PROLOGUE
Bags in our hands, we return to our little town. My cousin smiles at me, and I smile back. Then, a scream tears through the air. Sharp. Piercing.
I don’t think. I just run. My heart slams against my ribs, the scream still echoing in my ears. My cousin calls out, but his voice fades as something tightens in my chest—panic, maybe. Or something deeper.
My feet hit the dirt path, fast and frantic, breath burning in my throat. The ground shifts beneath me, slick and dark. Blood. Thick and glistening. The coppery scent curls in my stomach.
Familiar faces- Mom’s gentle smile, Dad’s stern gaze- lie still. Motionless. Lifeless.
Their bodies crumpled like discarded dolls. Zylos, tossed aside. My knees buckle. I collapse, trembling.
And the silence that follows, is louder than any scream.
1.The Arrival
It’s Sunday. I don’t like Sundays. They remind you that tomorrow is Monday. And I don’t like Mondays. I don’t like a lot of things. I don’t like how my hair is always a mess. And I don’t like that all my candy disappears, then no one admits who ate it. I sit up on my bed and rub my eyes. The sunlight peaks through my window, warming the wooden floorboards and casting soft, golden shadows. I may not like Sundays, but I like this Sunday. Because today, I will see my best friend.
His name is Gon. He’s a little older than me but just by a year. He liked to brag about it a lot when we were kids. Back when he was 12, he left the island to become a hunter. He came back a few months later with his new Hunter’s License. He brought a friend, but I don’t really remember their name though.
It has been 6 years since I last saw Gon. After he visited, he and his friend immediately left to go to York New City. I stretch my arms and legs and slide out of bed. I live with Gon’s aunt because my parents died long ago. Her name is Aunt Mito, she is very sweet but very strict. Aunt Mito and I go outside so we can walk to the docks.
The sky greets us as we step outside, a canvas of vivid blue brushed with delicate clouds. The salty tang of the breeze tickles my nose, carrying the scent of the ocean over the docks. A ship sits on the horizon, shimmering like a distant mirage. The waves lap at the shore with rhythmic whispers.
“I can’t wait to finally see my little Gon!” Aunt Mito exclaims. I can hardly wait either. Gon has sent letters, but we miss the physical Gon. We miss his voice; I miss his voice. He’s my best friend after all.
“HEYY!” a voice yells, “HEYY! AUNT MITO! EL!” We look over and there is a ship in the distance, then I see a little green dot.
“OH MY GOD!” I scream, “GONN!!”
“ELLL!!!”
He looks a lot like he used to but way older. I look at his side and his friend is with him. The same one from all those years ago. And a girl. Did Gon get a girlfriend? Gon and the two next to him get off the ship and immediately rush over to me and Aunt Mito.
“Aunt Mito!” Gon exclaims. He rushes to her and gives her a big hug. I guess he still is a little kid at heart. But it’s weird, seeing him taller than Aunt Mito.
“This is Killua, you have already met him though, and this is Alluka!” He explains. Alluka looks around 15 or 16 and Killua looks like Gon’s age.
“It’s so nice to see you both! I missed you guys so much.” Gon sighs while hugging us both this time. He pulls back and uncertainty washes in his eyes. “Okay… Now… The truth… Aunt Mito, please don’t get mad, but we are only staying for like a week.” Gon starts, “I know it has been like- what- 3 years? 4 years? 5? I don’t know. BUT ANYWAY, we are just staying for this week.” My jaw clenches and I squeeze my fists tight, ready to punch him. I take a breath so I don’t uppercut him. Okay, El. Just calm down.
“You’re leaving?! But you have been gone forever!” I yell.
“Ok, let’s talk about this in the house…” Aunt Mito rushes us all to the top of the hill where our tiny little house is.
“Sorry,” I sigh when we get home, “It’s just that you are so selfish! You finally see us after six years and decide to only stay here for a week?!” He is silent. “Gon, I know that you love to explore the world and go on exciting adventures, but me and Aunt Mito miss you. Life on the island is boring without you here. You are the only person that I interact with on the island! I mean, yeah there’s other people but I don’t like to socialize! You know that! Please don’t leave me. You were gone for so long…”
Suddenly, Gon looks at me with that stupid grin.
“You wanna come?”
2. Sunset Whispers
“What do you mean does she wanna come?!” Killua asks while crossing his arms.
“I mean does she wanna come? Are you deaf or something big head?” Gon replies. I am shocked. Is this an actual question or is he saying this just to be nice?
“Well… Do you?” He raises an eyebrow.
I nod. “I do.”
“Ok” Gon shrugs, “Then when we leave, you will come too. We are going to this place called Oslo City. We have some friends, so we are planning to stay with them.” I nod again.
We all sit down to eat lunch. I sit next to the girl named Alluka.
“Hi! I’m El.” I say.
“I know! Gon talks a lot about you! I’m Alluka!” She smiles. I smile back. She seems nice. I feel eyes on me, then Gon’s friend, Killua, comes next to me.
“Are you that girl from the last time I came here, like- what- 6 years ago?” he asks.
“I am. The last time I saw you, we were like 12. You look good.” I reply.
“Yeah, you do as well...” He looks away.
“Thanks!... Are you hiding from me…?” I tease.
“WHAT? NO!” He blushes. I roll my eyes, say uh huh, then finish my sandwich.
After, I show Killua and Alluka around the island while Gon gets his so called “Beauty Sleep”. We go to the beach, the forest, the little shops and then finally walk back home.
“So…” Killua says, “You’re old friends with Gon?” Alluka is running up ahead. I don’t blame her though; it is beautiful out. There is a colorful sunset, and it is just amazing outside right now.
“Yeah. We met when I was 7. And ever since then, I have been with him and Aunt Mito” I reply. Killua looks at me while we are walking.
“But what about your parents? They just let you go and live with Aunt Mito and Gon? Or do they work a lot?” He asks. I look up at the sky of purples, pinks, blues, and yellows.
“They aren’t here anymore… They died when I was just 6 years old. I remember that day so well. I can’t forget it. No matter how much I want to.” I tell him.
“Oh my God… that sounds like a living hell… When you were 6…? El…” I look at him, forcing a smile with tears in my eyes.
“It’s ok. I’m fine.” He stops walking and pulls me into a hug.
“I may have only met you twice but that is enough for me to say that you need to stop saying that. You don’t need to lie just because you don’t want to put the burden on anyone else. You can’t just let that stay inside of you. It will break you. It’s ok to be not ok. You can always share anything with me. I will listen. You’re my friend now. Tell me anything, no matter how absurd. I will listen to you.” I’m speechless. No one has ever said anything like that to me. Tears roll down my cheeks.
“Thank you.” I wipe my tears off my face with my sleeve. I look at his hoodie and there is mascara and tear stains on it.
“Oh- I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean-”
“It’s fine. I can always get a new one. Plus, you seem cold, here.” He takes off his hoodie and throws it in my face. “ Keep it.” I smile. That meant the world to me. It really did. How come I barely met the guy and yet, I trust him completely?
3. Candy Connections
On the last day that we are here, we decide to go out to eat with some of Gon and Killua’s old friends. I’m pretty sure that one of them is named Lay or Oreo or something stupid like that. The sky is filled with light grey clouds. It is chilly and gives you a comforting feeling when you are inside. We get to the restaurant, and it is just a casual diner. I see people waving at us. I’m pretty sure those are the friends Gon and Killua mentioned. We walk over to them.
“Well, if it isn’t Gon and Killua!” One of them exclaimed.
“In the flesh.” Gon answered. Then the tall one looks over and sees me and Alluka.
“Who are these young ladies? Anything special? Lovers maybe?” Just then me and Alluka burst out laughing.
“US? THEIR LOVERS??” Alluka laughed, “Me? Dating Gon? That is hilarious! And don’t get me started on if I dated Killua!! That would be just wrong! And that is Gon’s friend, El!! I don’t think she has any interest in either of them” The tall one looked surprised and then laughs too.
“Oh my God! Sorry!” He says while wiping a tear, “I can’t believe I thought that you and Killua had a thing! My name is Leorio, nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too!” I say politely. I look over to the person on Leorio’s right. It’s this blonde guy. He seems about 25.
“My name is Kurapika. It’s nice to meet you two.” He quietly adds.
“Oh, cool! How did you meet Gon and Killua?” I ask. Kurapika and Leorio look at me like I just said something stupid.
“We met at the Hunter Exam. We all did. Me, Gon, Killua, and Leorio.” Kurapika says. Oh, is that how they met? I never really gave thought into how Killua and Gon met. Come to think of it, how did Killua and Gon meet Alluka? The waitress sits us down at a cozy looking booth. I am in the middle of Alluka and Killlua. Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio are on the other side.
“I’M SOO HUNGRYYY! I’M GONNA DIIEEE!” Gon says. The diner goes silent. Everyone is looking at Gon and you can hear a few snickers here and there.
“GON! YOU BIG BACK! WE ARE ABOUT TO ORDER!!” Killua whisper shouts. Gon just shrugs.
“Hi! My name is Kendra! I will be your waitress today! Is there anything I can get you started on?” We all order our drinks.
“Ok! I will be out with those in a minute!” She happily states. Small talk starts around the table. Kurapika and Gon are chatting, Killua, Leorio, and Alluka as well. I have been wanting my favorite candy all week. Now is the perfect time to get it. We have a good 15 minutes until our food comes out and everyone else is just yapping. I sneak under the table and Killua notices. He doesn’t say anything, and I figure he will assume I’m just using the bathroom or something. I walk out of the diner and cross the street to get to the candy shop.
“What are you doing?” Someone says. I look over and it’s Killua.
“Oh I’m- uhh…” He looks at the sign that I’m standing under.
“Sweet Delights? The candy store? Are you seriously getting candy right now? We are about to have dinner!”
“ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?” I reply.
“WHAT- NO!!” He responds. Then silence.
“What candy are you getting?”
“My favorite.”
“And that is?”
“Obviously the only right answer; Chocolate Robots.” His eyes widen.
“YOUR FAVORITE CANDY IS CHOCOLATE ROBOTS??” He yells. I nod, a little confused why he said it like that.
“THAT’S MY FAVORITE!!” He says. I laugh a little and clear my throat.
“Can we buy some?” He looks at me like I just asked if the sky was blue.
“Duh” He grabs my hand and pulls me into the shop.
4. Sweets and Secrets
We get the chocolate robots and head back to the restaurant. Our food was just put down. I got waffles.
“Where have you two been? And what were you doing?” Gon interrogates. A slight blush hints at Killua’s cheeks.
“GON! IT’S NOT LIKE THAT!” He shouts, flustered.
“OH MY GOD GON YOU ARE SO IMMATURE.” My voice raises. Me and Killua sit down, both of us blushing and annoyed.
“But really. What were you two doing?” Alluka asks.
“Fine. If you really want to know, we were getting Chocolate Robots.” He says. They all laugh.
“What’s so funny?” I question.
“Oh, I think it’s cute!” Alluka smiles. Killua flicks her.
“OW! What the hell?!” He just smirks at her. I laugh. He makes eye contact with me and breaks it the next second.
“That’s what you get dummy.” He replies. Alluka sticks her tongue out at him. He rolls his eyes. I laugh. It is so warm here. You can tell it’s peaceful, and no one is at each other’s throats.
Later that night, Me and Alluka are laying in our beds in my room.
“So…. How did you meet Killua and Gon” I ask. She looks at me and laughs.
“Haha! I’m Killua’s sister. Killua Zoldyck and Alluka Zoldyck.” She speaks. I look at her in shock.
“Oh! I thought you were Gon’s girlfriend.” I reply.
“Yeah, there’s no way in hell.” She bluntly states. “But… Speaking of being someone’s girlfriend…”
“Can you keep a secret?” She asks. I nod in response. She takes a deep breath.
“I’m dating this guy...” She says. That catches me by surprise and my words come out faster and louder than intended.
“OHMYGODWHO?” I yell.
“SSSSHHH! I will tell you, just please be quiet!”
“Ok, Ok, Sorry.”
“His name is Kai.” She smiles.
“Have you told Killua?” I ask.
“Hell no!” She laughs.
“He is way too protective. He would probably kill him.”
“Hahah. Yeah, you’re probably right. I swear I won’t tell him.” I promise.
“Thank you. Now… What was that earlier with you and Killua? Like, yeah, you were both getting candy, but is there anything that happened?” She turns over towards me, waiting for my response.
“Oh, not much, really. I found out that his favorite candy is the same as mine and then we got some. That’s about it.” I say tiredly. I snuggle into the oversized hoodie he gave me previously. It smells like cologne with and how it smells right after it rained.
“Aw man. I was wanting some romance…” She says, a little disappointed. I throw a pillow in her face.
“Alluka, you can’t expect life to be like your romance novels or like a 2000’s movie. C’mon, it’s 11:00 pm. We need to wake up early in the morning to pack.” I say, changing the topic.
“Fine. But yeah, let’s get some sleep so we aren’t caffeine addicted zombies in the morning. I don’t wanna look like a panda.” She laughs. I hug a stuffie and think about how his hand touched mine.
The next thing I know, light shines through the windows.
5. Unseen Intentions
“BYE AUNT MITO!” Me and Gon scream. Killua and Alluka are already boarding the ship. I give Aunt Mito a hug and run off. Killua smiles at me while I’m running to the ship. I finally make it and Gon is already there.
“Slowpoke.” I shoot Gon a dirty look and catch my breath.
“You’re just faster than I am, idiot.” He smiles and walks onto the ship. I follow.
“OVER HERE!” Alluka shouts. I run over and bump into this tall man.
“Sorry!” I say then walk off.
“Watch it. Do you know who I am?” The man says. I look back at him.
“I’m sorry what?” I ask.
“I said-”
“No. I heard what you said. But I really don’t care who you are.” He looks at me and laughs.
“Well fine. Why don’t I show you who I am? Because last time I checked, I’m a lot bigger than you. I could probably crush you with one hand.” He remarks.
“Please. Like you could ever do that. You’re all-” The man reaches towards me.
“What’s going on here.” Killua interrupts coldly, he grabs my arm and pulls me to him.
“Oh, me and this… girl… were just having a chat.” Killua’s eyes turn cold.
“It didn’t look like you were just trying to talk to her. She looked uncomfortable and really scared. Also, I saw you trying to reach for her. And it didn’t look like she gave you the permission to.” The tall man didn’t say anything.
“Now, get away from me and her or else..” The man backs off and goes under the deck. Killua looks at me.
“What was that all about?” He asks.
“I-I don’t know but thank you so much for saving me.” I exhale. He smiles.
“No problem. You obviously seemed uncomfortable, and I wasn’t going to just sit around and watch.” He speaks. We walk over to Gon and Alluka, his hand still on my arm.
“Hey.” Killua says, “When we supposed to get there?”
“Like, twelve hours.” Gon replies. Killua gives him a thumbs up. Alluka pulls me away from the two and drags me to the other side.
“El.” She speaks. I raise my eyebrows in question.
“Yeah?” I ask.
“This is turning into one of my romance novels.”
I roll my eyes and drag her back to the two idiots.
6. The Truth I Didn’t Expect
The sun is setting, and we still have 9 hours until we get to the docks. Me and Alluka go to the captain to ask where the passenger rooms are. He directs us down the hallway, and we thank him. We walk down the hall, but the doors say taken.
“Oh no. So far, all the rooms have been taken. We might not be able to sleep.” Alluka tells me. We continue to walk down the hall and finally there is one room left.
“Thank God.” I sigh.
“Well, there is only one so unfortunately we will have to share it with those stinky guys.” Alluka laughs.
“Crap. Well, whatever, at least we get a room. Right?” I ask. She nods. We go upstairs and find Killua chasing Gon, and Gon screaming.
“GON!” Killua yells.
“YOU LIKE EL!!!”
“YEAH! AS A FRIEND!” Killua argues. Then, Killua grabs Gon and hits him in the head.
“You stupid big head.” Just then Killua sees me and Alluka.
“Oh- How long have you been standing here?” He asks awkwardly.
“When you were chasing Gon…” Alluka says while looking uncomfortable. Then, the words start repeating in my head. Killua likes El. Killua likes El. Wait. I’M EL!!! KILLUA LIKES ME!! Wait. He likes me? Killua. Likes. Me? I realize that I am in my head then snap back to reality.
“Sorry about that. Gon asked my opinion of you, and I said that I liked you. He obviously first thought that I meant romantically. That dummy.” Killua tells me. Oh. Again, I have gotten over my head and got my hopes up. If my hopes were up about him liking me… Do I actually like Killua? Like romance wise? I definitely noticed Killua, and I do think he is pretty cool. He has a cool sense of fashion, kinda like a skater. He has amazing, bright white hair as well. He has beautiful deep blue eyes, and he is really tall. Oh no. I have fallen in love with Killua Zoldyck.
7. Our Little Secret
“YOU WHAT?!” Alluka yells while we are brushing our teeth.
“I just told you. I think I like your brother…” I whisper quietly because the boys are in the room setting up blankets for us all. Killua and Gon rush in.
“Alluka! Are you alright?! We heard you yell!” Killua exclaims. I shoot Alluka a death glare. She pretends not to notice.
“Oh- sorry big brother! It’s just that there was a spider and El said ‘SPIDER’ and so we both started freaking out.” She says. Killua and Gon exchange glances.
“I can kill it for you.” Gon states. I think of something fast.
“Uhm- no you can’t! because we don’t know where it went!!” I say. Killua looks at me suspiciously.
“Okay… If you say so… Also, El, you’re afraid of spiders?” He questions. I look around with nervousness in my eyes.
“uhm- yeah- they have way too many legs. It’s not natural. Also, they can be deadly and fuzzy.” I shiver at the thought of one.
“Huh.” Killua says, “Well, just yell for me if you see one.” He walks out of the bathroom and continues to set up our sleep areas for the night.
“Okay… If my besties are okay, Imma go help Killua out with that. We have like 8 hours before we get to Oslo.” Gon says. I give him a thumbs up and he leaves.
“Alluka!!” I confront, “You can’t be so loud! What if you repeated what I said?! Killua would’ve heard!” She scratches the back of her head.
“Yeah sorry. About that. But it’s crazy! Honestly, you two would be cute together.” She teases. My face goes red.
“Oh my God. You get flustered so easily. You had better pray that Killua doesn’t like you back then. He’s a flirt.” She warns. Oh great. Of course he does. But I do want him to like me.
We go out to the room and Killua and Gon had set up a big heap of blankets into one big bed mash thing.
“That’s what we are sleeping on?” Alluka asks confused. Killua and Gon just shrug.
“What? Do you have a problem with it?” Gon asks. We shake our heads. We get changed into our pajamas and I try not to think that I am sleeping just a few inches from the boy that I like.
8. Her Secret
I wake up and it’s still dark out. I check the time, it’s 2:18 in the morning. I try to go back to sleep but I can’t. I walk upstairs to the deck. The wind is blowing peacefully, and you can taste the salt in the air. The stars are lighting up the sky. The ocean is quiet and clear. It is beautiful. Just then a big wave hits and throws me off balance.
“I got you!” Someone yells. They grab my hand and stop me from falling. They help me get back on my feet and I finally get a glance of who it is. It’s a girl. She is a little taller than me and she is pretty.
“Thanks” I tell her.
“It’s no problem! It would’ve been bad if you fell. The floor is dirty, and you get splinters. I know from experience.” We both laugh.
“I’m El.”
“I’m Iris.” The name Iris really fits her. She has a pink afro with beautiful caramel eyes that match her skin. Honestly, I’m jealous. I have very long, black hair that is curly but not as curly as hers. She must be at least 5’7 while I’m only 5’5. Her eyes look sweeter than syrup while mine are just pure gray, not like blue grey or a green grey like most grey eyed people. Just gray. A light gray. I wish I were her.
“Uhm… Hello?” She says.
“Oh sorry. I’m in my head quite a lot. Bad trait of mine.” I tell her.
“I think it makes you look like a dreamer. Dreamers are cool.” She smiles.
“So, what are you going to do in Oslo city?” She asks.
“Oh. I am staying with some people. I don’t really know. I just tagged along with my friends.”
“Oh! Cool! I’m going to my older brother’s house to see him. He lives in downtown Oslo City. I’m pretty sure he said that he was having some friends stay for a night or two. I have met them, and I think one is kinda cute. He has cool green hair, and he is such a sweet guy.”
“Wait- Green?!” She purses her lips.
“Uh- yeah… I know that sounds weird, but he totally rocks it.”
“Uhm- Iris. What is his name if you don’t mind me asking…” She is startled by this question but regains herself.
“It’s- Oh Frick, it’s not like you know him or anything. His name is Gon” she says while blushing a little bit.
“GON?! LIKE GON FREECSS?!” She jumps. Her face goes bright red like a ripe tomato ready to pluck.
“Oh my God. YOU KNOW HIM?!”
“He is my childhood friend! He is on this ship! He is literally asleep under this very deck!” She seemed shocked. I wonder what Killua would think.
“Perfect.”
9. Blushing In the Dark
“Perfect?” I ask. She looks at me and smiles.
“Perfect! Since y’all are going to my big bro’s house, I can take you there! Besides, I’m headed there myself so it’s a win double win!”
“Double win. Not only do I get to show you around, but I also get to see Gon!” I laugh.
“You really are in love!”
“Yeah- Oops…” She speaks. I find it funny. It seems like he is always on her mind. Is that what it means to be in love? Do I think of Killua all the time?
“I’m guessing Gon is with Killua?” I nod my head.
“Yeah. And Alluka!” Her face lights up.
“Oh my god! Alluka is here?!?” Iris exclaims.
“Yeah! I’m getting tired so I’m going to head back to bed! Come find me in the morning, I will be with the gang already.” I tell her as I yawn. She gives me a thumbs up and I start walking to my room.
I am walking to my room, and I see Killua walking through the halls in his hoodie and sweatpants.
“I woke up and you weren’t next to Alluka,” he says groggily, “I was just going to look for you. Where were you?”
“Oh yeah. Sorry about that, I couldn’t sleep so I went up to the deck to look at the ocean.” He looks at me.
“You know, you could’ve just woken me up. I wouldn’t mind.” I blush.
“Are you ok? Your face is red.”
“Oh- Uh- Yeah- I- I’m- F- Fine! Never been better” I clench my jaw.
“Are you sick?” He reaches his hand to check my temperature. I back up immediately.
“WOAH WOAH WOAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?” I say urgently. He takes his hand back.
“Oh- I’m sorry- I didn’t-“ He starts.
“No, I’m sorry, I freaked out. I don’t know why I did. I’m so dumb”
“You aren’t dumb.” He tells me. I roll my eyes.
"Sure." I say.
"It's true. You're smarter than me! I know that for a fact."
"You just met me." He puts his hand on my shoulder, bends down so he is at my height, and looks at me directly in my eyes. I feel like I'm about to faint.
"I don't need a reason to think it. I just know it, okay?" I laugh.
"Okay!" He smiles at me.
"C'mon, I am tired." He grabs my hand and leads me back to the room with Alluka and Gon already sleeping. I lay down on me and Alluka's side of the heap of blankets then shut my eyes.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hallo Hop! Looks like I found a story of yours in the Green Room, so let’s get started.
I only watched a little of HunterxHunter so… I hope I’m not going to be too lost ^^
My first thought is that you could have done a little better setting the scene for the prologue. Give me something tangible, let me experience the peacefulness of the town and the warmness of the day before the scream destroys everything.
Other than that I found the prologue very intriguing!
I find your OC very well integrated in Ch1. Idk why Mito would take her in, maybe you could focus a bit on their relationship and how it came to be? But I like how she interacts with Gon, and that it feels like they could really have grown up together ^^
Ah but it seems like you have a bit of a problem with using “say”. It’s a perfectly fine speech tag, don’t be afraid to use it.
Also, rejoice for I can give you dialogue formatting tips to. Behold this sentence:
“sigh” is not a speech tag. Try sighing AND saying something at the same time. Is this really how you want this interaction to go? Or don’t you mean that she says “Sorry” then sighs and then continues? Because if that’s the case, your commas need to turn into periods. Bascially like this
[I can kinda see El actually “sighing” the word “Sorry” so this might work like this 😉
It doesn’t really work for “shrug” at all. Shrug is not a speech tag. You need to put it like this here:
Hmm I feel like you could work a little more on your descriptions. Try weaving them in between your dialogue. Right now I have no idea what their surroundings look like or what kinda expressions the characters have. Or how they are standing in relation to each other.
I really appreciate Killua’s speech in CH2 😊
I relate to the feeling of “not wanting to waste time waiting for food and doing something productive meanwhile” in CH3. I just don’t understand why it’s Killua noticing her leaving and not Gon, her actual friend from before 😊
Hmm I feel like it’s a bit too soon for Alluka to confide in El like that. They haven’t been travelling for that long and well, if she hasn’t told anyone else, what really sparked her trust in El here and not in any of the others? It feels a bit forced, like you the author really wanted this connection to happen without putting in the effort to show why Alluka would trust El.
In Ch5 I feel a bit overwhelmed because things are happening way to quickly and you barely describe anything
I really like this “Killua likes El. Killua likes El. Wait. I’M EL!!! KILLUA LIKES ME!!” That’s cute :3
Well at least El shares her own secret with Alluka. There’s nothing but a nice bit of female-female friendship 😊
Well with Iris I don’t find it so strange that she shares who she likes with El. It was literally just some girl talk with a stranger and she didn’t expect her to know Gon.
Girl, descriptions, I need them!! You cant have an entire chapter being almost exclusively dialogue. Where are they? How are they looking while they are saying their lines? You are leaving so many juicy emotional beats on the table! THE ROMANCE, HOP, THE ROMANCE!!!!
All in all, cute idea :3 Needs more descriptions xd
Ahhh I forgot this existed omggggg
Thank you for all of your feedback thooooooo everyone is always saying like "oh this is so good" and not giving me genuine feedback so I really appreciate this!!!
Also, I updated the document but I never updated it to yws!!! I never thought that someone would come back and read this so I never bothered!!!!
I added a lot more details and made more things make sense because I did feel like it was heavily rushed.
But yeah, thank you soooooooo much!!!!
Hey there, friend! The Rebel here for a review, from Team Aliens (hehe). I am kinda rusty here since I haven't done a review in a long while -- also, I haven't really watched Hunter x Hunter (just a couple of eps, currently watching Fate/Zero and rewatching Vinland Saga, I will get to HxH soon enough) but I am aware of the characters, the settings, the locations and their nen abilities to (at least, IMO) make a decent review on a fanfic. Here we go!
Overall impressions: So, this looks like a first-person HxH fanfic from the perspective of Gon Freecss' childhood friend (that you made up for this fanfic), El, the eponymous narrator. Also, the prologue is really good -- I was instantly hooked in!
Overall, I think, as a 13-year-old, your use of language and dialogue overlays are pretty good. Sure, it needs some fine-tuning, but it would come naturally with age. Also, I think you could do a bit more with imagery, like you did in, for example:
I really liked this stanza, as it really reminded me of the time Gon got onto the ship on the first episode.
I personally like minimalistic descriptions of the environment, however, it seems like the chapters (so far) don't really have any description at all (except for a few parts, like the example I pointed out). And that's kinda sad for a HxH fanfic, as I personally love the world of Hunter x Hunter and I would love to see more description of it.
I also like the overall vibes and the resemblance to normal dialogue in day-to-day life pastiched throughout the chapters, as it really makes me feel like I have known these people throughout my entire life, and makes me want to know more about them.
Now, let's head into the specifics, shall we?
1.The Arrival:
I like the way you introduced El with her thoughts, she really comes off to me as a sweet and adorable (like you, tbh) young girl. And if that's what you were going for, you were absolutely spot-on. Also, I like the choice of setting your story 6 years after the beginning of Hunter x Hunter (when Gon goes off into the Hunter exams) -- as that makes your story conflict less with the canon world yet make it sound entirely plausible. The depiction of Gon and Killua is completely accurate, by the way.
Also, by the way, a quick disclosure -- as far as I know, Mito-san isn't Gon's aunt per se, she's her first cousin first removed. The English translation of Hunter x Hunter does indeed make Gon call her as 'Aunt Mito' but that's a mistranslation. So, I can't really blame you there.
Gon asking El to simply 'come' with them for adventuring sounds like something Gon would say, to be honest, kek.
2. Sunset Whispers
Firstly, I really love the name of this chapter -- it's *chef's kiss*.
Before going into the dialogues with Killua, I would like to mention that Alluka's characterisation is perfect.
Speaking of Killua, although he is basically Gon but traumatised -- I find it slightly uncharacteristic for him to just hug someone he just met (although he'd met El before, it was 6 years ago). But, since he probably sympathises with El being an orphan due to his own upbringing, I will take it. AND DAMN HE'S CUTE 😭😭
El being a sweetheart and slowly falling head-over-heels for Killua because he is simply him is very cute. You have really built a good character over here - a realistic, cute, and probably slightly-hurt young adult.
3. Candy Connections
Leorio! I really like him for some reason, and I have no idea why. Also, Kurapika! I liked their little chatter and Leorio teasing the four teens. And Killua calling our Gon 'A BIG BACK' is kinda hilarious ngl.
I like the laid-back nature of their group, you know? Sure, there are monsters abound in the Dark Continent and sure people around are ruthlessly cruel, but having a semblance of normalcy amidst all that is what Hunter x Hunter is about -- and you sure show it quite well.
I love the fact that Killua loves sweets and snacks, especially candy. And having El share this trait (kinda, not to THAT extent, I think) really makes me wanna ship the two of them. I love their interactions
By the way, I think I like the little implication that Killua used his nen ability to quickly follow El after she sneaked out -- although it was probably his Assassin instincts mostly. Or is that just me? Idk.
4. Sweets and Secrets
Unless I am wrong, this is the shortest chapter so far, but it introduces and expands on Alluka's character and kinda makes me wanna protect her at all costs. Also, I dunno much about Alluka's character in canon HxH, I find her crush on Kaylee kinda interesting 'coz I couldn't find it anywhere -- unless you made that up, which is perfectly fine from a fanfic perspective and makes your Alluka very unique.
5. Unseen Intentions
Ah, this REALLY reminds me of the time Gon set out onto the ship for the Hunter exams in the first episode! IIRC, he kinda had a similar interaction, didn't he?
Remember me talking about the environment and stuff? This is what I am talking about -- sure, you described the guy harrassing El as a 'tall man' but I would have loved to have more description of him. For example, is he muscular? Is he tough-looking? What kinda dress is he wearing? What nationality does he seem to be from? This kinda stuff really adds to the lore and would make me *feel* like I am in Hunter x Hunter world, you know what I mean, right?
Killua stepping in for El is perfectly in-character for him and Alluka teasing El for that is so adorable, followed by El daydreaming -- it's all so cute omagahh!!! I really like where 'Ellua' is going~
6. The Truth I Didn’t Expect:
I LOVE GON SO MUCH OH MY ATHEIST GOD-
The interaction between Gon and Killua is something straight out of the manga and I love it. Speaking of love, although I REALLY like the way you have set up the ship (it's adorable, ngl) -- I feel like this is too simplistic and isn't exactly accurate for a 17-year-old. Sure, people lose their heads along with their hearts when they fall in love, but I feel like this is a 'too-simplistic' way of showing the thought process of someone of their age, especially since you've mentioned that they are almost adults in the very beginning.
BUT HELL YEAH, SELF-ACCEPTANCE IS THE WAY TO GO - EL! AND KILLUA, YOU TOO!
7. Our Little Secret:
I love the interactions so much~
Once again, this is what I am talking about -- little descriptions of the environment. This time, it's much better than the 'tall man' part, since you give a brief-yet-precise description of their beds (which is accurate from a canon perspective) and you also show the main quartet interact with each other about it. That's what you should keep doing going forward!
Also, Alluka and El besties frvr frfrfr
8. Her Secret:
I am a little confused about the name of this chapter, not gonna lie. The chapter doesn't really talk about 'secrets' from anyone's perspective (unless it's referring to Iris finding Gon cute...?) so I feel like you should rename this one to something like 'Common Friends' or 'A New Companion' or something like that. Of course, it's your choice.
This is my favourite chapter of yours, among the nine of these -- as it perfectly blends in everything I like about stories. Characterisation? Check. Environmental description? Check. Comedy? Check. Cheeky narration? Check. This is so good.
Also, I really liked the pun on 'Frick... His name is Gon' followed by 'GON????? GON FREECSS?" as well as the simile in 'Her face goes bright red like a ripe tomato ready to pluck'.
9. Blushing In the Dark
Ah-hah, I guess that's why the previous chapter was called 'Her Secret', because El speculates that Iris has a crush on Gon. Makes sense now, mostly.
Damn, you are going hard on the Ellua ship, aren't you? Can't blame you to be honest, even if El is a self-insert or not. Once again, my previous critiques about Killua just going in so touchy-feely with someone he just met still applies -- but I am gonna give you a pass.
Also, I feel like Killua calling El 'smarter' than him is like the biggest compliment he could give. Alluka's warning to El about Killua flirting with his crushes sounds perfectly justified now. Although we haven't seen El doing anything smart in particular so far, I feel like this could be a foreshadowing of sorts, especially since Killua's instincts aren't usually wrong. I dunno if it is, I am just a speculative author kek.
Anyway, that's all! I hope my suggestions and critiques weren't too overbearing -- they were all focused on helping you! I hope this review helps you out! Have a great day, wherever you are in the world! :p
Signing off,
The Rebel
Tysm! I did go and update it on my doc so I should repost my work!
GUYS I MEANT FOR IT TO SAY CHAPTER 1-9 😅😅 Edit: I FIXED ITTT