Procrastination

It's very straightforward, which is not at all unwelcome.

Take with salt; mind the edges.

Procrastination

is a condemnation

"a condemnation"? Among many? The particle here, "a," floats purposelessly around the meaty parts of this line. I suggest you omit. All it does is make the line more ambiguous.

sentenced tomorrow, it's always tomorrow

"sentenced" has no object. Which is, perhaps, fine; but nonetheless grammatically thoughtless.

This line is also quite long. Longer than the others. And it just... breaks flow.

Furthermore, and this is subjective: I want very much to read these two clauses quickly. Back-to-back, even. To that end, I'd use an em—dash: "tomorrow—it's always tomorrow".

that I'll be in sorrow

The word "that" doesn't add anything here. It doesn't help your timing, add a missing syllable - it's just a floater. Omit it. Activate your voice.

over the work I left today,

Not that I often advise for authors to consider what would happen if each line of a poem were read entirely out of context, but this line in particular bothers me. See, the verb you use - "left' - doesn't convey the full meaning of what you're trying to say. If I didn't have the context of the poem - it being called Procrastination, and its theme until this point focused on delaying one's duties 'til tomorrow - I would wonder not what work you had skipped out on, but rather where you left it.

It's a matter of diction, and it's up to you whether it actually matters, for that matter. But it couldn't hurt to bring it up.

hoping it would go away.

My teacher says I'm not tired

i'm just convinced i got it wired,

because I apparently think I'm so tough,

Here, I sense a misstep in your timing. I want there to be another syllable in this last line. Consider inserting "that": "because I apparently think that I'm so tough".

Also, I think the purpose you are trying to convey is clearer if you swap "apparently" and "I":

"because apparently I think that I'm so tough."

one night is more than enough,

Again, I don't often advise authors to take lines or sets of lines out of context, but here again the lack of self-contained meaning bothers me. Enough for what? I must assume, in order to keep reading, that you mean "enough time (to do what needs done)," but you never actually give that information.

It's not that the sentence is missing a subject - "One night is more than enough." is a perfectly acceptable sentence - but nonetheless, I find myself asking (and not in the good, mysterious way) "enough of what?"

as if we all intend

to leave it to the end.

How do these lines follow?

"it" does not have an antecedent. Grammatical hodgepodge witchcraft whatnot.

If this is simply an arrogant fit,

then why do we all do it?

"fit" and "it" is a rather boring rhyme, since one word's characters form a superset of the other's.

Don't say we think we're smart,

like discipline is not an art.

Non sequitur. What do you mean?

In my most feeble attempt to make some sense of this, I come out with: "Don't spite us for intelligence, like we don't understand hard work."

It required a lot of mental mangling to get ahold of some meaning there. Consider rephrasing. For the most part, your poem reads quite fluidly. These lines are the exception. (And not the exception that proves the rule - there's not an ounce of [noticeable] wit or purpose to their being indecipherable like this.)

Please don't claim

we're all the same

when many have said

they can't get out of bed,

Hmmm? Are you differentiating yourself from people who don't even get up in the morning?

I understand what you're trying to say; but why here? Why now? How does this serve the poem as a whole, when it is just tacked on here like this? No transitions in, no transitions out... It's like a floating preposition, but it's a whole point in your... er, "argument." Your poem.

because as the state tries to make us treasures,

they're losing us to too much pressure;

Mmh, this is where I have to have read your description text. If I hadn't, I'm not sure I'd understand that "the state" here pertains to the school system.

Also, "treasures?" That's not very descriptive. And it's not entirely accurate. They don't care how "treasure-like" you are once you've finished school. They usually claim they want to produce "value and hard-work and ambition;" that they want to "equip our youth with the tools for success." Then they slap a couple buzzy-sounding acronyms onto a poster, like "ABC, STEM Education is right for me!" And lo! The whole curriculum has been "re-vamped" and they've hired a teacher to instruct you how to change Microsoft Word's formatting settings.

No; they want to "make us" into lots of things, but "treasures?" I don't see it.

Memorize this fact,

fall in this trap

of taking useless tests,

becoming a mess,

and falling into procrastination.

Not quite the strongest closing. It, like a few of the segments before it, doesn't really flow together well. And I don't mean stylistic, poetic flow - logical flow. You say "memorize this fact," but then do not present a fact. That's really most confusing.

Actually, if you merely omitted "Memorize this fact," then capitalized the "f" in "fall," the ending lines would make perfect sense and stand alone just fine. So consider doing that; or otherwise present some sort of actual fact to exhort your readers to remember.

∑ ({thoughtsonW : W = this poem}):

It's certainly not bad.



Not bad at all.

As they say, "keep on writing! [smiley face]"

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir