I see her sitting there across from me,
Hoping I am the one she has chosen.
Waiting for her to fin'ly look and see.
On the inside I am really broken.
Why can't I be the one she sees o'er here?
I feel like I am shackled in her chain.
Losing her to someone else is my fear.
No one understands my unending pain.
I feel her love will never come my way.
I am doomed to be forever alone.
Alone here is where I am going to stay.
Masked, my emotions will never be shown.
I am the one she will never notice.
I know I'll never be in her focus.
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140,101 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hi, TheRealOne! My name is Strozzie, and I'm here to review your poem. First and foremost, thank you for writing a sonnet - I have always loved Shakespeare's poetry, and I'm so glad to see a couple of these stylized pieces in the Green Room! Your rhythm is on-point, which I'm utterly relieved I won't have to help you revise, haha
Your rhyme scheme is also correct in a technical sense, and none of your rhymes are even remotely questionable. So, yep, nice job on those aspects!
I do have a couple of critiques for you, so please bear with me.
I see what you mean to say with these lines, but I'm not exactly fond of the presentation. You use the word "alone" twice in a very close span, which I could appreciate if it was intentional. However, for the sake of flow, I encourage you to change the first "forever alone" to "forever forlorn". I think it adds a bit of maturity and consonance while removing the meme allusion.
The first line in this feels a bit forced, as if you had written the rhyming portion before this. Despite the artistic liberty that questioning mid-poem adds, I'm not sure it quite fits the rigidity of a Shakespearean sonnet. I recommend changing it to something along the lines of: "She never sees the love I hold sincere."
Despite my critiques (which you are free to ignore if you disagree), your piece is fantastically written. Please please please please keep up the great work! I hope to see more of your writing in the Green Room soon!
Thank you so much for the review. I do appreciate the criticism. I can understand what you are saying but a lot of this is personal preference, but your comments were really helpful. Thank you so much!
Hey there, TheRealOne! cleverclogs here for a review!
This was a good sonnet. I liked the theme and the language you used, and you did a commendable job staying within the rhythmic limits of the sonnet form. There were a few blips, though. For instance, sometimes a line was ten syllables, but didn't follow iambic pentameter. I felt like you were aware that it needed to be there, but didn't always get it exactly right. Therefore, I shall give you the most overused example of correct iambic pentameter ever:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
The rhythm goes:
ba-BUM ba-Bam ba-BUM ba-BUM ba-BUM
so you read it like this:
Shall I comPARE thee TO a SUMmer's DAY?
Sometimes in your sonnet, the rhythm ending up being more like, BUM ba-BUM ba-BUM ba-BUM ba-BUM ba, which ends up being sort of weird. An example from your sonnet is this:
which reads like this:
It's backwards. I know that iambic pentameter can be pretty hard to follow, but I felt like you were conscious enough of it in this poem for me to give you a little reminder of how it works. I'd recommend reading through your poem to work out those little spots where it doesn't quite follow the pentameter. You can reword some things to make it work. You can also feel free to phrase things oddly to fit the rhythm. It is poetry, after all. As someone once said in a review on a sonnet of mine:
Now, onto reviewing content.
I definitely like how you showed the emotion and described the speaker's struggle. I can't say that I relate, but I still felt the emotion that you put into it, so you should totally keep that up.
Something that I feel could be improved is the use of imagery. It's not a surprise that the most powerful line for me was this:
because it used the imagery that the rest of this poem was lacking in. I would love to see more lines like this to describe what the narrator is going through. I think it could be very effective in bringing out the emotion even more.
Overall, this was an excellent sonnet! I think it could use some touching up in spots, but it's really quite good. Keep up the good work! I hope your English teacher liked it!
Hey, I love this - it flows really nicely and although simple is quite powerful, well done
On to criticism, of which there is not much:
Firstly, your fourth line contains the word "really". I do not hate this word, so much as wince whenever I see it like this. I just feel as though it's filler to fit the rhythm. Perhaps you could switch it up to:
"On the inside, deep, I am broken"
I'm not sure about the effect but I feel if you try and vary the emphasis and pattern then you'll create a nicer feel to the poem - play around with it and see what fits.
Next, I fine issue with the lines:
"Why can't I be the one she sees o'er here?
I feel like I am shackled in her chains."
Again, it's small - saying "over here" feels a bit unnecessary, it brings the ethereal feel back to reality - remember your poems can exist solely in literature: sometimes reminding the reader of physical space can be a bit jarring.
Also, this may be another personal niggle, but the phrase "I feel like" seems unnecessary. I'd work it into a metaphor somehow just because really - it would flow nicer in my opinion.
Again, all of this stuff is relatively personal - it's up to you whether you ignore me or not! I'm a big fan of this - it's really lyrical and lovely and warm and well done, you've done great wor here so you should feel proud.
Keep writing
Arathorth
Hey, I love this - it flows really nicely and although simple is quite powerful, well done
On to criticism, of which there is not much:
Firstly, your fourth line contains the word "really". I do not hate this word, so much as wince whenever I see it like this. I just feel as though it's filler to fit the rhythm. Perhaps you could switch it up to:
I'm not sure about the effect but I feel if you try and vary the emphasis and pattern then you'll create a nicer feel to the poem - play around with it and see what fits.
Next, I fine issue with the lines:
Again, it's small - saying "over here" feels a bit unnecessary, it brings the ethereal feel back to reality - remember your poems can exist solely in literature: sometimes reminding the reader of physical space can be a bit jarring.
Also, this may be another personal niggle, but the phrase "I feel like" seems unnecessary. I'd work it into a metaphor somehow just because really - it would flow nicer in my opinion.
Again, all of this stuff is relatively personal - it's up to you whether you ignore me or not! I'm a big fan of this - it's really lyrical and lovely and warm and well done, you've done great wor here so you should feel proud.
Keep writing
Arathorth
Hey! Thanks for the review. Since it is a Sonnet, more specifically a Shakespearen sonnet, I have to use certain guidelines to write it. I am really glad you liked my work!
Hey, Arathorth! For future reference, when you are writing a review, please add HTML codes around the author's quotes. Before a quote, add [ quote ] , and after one, use [ /quote ] . It will make your review easier to read and reference during edits. Thanks so much!
Woah, how do I not know that by now!?
Thanks a bunch, I've always wanted to know to do that!%uD83D%uDE1D
Hello there!
I really loved this. I felt like I could understand exactly the emotions being portrayed. I really liked the last two lines... While they were sad, they also made it that much more emotional for me. And also the first 4 lines... Unrequited love, feeling broken, etc., are all emotions I think many many people can relate to, and you did such a wonderful job putting these into poetry. I have nothing to suggest. I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, and I can't wait to read more from you! ^~^
Thank you so much! I appreciate the comment