CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION
On a snowy day in January , Demelza Robins was feeding her two week old child when she got a howler - a magic letter that spoke - that said that her husband - George Robins - was killed by a known dark wizard who enjoyed killing muggles - people who have no magic in there blood - . After she put her child down and began to weep and weep till the men from the Ministry of Magic - the wizard government - came to do all the paper work. For hours at a time Demelza had to do paper work after she was almost done she excused herself then went to the bathroom. A glow of green light came from the bath room , the men from the ministry unlocked the door to find a dead Demelza Robins.
The boy's name is Ben, he was taken to his only living family who was the Weasley Family his Father was Ronald Weasley's cousin. All of the boys other family were dead or had disowned him due to the fact that his family were all blood traitors - Pure blood wizards who marry muggles -. Ben was the same age as Rose Weasley , Ron Weasley's daughter. In 2017 Ben and Rose were accepted into Hogwarts and on September 1st they were taken by Ron Weasley and Hermione Weasley ( Ron's wife ).
CHAPTER 2: HOGWARTS EXPRESS
Ben helped his cousin Rose on board the Hogwarts express and waved good by to Ron Weasley and Hermoine Weasley. They found a cart with Albus Potter and sat down. " So you both are going to be in Hufflepuff right?" said Albus jokingly . " Never on my life!" said Ben with a angry tone. " Wow only a joke , Ben!" said Albus laughing. " You have always been one for jokes haven't you Albus." said Rose picking at Albus. " But jokes aside , what house do you think you'll be in?" said Albus. " I hope to be in Gryffindor!" said Rose to Albus "As well as I! I want to be just like my Father!" Albus replied back to Rose.
For the duration of the trip Albus and Rose talked a whole lot but left Ben to his studying , Ben had nearly read the whole " Fantastic Beast and Where To Find Them." by the end of the ride. As they neared Hogwarts a prefect came down the train halls telling all the first years to put on there robes. The lot quickly slide there robes over there muggle clothes and sat back down. " I head the head master is very mean." said Albus " My mother said that she was one of her favorite students." replied Rose. " I hope I'm her favorite!" said Ben " Of course you will I imagine you already read her text book?" said Albus " No I intend to save that one for a special time!" said Ben jokingly.
CHAPTER 3: SORTING HAT
After an other five minutes the train arrived at Hogwarts. The castle was looking as best as it had ever had. A large man came to train and yelled " All first years with me!". All the first years surrounded the large man and listened to what he had to say. " My name is Alfred but most call me Al which you are allowed to call me. I am the Keeper of Keys and Grounds here at Hogwarts. Ill be taking you to the castle this evening . Now if you'll follow me!" Al concluded.
The students where instructed to get inside boats. Once they were all in the boats drove them selves to the main entrance of Hogwarts where the view was so magic that a wizard could not produce such a amazing image. The students where taken to the Great Hall where they where to be determined what house they are chosen to be in. The houses are as the following:
-Hufflepuff - Loyal , Honest , and Hard-working.
-Gryffindor- Brave,Daring, and Nerve.
-Ravenclaw- Wit,Wisdom, and Creativity.
-Slytherin- Ambition,Cunning, and Cleverness.
Rose was the first one to go up to be chosen. When she got to the chair the Sorting Hat was placed on her after a minute the Hat yelled " GRYFFINDOR!!" next was Albus the hat almost as soon as it was put on him yelled " GRYFFINDOR!!" . Now it was Ben's turn he walked up and sat down on the chair the hat was placed on him and the hat whispered to Ben " Tricky , tricky. Ravenclaw like his Father or Gryffindor like his mother. You will do your best in .... GRYFFINDOR!!" Ben joined Rose and Albus both of them clapped there hands on his back.
[ END OF PART ONE ]
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I have to say, that the opening of this story is very odd, and is more suited to a biography than a work of fiction. You could argue it's a fictional biography, but it is a very unusual style choice. I know this is fan fiction, but I don't understand what the point of the story is?! The writing itself is of fairly average quality.
I would suggest considering the length and formation of your sentences, such as: Looking at your opening line... it is a novel in itself. I would recommend cutting this down so you avoid Purple Prose Syndrome. (PPS - where you use long, flowery vocab and sentences.)
'On a snowy day in January , Demelza Robins was feeding her two week old child when she got a howler - a magic letter that spoke - that said that her husband - George Robins - was killed by a known dark wizard who enjoyed killing muggles - people who have no magic in there blood - .'
Also, it would be a good idea to check your spelling:
" I head the head master is very mean." It should say 'I heard'. Minor, it matters if you want it to look professional.
Also... not entirely grammatically accurate:
'said Ben with a angry tone' This should read: ...with AN angry tone.'
I'm not sure whether this is a lack of proof reading or just overlooked mistakes. Either way... needs a bit of editing.
Otherwise... I would be interested to see what you are going to do with this work. You are obviously a Potter fan and I admire that. I'm sure JKR would too.
I must say and add that I normally do not read fan fiction. I've never really gotten into it, I suppose. But, I just felt like trying something new for once, and Harry Potter is positively one of my favorite series. Therefore, on a positive note, I really enjoyed the background of the story. However, I will have to agree with the others. The way you used your wording and punctuation was a tad bit awkward and hard for me to follow. Now, we all have our points that we struggle in (me included) so it's hard for me to reprimand someone else's work but it's what makes us all better. What I truly would suggest to you is to give more detail in order to draw people into your story, and to work on how you order your sentences..etc. I will also agree with what defyinggravity said before me. Your chapters are a bit too short for them to be actual chapters. In fact, you could probably combine all of the chapters you have right here and make them into a single one. But despite that, make sure you keep on writing! It's how each and every one of use improve! Even experienced writers can always improve their work. So, keep working hard and I'm sure you'll definitely improve! Practice makes perfect, after all! c:
I like fan fiction. Especially Harry Potter although I don't like it much. I just have to say, this wording and the punctuation was so incredibly awkward and it didn't flow. I could not get through the first few paragraphs. I'm sorry
I swear I'm not trying to be mean.
"On a snowy day in January , Demelza Robins was feeding her two week old child when she got a howler - a magic letter that spoke - that said that her husband - George Robins - was killed by a known dark wizard who enjoyed killing muggles - people who have no magic in there blood - . After she put her child down and began to weep and weep till the men from the Ministry of Magic - the wizard government - came to do all the paper work. For hours at a time Demelza had to do paper work after she was almost done she excused herself then went to the bathroom. A glow of green light came from the bath room , the men from the ministry unlocked the door to find a dead Demelza Robins."
The second sentence Is a run on sentence. And there are grammar errors. You tried to disguise the run on by using a lot of dashes which made it really weird looking. YOu shouldn't have anymore than one or two dashes in a sentence. When you tell the reader what muggle is, you say "people who have no magic in there blood" you used the wrong there. The sentence should be "people who have no magic in their blood."
The other thing I wish is that you would have done a fanfiction that followed someone related to a character really important to the story. For example, Harry's kids, or Hagrid or Ron and Hermione's kids or Teddy Lupin. There is no Ben Robins, and putting another character in the story that we don't know is a no-no. Especially when you DO try to clash them with Harry and Ginny's kids and Ron and Hermione's.
Another thing. The chapters are too small. They aren't chapters. They are the size of pages in a book.
One last criticism.
"Ben helped his cousin Rose on board the Hogwarts express and waved good by to Ron Weasley and Hermoine Weasley." Why is Ben waving goodbye to ROSE'S parents? And also, if you're going to even include that sentence, you need to back it up with details. Plus "Ron Weasley and Hermione Weasley" Shouldn't be there. It should be "Ron and Hermione Weasley." I hate to be harsh, but that's the way it is.
Keep writing, and do better next time. You will surely improve.
First off, I would like to say I do like fan-fiction. I do not read it much, and yet when I do, I always find it a really fun read. I want to point out a few things I think you need to polish up and improve on this piece.
- As a fan-based fiction, most readers may already know what a howler is, or ministry of magic is. I would suggest omitting the things your target audience would already be aware of. Otherwise, the story kind of loses it's "magic" right off the bat.
- There are several grammatical errors you should look into changing as well. For example, instead of "her husband-George Robins-was..." should have commas instead: "her husband, George Robins, was killed...". There are several instances where you place hyphens instead of commas.
- Make sure you separate your dialogue between characters.
"Never on my life!" said Ben with an angry tone.
"Wow, only a joke, Ben!" said Albus laughing.
- Make sure there is no "lagging." A term I just made up. Don't you hate it when DVDs suddenly freeze and then skip to a later part. You end up missing something. In the second paragraph I experienced this lag a little bit. Was the little boy crying when the ministry of magic found him all alone while is mother lay in the bathroom dead? I do not know. The next paragraph seems to have jumped and I found myself a little confused at first read.
- I would really like to help you more on this piece, but there is only so much one eye can find during a review. Show your family, friends, and teachers what you have written and get their thoughts. Hopefully, more will review for your benefit on YWC.
On a good note, I truly did enjoy what you had to write about. Minus a few grammatical errors and work hard to increase your writing craft (like we all have to do!) and this could turn into a very nice piece of work! I hope you stick around to write part two, because I will be waiting to read it! Keep writing, dreaming, and believing in yourself and you will go far!
Thank you!