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Elsa&Jack Fanfiction Part 2

by TheSilentBagpipe


ELSA&JACK FANFICTION - PART 2

A knock on the great ice door of her castle, startled Elsa out of her singing. She stopped and listened thinking there was no way she could have just heard someone knocking on her door. Could she? Could someone have already found her? No, they couldn't have, she told herself, even if they did know where I was they would have never been able to climb the mountain that quickly. Thinking she was imagining things, Elsa continued to sing her song of freedom.

***

Jack knocked once more on the door then waited. He had considered blowing into her castle with force and striking her down right then and there, but had decided to wait. No need to rush the revenge that had been stewing in him for years, why not let it out in slow tiny pieces at a time, making Elsa suffer? He smiled at the thought as he waited. Still no one came to answer him, so Jack knocked again this time with force. No answer. Leaning against the door he pushed it open, the ice felt nice against his fingers, reliveing him of tension. Now more relaxed, Jack looked around him. The castle is impressive, he thought as he wandered through it looking at the different ice patterns. He wondered how long it had taken her to build the castle, each piece of it was different from the other, just like all snowflakes were different.

After he had finished his tour of part of the castle he decided to meet its creator, "Hello?" he called out loudly. His voice resounding on the wall.

***

Elsa quit singing once again and listened, she was sure she hadn't imagined that voice calling out a greeting, but who could have found her so easily? Pushing herself from her chair, she started for the stairs, her long dress flowing behind her. As she decended the stairs fear struck in her heart, who could it be?

A man stood by the doorway, his brown torn and tattered cloak he held tightly around him, and he held a walking stick in his free hand. He looked like the peasants that lived in Arendale, the kind of people her father had always taken a liking to. She could remember her father every Sunday morning, would wake herself and Anna and get them dressed in their play clothes. Then the three of them would tip toe out of the house, trying not to wake their sleeping mother, and would bring food and sometimes clothing to the poor people living in Arendale. A few he would even invite to the castle to sleep on cold wintery nights.

"Are you the creator of this magnificent castle of ice?" the man asked with obvious wonder in his voice.

Elsa's back straightened, they way this man spoke so familiar with her yet acted like a stranger confused her. If he was from Arendale or anywhere surrounding it, he would have immediatly recognized her as the Queen. If he was not from Arendale, where did he come from and why did he come?

Holding herself up high, Elsa stopped half way down the stair case, "Who are you and why have you come?" she asked avoiding his question by asking one of her own.

The man seemed intranced with the castle so Elsa repeated her question a little louder and more stern.

"I come from the Thorn, a village maybe a day from here," the man replied "I often wander into the mountains, thats where I find my peace of mind, but never have I come this far up. There was a storm though, a bad one and I needed to take refuge somewhere...thats when I saw your castle."

A feeling of sorrow for the poor man touched Elsa's heart but she quickly drowned it with anger at the normal people who had no idea of her pain, "Well I am very sorry to inform you, this castle isn't big enough for two. You may stay a couple minutes to dry yourself but after that you must leave. Storm or not." And with that Elsa started back up the stairs before she changed her mind.

"Wait!" called the man. Elsa stopped on the last stair before her room, but didn't turn as the man kept talking "You must know that will happen to me when I leave this castle and back into the storm outside!"

Elsa turned her head slowly to the side, "Yes...you will freeze. Just like I would die if I went back to living with you normal people..." she said angrily, clenching her fist she continued "You wouldn't spare me a second look as you killed me!" an ice crystal shot from her hand and hit the floor, splattering everywhere " I'd just be a monster in your eyes" she said quietly.

***

As Jack watched her go his mind wandered back to when he was young and angry at the world. He thought of the young boy who didn't understand why no one could see him. Angry with himself for feeling a tinge of remorse for the murderer, Jack didn't wait the few minutes he had been granted to stay. Instead he strode from the castle and slammed the door with force.

TOO BE CONTINUED.....

Authors Note - Okay so here it is...part two! I know that I should have had it written a long time ago but time just got to busy then I forgot about it. Thank you to the people who reminded me of this story and pushed me into writing it again LoL Sorry if it is a bit rusty, I wrote it at two seperate times :/ Hope you enjoyed, part three coming soon!


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Wed Jul 29, 2015 9:14 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hello! It's wisegirl22 here, for the review I promised!

One typo. "Intranced" is supposed to be "entranced".

"The man seemed intranced with the castle so Elsa repeated her question a little louder and more stern."

Also, there has to be a punctuation mark at the end of "replied". A period, perhaps? :D

""I come from the Thorn, a village maybe a day from here," the man replied"

There's supposed to be an apostrophe in "that's".

"I often wander into the mountains, thats where I find my peace of mind, but never have I come this far up."

Also, it's pretty clear that Jack Frost is lying. But I think it would make it a bit more interesting to have more in his point of view, going into his mind and reading his thoughts as he lies.

There's a few more typos and errors but I think with a quick look over it you can fix them. This was great! The action was good, and it kept me going. Elsa's character seems a little confusing. Last time I checked, she wasn't angry at any stranger who came by asking for refuge. Didn't she feel sympathy for "peasants"? Other than that, this story was very nice. I enjoyed reading it. Good work!

-wisegirl22






Thank you so much for another great review! Some of the confusing will be shown in later chapters =)



erilea says...


Okay. No problem!



erilea says...


Okay. No problem!



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Sun Jul 26, 2015 7:58 pm
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Chaser wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!

Okay, let's start with your first sentence.

A knock on the great ice door of her castle, startled Elsa out of her singing.

Now, I understand that, since this is the second half, a gripping force isn't quite as necessary, but I still want to be placed within the environment. What did the knock sound like? Did it echo, or dare I say, reverberate? In short stories, every word counts, so while you don't want to go overboard with description, it's a good idea to compress some vivid detail into the writing.

You seem to have an issue with commas. Aside from what has previously been covered, I'll point out the errors:
She stopped and listened thinking there was no way she could have just heard someone knocking on her door.

Put one after "listened."
Leaning against the door he pushed it open, the ice felt nice against his fingers, reliveing him of tension.

After "door." Also, you misspelled relieving.
After he had finished his tour of part of the castle he decided to meet its creator

After "castle."
"Who are you and why have you come?" she asked avoiding his question by asking one of her own.

After "asked."
A feeling of sorrow for the poor man touched Elsa's heart but she quickly drowned it with anger at the normal people who had no idea of her pain,

After "heart."
As Jack watched her go his mind wandered back to when he was young and angry at the world.

After "go."
Alternatively, these can be solved with conjunctions or periods.

Throughout the entire piece, the tone just wasn't there. What is the reader supposed to be feeling here? You can show that emotion in each word you write. Granted, this is one of the hardest aspects of writing.

Your characters seem fine, although I can't quite fathom Jack Frost's motive. Who exactly is he supposed to be angry at here? Jack was a fun-loving character, last I remembered, so what could possibly have triggered a shift this major. I didn't find it in the first part, either. I might have skipped it, though.

Overall, this piece could have improved its word choice. Find a better word for "force," for starters. As a general rule, try to draw your readers in with vivid words, but don't use too many. I'm not one to comment on the plot, but it seems interesting enough. Cheers.


-Chaser






Thank you so much for your review!! To answer your question you aren't supposed to know what Jack's motive is yet....truthfully I'm still trying to decide between my ideas LoL



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Sun Jul 26, 2015 10:27 am
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Dracula wrote a review...



Greetings, TheSilentBagpipe! Dracula is here to review on behalf of the Earth Kingdom. :) I'm going to be typing down my thoughts as I read.

A knock on the great ice door of her castle, startled Elsa out of her singing.
I almost didn't bother mentioning this, because I also love to excessively use commas. But in this sentence the break just isn't needed.

I like your use of italics for her thoughts. Some people create new paragraphs for thought, treating it as speech, but that isn't necessary and italics are a great way to go about it.

Still no one came to answer him, so Jack knocked again this time with force.
You know how I said to remove a comma? Well you can place it in this sentence. :) Between again and this.

Well I am very sorry to inform you, this castle isn't big enough for two.
But wasn't she just remembering how her father used to let people in? ;) But yes, I understand that she's trying to get rid of him.

"You must know that will happen to me when I leave this castle and back into the storm outside!"
I think you mean what will happen.

That's all I need to point out! Overall it was a great little fanfiction. I can't say I'm a fan of the two worlds, but I could happily read your story. I'd love it if you could let me know when part three is up! :D






Thank you so much for your review! I shall try to fix my mistakes =)




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