15. Starbucks and Swimsuits
“OMG!” Iris exclaims. I look at myself in the mirror. It is a beautiful red bikini with a string that you tie around the neck.
“I like it.” I say. She jumps up and down.
“I LOVE IT!! YOU’RE GETTING IT!” I don’t just like it, I love it too. I think it is very pretty. I don’t look too bad in it either.
“Can you show me yours?” I ask. She puts her finger over her mouth.
“You’ll see it tomorrow,” she says with a smile.
“UGHH. Fine.” I grumble. We walk out of the store.
“So, what do we do now?” I ask, looking at her expectantly.
“Starbucks?” She asks.
“Starbucks.”
An hour later, we return home with bags of clothes, accessories, and snacks in our hands.
“OOOOOH. WHAT DID YOU GET MEE??” Gon exclaims. He grabs my drink and finishes it off.
“Hey!” I elbow him in the stomach, “I was still drinking that!!” Gon holds his stomach dramatically. Killua laughs.
“What’s so funny?” I accuse, while giving him daggers. He puts his hands up.
“Oh, nothing.” I roll my eyes at him.
16. Out the door
“BEACH TIME!” I open my eyes and Alluka is in my face.
“Huh…?” I mumble while rubbing my eyes.
“THROW ON YOUR SWIMSUIT AND PUT SOMETHING OVER IT. WE ARE GOING TO THE BEACH. I HAVE EVERYTHING READY AND THE OTHERS ARE ALMOST DRESSED. GET READY TO GO!!!” She yells excitedly. Me and Iris sit there, confused.
“WELL, DON’T JUST STAY THERE! GET READY. WE ARE LEAVING IN FIVE.” Alluka rushes out of the door and downstairs. I yawn.
“Welp, that was one way to wake up…” Iris mumbles. She gets off her bed and walks to the bathroom. I stare up at the ceiling. How do I tell them?? I can’t go in the water! I can’t swim! Won’t they be suspicious if I don’t? UGH. I get up off the mattress. Maybe I can just pretend that I lost my swimsuit…
“What’s up?” I look behind me and it’s Iris.
“Oh, I can’t find my swimsuit.” I say, trying to act nonchalant. She crosses her arms.
“You mean the one that is literally in your hands?” I look down. Crap.
“Are you ok?” She asks.
“Yeah! I’m fine.” I tell her. I smile. I mean, yeah, I’m nervous, but I still kind of want to go. Plus, I can always stay out of the water and collect seashells or make a sandcastle.
“Kk… Just wanted to make sure, you looked a little worried. Welp, I’m ready. Put on your swimsuit in the bathroom and just throw a sundress on. It’s supposed to be 90 degrees!!” She exclaims. I grab the new sundress I got yesterday. It matches my bikini, except it has pink flowers on the bottom of it. It is flowy and goes almost to my knees. I put my hair in a messy bun, then throw on some flip flops. I rush down the stairs.
“Well, you look cute!!” Alluka giggles.
“Thanks!” I reply. I look at everyone’s outfits. Wow, we all got style! Iris is wearing this white crop top with a pale pink on the sleeves and jean shorts, Alluka is wearing a sundress like me, except it is a light pink with a white plaid pattern, Gon is wearing a black T-shirt with dark green swim trunks that have black stripes at the bottom, Killua is wearing a navy-blue T-shirt and the same swim trunks as Gon but navy blue. I think I know Killua’s favorite color.
“Well… WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?!?!” Gon says.
“Nothing! LET’S GOOO” I yell excitedly. I finally am doing something with people my age. With people that are my friends. It’s been a while since I have had friends that were always there. Last time I tried to make friends… It didn’t go to well… But now I have people that care for me. I’m so grateful, I don’t deserve any of this.
17. A sunny darkness
The sun radiates brightly in a clear, blue sky, with not a cloud in sight. People stroll through the streets dressed in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying the warm weather that envelops the town, while a gentle breeze causes their hair to dance lightly in the air.
“Omg! It’s beautiful out!” I exclaim. Alluka grabs my hand and Killua’s.
“We need to get a good spot!!” She pulls us all the way to the beach, leaving Iris and Gon behind. We get to the shore and Killua puts all the stuff down.
“Ugh, that was so heavy.” He says, slightly out of breath for carrying everything we brought and Alluka dragging him. Iris and Gon run up to us.
“You left us!” Iris says.
“You guys- are so- fast” Gon exclaims while panting.
“Maybe you’re just out of shape.” Killua replies.
“No! I have abs!” Gon remarks.
“Just because you have abs, doesn’t mean you’re fit.” Killua counters. Gon rolls his eyes.
“Well, I am. Maybe, you are just too fit.”
“Whatever. I don’t know about you guys, but I want to set up our stuff so we can have fun!” Killua exclaims. We all tag in to set up. I put up the chairs, Alluka rolls out the towels, Iris lays out the blanket, Gon and Killua take all the other things and move them off to the side of the blanket.
“Done!” Alluka yells. She takes off her sundress that is over her swimsuit and immediately dives into the water. We all laugh.
“El! Do you want to walk around the beach with me and collect seashells?” Iris asks.
“Yeah!” We take off our flip flops and clothes over our swimsuits because it’s hot, and we run down the shore with a bucket. We grab so many shells and put them in the bucket.
“I loved doing this back on Whale Island!” I tell her, “But I usually did it alone! It’s so much more fun to do it with someone!” She smiles.
“I know right?!” We both laugh. We start walking back to Alluka, Gon, and Killua.
“Do you know if you guys are going to stay here?” Iris asks. I shrug.
“I don’t know. I don’t think so, Gon was saying we are only going to stay in Oslo for a week or so,” I respond.
“Hm. Welp, I’m going to join you guys whatever you guys do.” She smiles.
“Yay!” I say. We continue walking, I look to the left, there are two lifeguards coming up to us.
“Hey!” One of them says smugly, “What are two pretty girls like you doing here?”
“Uhm, swimming?” Iris counters while grabbing my arm and taking a step back. I take a step back as well.
“Where are you two going?” the other says, “We haven’t even introduced ourselves yet,” A wave of discomfort washes over me. Then, they grab me and Iris’s arms.
18. His Words, My Heartbeat
“Let us go!” I yell while trying to escape the lifeguard’s grasp.
“And why would we do that?” The one that has Iris’s arm says. The one grabbing my arm pulls me closer.
“So, what do you say?”
“How about no?” Two voices say behind us. Just then I feel a hand pull me backward. I bump into someone. I look up, it’s Killua, Gon is standing next to him, holding Iris.
“Hey, dudes, back off. It’s not like they are yours. Do you even know these cuties?” The lifeguard remarks. Killua’s grip tightens on my shoulder, pulling me closer.
“Even if we didn’t know them, we aren’t going to sit back and do nothing.” Gon says coldly. The lifeguards glare at him and Killua. One of them tries to grab me again.
“Stay away from my girlfriend.” Killua glares. Girlfriend? Wait… WHAT? GIRLFRIEND? IS HE TALKING ABOUT ME?? I- HUH- Don’t faint El! Don’t faint! Everything is going to be A-OKAY!
“Your… Girlfriend…?” One of them says suspiciously. He then looks over at Iris.
“Well, maybe one of them is taken, but this one is also cute…” He smiles slyly.
“Don’t. Even. Think. About. It.” Gon says, no remorse in his voice. He is glaring at both lifeguards, pure madness in his eyes.
“What is wrong with you?! YOU CAN’T JUST TREAT GIRLS LIKE OBJECTS! Let alone OUR girlfriends.” He says, leaving Iris’s face red.
“Now, I recommend both of you walk away, and don’t come near us or there will be problems.” Killua starts.
“Okay, okay… Listen… We didn’t mean to cause trouble…” They say while backing away. Killua and Gon sigh.
“Hey, are you two okay?” Killua asks.
“I-I-I-I-I,” I manage to spit out. Killua looks at me with a curious look.
“Okay… I think we should go home. We have already been here for three hours… And Dominic should be getting back soon…” He says. We all nod in agreement.
19. He said it first
“OMG. I CAN’T.” Iris exclaims. We are in Iris’s room, the door closed, laying on our stomachs, on her bed.
“I know right?! THEY CALLED US THEIR GIRLFRIENDS.” I put my face in one of her pillows.
“I can’t believe it!! Gon! Me! Together! That would be so amazing!” Iris says. I laugh.
“I don’t know if I told you this but…” I start, she leans in closer, curious to what I’m about to say, “I like Killua… Romantically…” Her jaw drops dramatically.
“NOO. I COULDN’T TELLL,” she says sarcastically, “Girl, it’s so obvious you like him. When Alluka dragged you and Killua away, me and Gon were talking about you guys and how you guys were so awkward.” She says, smugly. The door opens. It’s the one person I don’t want it to be. Killua.
“Uhm- Hey guys- Can I talk to you, El…?” He asks. Iris pushes me out of her room. I here her snickering when she closes me out. Now, it’s just me and Killua in the hallway. This is awkward.
“Hey… I’m sorry that I called you my girlfriend earlier… That was wrong of me. I just wanted to protect you, that was my first instinct.” He mutters.
“OH- NO- IT’S- I- UHM-“ UGHHH. EL. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TALK TO HIM LIKE HE’S ANY OTHER PERSON?
“See, your so embarrassed by me. I’m really sorry… Wait- you know what?” He starts. I look up at him, curious.
“I take back that apology. You wanna know why? Because I like you. More than friends. I think that you are really pretty, smart, funny, and very interesting. I’m gonna be honest with you, when I first saw you, I was so into you. I still am. I don’t care if this is a super bad way to confess, but I really do like you.” My heart stops. What did he just say? Out of all people, he likes me? Why does he like me? I am a boring girl, with boring looks. I have nothing cool about me.
“So…?” What do I say?
“How do you feel about that…?” He asks me quietly. His voice is so soft right now. Everything he is saying is so pure. You can tell he means every word.
“I… Really… I really like you too…” I manage to say. His eyes widen.
“WAIT- HOLD UP- YOU- YOU LIKE ME? AS IN ME? LIKE, ME KILLUA?” He says flustered. I nod.
“Yeah…” We both stand there awkwardly.
“So… What do we do now…?” I ask. My face is red and my cheeks are hot.
“Well… Fine,” He says, “El Kaia. This is honestly crazy but… Will you be my girlfriend…?”
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey, it's the guy with cows for a profile again. You go by hop now today I presume? I'm just going to continuously write reviews until I have enough for my series. So, here's another one of my unsupervised, subjective comments. I hope you enjoy it!
As a reader of mostly sad, war, or adventurous stories, I feel awkward commenting on stories like these. But to be honest, despite it being almost completely dialogue, this is sure to garner the attention of a lot of people. Who doesn't love a good "love at first sight" story anyway? As always, this is a fantastic one. Since you're quite good at this, why not try publishing it somewhere? You'll have to add in a little more monologue, but I'm sure you can make this work.
I don't exactly have any specific commentary about why this story is good or bad, because my tips are as always. More monologue, less dialogue. But you did put in a bit more emotion here. I like it. It makes the story feel so much more alive. Also, I just you were actually writing a fan fiction story of a manga. I never knew that! I was very confused as to how you get such unique names for characters. I assumed this was just you coming up with the most random names possible and inserting real city names, such as New York (obviously everyone knows New York) and Oslo! (If you didn't know, Oslo is the capital city of Norway)
I do in fact have one more tip though. It was completely unnoticed at first, because I thought this wasn't a very important detail, but El seems very nonchalant for a person who's entire family has been murdered when she was young. I suggest you add in some sort of weakness, such as a trigger word. It will definitely give a little more character integrity, and bonus points for Killua because he's very good at comforting.
Once again, it's a wonderful story you're cooking up here. One word of advice though, it's fine if you rush a story, but most importantly, you shouldn't say that you had rushed it. It leaves a big impression and difference to the quality of the story. If you didn't say you rushed it, I probably would have read this perfectly fine, same goes with the rest of the reviews. So just don't mention it next time. I hope you have a wonderful day, and cheers!
Thank you so much for your review Rooke! I will probably go back and edit some of it so it doesn't have so much dialogue :3 El has always been used to covering up her emotions and soon readers will deifinitely see that wall break down lol but anyways, thank you for reading my story
Hey, Hop! Fellow HxH enjoyer here. I was scrolling in the green room and this caught my eye so I'm here to give it a review!
There's a lot of positives here, and a lot of things that needs work, but the overall vibe of the story is great! I like that it steps away from the usual high-stakes combat of Hunter x Hunter and instead explores a more grounded, slice of life tone.
El's inner monologue reveals a lot of about her character without info dumping and is probably the easiest to relate to. I really like that there's an understated honesty in how she reacts to other characters, how she thinks and what she's thinking about - a great example being her worrying about going to the beach because she can't swim. (or maybe I'm being biased because I can't swim either lol)
She's already an interesting character on her own, but the character dynamic between her and her friends is what was the most enjoyable part of reading this for me.
Getting into the things that need work, what I noticed right off of the bat was the punctuation and formatting. Let's start with the punctuation here:
After Iris speaks, it changes to the main character's perspective - that's where you should start a new paragraph. There are lots of dialogue tags that are also just littered all over the place, some that have sentences that have nothing to do with what the character is saying where new paragraphs should begin. Try to focus on what the characters are doing, even when they aren't speaking - and when they are speaking - how they're conveying their words, BEFORE you write how El reacts to them next.
Lastly, the chapters were too short! But you did say that in the description so I won't be too hard on you about it. Overall, this was a pretty decent read, but a bit rushed which was a tiny bit disappointing.
I do hope you continue this series though, very unique to the Shonen work it's based on, but still done very well. Keep at it!
Thank you lol! Ngl, this may be weird, but I really love criticism! It shows that you can always improve on things! I will definitely take those things into consideration! I kinda rushed this because it is too many pages in and we haven't even gotten to know the antagonist ToT I don't want to get bored so I kinda rush things to get to interesting parts! My plan is to go back and fix things when I finish it! I only publish this because I have my friends threaten me... Send help.
HOP IM SO PROUD OF YOU!! This little project you started working on in theatre class has gotten so far and it's so cool. You started this as a project just for fun, using a spinner to decide the fate of the characters. And look at it now. The formatting is so good and I love your writing style. Keep up the amazing work <333
Thank you <33333
I like
I thank.