Hi TheRandomWriter,
Mailice back with another short review! 
I've read the second part of the story and I have to say that it stands out from the first part in that it feels different. It has much shorter sentences (even though there are still quite long ones) and also smaller paragraphs. It makes me wonder what the attempt was to write the story; a play with flashbacks or a short story? It's a contradiction in both cases, and think you need to focus more on one direction there.
The plot so far is moving in a cryptic zone where I don't really know where it's going yet, but I think that will be resolved in the next parts.
A big point where you need to work is the presentation and presentation of the structure of your sentences. As it is now, it doesn't read in a suspenseful action, but more like a simple held work that needs to be polished to find the diamond inside.
But I liked that you got more background, and that with the new flashback here, the story is moving more towards a different point. I think that's turned out well.
Other points that stood out to me:
Joseph thought about theories and zombies and post-apocalyptic movies and stuff, but never did he think something out of a movie would happen to him, it was a dream.
Since you are making a list here, I would remove the first "and" and put a comma.
Joseph had fallen asleep from all the gaming he was doing, he had maybe played 15 or more hours of it, until he finally just passed out.
Here is a short interjection from my side. In the first part of your short story you write that Joseph plays from about 8 pm, which would be about 13 hours with the time now given. Since you're already careful to insert the times to give the reader a bit of theatricality in this style, I'd be careful not to contradict anything chronologically, otherwise it looks unprofessional.
Finally, she took a step, one step out of the bed, and she grabbed her phone texted Emma....
Here it is questionable how the sentence develops as it needs to be reworded a bit to make sense. I would write it like this: "Finally Irene took a step. It was only one; straight out of the bed to grab her phone to text Emma..."
Irene was short, brownish hair and brown eyes to go with it, with beautiful brown skin any boys perfect girlfriend, but Irene didn't believe in love she never has in fact after this one boy in middle school she never trusted boys again, and she's only had one true friend along the way.... Emma.
It is better if this section comes in the first part, where you have already gone a little deeper into the characterisation of the characters. Here this section seems like a roadblock in the text.
She never ever talked to anyone else really, it always Irene & Emma even before Irene & Emma were Irene & Emma.
If you want to allude to something here, it's fine, otherwise I would replace the & with and.
In summary, it was an interesting piece. I like how you split the title in the two parts like that, would still try to title them with the same name otherwise it confuses readers.
Have fun writing!
Mailice.
Points: 0
Reviews: 1232
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