It is our greatest friend, but also are greatest foe.
It aids us. It cares for us. It understands us.
Since our existence it has been there for us.
It has guided us to the path of happiness.
And can lead us to do great things.
But it is capable of ruining us.
It is also the birthplace of fear and evil.
The“stomping ground” of darkness and sadness.
It has driven men mad and caused unbearable suffering.
Like a virus its messages spread quickly and poison our very selves.
It turns the most affable of men intomaleficent devils or sorrowful ghost.
Or both.
We think it controls what we say, what we do, and even who we are.
Lies.
We are stronger.
We control it.
Even though most are unaware they can.
It is only receiver, not the sender.
It has no power unless we say so.
For we, ourselves; our spirits, are the true deciders.
Not our minds.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey!
haha
Ofcourse theres a few grammatical errors but you said this was your first piece so who cares!
I really love how at the "Lies" line the whole poem had been gaining increasing serious momentum with every line that my heart couldn't help but beat faster with each one.
And once you reached that "Lies" line it just shut up.
And I could feel myself after that just sort of 'rise up' from all the depressing downhill words beforehand, with each line, yet again, my heart began to take speed
i can honestly say that once I reached the last line, it gave me hope. (seriously, weird, but true haha)
I loved this piece, I'd also like to see more of your work with this sort of structured emotion to it, it made me feel a way that I didn't think I would at the beginning
it surprised me
Thank you for taking time to read my work. I have noticed on your wall (do not think I was stalking you, I was simply seeing if you posted any writing) that you have done many reviews, but have not posted anything writing of your own. I would like to read a piece from you. I can tell you have some genius inside of you, and you could probably write something beautiful. If you do post something, I will review it as soon as I can. This will be my favor in return for your review. Please take this into consideration, but do not force yourself if you do not want to. I thank you one last time for reviewing my piece.
you are very welcome! Since I last reviewed this I actually posted two of my writings, i hope you enjoy them as I have yours
Hello! Welcome to YWS!(: It's a late welcome, but a welcome all the same! I'm SecreteJournalist but do feel free to call me Brie. It's a pleasure to meet you ^.^ I do think I am going to get onto the review no and stop with my rambling... I'm going to make a list of likes/great parts of the poems, and dislikes/suggestions on what I may feel needs changed, I do hope you don't mind if it's done this way!
Likes/Praises;
1.) I love how you save mentioning the actual word 'minds' until the very end, but yet the reader still gets a clear image and idea of what the poem is about. Very nice, some people can't pull it off but you did it flawlessly.
2.) The beginning draws in the readers attention, as well as the title. It carries out as an amazing poem to the very last line, which happens to be one of my favorite lines!
3.) The description of the poem seems to be spot on. It leaves a clear picture in our minds, yet leaves a little bit of room for the reader to imagine it to their likings. I'm not sure if this was your intention, but it was good none the less.
4.) "It understands us." Is one of my favorite lines of the whole poem. One of my many favorites! The reason I like that line is the irony. There's a lot of irony in this poem, it's rather nice to read.
5.) I like how to poem proves to the reader that we, the people, are in control of our minds. It's a nice and refreshing thing to read in a poem, nice work.
And now, on to my suggestions, mainly technical ones I spotted that may need to be fixed;
1.) A few technical flaws I spotted, easy things to fix, are;
a.) 'The“stomping ground” of darkness and sadness.'
1.) You could space this out so 'The' is not so close to "stomping ground" . An easy fix!
b.) 'It turns the most affable of men intomaleficent devils or sorrowful ghost.'
1.) Do remember to space out 'intomaleficent' into two words, "into maleficent", which I do think might of been a minor typo.
2.) Shouldn't 'ghost' be plural?
c.) 'Like a virus its messages spread quickly and poison our very selves.'
1.) A really easy fix, just remember to edit its into 'it's' and put a comma after virus.
2.) A lot of great writers always seem to have this one habit, where they repeat one word many time throughout the poem. I seem to be overwhelmed by reading 'It' so many times. Maybe try some replacement words for some of the 'It's'.
3.) I notice every line ends with an period, when some sentences could be spread out into more than one line. I do think it's just an opinion, you don't need to change it.. just a suggestion!
Overall, great work.. I'd love to read more from you(:
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
OK, so I really liked this! The point that our brains are our greatest gift, but can also be the death of us is a great observation.
Now, this is a poem, and It should be a poem, but it just doesn't seem to flow very well. But I don't think you could really change any of the wording, because it would give the same idea.
My suggestion is switch out a LOT of those periods for commas. The period makes our brains pause and so it sounds choppy when reading it.
The first line is OK with a period. The second line has three period which should all be switched to commas except the last one.
3 comma, 4 comma, 5 comma, 6 period.
7 comma, 8 comma, 9 period.
10 comma, 11 comma, 12 period.
13 comma, 14 period.
15 period.
16 comma, 17 period.
18 comma, 19 period.
20 comma, 21 period.
I write poetry, but I am not an expert on format and the types of poetry so if this was a certain type and format let me know!
Now on to the typos and wording!
Line two "It aids us. It cares for us. It understands us."
The us is a bit too repetitive. Try: "It aids, it cares, it understands us."
Line eleven "It turns the most affable of men intomaleficent devils or sorrowful ghost."
That jumble should be "into maleficent" and ghost should be ghosts.
Line fourteen. "Lies." This could be an exclamation to give it more feeling "Lies!"
Line eighteen. "It is only receiver, not the sender."
Should be "It is only the receiver, not the sender."
Bravo! Very good idea and with a format refreshing it will look splendid!
Thank you for the corrections. I needed them. Also, I saw in your post that you were not sure that my writing was a poem, and you wanted me to let you know if this was a style of poetry. I will tell this is no certain format of poetry. You may say I have started a new way of writing poetry, but to me that is not the case. I believe that there is no true format of poetry. You may simply write it anyway your heart desires, but you must then edit with your mind to make sure all is correct. You may disagree with me, and I do not mind if you do, but this is my belief. Thank you once more for using some of your time to look at my piece.
Oh no I agree with you quite a lot. When I write poetry I just go by look and flow.
I love this poem.
it explains every emotion the human mind thinks.
every action the mind makes.
your philosphy is that you think that we make the desicions not our brain. That's your philosphy of life that you've written in the form of a poem. I think that it is very beautiful. i will look out for more of your poems.
-InuRa, till the next review.