Young Writers Society

Salutations, curious mind!

Hey there! Thank you so much for requesting a review. I'll try to stick to at least one review per week. Feel free to tag me when you publish the next chapters!

I've skimmed the other reviews for this chapter to make sure I don't just repeat everything someone has said. Briefly, it's an interesting choice to choose a non-main character to start the novel with -- especially someone with a very unique personality and perspective -- but then again, this whole concept gives me anime/manga/visual novel vibes!

There is a lot of character showing for Zero here, which I can appreciate since we get a lot of insight into how he behaves/speaks/acts in the context of the chapter as well as what kind of role he might have in the story. I also find it interesting that Zero's spoken words are not in quotations marks -- it still really does read like a Light Novel with the kind of world-breaking going on, but the vibes are cool.

There's some interesting world-building going on here, with the causal references to large amounts of people dying, which is really sad but Zero takes it so lightly that it's quite surprising but keeps the reader engaged. I am most curious I think about what exactly is the world being discussed. We aren't given much description about anything related to the characters, such as appearances/characteristics, nor are we given many details about whether this is an "Earth" representative or "a vessel" and related ideas.

You've got my interest with this first chapter! I hope to learn some more of what is going on in future entries. Hope this helped some. Onto the next chapter!

-- keystrings

Hello there! This is Orabella, (with the assistance of my bunnies) here to review!

Ooh, a science-fiction novel! You'll have to forgive me, I don't often read sci-fi, so the amount of advice I have may be limited. But so far this is so interesting! I love the sassiness of Agent Zero; you definitely know about his character and the way he behaves.

I do feel like this should have a bit of a rating bump. The addition of the swearing and overall violence present makes it seem like it should be a 12+, maybe 16+?

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the world is boring.

I was having some chips with some salad, lying down on my couch and watching some stupid 20th-century silent film. It’s kinda funny though - that tiny moustache guy is really skilled. It’s also cool to not have any mosquitoes murmuring merrily around my mango juice mixed with melon sauce. I should have wiped them out way before yesterday - kinda dumb of me, to be honest.

There we go again - it’s time for some stupid somatotropic-hormone-drinking sperm monster to shatter my dream of a peaceful morning. It’s wrecking some satellite planets orbiting around the neighbouring star system - some billion guys might be dead by now ‘coz I forgot, but meh.

What’s good enough to be my vessel? Yeah, this chip will be fine. Woop! There goes the chip ten light years away! I kinda love dark fluid. Now, where’s the alien monster? Oh, he’s brushing his teeth with a continental plate. Well, whatever, woop! There turns the monster into my lifetime supply of cotton candy. Magnifico!

Ah, crap! Why’s Eight knocking on my door this early in the morning?

Come in! Quid est, Octo?

“I hate you, Agent Zero.”

Eh, I know, I know. What is it now? Quid est?

“You knew that Spermati-Somati Saura was gonna attack now, didn’t you?”

Uh, you mean that monster? Yeah, I did. So?

“So, why didn’t you save that colony?”

Eh, I forgot.

“- _ -”

What’s that look for? At least I saved the four neighbouring colonies!

“Three billion humans and twenty billion bots died!”

Thirty billion humans and two hundred billion bots lived!

“Facepalm”

C’mon! No one would have lived if it weren’t for me. It’s better than having everyone killed, right?

“You know this is the very reason the other nine Agents hate you.”

Nine likes me though.

“Except that newbie, the rest of us all hate you!”

So what? I don’t care. You got anything else to say?

“Even if I did, it wouldn’t matter to you. Why are you like this!”

I don’t care about anything, nothing matters - honestly. Anything else?

“Oh yeah, Agent Nine’s coming. He told me that he wants to train with you.”

Why now, so early in the morning?

“It’s literally 12 o’clock.”

Eh, I don’t care. Let him come, I like that kid. Now, you can get the hell outta here!

“Yeah, yeah.”

Eight left. Scruffy teen, that one, phew!

You know, God, if you are indeed listening to me - sometimes, I really want to erase everything. Nothing really matters to me since Leo died. Only if Melzi lived, I would have at least had a friend. But you had to take him away like Leo, didn't you? And yeah, although I married her just to get some money, Bianca was not bad - she was pretty. It’s really boring to be immortal,

Now, what did Eight say? Oh yes, Nine’s coming, yay! I like that kid. He reminds me of when I first joined Leo’s workshop. I used to look like him. Leonardo was an awesome teacher to me - I hope I prove to be the same to him! Ah, my Leo... Leonardo da Vinci… Your Salai really misses you…

Crash!

"Oh sorry, Sensei! I didn't want to break the door like that!"

Nineeeeeeeee!!! It's alright, dude, that's today's lesson for you!

"Sorry, I didn't get you, Sensei. What do you mean?"

Today, you are going to reverse entropy and fix this door!

Hey there! Forever here with a quick review!!

To start with, that was a really good beginning. "The world is boring" was definitely a fun addition after those typical lines That managed to grab my attention, so yeah, that was definitely a good one.

Talking about the chapter, as a first chapter that does manage to introduce us to a lot of characters and gives a good introduction of Zero's character sketch. The frequent change in tone, pace and style gave more depth to the character. Zero just seems to like doing zero work
Maybe it's only me but "facepalm" just looks better as facepalm(without the quotes).

I kind of find reading stories written in present tense to be confusing but this one did not pose that problem. There were a lot of cool descriptions throughout this whole chapter that did help a lot with the worldbuilding along with the exchange of dialogues.

All in all, that was a really good chapter. Sad that three million humans died though!

Keep Writing!
~Forever

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is quite the first chapter here. Definitely a lot of very interesting things going down here. OUr main character is certainly quite the figure as well with some questionable morals to boot and an interesting back that up.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the world is boring.

I was having some chips with some salad, lying down on my couch and watching some stupid 20th-century silent film. It’s kinda funny though - that tiny moustache guy is really skilled. It’s also cool to not have any mosquitoes murmuring merrily around my mango juice mixed with melon sauce. I should have wiped them out way before yesterday - kinda dumb of me, to be honest.

There we go again - it’s time for some stupid somatotropic-hormone-drinking sperm monster to shatter my dream of a peaceful morning. It’s wrecking some satellite planets orbiting around the neighbouring star system - some billion guys might be dead by now ‘coz I forgot, but meh.

What’s good enough to be my vessel? Yeah, this chip will be fine. Woop! There goes the chip ten light years away! I kinda love dark fluid. Now, where’s the alien monster? Oh, he’s brushing his teeth with a continental plate. Well, whatever, woop! There turns the monster into my lifetime supply of cotton candy. Magnifico!

Ah, crap! Why’s Eight knocking on my door this early in the morning?

Come in! Quid est, Octo?

“I hate you, Agent Zero.”

Eh, I know, I know. What is it now? Quid est?

“You knew that Spermati-Somati Saura was gonna attack now, didn’t you?”

Uh, you mean that monster? Yeah, I did. So?

“So, why didn’t you save that colony?”

Eh, I forgot.

“- _ -”

What’s that look for? At least I saved the four neighbouring colonies!

“Three billion humans and twenty billion bots died!”

Thirty billion humans and two hundred billion bots lived!

“Facepalm”

C’mon! No one would have lived if it weren’t for me. It’s better than having everyone killed, right?

“You know this is the very reason the other nine Agents hate you.”

Nine likes me though.

“Except that newbie, the rest of us all hate you!”

So what? I don’t care. You got anything else to say?

“Even if I did, it wouldn’t matter to you. Why are you like this!”

I don’t care about anything, nothing matters - honestly. Anything else?

“Oh yeah, Agent Nine’s coming. He told me that he wants to train with you.”

Why now, so early in the morning?

“It’s literally 12 o’clock.”

Eh, I don’t care. Let him come, I like that kid. Now, you can get the hell outta here!

“Yeah, yeah.”

Eight left. Scruffy teen, that one, phew!

You know, God, if you are indeed listening to me - sometimes, I really want to erase everything. Nothing really matters to me since Leo died. Only if Melzi lived, I would have at least had a friend. But you had to take him away like Leo, didn't you? And yeah, although I married her just to get some money, Bianca was not bad - she was pretty. It’s really boring to be immortal, damn it, I hate you, God!

Now, what did Eight say? Oh yes, Nine’s coming, yay! I like that kid. He reminds me of when I first joined Leo’s workshop. I used to look like him. Leonardo was an awesome teacher to me - I hope I prove to be the same to him! Ah, my Leo... Leonardo da Vinci… Your Salai really misses you…

Crash!

"Oh sorry, Sensei! I didn't want to break the door like that!"

Nineeeeeeeee!!! It's alright, dude, that's today's lesson for you!

"Sorry, I didn't get you, Sensei. What do you mean?"

Today, you are going to reverse entropy and fix this door!

"OH NO SHI-!"

Aloha!

Beyond my beloved rose garden, I spy with my little eye…

Something quite awesome; a chapter of the story titled “It's a Boring World”

Alrighty, no more delays! Let’s put these review skillz into action, shall we?



I. First Things First
Let’s kick off by showering a burst of confetti on those standout parts. Very first of all, I must that I quite enjoyed reading this chapter of yours. The chapter was full of humour, something which I particularly liked. Not to mention, the elements of immortality, the alien attack and the famous friend of the protagonist really brought something interesting to the story.

II. The Door To Improvement
While your story is a fascinating mix of humour, sci-fi elements and a glimpse into the unusual emotions of the protagonist, there are a few aspects on which I'd like offer some suggestions.

Sci-fi isn't always my favourite genre, but your story has something intriguing in it. However, the story introduces some terms such as "Spermati-Somati Saura" and the names of several agents associated with numbers without providing much explanation about it. Perhaps you could consider adding more details about the world that they are living in, the aliens who invaded the planet and the appearances of your character.

In a story such as yours description could do wonders. I have the feeling that the descriptions of their surroundings would definitely add to the layer of intrigue. A teeny tiny idea in that case, perhaps the protagonist could have a balcony that provides a perfect view of their world. And if their world is different than it is now, giving the fact that they are immortal, it could offer a view of destruction (which the aliens could've caused) far away on the horizon, maybe a few planets could also be a in clear sight. You can also grab the chance there to describe the surroundings, the setting.

Furthermore, we get introduced to the Agent Zero, and we learn about his point of view of "the boring world", Leonardo Da Vinci as his friend (which i find just awesome, by the way), and he speaks Latin! That was incredible, I love the incorporation of an old foreign language and that he keeps on asking "what is it?" in such a casual but yet fancy manner . But perhaps consider developing his character a bit more, his motivations, emotions and background isn't really clear, that makes it a bit hard to relate to him.

Last but not least, the conflict between Agent Eight and Zero falls a bit short of expectations. Consider adding more depth to the conversation or introduce the consequences of Zero his actions. This could give the reader something to look forward to, and a situation to make theories about and draw conclusions, something intense that'll keep the reader on the edge of their seats. Thereby you could also increase the length of your chapter for a bit.

But of course, do keep in mind, these are only suggestions with the intention of boosting the impact and depth of your story. And the decision of considering them is entirely up to you.

III. Seek Inspiration Beyond
Feel free to check out The Interlude Chapter 4: Crimson Pulse Part 1 and the series of The Lie that Saved the World Chapter 1: The smoke in the forest by @VengefulReaper and for some extra inspiration and ideas to spice up your own storytelling!
And if you're a cinephile, check out the Netflix series The 100!

IV. In A Nutshell
Everything in all and all in everything, your story has a lot of interesting things mixed up in it and it has a lot of potential. I definitely hope to read more
Good luck with your future writing projects!

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

With Rose-tinted regards!