[Before we start:
cripple (n.)
Old English crypel (one who creeps, halts, or limps, one partly or wholly deprived of the use of one or more limbs), related to cryppan (to crook, bend), from Proto-Germanic krupilaz (source also of Old Frisian kreppel, Middle Dutch cropel, German krüppel, Old Norse kryppill. Possibly also related to Old English creopan (to creep) creopere, literally creeper, was another Old English word for "crippled person). Crippled is past participle form of Cripple.]
The woman looked at the flowers. It was fresh and new, the smell spread throughout her room. She knew who sent those, and that was the reason why she did not touch those flowers.
Sophia Relisha was known for being a non spoken person. She had never uttered any words since her son and daughter in law brought her here. It has been three years since.
She looked at the picture of a little girl which she kept with her from the very first.
“Mrs. Relisha? May I come in?” A familiar voice of a man came into her room.
“Yes.” She replied, it was always been like this. She did not speak anything else than yes or no.
“You have a visitor.” The woman gave him an unpleasant look. “He is no one from family members.”
Even though she never allowed anyone, she told him to send the man to her. She did not know why she agreed to see him, but something in her told her to.
“Sorry to disturb you at this hour, may I come in ma’am?” An unfamiliar voice of a man, who seemed to be pretty young, was heard.
“Yes please. Make yourself home.” She looked at him as she spoke. His eyes were dull, dark circles were clearly visible.
“I came here for an interview. I wanted to know if people here are taking care of you properly or not.” He said in a monotonous tone.
“Go ahead and ask what you want to.” She said before examining him for one last time.
"So what difficulties do you face in your condition?...I mean, what does it feel like to be...uh..."
"A cripple?" She replied as she turned her wheelchair and looked at him. She kept staring at him without saying anything, as if she was judging him.
"I didn't mean to be rude. Sorry." He said without any hint of guilt in his eyes.
"No, you haven't." She replied with a faint smile and said, "I think we all know how it feels. Don't we?"
He was confused and also irritated that he had multiple interviews to take at the old age home.
"What? You didn't get me, did you"
He shook his head.
"You know, all of us, get crippled at least once." She again looked at him and continued,
"Ever felt completely lost?"
He opened his mouth to say something but he couldn't.
She continued, "You want to write but you can't, you want to draw but you can't? You're not able to sing or play your favourite instruments, losing the game you were always passionate about? Have you ever been at a loss for ideas? Have you ever thought about ending your life? Ever felt worthless?"
He nodded without saying anything, he kept his head down. He didn't want to look at her anymore because he understood what she wanted to explain.
"That's how it feels to be crippled." She ended her words and went off towards her bed in wheelchair, leaving him alone with thousand and one thoughts.
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
It is an excellent story. I like your idea and concept it was creative. Keep it up!
I like the concept of the story and comparing being physically cripple and mentally. I like the message she gives to the reporter
It is relatable and the reader understands what you are trying to tell us.
I do agree with the other reviews that there are some wording issues.
It seems a little odd using “those” rather than “them”. I’m assuming there are only one set of flowers.
This wording seems a little off, try rewording it like this:
“It has since been three years.”
Again, this part seems odd, as if there are some words missing at the end.
I am assuming you mean: “He is not one of your family members.” or “He is not from your family.”
Again, some words were missing. You could also try:
“ … she told him to allow the man to come in to see her.”
This next one could be shorter.
Try rewording it like:
“A young unfamiliar voice was heard.”
Again, this one could be a little more concise.
Try replacing ‘and’ with ‘to look at him’.
This next part has some punctuation issues:
Lastly,
Now, I’m going to touch a little on your story structure and inconsistencies. It shouldn’t be too much.
One part I was confused about was when you told us that Mrs. Relisha has never uttered a word. Then you tell us that she only answers with ‘yes’ or ‘no. But then we read her reply:
Perhaps sticking more closely to one or the other, and then you can add in your story how she decided that today was the day that she would actually talk to someone.
The other inconsistency was the placement of Mrs. Relisha. You begin to tell us that she looks at the young man when he enters and explains how she looks him over, examines him, and speaks to him.
However, you then have this sentence.
At first I thought she was sitting in her wheelchair talking to the man face to face, but all of a sudden she is not looking at him and has to turn herself around to look at him. I didn’t find any evidence of her turning away for you to mention that ‘she turned her wheelchair’.
These are just my two cents. I hope this will help with your structure and improve your grammar skills! Obviously, please take what you find is helpful and throw away the rest!
Great work on your first published story!
Keep up the great work!
Sincerely, Becca Blue
This is a fantastically interesting idea and I love it! However, my main problem is the occasional grammar error that takes me out of the story and snaps me out of the illusion. In the future, a proof read or two could help you sift those out. The part of this story where the old woman describes the feel of being crippled to the journalist really tugged at the heartstrings for me and I think that was excellently done! So to conclude, in the future give it a few proof reads to sift out any grammatical errors. Excellent work! I hope to see more from you!
Hey, Nicole here to do a review.
So first of all I want to say
the idea of this story is great. Being mentally crippled is very interesting.
And the story line is great, but I did notice a few mistakes. You may want to experament with changing
Some words around. It was a little hard to understand, and get into. You may want to change the beginning a little. To be more specific you said at one point in paragh 6 ''it was always been like this. She did not speak anything else than yes or no.'' You may want to change ''it was allways been like this to, it had always been like this, or it always had been like this. There was not much other than that. so I would suggest just changing some words around. So overall o would say it was good.
Keep on writing
Nicole
Thanks a bunch for giving me some of your precious time%u2764%uFE0F. I'll keep your words on my mind%u2764%uFE0F thanks again for your review. It means a lot to me.
Hello!! Here for a review!!!
I really liked that concept of being mentally crippled! You also showed that physically she was crippled, but I liked the mentally being crippled concept more!
At first, let us come to a few nitpicks:
I think you can put a - between non and spoken.
I suggest to put a ‘that’ after since
No other nitpicks about it.
Overall:
It was a bit off to be honest but there is nothing to worry about. You can make it better. It was not that catching. I suggest you to expand it and make it more descriptive and also make it clear. There are thousands of questions– who she actually was?? Why she didn't talk? It was a bit vague. You can do it. I would like to see the modified version of it.
Keep writing!!!
~Forever
Thanks a lot for giving my work, I'll keep each of your words in my mind. There are more about her in the 5th chapter of my story. I'll post that here soon %u2764%uFE0F