Carson Young stood outside the loading dock, casually watching the morning wave’s splash against the deck. Each time the rushing water crashed, it felt like the booming noise grew louder and louder. Slowly taking another drag from his cigarette, letting the ashes dance away with the wind, he glanced once more at the vessel that laid before him. He was going to be one of the hundreds of passengers to set sail for a weeklong vacation. Already he spotted a few faces getting their chance to take pictures of the remarkable sights on board. Some were already dressed for a dip in the pool, sporting tight trunks and swim suits that embraced there sexy bodies. Moving his attention back to the vibrant sea below, the figure that shined in the water had stunned him. The emerald eyes complimented his olive pigment and dirty blonde hair, which he was so graciously blessed with. He was anything but sexy, although others had often times exclaimed his beauty was something of a masterpiece. If only he could see through their eyes. Tossing his butt into the ocean, he managed to distinguish his father from the other passengers who were currently in line to board the ship. It’d be impossible not to discern his rather incredible physique from any of the traveler’s. Unlike his slim build, Carson’s father was a virtuoso when it came to working out. He’d find him twice a day filling the home with the sounds of weights slamming against metal, and obnoxious music that was supposedly to help him get in the mood. Maybe if he’d join him in the basement, in an effort to get fit, he’d resemble his dad a bit more, but he was perfectly content with the way he looked.
Standing before him, he kindly smiled at his father who presented him with a look of excitement.
“You as happy as I am kid?” the question held a little weight to it, and Carson sympathetically nodded.
“Good, I can tell we’re going to have a lot of fun once our vacation begins.” He said moving along with the line he stood in.
“You think we can take some time today and dive in the pool,” he asked eagerly, “the weather feels great today, probably the best it’s going to be for the week.”
“I might just try out the casino if that alright with you, your dad might get lucky for once.”
He hid his disappointment and focused his attention to the lady in front of him who impatiently asked for their tickets. His dad reached into his jean pocket and tried to fish them out, taking longer than it should have been, and the look on the lady’s face turned sour. With a sigh of relief, his dad finally located the tickets and graciously delivered them to the woman. After checking their validity, she welcomed the two aboard the “S.S. Cruz”. Carson trotted up the path that lead to the ship, his dad easily carrying the luggage they brought with them. Once at the top he couldn’t help but sense an exuberant sensation envelop his body.
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137,585 Literary Works • 672,049 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this was a pretty relaxing way to start off a story, only the tiniest of alarm bells being rung in this one, and save for that everything was suspiciously just the start of a normal vacation.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, that was a lot more description regarding the body types of the protagonist and his father than I was ever expecting to read there....its certainly introducing the main players in the story right away. The description of the setting that this is happening in is also pretty darn solid here too, its certainly easy to imagine what the surroundings might be like here. I do wish this paragraph was in a couple more pieces here because it is a little on the chunkier side and you don't want to be starting off with too big of a blob of text there.
Okay, that's an interesting question for the father to be asking, but well, it looks like he's just checking up on his son there, so uhh, no red flags on everything for the moment. It all seems to be a pretty relaxed vacation atmosphere so far here.
Okay...well, this is still continuing in the vein of the vacation theme here, I probably should stop being super paranoid about things and just enjoy this as being just a pretty relaxed start to a story at this point considering everything does appear to be looking like that for the moment.
Hmm...well that appears to indicate some sort of hidden gambling problem in the dad there judging by how sour that reaction appeared to be...so that certainly raises a few eyebrows...but well, it appears this is just the normal start to a bit of a cruise of sorts soo...yeah...pretty decent start here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty decent start to a story here. I think it seems to be headed towards some interesting waters here
see what I did there. And well, that's about all I've gotta say for now.As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi TheRappa! Welcome to YWS! I hope you’re enjoying your time here so far.
- This should be all one paragraph on it’s own. And it’s a great first paragraph at that!Also, make sure you check all your paragraphs are how they should be. The first block should be separated out into lots of separate ones.
l love your writing style. It’s clean and refined. You use a lot of different openers, sentence lengths and great descriptions.
I know you say this is a sample at the top of this work, but I really do hope that there is more! I always think you should treat your chapters like a mini story each. it should have a beginning, a middle with an event and an end.
Brush up on your paragraph setting out and add some more and this will be fantastic!
Good luck! feel free to ask me anything, anytime! & again, Welcome to the family!
Olive <3
Hello there. :3
I'll make this short and sweet, focusing on what you need to improve upon rather than too many of the good points, okay? *glances at watch* I have ten minutes. Let's see what I can do.
I'm reading through this... and I can't tell what's going on. I mean, yeah, I can see what's going on, where they're at, etc.. But the piece dances all over the place - one time, it seems like he's standing on the dock, then jumping into the ocean... and then he's standing in line to get on the ship? Look through here, and even if you meant to have the part with the swimming in the ocean and the descriptions of the bodies (I especially liked the one of the father, and about his weight-lifting), you must separate it and find a way to make it flow with the rest of the story, but still set apart from everything. Look through this and see what's going on, where the characters are - and then plan your chapter. Flashbacks are wonderful to use, but you must remember that they're only that great if they flow with the rest of the piece and are at the perfect moment. Otherwise, they're a snag for the reader and bring them to a halt with your piece, their reading inhibited.
Your paragraphing could use some work. Towards the ending, it seemed to get somewhat better, veering towards how it's supposed to be. But, still - remember the golden rule. One idea equals one paragraph. This is one of those things that's very... loose in a way? When you write out your paragraphs, it's okay to have you own personal spin on that rule, but always split them when your writing goes off on a different tangent. So the ideas include the swimming, standing to wait on the dock, the father, etc. You have a wonderful start with what you have here. It just needs some tweaking.
just morning waves
Comma after am
If I had my way, adverbs would be annihilated off this planet... but since I don't have my way with everything (actually, basically nothing. xd), they are everywhere. If you want to hear my reasons for wanting adverbs to not be present anymore in writing, just tell me and I'll prattle on for a while. Anyway. This adverb isn't accurate. It expresses an emotion I'd say almost opposite of what he should be feeling? He shouldn't be feeling sympathetic towards his father, but perhaps a different emotion? Feeling sympathetic is what happens when you look down at a friend who scraped their knee on the concrete, a sibling in the hospital, and so on - not when your father asks you if you're happy.
Comma after said, and another comma is necessary before the he said. Always remember: if it's they said after a string of dialogue, it's safe to say you need a comma at the end of that said dialogue. Always.
Well, my ten minutes is up - so off to work. xD I enjoyed this short blip from your book, and it interests me. If you wanted to suck a reader into your book, this would do the trick. It asks a lot of questions about the characters relationship, what's going to happen on this boat, etc.. I think you have a good start here. All you need to do is work on the smaller things, which are always the hardest - tweaking and strengthening this piece with a touch of editing. c:
Good luck! If you post any more of these, I'd be happy to review for you.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hia! Rurouni here to review!
So we'll start off then.
You did put it in romantic, but I didn't really understand the romance? -maybe I missed something?- Anyways.
One thing I found is that you used the word "sexy" a couple of times, and this always sort of throws me off, how were they "sexy"? Did they have swooning hourglass shaped bodies, were they pole thin, were they on the large side?
There is their. There= Over there. Their= Their dog.
You can put dialogue by the same character into one paragraph to make things cleaner.
Something that did make me turn away was the huge first paragraph. It could be larger, could be then split into more paragraphs.
It has potential for sure, though this could use some work.
I hope this helped somehow.
This one must be off then,
~Ruro~