if I had the chance to start over, I would still choose to sit under that oak tree in the field, reading that book about dandelions.” She chuckled and then changed to a more sorrow expression, never losing her smile. “Right up until that fateful day of chaos, when the monsters came and we met.” She smiled, “Still, I wouldn’t change a thing. Maybe it’s because everything that we’ve experienced together, just.. made us who we are.” She paused and looked up into the flaming red sky. “You are my saviour, Rai. You are my friend, my comrade, and my dusk. Every moment I’m alive and with you, it feels like my soul is at peace.”
Raide looked at her, expression unreadable..
“I love you for your levelheadedness when I couldn’t keep it together, I love you for your unbreakable will to complete your goals,” Kevlar held a hand to her chest like a soldier, stood up straight, and looked earnestly into his eyes, her gaze cool and steady. “I love how you always treat everyone with equality regardless of who they are, I love how you prefer to work in the shadows even though you could have gained much from being the hero, I love the passionate personality you keep under wraps, and I love your dishevelled look in the mornings.” A small smirk that disappeared just as quickly.
“I love your taste in swords, I love your sarcasm when you get nervous, I love how you always have my back during the battles with the monsters, I-“
“Enough.”
“You-“
Raide reached forward and pulled her into a kiss, one that left them both breathless when they finally parted. When they did, they leaned into each other until their foreheads touched and they were both gazing into each other’s eyes, both wanting more of the other’s touch.
Kevlar smirked, eyes twinkling,
“I love you, Raide.”
“I.. too”
“Heh.”
“Shut it.”
Kevlar laughed once more then looked for the first time into her lover’s eyes.
“Well, till the world ends or the sun crashes down upon us right?”
Although she didn’t say the full question, Raide still understood.
“I would follow you to the ends of this world.”
the end I hope you liked it!
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Howdy! I hope you're having a good day or night thus far!
Though I lack the context, having never really gotten into Genshin, this short stands well on its own. You use powerful descriptions of the setting, some having really stood out to me,
The dialogue was also incredibly sweet; I liked the dynamic between these two characters. However, without having any prior knowledge about Raide and Kevlar, I had trouble getting invested in their confession. Rather than dropping us right off in the middle of this scene, some build up/tension might help readers (whether they're a member of the fandom or not) sympathize with these two characters. For example, is Kevlar nervous about sharing their feelings? Or are they confident they're reciprocated? Are their outside obstacles that might prevent them from being together?
I occasionally had some trouble deciphering who was speaking at which points. Don't be afraid to use dialogue tags! Our language arts teacher's might have beaten it out of us, but they are actually a very important literary tool. Without them, it becomes difficult to know who's speaking-when. There are other ways to communicate who's talking, but dialogue tags are by far the most effective. For example,
This is an intriguing opening, but it's difficult for a reader follow.
In its entire, this was a really sweet read! I liked the characters, descriptions, and dialogue. (And who knows, this might have been the push I needed to finally download Genshin.) I hope you have a good rest of your day! Keep on writing!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: I'm not quite familiar with the fandom here but just looking at it purely as a story, I think its a very sweet little tale that achieves the emotions that it sets out to achieve pretty well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm well this is a nice little start. A pretty compelling little conversation to get us started here. I think it immediately gets nicely to the point of things introducing the situation to us while also giving us a nice glimpse into what sort of situation these two are actually in and I think that's quite well done.
Well you can certainly tell they've been through quite a lot together. That's definitely quite the heartfelt speech an you can feel the person truly pouring their emotions out in this moment. Hopefully there is going to be some sort of reciprocation happening here.
Well this is just slowly getting more and more adorable and I love it. You've done a wonderful job really bringing that dialogue to life and the description surrounding it for the actions of the two of them is just enough to perfectly get the message across here.
Well that's a lovely ending to that buildup there. I think you kept things in a little bit of doubt for just the perfect amount of time that when it finally happens it feels very powerful and then it just ends up being a really amazing scene as a result. Very nicely done there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall its a simple little piece with a simple goal and even without the context I think it managed to create quite a few strong emotions there so I'd say its managed to do its job really quite well.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate