The love pond is vast and wide and deep
The swirling waters of love swirl waterly
And scoop up my duck.
I am not ‘is friend
He is just my duck
And I throw a pebble of hate at him
And it splats and corrodes and ripples
Like a samberine
It is a bullet of hate
A bullet of hate in the pond of love
I am not a duck.
My duck is a duck and I am not.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I feel like you wrote the poem mainly out of spite for something that happened, but at the same time it confused me. The physical does not exactly match up with the overall theme of the poem so it is hard to understand. Also how you state that the duck is your duck, but you throw rocks at your duck is rather unnerving and confusing. This says more to me that even though you own something and love something, you may still hate it and hurt it on purpose but this is not a solid theme to the poem as not only does the stone miss, but you do not talk about what happens to the duck after the stone is thrown. Maybe I'm completely off base in saying this, but that is what I thought after reading the poem and looking at a few of the reviews. I feel like the poem is incomplete and needs some revision. And being used repeatedly in describing the pond such as in lines 1 and 7 does not really help the poem tie together, but rather makes you stop and wonder why it is so repetitive.
Hello there, Poet!
At first, I didn't get this poem because there were some words or lines that totally spoiled it.
A good line to start.This is an interesting piece and I must say I really liked this.
You don't need the apostrophe and delete "h".
This don't complement well with the poem. It doesn't have to be "splat" or "corrode", maybe choose words that are appropriate.
I kind of like this line.
Really liked this.
As with the last two lines... I don't know why you wrote "I am not a duck." Maybe, rephrase this or something. And the last line wasn't a good line to end. Those words are totally "anti-climax" and too awkward to read.
Anyways, just renovate or rephrase some lines that didn't go well with the poem.
This a unique poem by the way.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
Hey Poet!
So, the main problem I have with this poem is that it looks like you use words that just don't fit in what you're describing! Like corrode... chemically, what you're saying makes no sense. It might sound pretty, but poetry is more than just sounding pretty. Poetry readers are often smart folks who will look up every single nuance of your poem... and you definitely don't want to slip!
Also: "I am not ‘is friend"
This line makes no sense! Fix it!
Hi!
Okay, so, I think you need to listen to Navita. She's given you really good advice, but I just wanted to add something to that. Even if this meant to be nonsensical, you should at least have some sort of thread holding it together. Why ducks compared to love? Why not cats? Why does the narrator hate ducks? So, like I mentioned before, even if this is supposed to be silly, it should at least have some coherency to it so that the average reader is able to pick it up and understand.
Good luck revising, and PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor xo
Good title, but I had little idea what on earth was going on. The first few lines were not particularly grabbing -
'Love pond' sounds cute and lovey-dovey and small and sweet. It does not sound at all like it's going to be 'vast and wide and deep' - so this description sounds totally off. The 'swilring waters swirl waterly' tried too hard to sound cute - and using 'swirl' twice in the same line was annoying. The 'I am not his friend / He is just my duck' bit was where things got weird and interesting, but in a way, they were decidedly boring as well - 'he is JUST my duck' sort of belittles the significance of the duck.
'Pebble of hate' was just too obvious. It also detracted from the cuteness of before, in a stunted way. Instead of highlighting the contrast between the love pond and the bullet of hate, it sounded like it was there for the sake of itself. Using 'And' twice in a row to begin a line was aesthetically displeasing. The imagery and figurative language needs to be integrated a lot more - it's good to see you're using something to spice up the scene a bit, but for it to work, it needs to look like it belongs, not like it's been tacked on.
I wondered, from reading this, whether you had any clear idea of what you were actually writing about. What on earth does 'my duck is a duck and I am not' have anything to do with anything, other than confusing us? From the poem as a whole, what sense do you want us to get from reading it? What particular theme do you want to convey? What's the significance of the cute little image?
Have a think about this, and plan out the poem better. I hope that has helped!
I love ducks!
Now that my exclamation of love for the canard is over, I'll look at your poem.
Do they, now. Do they.
Who does?
I like this.
Like a what?
First two lines are awesome, then...not. "My duck is a duck" is pretty obvious, and doesn't advance the poem. "I am not a duck...I am not." I think that's worse. In fact, if you got rid of that line and kept the last, it would work. I think.