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138,209 Literary Works • 672,084 Reviews
Hi Mandore,
Two guesses as to who this is.
I almost always love your poetry, but I can't honestly say I liked this.
To me, the words seemed muddled or disjointed. I felt like I kept picking up a thread only to have it yanked out of my hand again and again.
As always, the words you chose are pretty and potent, but I felt like I had to jump from one to the next before I had time to take in my surroundings.
I hope this doesn't sound overwhelmingly negative. I am, as always, looking forward to reading more of your poetry.
music, because:
For my bird:
Spoiler
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYEDA3JcQqw&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErCAOMi5EGM&ob=av3e
you never belonged in a cage.
find your freedom somehow.
From what I can tell, this piece suggests imagery of a ritualistic suicide or human sacrifice. However, a lot of this piece seems like fluff with random words and lines tossed in for good measure. Indeed, a lot of it just seems like purposeful obfuscation with the aim of pretending to mean something while meaning nothing at all.
For example:
Each line by itself sounds good, but taken together it's a mess. None of the lines relate to one another, and you jump from image to image without dwelling on anything. That is not in and of itself a bad technique, but the words you chose just seem random. It seems like you went with these words simply because it sounded poetic.
Overall, though, I did get a sense of the scene and I assume some of the messy imagery is meant to convey confusion. However, I would suggest going on a metaphor diet.
Having read your "spoiler" where you criticized the work, let me point out some positive observations. You demonstrate a wide vocabulary and write with a level of detail that adds flavour to your work.
andExamples:
Ultimately, you may be correct in saying it has a "weak ending" but the end is for you to decide and the last line seems okay. Feel free to edit it later though if you choose.
Sincerely,
Elitehusky