I woke up to the sun hitting my face through the 40th story window of the office building. This had been my home since The Outbreak. The Outbreak was caused by the Animendrix virus. This virus was like no other. It would kill the infected individual within a matter of hours but then the user wouldn’t stay dead. The first person to die by the virus was reanimated in three days, but the virus mutated causing the reanimation time to decrease to just 15 minutes.
I had been living alone in this building for a year now. I looked out the window to see the bare desolate wasteland that was once the live and vibrant city of Charlotte. I looked up to sky and saw there wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the sun was shining brilliantly. I felt tears start to well up in my already bloodshot eyes. The city that I used to call home was no longer the way I remembered it. Half the buildings had the outline of bodies in the windows from where people jumped out of desperation to escape from an infected coworker. I felt a pain in my stomach from the loneliness I felt. I haven’t even seen another live human being for a year. All I longed for was just another live person I could do normal things with like talk, and laugh, and sit in awkward silence, and hug, and make stupid jokes that only make sense to them and I. That was all I wanted, but I knew it would never happen since I’m the only one left here after The Outbreak.
I walked to the elevator and rode it down to the 15th floor were my weapons that I had painstakingly gathered over the year I had lived here. I picked up a couple grenades, my katana and my favorite gun, the MP-40 with a silencer. I walked back to the elevator and went to the lobby. I had started towards the front door when I heard footsteps rush around the lobby area. I knew it had to be human since the zombies don’t move that fast. I pulled out my katana and looked around for the source of the sound. I looked behind the concierge desk and saw a girl with her knees cradled in her arms against her chest.
She looked around the age of 18, the same age as me. I could tell she was frightened by the whimper in her voice when she said’ “Please don’t kill me. I’m not bitten. I can prove it just please don’t kill me”. I could see the baggage in her eyes. She had to have come from a long ways away since her shirt had holes in it in many different places, and her jeans were torn at the knees. Her long brown hair was greasy, and her face was spotted with mud.
“Who are you and how did you find this building? Where did you come from? Why are you alone?” I fired at her.
She stood up tall and proud and said, “I am Alma Winchester and I came from Asheville. I walked here and decided to stop here for a break, and I’ll have you know that I’ve been alone since this whole end of the world thing happened so I’ll be just fine if you think I need help.”
I couldn’t help but correct my posture and step back from her. She was the first human I’ve encountered since The Outbreak. The fear of her leaving quickly caused me to hide my excitement.
We stood there in awkward silence. She looked at me and I started to laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Alma questioned sounding offended.
“I don’t know” I replied. I felt joy start to build up in me. I was finally having normal interaction with another live human being. I took her up to the 40th floor and brought her to an area that was a comfy spot and gave her some blankets and a pillow.
“You can sleep here while I get supplies.” She laid down and went to sleep. I stood there and just watched her sleep for ten minutes. I felt a little bit creepy for just watching her but who could blame me it was the first time I’ve seen another human being in a year. After it looked like she was in a deep dream I walked to the elevator and rode it down to the lobby. I heard footsteps run around the lobby. I pulled out my katana in anticipation of someone else trying to attack me. The footsteps started to run towards me. I turned to see it was a zombie running at me. I was caught by surprise, and by the zombie running at me. It tackled me to ground and started to snap at me. I struggled to get it off me. In the process of throwing it off me, the zombie almost bit my arm. I stood up and got a better grip on my katana. I prepared to swing as the zombie stood up and started to charge at me. With one quick slice I cut the zombies head clean off. The exhaustion caused me to hunch over and catch my breath.
“The zombies, they must be mutating,” I thought. Then Alma came to my mind.
“I better check on Alma and she if she is alright,” I thought to myself. I decided to ride the elevator back up to check on Alma. I knew there was no way that anything could get up there to harm her, but I just had to check and make sure she wasn’t hurt or woken up from her sleep. I rode the elevator up to the 40th floor and ran as quietly as I could to go check on Alma. She had woken up from her nap and was staring out the window. “Isn’t it crazy how quickly the world went to heel,” she whimpered to me. When she turned to look at me her eyes looked like shattered glass. I ran up so close I could feel the warmth of her breath on my face.
“Yeah I know it’s like in the instance of a pen drop everyone in the world decided to go crazy and forget how to act civilized,” I replied softly. We exchanged looks. I could see pain, no agony in her eyes, as if everybody she loved had died.
“I just wish it could be back to when times were simpler and we didn’t have to fight to survive,” Alma replied woefully.
“I know what you mean, I’ve been living here alone for a year,” I told her. The look in her eyes was one that showed pity, sorrow and relatability all in one. We stared for a little longer, then we heard it. The whirl of a helicopter was overhead. I ran, with Alma in close pursuit, to the stairwell and went up two stories to the roof. When we arrived to the roof we saw an army-like helicopter fly over us. Alma and I started to jump up and down in a desperate attempt to catch the pilots attention. As it flew towards the center of the city we saw the bottom portion open up. Excitement built up in us as we anticipated the helicopter to turn around to pick us up and bring us to a safe location. Excitement turned to fright as a nuclear bomb came into view. Alma and I looked at each other and embraced. If I was going to die at least I had someone with me so I wouldn’t die alone. As the bomb fell we let go sat down and held hands. The last thing I remember was the heat on my face.
~~~~~~
“Boy I’m sure glad we got that taken care,” the pilot muttered.
“Yeah now the rest of the world will never know the government created the Animendrix virus and its side effects,”.
“Oh yeah if the rest of the world knew they would think we’re preparing for virus warfare,”.
“Man I can’t believe the virus got out of the lab, Dr. Simmons should have been more careful,”.
“You think for a guy hired by the president he would be better at his job,” The two chuckled as the flew back to report to base.
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140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Hey! Unbreakablesmile here to write my first review. I hope my critiques don't sound to harsh, if so, I apologize. I love these kinds of plots, but I'll admit I'm a bit picky.
An opening statement is supposed to “hook” the reader. I was really interested to read on until you said this. Not that it’s a bad idea, i’m just not as interested anymore. I feel like you just listed facts. Try to leave a little mystery for the reader, let them wonder what the Outbreak was about, and how it was caused.
I feel like this sentence contradicts with what you said before about the city being a “bare desolate wasteland” You can say the sun was shining but brilliantly has more of a positive connotation. Perhaps say “the burning sun stared at me” or something of that sort.
This sounds repetitive, perhaps omit the second “felt”
Show don’t tell!! instead of saying you could tell she was frightened maybe write
“Please don’t kill me. I’m not bitten. I can prove it just please don’t kill me” she whimpered.
The whole exchange between Alma and the protagonist felt a little awkward and rushed to me.
I love the ending I just wish it was worded differently? It explained too much, I feel like. Or that might just be me. I’m a sucker for a little suspense and mystery
All in all I really like the plot from what I’ve read. I would love to see where this goes!
Hello.
A bit late, but here's the promised review!
First the things that need some work.
The piece starts with a lot of exposition, but not much information on the protagonist, as another reviewer mentioned. While the Outbreak and its effects are major plot points, perhaps it would be better to have them introduced either organically through casual observation or via some other medium. A journal or a stray bit of official paperwork would fit the dry, factual tone of the first paragraph.
In the following sections many of your sentences start with the pronoun 'I.' While establishing the point of view is important, some variety wouldn't hurt, especially since it is clear that the protagonist is the one seeing it all. Aside from repetition there are grammatical slip-ups as well – look up the use of tenses and verb forms in general.
For a person living inside an abandoned office building, the protagonist has an impressive arsenal of pretty specific and... unlikely weapons. The grenades could have been looted off a soldier if the military got involved, but where in the world did he acquire a katana and a gun with a silencer? Elaborating on that would give the reader a chance to see more of the protagonist's backstory and relate to him more.
As for the encounter with Alma, the protagonist seems awfully composed and fires very specific questions for a person who has just seen their first uninfected human in a year. Alma’s moodswings are abrupt and disconnected from the general flow of the atmosphere. Some elaboration would also be welcome on their journey up to the fortieth floor – after such a bumpy introduction, why did she trust him so easily as to follow him? Including this discussion would serve as means of establishing both their respective personalities and their future dynamic better.
Onwards to the zombie fight. The matter of the elevator was already mentioned by other reviewers, but what about the lobby? Has the protagonist taken no measures at all to secure his living place from unplanned guests or other invaders? Simply barring the door would provide enough trouble for both Alma and the zombie and force them to make enough noise to alert the protagonist to their presence. (Later on it is mentioned the zombies had no way of accessing the fortieth floor – were the stairways barred too?) Also, how did the zombie know the protagonist was there? Why was it alone? The following paragraph features multiple contradictions. The protagonist heard the footsteps, but was surprised by the zombie. After a fairly quick and easy fight consisting of few steps, the protagonist is exhausted and barely able to keep upright. Then there is the mention of the zombies mutating, but it is never clarified what the zombies were like before nor how they differ from the mutated zombies now.
Finally, the ending. When they rush up to the roof and see the helicopter opening the hatch, how did they recognize the bomb as nuclear? Does the protagonist have specific knowledge due to his history or was it inscribed on the bomb itself? The pilots’ conversation is also implausibly casual, but other reviewers have elaborated on that already.
Now to the positives!
What I really liked about this story is the beginning. The reader is plunged directly into the action and as the protagonist starts with his day so does the reader start discovering this world. While the style is dry and clinical at first, the mood of it at least can be ascribed to the protagonist’s bleak state of mind.
Another detail that caught my eye is the outlines of people on the windows of adjacent buildings. These reminders of an ongoing catastrophe act as poignant reminders of the situation and create strong contrast with the day being bright and sunny. Old grief is set against false optimism – what marvellous way of establishing atmosphere.
Alma's original answers, especially the fear of being mistaken for a zombie, point towards an interesting backstory. While their relationship could be worked on, the relief at finding another human is palpable and (minor discrepancies aside) their reactions are both adorable and poignant in their clumsiness.
I was also quite taken with the ending. You did an excellent job of building up hope for the characters, then taking it away without mercy or obvious avenues of escape. The pilots' conversation hints at there being a greater plot reaching to the very beginnings of the story and makes for an excellent spot to wrap things up.
All in all, the story needs work, but you have a solid base and good timing. The characters' mysterious backgrounds make them interesting and their demise showed that you do not shy away from using them to illustrate the seriousness of the situation. I hope this review helped at least a little and that you will continue to write - there is a lot yet to be seen of the world of Animendrix.
Best regards!
~Q
Hello! Acm here to review your story. This is really interesting. Stories like this always catch my eye. I just have a few things I might change:
1. I feel like there's a bit too much information being told about what happened. Maybe you could blend it with something else about the character's backstory or something like that. Also, why did the reanimation time decrease so much? Maybe you could add some parts explaining that.
2. When you have the last part about the pilot, I felt like it needed a bit of work. The two people seemed too casual to be talking about a situation like that. It almost feels like they're talking about the weather. Also, maybe add some imagery or feelings to spice it up. Overall, I think it might read better like this:
"Boy, I'm sure glad we got that taken care of," the pilot muttered, feeling little remorse as he looked back at the billowing cloud of heat and debris.
"I can't believe the virus got out of the lab. Dr. Simmons should have been more careful," the other man said.
"For a man hired by the president, you'd think he would be more careful." The two chuckled as they flew over the abandoned buildings and overgrown houses back to their base."
Overall, there were a few grammar errors, but it was a good start. I can't wait to read more of this!
Thank you so much. I will make sure to pace out the virus backstory more if I wrote a book. I just wanted to challenge myself to get a story in in 4 pages maximum. I wanted the part with the pilots to seem really casual to make it feel like this was a normal occurence for them. Thank you so much for the feed back!
You're welcome! Thanks for clearing that up.
I can't resist a dystopian story! I'm a bit nit-picky, but I'll try my best.
First off, in the introduction paragraph, we hear a lot about the setting, but not so much about our protagonist. There's nothing wrong with that, but I think it would be more interesting for the reader to learn a bit about the character before we're bombarded with a history lesson.
This is a minor thing, but I'd like to know how the people figured out what the virus was. We seem to have pretty detailed knowledge on how this chaos came about. Did the people figure this out themselves and give the virus a name? Maybe due to the initial slow progression of the virus before it mutated, doctors had time to work it out?
The elevator thing. In a dystopian wreck of a society, there's generally not much in the way of electricity. Did the building have it's own generator? Did people not have time to shut off the power grid?
When we first meet Alma, she seems frightened and drawn into herself, like she's nervous. When she introduces herself, you say she stood up tall and proud. Seems like a rapid change of personality, though perhaps that because she realizes that she's not going to be killed? I feel like Alma's personality could be more concrete.
Also, when the main character (what is his/her name anyway?) tells Alma to go to sleep, she does so without question. You'd think that after having been alone for a year, she may be wary of people. If she was so tired she didn't care, you might expect her to at least be a little dubious.
The fact that the main character doesn't have a name sort of, in its own way, gives the character a sense of reliability, since the reader could picture him/her as themselves. However, I feel like, since there is no established gender, their relationship to Alma is left a little vague. If they had survived, and the character was male, might it have turned into a dystopian romance? Since Alma is so comfortable around the character, I feel like it would be a girl.
A really nit-picky thing, the pilots at the end say "virus warfare," but it might sound better to say "biological warfare."
I wonder, if you decide to continue this, would this be the beginning, and you would go on with different characters? Or would it be the same story in more detail?
I really do like the story, and the ending is certainly unique next to most apocalypse tales. Good job, I'd like to see more from you!
Thanks for the review. I am planning to make this a series where the first book explains more about how the Animendrix virus got spread and was named. The second book would be this story with a happy ending, and basically the last book be Alma and the main character (which I intend to make male and have a dystopian love story with Alma) living through the virus together and may be the tragic ending. Thank you for the helpful review!
I really liked this story. You did a great job of developing the plot and explaining how the virus was started. I was hooked until the end. If you do decide to make this short story a book or extend it at all I would definitely want to read it! Keep writing!
Thank you for the support! I do plan on making this a three part series, so keep your eyes peeled for the Animendrix series.