I dream
in the night when no one can stop me
and I dream by day,
but it is interrupted,
halting—
shattered.
I dream
to the tune of half-conceived
fantasies. They play like broken chords
and in small, blurry print,
following every invention of my mind
is the regretful disclaimer of being
full
of empty promises.
I dream of the world,
sitting as a ball of clay in my palm,
of high-wattage spotlights
and shaking hands with kings and queens.
Wishful thinking takes me
on a whirlwind voyage across
the seven seas and by day,
I dream of book signings
or perhaps cash prizes and smiling faces
-my Ma’s beam of joy or my dad’s
or maybe I just imagine
my smiling face.
Yet,
in between the shards of my
daydream, I see
the wasteland of consequences:
the closed doors of my past,
the barred doors of my future
-the gates never unlocked,
as I sat here dreaming.
In the night there is no in-between,
no wasteland to be found;
there is only the world in my hands,
the pride in my expression, and the
music in my head. And this
I dream,
and so,
I dream.
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This poem read like a lovely dream <3
Bravo, splendid job!
I like your use of dashes and hyphens, they add to the rhythm to meaning, I particularly like the "halting—
shattered" part. It's abrupt and stresses the feeling of being jolted out of a dream. The hyphen in between in-between is nice and symbolic. And I find the dashes in the second and third stanzas interesting, if a little unnecessary.
I also liked the italics for my, at first I was confused, but when I think about it...it shows the speaker's slight selfishness in wanting success. Of course the speaker wants to impress her/his parents, but she/him also wants to feel happiness. the MY highlights that pride. Also it highlights the bizarre nature of dreams and how it is possible to see things from the outside looking in, and how it is possible to see your own smile when you dream it.
Either way, I liked that you italicized it, and made me, the reader, stop and think about it.
This poem as whole celebrates wonder and thoughtfulness, which I appreciate.
I also like how you ended it, the ending seems to go on...which shows the nature of a dream uninterrupted. Dream within a dream, shall I dare make an inception reference?
Anyway, great poem and keep dreaming! And I mean that in a good way. As depicted in this poem, dreams really are a wonderful thing
This is a very breath taking poem! I just can't tear myself away from it! I'm going to print it out and take it with me to school just so that I can read it over and over. Be honoured~ That spot used to be held by Poe's The Raven.
On to nitpicking:
There wasn't anything really big that I noticed and I applaud you for this elegant poem~. The only thing that I can think of is in the second stanza. Is there a particular reason why you chose to have the word, "fantasized" alone on the next line before the sentence begins? I feel that it interrupts the flow a good deal and I would recommend you bring that word to its sentence buddies.
Other than that, I have no criticisms! Thank you for the beautiful poem~
Hiya, my wyrdsista!
I had the immense pleasure of reading this at 4a.m today and, now, here is my review for you -- poppin' fresh out the oven.
So, this was my interpretation of your piece:
"I Dream" - A poem about a young dreamer whose dreaming, maybe coupled with procrastination and/or impracticality, is also the seat of his/her self-defeatist behavior.
It is his/her tragic flaw...
And I can relate a lot to this. This, indeed is a mirror to a major part of my being.
As far as mechanics, this was very soundly composed. I noticed the ironic definitions of Day (a weary, fragile time) and Night (a whimsical, boundless, transcendent time) made in the first stanza, purely by the implicit context.
But then, in -- really, my favorite part (perhaps the core, in fact) -- the second stanza, where the meaning unfolds, I did notice a kind of metaphorical dissonance.
"tune of half-conceived fantasies"/"broken chords"/"blurry print"
The idea presented is clear enough; but the transition from musical metaphor to one about legal fine print is jagged and slightly disconcerting. The problem seems to stem from the break after "broken chords" with the use of "and" in the beginning of the following comparison.
I'm expecting more of a connection between these two things but it's instead very vague.
Hmm...then there's the matter of word choice: really small, actually. Not that big a deal.
It's mostly just an agreement with jls1638's review -- I'd want more of an impact from this poem, you know?
I want to feel his/her despair and ultimate resignation to this stagnant fate! Maybe by using stronger words (like substituting "smiling" with "grinning") or evocative metaphor/simile/visual juxtapositions. Right now, there's a kind of passiveness -- and I can definitely see how that works with the meaning you're pushing here, but still...
Anyway! Again, this was a great read, especially at this whimsical, boundless hour.
Hope to see more from you,
Max♥
This is a really interesting work. I like that you have a consistency to it and that it's easy to understand. I like how you explained reality in this, as a wasteland. It really gives a clear picture of what the person is feeling. I also like the fact that you can see when the thoughts turn from kind of peaceful to nightmarish. I think that that transition was done well. As for content I think that I would almost expand on the poem and add more descriptive words. You almost want to seem like your repeating yourself because sometimes when you only say things once the impact of them is smaller but if you say it multiple times in different ways people can feel what you are getting across better. For example if you were to say instead of just "the gates never unlocked" saying "the forever unyielding gates, whose iron bars will never be unlocked" it evokes more emotion than saying one simple line then moving on. So over all I like it but I think that if you elaborated in some spots and added more detail it would help with evoking feeling more productively.