(ARRRGH sorry for formatting issues)
She keeps her heart
On her belt buckle,
Held by a single white stringStained redBy the blood from every wound,
Every scab from the serraded words
Or arcanine cold shoulders,
Both which could kill a werewolf
Faster than a silver bullet.
It’s safer,
She believes,
Outside her body,
Where she can’t feel it
Crumble like sand
That slips through
Broken, unprotected
Gaps of her fingers.
She carries her heart
On her belt buckle,
Held by a bloodstained string
Until one day,
Hawk-eyed crusaders
March through her life
And say,
“your heart does not belong
On a bloodstained string
Like a puppet
On an imaginary stage.
Your heart belongs to you,
Locked in your chest,
With a platinum key.”
So they take her heart
Off the bloodstained string,
Return it to her dusty chest
And build a sheild around it,
A sheild of trust
With a patent of compassion.
The hawk-eyed crusaders leave,
Leaving a platinum key,
As the compressed pain
Explods with heavy sighs
And orange peal tears.
Suddenly, she is free
Because the chest can bare more weight
Than a bloodstained string.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,677 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Oh...
This was cool!
I like it and I think it's really good. Remember them spaces!
This was interesting. A heart on a blood stained string.
I would maybe add why they helped her put her heart back, why did the crusaders feel the need to help her? Maybe add a stanza of that (formatting issues suck don't they? XD)
Mmkay..
Overall this was a lovely piece of work. And I hope to read more like this!
Thanks,
ShadowWings, aka pegasusgirl2
Thanks!
I hope you don't mind if I review your poem.
This poem was really good, and I loved the imagery of the heart! However, I found just a few errors:
"serraded words": I think you meant serrated?
You also misspelled "shield" and "explodes."
One more: "the chest can bare more weight": I'm not positive on this, but I think that "bear" is the correct form you'd want to use here. "Bare" means naked or uncovered, while "bear" means to carry.
Other than these few issues, your poem was really fantastic! I enjoyed it thoroughly, and I hope to read more from you!
Thanks for the review! :3
Hey HT here to review.
I liked this. You used words and rhythm very well, and overall it looks good.
Just a few things that I would like to point out:
1)Held by a single white stringStained redBy the blood from every wound,
I think that you were attempting to do more than one line here, and do to formatting issues they got stuck together.
2)“your heart does not belong
Everywhere else you begin the lines with a capitol letter, and here you break that pattern. This might be intentional, and if it is I apologize, but I think that you should stay with the pattern and capitalize the 'y'.
3) towards the end you misspelled the word 'shield' (I before E except after C......You get it)
I thought that the little quip about werewolves was interesting and added a little humor to the poem. You wrote this beautifully, and with very little mistakes. Good Job!
Happy Writing!
HT
Thank you for the review, I really appreciate it! And yeah, lots of formatting issues because I copied and pasted.