Hi TheRandomWriter,
Mailice here with a short review!
That was an interesting story you presented. You delivered the plot in an intriguing tone, but I think you could work on it a bit more to get a structure in your sentences. You create such long sentences that you can't even pause for breath in between. The problem then also lies in the tension. If you want to build up suspense, you have to keep the sentences short and to the point every now and then, and give out as little information as possible to give the reader the opportunity to think a little bit about what it could be. (To make him feel a bit like the narrator / characters feel something).
For example, here:
The year was 2025 and the pandemic was long over, nothing was ever going to be the same and I can't say things will get any better, but let's start from the beginni- well not the end but the beginning of it I can't explain why things turned out this way but maybe one day we'll find the answer, Irene thought maybe it was god, Irene was a lot she was my mom.. my friend and the best cook I had ever met.
This is your opening sentence and your first paragraph. Both are the same and although I like the introduction a lot, you can certainly shorten and split the sentence here several times to create a better flow for the reader. Later on, you write that it's a kind of record, but there should be a structure there too. You could rewrite the paragraph like this:
The year was 2025. The pandemic was long over but nothing was ever going to be the same. I can't say that things will get any better, but let's start from the beginning - well not the end but the beginning of it. I can't explain why things turned out this way but maybe one day we'll find the answer. Irene thought maybe it was God. Irene was a lot; she was my mom, my friend and the best cook I had ever met.
She grabbed her phone as usual and went straight for Snapchat, she texted her friend Emma they had known each other since 6th grade they were both 16 in the 11th grade and had been besties since they met.
Here too, you need to work a little on the sentences to get a structure into them. I notice more and more in the text that this is your main problem. You've created an interesting story so far, but the longer the sentences get, the less tension there is.
I think in terms of structure you're creating a story where you're already introducing the characters and you're also introducing them a little bit, what their characteristics are. I like that and I think that's how you should continue. So if you work on focusing on the other point, it helps to write the story in a much more exciting way. I would recommend reading over it again after you've written it to see if there's still a gap somewhere or if there's a part you don't like.
Otherwise, it was a good start for a short story.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
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