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The Shores of Paradise - first 12 pages (FILM)

by TheRobster1991


FADE IN:

INT – Market – evening

A very busy fish market, there are many stalls set up with people running them

Each of the stalls have names on the names as follows: Adultery, Fornication, Uncleanness, Debauchery, Idolatry, Witchcraft, Hatred, Discord, Rage, Selfish Ambition, Dissensions, Factions, Envy, Drunkardness and Orgies

They are right on a harbour, with the sea in view and a ship in the far distance approaches

Many walk through the market, looking at all that’s for sale and what is on display

SUPERIMPOSE:

Fleshly Harbour”

Adultery Merchant

Sick of your wife? Come here and let me set you up with some totty. A one night stand with a stranger in a club or a full-blown affair with that woman from the office.

Fornication Merchant

Come here and receive pleasure. After all, all of your friends are doing it.

A man with a small book in his hand walks down the marketplace, as he does the merchants all call out to him. This is DILIGENT

Selfish Ambition Merchant

Come on, I can make you respected member of society.

Diligent turns about at the different stalls

Idolatry Merchant

Choose which god you will serve. Choose one that suits your interests. No accountability, no judgement on sin or on your pleasures, just blessings(!)

Diligent goes past the market and stands at the edge of the harbour, the stall closest to him is Drunkardness Merchant by his stall and he is dead drunk. He points to Diligent and laughs

Druckardness Merchant

Come; let me set you up with a drink good sir.

Diligent smiles and shakes his head

Diligent

I’m waiting.

Drunkardness Merchant shakes his head

Drunkardness Merchant

What for?

Diligent

I don’t know, I was given this book by a man who told me that what I am seeking for is found at this harbour.

Drunkardness Merchant burps and laughs

Drunkardness Merchant

And right he was(!) What shall I set you up with?

The ship approaches is much closer, the name Mercy is on its side

Diligent

No, I was told to wait for a ship.

Drunkardness Merchant cries out, the people around look at the ship with Drunkardness Merchant with contempt

Druckardness

Not those.

Diligent turns to see the ship, it approaches the harbour, angels appear and help dock it and disappear afterwards

A small crowd gathers, a man approaches the crowd from the ship, this is PASTOR and he is dressed as a first mate

Pastor

Come everyman to Mercy, God’s ship always has room for more. For He says I have heard you in a time accepted and in the day of salvation I helped you.

Diligent smiles at Pastor

Pastor (cont’d)

I tell you, now is the time accepted, behold now is the day of salvation.

The crowd laughs scornfully

Crowd member

You go back to your God and say to Him: ‘Leave us alone(!) Who is the Almighty that we should serve Him? What would we gain by praying to Him?’

The crowds cheers and departs. Drunkardness Merchant communes with a crowd member. Diligent goes up to Pastor

Diligent

Sir, I am here. Your book about the new country has intrigued me and I wish to go.

Pastor

Welcome aboard son. We have many ports to travel to. I admit we are running to a tight schedule. But come on, we’ll discuss more on board.

The both enter the ship together. The platform is raised for them

CUT TO:

INT – CAPTAIN’S CABIN – NIGHT

A small cabin, various trophies of many kinds, many certificates hang on the wall, in the centre is a chair which sits a rough looking man with an eye patch. The man is SIN

Sin is studying a book

There is a knock at the door, Sin looks up

Sin

Come in.

Sin continues to study, a man dressed as a first mate enters, this is ENTICEMENT

Sin smiles

Sin

Every book has its place.

He frowns

Sin (Cont’d)

Except of course one book, which is to be utterly abhorred.

Enticement

Sir, we’ve just this moment had word from the Commodore.

Sin chuckles

Sin

So what does old Blindness want?

Enticement frowns

Enticement

One of your subjects has been picked up by Mercy.

Sin turns to him angrily

Sin

What?

CUT TO:

INT – ship – sleeping quarters – night

It’s dark with a small lamp that burns, there is a table which has a mini library above it to be a study, it has a chair next to it with a hammock at the corner

Pastor enters with Diligent who that book in his hand

Pastor

Welcome to your sleeping quarters.

Diligent smiles and looks around at everything

Diligent

Thank you good sir. But when will I meet the Captain?

Pastor smiles

Pastor

As you came on board you said you were intrigued to travel to the Heavenly country?

Diligent smiles and nods, Pastor smiles as well

Pastor (cont’d)

Son, you must rest for tomorrow we will take you through the initiation and you will officially join our crew.

Diligent raises the book that is in his hand

Diligent

But what about this book?

Pastor smiles

Pastor

See the table? That’s for you to study. That book is the Captain’s instruction manual and is utterly infallible. That is undebatable. Know this book both in word and action and you will be a very rich man.

Diligent looks at the book

Diligent

It contains a treasure map?

Pastor laughs and nods

Pastor

This book teaches how one must find true treasure. For it is written, ‘Do not lay up for yourselves treasures upon the earth, where moth and rust corrupts and where thieves break in and steal. But rather lay up for yourselves treasure in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust corrupts and thieves do not break in and steal.’

Pastor puts a hand on Diligent

Pastor (Cont’d)

For where your treasure is there will be your heart also.

Diligent looks at Pastor with uncertainty

Beat

Pastor (cont’d)

Get some rest, we'll discuss more in the morning.

Diligent nods, places the book on the table and climbs into the hammock, Pastor leaves

CUT TO:

EXT – harbour – morning

Seagulls sound, there is a ship that is tied to the harbour, the ship has a name inscribed – ‘Iniquity’, people are at work on it

Sin walks up to it, he holds something in his hands that he eats, he looks disdainfully at the people on the ship at work

Sin

What are you doing you scurvy dogs? Let her loose(!) We’ve got some fish to fry.

The people on ‘Iniquity’ turn to Sin, Enticement appears

Enticement

You all heard the Captain, now move it.

Sin and Enticement go on board, the people on board scatter and disappear, someone loosens it and it departs from the harbour

CUT TO:

INT – Ship – simultaneous

On the hem is a rudder, each wooden stub is worn out and broken, there is a man who stands there and holds it, this is COVERTNESS

Sin walks up to him

Sin

We’re after a small vessel, on account of kidnap.

Covertness

Aye, aye cap’n. Be it Mercy?

Sin frowns with disgust

Sin

Aye, tis the cursed Mercy. Has one of me crew and I wish to take him back. I’m not willing that he should leave my power. I’ll fight tooth and nail to get him back. No man leaves my service.

Covertness nods

Covertness

Where to cap’n.

Sin smiles

Sin

I think I know where they shall be stopping first.

Covertness

Really? Where be that cap’n?

CUT TO:

INT – TOWN – MORNING

There are many people, each person walk but they are all very wary of each other and watch each other suspiciously

SUPERIMPOSE:

Town of Deceit”

Two men in powdered wigs walk together, they look very similar to each other, these are SECULARISM and HUMANISM

Secularism

See what a great name I have made for myself.

Humanism smiles and nods

Humanism

Of course my elder, but you wouldn’t have got where you have without the loot and spoils of the pirate captain Sin whose ship is Iniquity.

Secularism nods and turns to Humanism

Secularism

It is true Humanism I admit it. I wouldn’t be anything without Sin. He has got me where I am today.

They both walk past a small and beautiful shop with a sign on it which says: “Love – one of the nine holy fruits is sold here.” Secularism looks at it disgusted, Humanism turns to it and frowns

Secularism (cont’d)

I’m so tired of the bigotry of the Church. These shops they have set up everywhere to make the rest of us feel bad about ourselves. Don’t they know there is no God?

Humanism shrugs his shoulders

Humanism

There is a god, the person within.

Secularism nods

Secularism

I’ve tried so very hard to remove from society all traces of the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, a task quite noble. These people are a thorn in my side.

Humanism nods

CUT TO:

INT – SHIP – SLEEPING QUATERS – MORNING

Diligent is sitting by his desk; he is reading the book and sobs quietly to himself

There is a knock at the door, Diligent looks up

Diligent

Come in.

Pastor looks at him at the desk in surprise

Pastor

I didn’t expect to see you awake.

Diligent nods and sighs

Diligent

No. I didn’t, I couldn’t sleep. I’ve had nightmares.

Pastor frowns

Pastor

Nightmares?

Diligent gets up from his desk and goes over to Pastor

Diligent

I know that if I died I would surely come to judgement. Try as I might I am still under the dominion of Sin.

He cries out in despair

Diligent (cont’d)

Oh how to rid my soul of my evil(!) I’ve not had a good night’s sleep in years and it is because of this.

He gets out a binding contract with the letter head ‘SIN’

Diligent (cont’d)

Not only that but I know that I am bound to this contract until my death and afterward will have my part in hell for being in the service of Sin.

Pastor smiles

Pastor

The Captain, go to the Captain. There is one God and mediator between God and man, the Man Christ Jesus Who gave Himself a ransom for all. He is the Captain of this vessel.

Diligent looks at him

Pastor (cont’d)

He sits forever upon his mercy seat nullifying the contract of Sin to all who come to Him.

Diligent looks at him with confusion

Diligent

How can a man give me right standing with God?

Pastor smiles and laughs

Pastor

That Man is the Mighty God. He is the Son, one with the Father and one with the Holy Spirit. These three are One.

Diligent goes to the door, he goes to open it but turns to Pastor meekly

Diligent

Will He have me?

Pastor

Go and see for yourself.

Diligent nods and leaves the room

CUT TO:


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Points: 292
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Thu May 12, 2016 12:30 pm
MicrohieraxFT wrote a review...



I know this is old, but I couldn't help myself. Anyhow, I love the message written here. It's very clear I must say . I'm surprised that no one came here and took offense. I guess the site has rules regarding that, since it has young members in it. :D I only give small contributions, so don't expect anything big. Here we go.

Druckardness
I think you had a typo over there. :) It's "Drunkardness" right?

Thank you good sir. But when will I meet the Captain?
sentences don't start with 'but' because it's a conjuction. I've read that you should use either a semicolon or a comma (couldn't really recall). Anyway, bravo! You earned my like. ;)




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 5:48 am
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artemis15sc wrote a review...



Hi. I'm going to start by saying I love the setting you've given this age-old story. It's seems almost Pirates of the carribean-esq, only darker, which I love. it gives the story a sort of freshness. And I love all the symbolism.

I'm not super familiar with screenplay format but I believe it's similar to stageplay format? In stage plays, the speaking character's name is center and in All caps, with the dialogue directly underneath it, and stage direction are either in italics or parentheses, but also centered. Maybe this is different for screenplays, or YWS isn't script friendly, I'm not sure. Just letting you know this current format was a little confusing sometimes.

Also, I though the merchants we're creative, but they're were a couple who I think could have better, shall we call them, Sales Pitches.

Come here and receive pleasure. After all, all of your friends are doing it.
All your friends are doing seems a little chiched, and considering the world and story created, I have a feeling you can come up with something better.

Come on, I can make you respected member of society.
Again, I feel like this is a little weak and cliched, maybe something along the lines of "give you all your desires" or "make your fantasies realities"(feel free to come up with something better)

I love the references, especially this,
For where your treasure is there will be your heart also.
This is one of my favorite literary statements.

Of course my elder, but you wouldn’t have got where you have without the loot and spoils of the pirate captain Sin whose ship is Iniquity.
I personally would cut "whose ship is iniquity. We already know this and it seems to bog the sentence down.


Have you ever read save the cat by Blake Synder. I would highly recommend it. He has several beats, that every screenplay should have. It's based on a 115 page format, which you can adjust. The first one is the opening image. I love opening in the fish market of sin, as I'll call it. Your opening image should be the antithesis of your closing image, and the antithesis of this scene would be super interesting.

His second beat is the set-up, which comprises pages 1-10, In this you create your thesis world, protagonist, and antagonist. You do a great job of creating your thesis would in your opening scene, and establishing Diligent as your protagonist and Sin as your antagonist. The only scene I felt was out of place was the Secularism Humanism scene. It's an important idea, but it might fit better later in the story, just an idea. The third beat is the catalyst, which some people know as the inciting incident, that happens on page 12. It's the event that sparks a chain of events that will eventually lead to your character obtaining happiness, even if they can't see how yet. For me, yours was when the pastor tells Diligent about The Captain(Christ) figure, which was beautiful. I'm excited to see where you take this story, please post more when you can.



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My reply to you was too long. I will post on your profile instead :)



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 5:09 am
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chancesnchanges wrote a review...



Hi! there TheRobster1991 :)

This was straightforward and creatively done. Your use of the adjectives and nouns as the characters were very much effective in delivering the message you want to pass to your readers. I regard the bravery of Diligence in turning down the temptations coming in contact with him/her. An act which we must all apply. Content wise, I have nothing to change. I like the story :) In the technical part, I had a tiny problem while reading it. I suggest that you put a colon after the name of the character or bold (Diligent:) or italicize (Diligent:) it. Also, why is the exclamation point enclosed in a parenthesis? Lastly, don't forget to place punctuation marks. Those are my insights but don't mind them if you don't find it useful. Nevertheless, this makes us reflect of how are we living our life. Once again, this was creatively done.

Keep going :)

> Cha



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Thank you very much. I will upload more of this one when I can.
Also, why is the exclamation point enclosed in a parenthesis?

I may be wrong but I think how they do that in the industry standard screenplays.

I can change the characters names to colours to make it easier to read. I can't put it on this site as it is in Word. YWS won't let me do the proper standard set out for screenplays





Oh, I see. My apologies o'-'o


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No worries :)




Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind