Upon Wide Seas
The lantern's low,
the moon is high,
We chart our way,
the time is nigh.
So say to your good lass farewell
We go at dawn, amongst the swell.
Off! We are away!
Let the sail strain!
It will be our day,
When all the sea is fain.
Now sails in good wind do fill,
Our destiny at Neptune's will.
Upon the prow,
Fair maiden's brow,
A'cutting through the waters now;
A'delving o'er the swell.
Dark skies above foreboding ill
Now do you hear the siren's trill?
Hold fast and do not lose your will.
For here he finds!
He who can't be tried,
These waters bind
Already has he died.
Deep amid the swell.
Now set the flag well at half-mast
We tread a sea of lives now past.
So careful not to make a splash,
Down upon the swell.
Rolling waves, we're cast away,
We find at last a sheltered bay.
And who can say what happened while,
We upon the waters wanderd,
Deep amongst the swell?
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi there Myth! I saw the words sea and shanty so I came a-running! Im a bit of a fan of those myself
I love the sort of rolling nature of this. You hit some of those tried and true images like maidens, the sea and it's energy, sails etc. OH, and death at sea. I like that its a bit somber: most shanties do feel like they have an undercurrent of doom and worry. Perhaps that's why they sang so much? To scare that fear away?
My struggles with this piece just come down to the rhythm of it. A lot of shanties are very rhythmic in their music. It's the same verse and chorus every time. This meanders a bit, and it was hard for me to follow exactly how you want me to sing this, because you do say its a shanty. You have several different rhyming schemes, and so several different beats going on.
My reccomendation would be to try to get a tighter rhyming scheme and chorus to match it. Perhaps it even changes halfway through if you like, or if its hard to shape the words so differently from how you have them now, but I think a little more order could do wonders.
Hope that helps,
~ Messy
Hello!
I've never seen a sea shanty on here, so i just had to give it a look.
The Bad:
One of the problems with posting a song in just lyric form is its hard to know what the melody of the song is. I think this suffers from that as well. The first chorus threw me off a bit, because the melody in my head broke on the third and forth lines.
It most likely works with the songs true melody, but I don't know what the melody is, and anyone else reading won't either. I also post lyrical/sung poems so I struggle with this as well, and there isn't really a way to fix it unless you link yourself singing it somehow.
Generally, it comes across as a sea shanty, but i'm not sure of its efficacy as a work song.
also, wandered is misspelled
The Good:
Its very enjoyable to read, it feels very robust and powerful. There is a bit of intrigue. Don't feel discouraged that this section is shorter, but I don't see the point in complimenting people for ages when that isn't really going to help them. Your verses are strong, and it is a good song. If you every produce it further, @ me!
Hello HildegardHope, thanks for your review!
You definitely pointed out the main flaw of the song, I think I may play around with the formatting about and see if that helps with communicating the melody.
I'm glad you enjoyed it nonetheless! It was fun to write and I may add to in the future.
np! good luck
Hello!
I've never seen a sea shanty on here, so i just had to give it a look.
The Bad:
One of the problems with posting a song in just lyric form is its hard to know what the melody of the song is. I think this suffers from that as well. The first chorus threw me off a bit, because the melody in my head broke on the third and forth lines.
It most likely works with the songs true melody, but I don't know what the melody is, and anyone else reading won't either. I also post lyrical/sung poems so I struggle with this as well, and there isn't really a way to fix it unless you link yourself singing it somehow.
Generally, it comes across as a sea shanty, but i'm not sure of its efficacy as a work song.
also, wandered is misspelled
The Good:
Its very enjoyable to read, it feels very robust and powerful. There is a bit of intrigue. Don't feel discouraged that this section is shorter, but I don't see the point in complimenting people for ages when that isn't really going to help them. Your verses are strong, and it is a good song. If you every produce it further, @ me!