16+ Language

The Illusion of Creation: Chapter 1

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

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The sky was a light shade of gray, the wind smelled of rain coming from the west. The small, yet normally busy town at this hour, was quiet. Only a few cars drove by as a girl in a red hoodie walked along the sidewalk returning home from school, she too was questioning the absence of life at the once lively intersection. She still walked however. Most people would rush to get home to try and avoid the coming wether, but she liked this new absence of people, if that were only the case. She could feel his presence lingering around like a bad odor. Despite this she refused to turn and face him, and continued her walk home. All of a sudden everything stopped, the wind no longer moved the tall grass on the other side of the road, or the drooping tree in front of her. The birds refused to play their cheery song, and in their place the cries of a crow. She too stopped, his presence was unbearable, she wanted it to stop. Slowly, she turned to face him.

He was taller than her, even though his whole body was not present. The lower half in question looked like it was sinking in a pool of thick black ink that blended with the rest of his cold black body. She knew he was not sinking, and that the black sludge was a part of him. His hair, or what one can presume was hair, stuck up and was pointy, like that of a mad scientist, which wasn't too far off from what he was. Above his head was a small black crown with a orange gem in the center. However the whole crown, even the gem, looked to be melting. She looked at his face, his eyes, oh those horrible soul piercing eyes. They were pure white, and only one had a small void, looking right at her. His smile she could see, it was as white as his eyes and curled into a sickening smile. Here he is, in all his royal black tar likeness. The Nightmare King.

“Oh my dear Creator, how long did you think you could keep me at bay for? If you thought I was gone for good then you are a fool.” The king laughed as he approached the Creator, the pool of black under him slowly formed into legs as he closed in on her. “You should know that I’m not that easily kept at bay like the other fools.” The Creator backed up slowly. “Are your little friends not here to protect you?” A black pool formed around the Creator and started to bubble. “Too bad.” The Creator froze as several tendrils came from the black and lunged towards her, there was no escape, and time seemed to slow.

It’s over, She thought. No escape, chances of survival, nonexistent. Is this, really it? As she was accepting her fate, there was a sudden flash of bright light. Everything around her disappeared as the light consumed everything. From a light there was a voice, and it spoke to her.

“Do not be afraid young one. There is a way to defeat the wicked king. You must travel across many worlds to find allies, they will help you, and I as well shall help you in this battle.” The voice spoke like that of an angel.

“Why can't you help me now? Where are you and why are you not here? Why can I not see you?” The Creator asked as she looked around the whiteness for the disembodied voice, but to no avail.

“I am in a world far from yours, you will find me when you are strong enough, but for now I must go. I can not keep the darkness at bay for long, I will send you to the first world, but be wary. The king will follow you, so you must be quick to find those who you seek.” The light started to fade, but the Creator was not yet satisfied.

“Wait! I haven't got your name! Please tell me who you are, how is the king here? I thought he was only-” But the white had faded, and everything was black and silent. She couldn't see. Can’t see, can’t see. Yet she could walk, and feel. She walked. Where, she did not know. As she walked she saw a mirror. “A mirror? How strange. It's so dark but I can still see it.” She looked in the mirror, and it was her, but not her. 

It was dark, the reflections short hair was jet black compared to her own blond short hair. The reflections teeth that of knifes in a crooked smile. It's eyes covered in shadows, but she could see, a slight glimmer of red where the right eye should have been. While it looked twisted and terrifying she was not scared. 

“You, it's you. Why are we here now? What got us here in the first place?” She asked, yet there was no point, because deep down she knew already. It was all her fault, or was it really?

The thing mouthed out some words, but the Creator could not hear them.

"What? I cannot hear you." She said pointing to her ears, shaking her head. The reflection sighed, it fogged up the mirror and wrote something out backwards so the Creator could read it. She squinted her eyes to read the text that was slowly fading.

Turn Around.

"What? Is someone behind me?" She asked doing exactly want the thing wanted her to do. It smiled, and the Creator heard a voice.

"No, but something is behind you now you innocent fool!!" Two arms grabbed her and dragged her into the mirror.

"Shit! You demon I thought you would help me! Why must you try and kill me every chance you get?! Gah! Why do I fall for you mask of false kindness!?" She shouted struggling against the demons arms, it only laughed.

"Oh sweet little fool, I will not kill you, not yet. I am in the same boat as you, I need you as much as your sorry ass is gonna need me. So I suggest we work together to get back home so I can stop being your friend and I can get back to getting you into another one of your "accidents" and taking your corps as my own. Do we have a deal?" She asked squeezing the Creator tightly. The Creator nodded, not having much of a choice at this point. The demon laughed. "Good."

The Creator felt a sharp pain, it wasn't her heart or lungs, or any organs for that matter. It was her soul. She watch as the thing tainted her soul of Heart, into meany different shapes, the soul of the Square, Circle, Triangle, Tear, Star, and Diamond. Then finally, the soul of the unrecognizable, the demons soul.

"Oh, did I forget to mention I brought a few friends along to share your soul as well? My bad dear." The creators soul turned back into the soul of Heart once more. She felt so tired, so heavy, all the souls, they were weighing her down. "Rest now my Creator, we will arrive at the next world soon. In the mean time I will look for your little friends in this blank abyss you call a mind" She said snarining as she vanished.

She closed her eyes, and let the darkness take hold of her fragile, heavy soul.

(Hello! This story is still in production and will be coming out with more soon, this is only chapter 1, this story will contain blood and language later on so i'm leaving it 16 just in case, might make a cleaner version as well as updates to any errors. Also might be making an ask blog or just an art blog if people want to know more about the characters. More about that in the next chapter or next update) 

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Quinine
Review
Quinine wrote a review · Sat May 05, 2018 1:13 am

Nice, here's my review.

The beginning seems a bit confusing, especially at first. I think some word-building would do well, rather than new readers asking questions.

"It’s over, She thought. No escape, chances of survival, nonexistent. Is this, really it? As she was accepting her fate, she saw a bright light, and it spoke to her."
First of all, there's a unnecessary comma, and with thoughts you italicize rather than quoting. Also, for such a dramatic moment, I think it should pack a bit of punch, you know what I mean?

"where most would rush to get home she liked the absence of people"
This sentence is nonsensical, please revise it.

"She shouted struggling agents the demons arms,"
I think you mean against.

Overall, I think this story has a myriad very promising elements, but there are many ways to make this even better-proofreading would do a world of good, as there seem to be a fair amount of grammatical errors, in addition to some world-building. But kudos to you on your description skills and creativity!

User avatar
Bellarke
Review

Hullo, Liz here. I might write a fairly small review but who knows....

First off: The thoughs of your characters....

"‘It’s over,’ She thought. ‘No escape, chances of survival, nonexistent. Is this, really it?’ As she was accepting her fate, she saw a bright light, and it spoke to her."

Her thoughts would not be in quotation marks, make them italicized.

Secondly: In the following paragraph, you could make it easier to read. And you can also make it more than one paragraph.
"“Wait! I haven't got your name! Please tell me who you are, how is the king here? I thought he was only-” But the white had faded, and everything was black and silent. She couldn't see. Can’t see, can’t see. Yet she could walk, and feel. She walked to where she did not know. As she walked she saw a mirror. “A mirror? How strange. It's so dark but I can still see it.” She looked in the mirror, and it was her, but not her. It was dark, the reflections short hair, jet black compared to her own blond short hair. Her teeth that of knifes in a crooked smile. Her eyes covered in shadows, but she could see, a slight glimmer of red where the right eye should have been. While it looked twisted and terrifying she was not scared. “You, I know you. I made you, but why? Why are we here now? What got us here in the first place?” She asked, yet there was no point, because deep down she knew already. It was all her fault, or was it really?"

And Overall: I liked it, the way that you write is magnificent. You did a great job. Keep writing, i am interested in reading it!

Ah, Thank you! I fixed most of what you said but I think there is only one thing I need to change. Also I added a bit more, and i'm glad you like it! Hopefully if i'm not to busy chapter 2 will come out later this week!



Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan