Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Science Fiction

E - Everyone Language

The beginning of the end...

by TheRandomWriter


The year was 2025 and the pandemic was long over, nothing was ever going to be the same and I can't say things will get any better, but let's start from the beginni- well not the end but the beginning of it I can't explain why things turned out this way but maybe one day we'll find the answer, Irene thought maybe it was god, Irene was a lot she was my mom.. my friend and the best cook I had ever met.

Things won't get better from here, this record is only for the purpose of one reason.

I knew we wouldn't live.

For whoever may see or read this.

If any reads this, I thought we would go extinct.

It was normal... everything was until the night of the incident no one expected this to happen, I'm not sure if they know now. But that's the thing they didn't get the chance to be scared or sad or anything.

Just gone.

Seriously, nothing not even ashes or the echo's of their voice once Irene had woke up she always laid for a bid in her bed when she woke, she wasn't really the rushy type more like lazy.

She grabbed her phone as usual and went straight for Snapchat, she texted her friend Emma they had known each other since 6th grade they were both 16 in the 11th grade and had been bestie's since they met.

It was 7:43.

Irene: " good morning boo we gotta do something for Halloween today! "

Irene looked at some Snapchat stories and fell back to sleep.

Meanwhile, Joseph was playing video games, he had been since 8 last night wasn't bad in fact he sure was a game head always getting more than 5 kills in battle royale games, I'd say that's above average

It was 7:45

Joseph headed to the kitchen and grabbed him a soda and he went straight back to his room, he didn't bug to question how his dad wasn't up to drinking coffee waiting for him to come in the fridge and grab a bunch of snacks, cause that was the only reason he really came out.

It's 8:45 Joseph played games, and Irene slept most of the time.

Joseph was the same age as Emma and Irene and he didn't talk to many people, and he didn't like to get into feelings with people, but it had been an hour and neither his mom or dad had come running to his door asking what he was gonna do today, even tho he didn't say it much, he did love his parents he just never thought he was good enough, but all the time he spent trying to finally tell them how he loved them so much they were gone.

He was in shock, he went into his parent's bedroom and they were gone.

" Why would they not be here? "

Maybe they left in the car he thought... Or they're hiding, but they wouldn't hide he thought.

He checks the window, the car was still there.

He opened a few closet doors around the house.. but then he stopped by the front door and walked outside, it was quite not the normal quite either there was nothing no bird chirping not even cars driving around... not one.

This is the time people get ready for work, but it looked as tho everyone was still sleep, or just gone.

Joseph went inside, and didn't think much of it at first but little did he know he would be walking around the world...

Only to find one person, or girl Irene...


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 162
Reviews: 12

Donate
Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:19 am
Vaibhav wrote a review...



Hey
TheRandomWriter
Here's for the review. There were a few grammatical errors. While writing a fiction, you must try to be a manipulative a possible. Here you are straightaway writing a story line. You could have added a few twist and turns to make it more interesting. Like there was a sudden blank when the mass oblivion occurred or "in a flash the entire civilization subsided" type feels.
To be more precise, paraphrase like the morning was more subtle than usual or no bird chirping or it was more quite than it should be. These things could be used while writing.
Though it depends upon the writer what type of story they are writing- a descriptive one or a imaginative one. A descriptive story maintains a straight line throughout but an imaginative one could help you give more ups and downs to the story.

" nothing not even ashes or the echo's of their voice"

There is nothing such thing as "Ashes of voice". Though the feels are communicated, you should always try to use phrases that already exist.
THnx




User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 162
Reviews: 12

Donate
Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:18 am
Vaibhav says...






User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 336
Reviews: 8

Donate
Sat Jan 09, 2021 1:34 pm
Grace4life wrote a review...



Hi Grace here for a review
First of all i loved it, the idea of the whole story was interesting. Even though there are some mistakes there and there. I really loved how the story was structured, it was funny and really thoughtful. I love how you are revealing to us the characters personality, what type of person they are. It is like watching those movies where the main character is the narrator which makes the whole movie fun to watch. I love how you chose how to tell the story that just made it more fun to read.

Lastly how you ended it, i literally wanted to read more and find out what happened then i looked to see whether you wrote a second part.I was so happy when i saw it, after this i am going straight to read the second part. Your ending made the reader want to know more of the story which was a smart way to end the story.

You are a amazing writer, love your work can not wait to read more of your work:).




User avatar
1062 Reviews


Points: 120715
Reviews: 1062

Donate
Tue Jan 05, 2021 5:36 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry here to leave a review!!

First Impression: Well this was an intriguing little story certainly. There were pretty fun parts and the description at the end on how all of this went down and that ending were all done pretty well I think.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The year was 2025 and the pandemic was long over, nothing was ever going to be the same and I can't say things will get any better, but let's start from the beginni- well not the end but the beginning of it I can't explain why things turned out this way but maybe one day we'll find the answer, Irene thought maybe it was god, Irene was a lot she was my mom.. my friend and the best cook I had ever met.


Okay...well looks like this is not starting out very well. Well certainly a pretty intriguing start to a story, certainly gets your attention as a reader this one.

Things won't get better from here, this record is only for the purpose of one reason.

I knew we wouldn't live.

For whoever may see or read this.

If any reads this, I thought we would go extinct.


Hmm...well yup it does certainly look like this is a very dire situation.

It was normal... everything was until the night of the incident no one expected this to happen, I'm not sure if they know now. But that's the thing they didn't get the chance to be scared or sad or anything.

Just gone.


Oh dear...well looks like it was some rather crazy incident that put humankind in this place, well, this continues to get more intriguing.

Seriously, nothing not even ashes or the echo's of their voice once Irene had woke up she always laid for a bid in her bed when she woke, she wasn't really the rushy type more like lazy.


Okay...that's a decent introduction to her character.

She grabbed her phone as usual and went straight for Snapchat, she texted her friend Emma they had known each other since 6th grade they were both 16 in the 11th grade and had been bestie's since they met.

It was 7:43.


Well we're getting a lot of details and I am wondering if all of that is going to be important later because otherwise some of these details like the time and all aren't as important as you'd think.

Irene: " good morning boo we gotta do something for Halloween today! "

Irene looked at some Snapchat stories and fell back to sleep.


Okay, interesting word choice there with good morning boo but not judging.

Meanwhile, Joseph was playing video games, he had been since 8 last night wasn't bad in fact he sure was a game head always getting more than 5 kills in battle royale games, I'd say that's above average

It was 7:45


Okay, that doesn't look healthy at all but I am now wondering why we need all of this extra backstory or how this ties in to the stuff earlier because its not as clear as it should be.

Joseph was the same age as Emma and Irene and he didn't talk to many people, and he didn't like to get into feelings with people, but it had been an hour and neither his mom or dad had come running to his door asking what he was gonna do today, even tho he didn't say it much, he did love his parents he just never thought he was good enough, but all the time he spent trying to finally tell them how he loved them so much they were gone.


Right so this is where the whole vanishing part happens, well it certainly is quite sudden, that is for sure. I think that part is actually done pretty well.

He was in shock, he went into his parent's bedroom and they were gone.

" Why would they not be here? "


Not the worst reaction but I would actually expect maybe a little bit more than this. It doesn't feel quite as shocking as it should have.

Maybe they left in the car he thought... Or they're hiding, but they wouldn't hide he thought.

He checks the window, the car was still there.

He opened a few closet doors around the house.. but then he stopped by the front door and walked outside, it was quite not the normal quite either there was nothing no bird chirping not even cars driving around... not one.


Well frantically checking things seems like a decently appropriate reaction so at least that part is fine, I think maybe describing his feelings a bit would add that missing little bit.

Joseph went inside, and didn't think much of it at first but little did he know he would be walking around the world...

Only to find one person, or girl is Irene...


Ooooh...well quite an interesting ending there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a really fun little story and it was quite fun to read. There are a couple of places I still feel like it could be improved upon but for the most part its great. Anyways that's about all that I have to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
66 Reviews


Points: 3381
Reviews: 66

Donate
Sat Jan 02, 2021 3:44 pm
Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Hi! I'm Yoshi and I'm here for your review!

Let's get this started, all right?

The year was 2025 and the pandemic was long over, nothing was ever going to be the same and I can't say things will get any better, but let's start from the beginni- well not the end but the beginning of it I can't explain why things turned out this way but maybe one day we'll find the answer, Irene thought maybe it was god, Irene was a lot she was my mom.. my friend and the best cook I had ever met.


First, this was a very nice intro. "The year was 2025 and the pandemic was long over" gave the reader some attention.

Second, this entire paragraph is one continuous, unending run-on. You could split this into three to four sentences and they would still be pretty big.

To better write it, you should add punctuation correctly,as a first. Grammatically, this would be correct:

The year was 2025; the pandemic was long over. Nothing was ever going to be the same, and I can't say that things got better. Let's start from the beginning. Not the end, but the beginning of it. I can't explain why things turned out this way, but maybe one day we'll find the answer. Irene thought that maybe it was God-- she was my mom, my friend, and the best cook I had ever met.


Now that takes care of all the grammatical issues. Next we have the technical issues.

First, "let's start from the beginning. Not the end, but the beginning of it" is extremely abnormal. First of all, any reader would assume that a story begins at the beginning of something. However, it seems to be that you are trying to convince the reader that it starts in the beginning, but not the end, which feels weird to me.

Next, "Irene was a lot she was my mom.. my friend and the best cook I had ever met." Ooookay so in this sentence it seems to be that you are saying that Irene is your mom, your friend, and the best cook you had ever met. And then there is also the added factor of "was a lot". Did you mean that she was a lot like your mom? You should try to slow the pacing down here so that you can better explain what you meant.

Things won't get better from here, this record is only for the purpose of one reason.

I knew we wouldn't live.

For whoever may see or read this.

If any reads this, I thought we would go extinct.


"This record is only for the purpose of one reason." this is redundant. You shouldn't write "the purpose of one reason". If there is a reason, there is a purpose. If there is a purpose, there is a reason. No need to add both.

"I knew we wouldn't live." Nice hook! Although it would have been preferred if you added this to the intro instead of right here, it's still a nice hook nevertheless.

"For whoever may see or read this." This is a sentence fragment and also redundant because the next statement basically restates this sentence.

"If any reads this, I thought we would go extinct". "Any" should be "Anyone" or "Anybody" or "Someone". Also, you do not have proper tense agreement. You have present tense here in the first clause, but then you write with past tense in the second.

It was normal... everything was until the night of the incident no one expected this to happen, I'm not sure if they know now. But that's the thing they didn't get the chance to be scared or sad or anything.


This is a run-on. If you don't understand what a run-on is, I can explain.

A run-on sentence is when two or more independent clauses are mashed together into what looks like a sentence, but actually isn't-- when looked at through close inspection.

If you added a few commas, placed a few periods, and separated a few sentences, then this passage would have been perfect.

There are also examples of misspelling (which is spelling a word incorrectly-- often through typo), capitalization mistakes (forgetting to capitalize a letter), and improper tense agreement. I suggest you work on proofreading so that you can better revise your work.

Proofreading is when an author revises their own work through re-reading it.

Joseph went inside, and didn't think much of it at first but little did he know he would be walking around the world...

Only to find one person, or girl is Irene...


I don't understand this ending very well. Did his parents die? Did everyone except Irene and him die? What happened? You need to be more informational. Since this is a short story, you need to give more background information. I'm not talking about each character's hobbies and personalities; I'm talking about the world they live in. This is a future-based short story, so you have to explain everything very well. Pretend you are writing this for somebody who doesn't know that COVID exists. Pretend that this somebody has been living under a rock for the last five years. If you pretend that your reader is dumb, then other readers will have a significantly higher chance of understanding.

Anyways, hope you were satisfied with this review!

Remember the Alamo. Remember Goliad. Remember Fireworks

-y0shi




User avatar
154 Reviews


Points: 10017
Reviews: 154

Donate
Sat Jan 02, 2021 10:22 am
Zoom wrote a review...



Hello TheRandomWriter, ^_^

Zoom here for a review. I see you're new to YWS so welcome! Hope you enjoy your stay!

I see you've already contributed 6 reviews so thanks for making an effort. There's nothing I like to see more than a new member getting stuck in from day 1 ^_^

I spotted your post on the People tab, something about only continuing this story if others like it, and I just want to suggest that you try not to think like that. Of course, all writers are encouraged and motivated when readers invest in their work. However, I advise against resting the fate of your writing solely on what other people think. Before readers can love your story, you need to love your story first, so much so that you'll write it no matter what. Find the stories in your heart that you just have to get out, and nothing will stop you from doing so. Those are the ones that really become something great.

Anyway, let's get on with why I'm here: your first chapter!

I'm going to dive right in with my overall thoughts.

I think that it is a bit busy, first of all. A lot is going on at once, some of it important, some of it less so, and it creates a bumpy transition into the story. The trouble with beginnings is that you're starting from ground zero, so every important element of a story, namely setting, conflict & character development doesn't yet exist, and you're having to juggle all of them at once in a way that doesn't confuse the reader and lets them immerse smoothly into the first scene and stay within your world until the end of the book. Sound daunting? Well, it is! But that's okay. Nobody finds this balance in the first draft. (Or sadly, multiple drafts). It takes time and effort.

Let me give you a taste of what I mean.

The year was 2025 and the pandemic was long over, nothing was ever going to be the same and I can't say things will get any better, but let's start from the beginni- well not the end but the beginning of it I can't explain why things turned out this way but maybe one day we'll find the answer, Irene thought maybe it was god, Irene was a lot she was my mom.. my friend and the best cook I had ever met.


Let's examine your first paragraph.

So we start off with the year, a very common but good detail to begin with for Sci-Fi. That clues us into a lot, such as how advanced we can expect this world to be. Then we move immediately into "pandemic / nothing will be the same" which is the conflict. Again, a great element to push to the forefront of your first chapter - readers want to see what kind of story they're dealing with. Next up we have "maybe we will find the answer" so we have a potential character goal, something we want to see them accomplish. Finally, we have Irene, who she is to the narrator and...that she is a great cook. So that's character development.

That is quite a lot to absorb after one paragraph.

Again, let me stress that these story elements are great and you're showing really good instincts by valuing them so highly. However, including them all at once, rapid fire, can create a jarring introduction to your story. I suggest to spend a bit more time with one element before skipping on to the next.

The next thing I was confused about was the narrator and the mode you're using to tell the story. I gather that this is a journal written by Irene's child, but I'm not sure about the consistency. There are entire passages that feel like third person because the narrator feels detached / absent from what is happening.

Something that I do like is the way you're giving us a glimpse into the last day of things being normal, and that you're time stamping each scene. I think that is quite clever, the way you're using a mundane detail such as the exact minute of the hour to call the reader's attention to something terribly not mundane - the rising conflict of the story. Nothing adds tension to a story like a ticking clock, and in your case there is a literal ticking clock we can see. It's a nice visual. I think you should go even further, remove "it's" and just have the time on its own as a header to each scene.

In fact, I liked the "this was our last normal day" mini scenes way more than the opening. The opening was something I've seen a lot, a typical "i'm writing this journal because XYZ" "hello i'm the narrator nice to meet you" introduction. I'd rather go straight into the journal entries and have to figure out the narrator's motivation for writing them as I go along. The intro was confusing and contradictory anyway, raising more questions than it answered. The pandemic was over, but the narrator was utterly convinced everyone was going to die, and yet hoped to one day unravel the truth to why the pandemic started in the first place?

Lastly, I think this piece is riddled with one too many grammar & punctuation errors. Let me stress that nobody expects fully polished works here (unless the writer specifically labels their work as such). However, too many mistakes will make people focus on those instead of the overall structure of the story and how well key elements work. On that note, hopefully someone does come along and give you more instruction on the errors because they will be important for you to address.

I can deal with most errors, but what bugged me most was that you slip from past to present tense without any clear logic behind it.

Examples:

It was 7:45


Past tense

It's 8:45


Present tense

He checks the window, the car was still there.

He opened a few closet doors around the house..


Checks = present
Opened = past

---

That should about do it.

Again, love the tension in this story and the taste of normalcy you're showing. I love stories that begin with the status quo, setting up the characters' ordinary life before shattering it into a million pieces.

Hopefully you found some of what I said helpful.

-Zoom





Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting.
— John Green