10. His Bloody Hands
TAP, TAP, TAP
I hear something on one of the windows and immediately open my eyes.
TAP, TAP, TAP
I look around to see which one it came from. My eyes scan the room, and I see nothing.
TAP, TAP, TAP
It’s getting louder
TAP, TAP, TAP
“Who is it?!” I say with a little shakiness in my voice.
TAP, TAP, TAP
Why won’t it stop?
TAP, TAP, TAP
I reach for Alluka so she can help me. Empty. She isn’t here. Alluka isn’t here.
TAP, TAP, TAP
I look for Killua. He isn’t here. Gon too. Where is everyone?
TAP, TAP, TAP
I hide myself under a blanket and then everything is silent. I relax a bit and take the blanket off of me. And right in front of me, is a man. He’s holding a bloody knife and smiling at me. The man in front of me, is the same man, who killed my mom, dad, my little brother, everyone. He destroyed my life. Now is he going to take it away when I finally have a reason to live? I finally have people that I care about. I can’t die now. I can’t.
I know that I am pathetic. I know I don’t deserve how nice life has been to me. But please… I actually want to live. I have friends, I have Gon, Alluka, and Iris. I am in love with someone. Is that where I went wrong? Trying to live a happy life? Am I just meant to suffer? Why did I think that I could do something in life? That was stupid. Killua was wrong. I am stupid. I’m worthless. Just kill me now. It’s not like they will even notice. Just do it. Kill me slowly, fast, painful, painless. I don’t care. Just tell everyone that I’m sorry for being in their lives. I have just been a burden. Just tell them I’m sorry.
The murderer reaches for me. Yep, this is it. Goodbye.
He grabs my shoulder and starts shaking it. What is he doing? Why hasn’t he killed me yet?
“EL!” The killer says, continuing to shake my shoulder.
“EL! WAKE UP!” He tells me. Wait… Wake up…?
Was this all just a dream?
11. The Pain of Eleven Years
Light floods my vision and I am blinded. Someone is shaking my shoulder, trying to get me to wake up.
“EL! WAKE UP!” They say to me.
“I’m… up…” I say not being able to see or process just who is talking to me. My eyes adjust to brightness, and I make out the person who is trying to wake me up. It’s Killua.
“It’s time to get up.” He tells me. I grab my phone and check the time. 7:30 am. Almost time to get off the ship. I sit up.
“Oh, also…” he says, sounding a little unsure. I look at his light, electric blue eyes. Dang. They just pull me in. Like the ocean at a tropical resort. Like I am jumping in, but I don’t know how to swim, so I drown in them. The more I stare into them the faster I get pulled down to the bottomless blue.
“You were crying in your sleep…” Killua says. Shock grasps me. I was crying?
“Oh…” I reply. He looks at me with worry.
“El…” He put his hand on my shoulder. My face goes instantly red. Why is he grabbing my shoulder? Why is he so close? Why did it suddenly get hot here? Why is this so awkward? Why am I questioning everything? Oh my God, I wanna die.
“Were you having a nightmare?” He asks genuinely. How did he know? Just by me crying? I hesitate then nod my head.
“Uhm- Yeah, but I’m fine. I’m Okay.” I say with a smile on my face. He glares at me.
“El.” He says deadpan.
“Hmm?”
“Stop.”
“Stop what?”
“Saying that you’re fine. I don’t want to see you try to cover up emotions like it’s not a big deal.”
“I’m not.”
“El.”
“WHAT?! I’m not!!”
“I SAW YOU CRYING”
“I WASN’T CRYING”
“LIAR.”
“I’M NOT A LIAR. YOU ARE.”
“Me? Liar? Ha.” He laughs.
“I am not going to let you leave until you tell my what you were having a nightmare about.” He smirks.
“Oh really?”
“Yep.” I dart for the door, laughing as I go, but his hand catches my arm, pulling me back with ease.
“Told you.” He says with a dumb look on his face. Even when his face looks dumb it still looks good. DANG WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE THAT. He pulls me back into the room.
“Now, you are going to tell me why you were depressed in your sleep.” I roll my eyes.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me.” I stick out my tongue.
“Where are Gon and Alluka?” I ask, noticing they aren’t in the room. He pauses for a moment.
“They are upstairs, eating breakfast.” I am hungry. Man, I could go for some pancakes.
“We should go get some breakfast!!” I exclaim. He pulls me in.
“Nope. Not until you tell me what was making you cry.” Darn. My plan didn’t work. Wait- OMG HE IS SO CLOSE. I look the other way in embarrassment.
“Why are you looking away?” He questions.
“Oh um- I- swear I saw a fly!” He raises an eyebrow and shrugs. He pulls me over and we both sit on the heap of blankets Gon and Killua made last night.
“El. I really want you to trust me. And I don’t want you to keep locking yourself up like that. We talked about this. It isn’t good for you. You can talk to me. Okay? Do you trust me.” He is staring straight into my eyes with seriousness and worry. I look down. Oh no. Please don’t cry El. Please don’t- You can’t. I can feel the tears trying to form in my eyes. I can’t… A droplet races down my cheek. Great. This is now the second time I have cried in front of Killua. Man, aren’t I amazing.
“El!” He says wide eyed. I wipe the tears off my face. I smile and laugh.
“Haha, sorry about that.” His look turns into frustration. He raises his voice.
“EL! DON’T JUST SMILE IT OFF. YOU NEED TO STOP AND LET PEOPLE IN.” I flinch. His angry expression immediately disappears.
“I’m so sorry- I didn’t mean to raise my voice-” Tears fall faster from my eyes. Why am I so sensitive all the sudden? I cry. Hard. Killua looks panicked. He pulls me into him, hugging me tight. He doesn’t let go.
“Please forgive me-” he says urgently. Regret is in his voice. I have never heard someone panic that much over something like raising their voice. I think back to what Killua said back on the island, I can tell him anything, he will listen. So why am I so afraid to tell him about anything? He won’t judge me. I know that. But still- I don’t want him to hate me for whatever I say. I don’t want him to say that I’m just overreacting or being dramatic. Mom always said that to me. I was always too dramatic or overthinking things. I don’t want him to say the same thing. I want him to listen. I want him to say that he understands. I want him to be there. I want to have him right beside me. I want him.
“C’mon, let’s go.” He says, breaking the hug. He starts to get up.
“Wait-“ He looks at me curiously. I gesture him to sit back down. He sits.
“I did.”
“You did? What do you mean?”
“I did have a nightmare.” He looks at me curious but with a little worry still in his eyes, showing he wants to listen.
“You know how I said my parents are no longer here…?” He nods.
“I had a nightmare about that.” I say looking at the ground.
“Can I tell you how my parents died…?” I ask, unsure.
“If you are comfortable with it… I don’t wanna make you feel like you are being forced to tell me.” He says softly.
“I am. At least telling you. I don’t know about anyone else though…” He looks at me, he is genuinely interested in what I have to say.
“When I was six… I was told to go get groceries with my cousin who was a year older than me. His name was Damien. After we finished shopping, we were walking back, when I heard someone screaming… It sounded like my mom. I was terrified. I had to make sure it wasn’t her. I ran as fast as I could… I abandoned my cousin… When I finally got to our little town, everything was in flames, bodies everywhere. Everyone I knew was either burned or bloody. But all were motionless.” Killua seems frozen in shock. Sadness is in his eyes; he is still fully paying attention to what I am saying.
“I ran to my house, hoping my family was alright. I ran as fast as I could. The door was open. There was a man in the house. He had a knife in one hand, my three-year-old brother by the throat in the other. Then, he killed my little brother. Right in front of me. My parents’ bodies were on the floor, they were limp. Then he smiled. No remorse for what he just did. He then laughed and walked away. Everyone in my town was dead. It’s my fault… I should’ve been there… I should’ve died… Not anyone else…” My heart is about to implode by just the thought of my little brother. Killua was fully immersed in what I was saying. Taking everything seriously.
“I had a nightmare that I woke up in the middle of the night. You, Alluka, and Gon weren’t there. The murderer was. He was about to kill me, take everything away. Then, you woke me up.” I say. The crying is back. But I don’t care, I let it. It feels good. Killua is speechless. He is sitting there, looking down at one of the blankets.
“I…” He tries to say.
“I knew that you lost your parents… But I didn’t know that you went through that… El…” He looks at me with tears in his eyes.
“It wasn’t your fault. Nothing is your fault. You couldn’t do anything. Stop blaming yourself. Have you been blaming yourself for this entire time? You said you were six. That’s eleven years. You have been blaming yourself for eleven years?” Silence. I don’t say anything. He is right. I have. I have been blaming myself for eleven years.
“El…” He hugs me again. This one out of sadness and pain. We just stay like that for a few minutes. He’s comforting me. Is that why he is hugging me? He wants to comfort me… I let him. I let him comfort me. I don’t hate this. Not at all.
12. Cinnamon Roll Sass
“EWWWWWWW. GIRRRRL. NUH UH.” Gon yells. He takes a bite of a cinnamon roll and licks the frosting of his fingers.
“Y’all are NAASSSTY” Killua gives Gon a death glare.
“You have 5 seconds to run.” Gon screams. Killua laughs and looks at me.
“That dummy. Anyways, let’s go upstairs and get some breakfast Ellie.” He says. ELLIE?!? Did he call me Ellie? DID HE JUST NICKNAME ME? My heart is about to leap out of my chest. He grabs my hand and pulls me to the door. Is he trying to make me faint?
We go upstairs to the deck. Gon is running away because he and Killua made eye contact. I grab a bagel from the counter and take a bite. Killua grabs a piece of cinnamon toast. I walk up to Alluka.
“Good morning.” I yawn.
“Morning. You can see Oslo City from here.” We stare off into the distance. Oslo is huge. Almost the size of York New. The wind carries a crisp chill, cutting through the air with a gentle bite. There’s a distinct scent in the air, as if it has just experienced a rain shower, the light grey clouds splattered all over the sky. The sun is hiding behind them, almost like it’s playing hide and go seek. Dark blue waves roll in the calm ocean. It is a nice Spring Day.
“ALLUKA HELP MEEE” Gon screams from behind. Alluka rolls her eyes.
“What did he do or say to Killua?” She says monotone. This makes me laugh.
“Uhm… He walked in on me and Killua hugging and called us nasty or something.” Alluka raises eyebrows.
“Hugging? Why were you hugging?” She says suspiciously. Oh Frick- I didn’t think that far-
“UHHHH. It was just a hug. A FRIENDLY hug. NOTHING romantic about it.”
“Uh huh. Sure.” Just then, Iris walks up to us.
“OH MY GOSH!!! ALLUKA!” She squeals. They run to each other and hug.
“Iris! What are you doing here?!” Alluka asks.
“Visiting my brother! Just like you!” Alluka tilts her head.
“How did you...?”
“That pretty girl with the luscious, silky black hair, standing off to the side! I met El last night! She is such a kind girl!” Just then, Gon speeds towards us, crashing into Iris.
“Oh my God. I am SOO sorry.” He says as he gets back up. As soon as he sees Iris’s face his eyes go wide.
“IRIS?” A faint blush washes over Iris’s face.
“G-G-Gon?” Gon helps her to her feet.
“Wel, obviously. No one else can pull off this amazing hair, style, and body.” He speaks. Gon pulls Iris into a hug.
“I missed you!” He says. Oh wow. I see how it is. Iris gets an ‘I miss you’ and I get ‘WE ARE LEAVING AFTER THIS WEEK’. Dumbass.
Killua walks over with his toast in his mouth. He glances at Iris.
“Hey.” He says. Gon screams.
“PLEASE DON’T HURT MEEE.” He begs while hiding behind Iris.
“No, no, no. Don’t bring me into this.” Iris states.
“I am not bringing you into this, I am simply using you as a shield.” Gon points out.
“Same thing.” Iris punches him in the arm.
“OOOWWW. WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!” Gon yells. Iris smirks.
“Gon, you should be grateful.” Killua says, “If Iris didn’t punch you, you would probably be on the floor right now, crying.” Gon takes a step away from Killua.
“Okay whiney wiener” Gon replies.
“Oh, you son of a- GON YOU’RE DEAD TO ME.”
13, Gift Shops And Good Vibes
“FINALLY. Any longer and I would’ve been seasick.” I say.
“Same here.” Alluka replies. We get off the ship and grab our luggage.
“Well…” Gon says, “Show us the way to Dominic’s house! Then maybe we can go to the gift shops. Maybe even go to the beach if it is sunny tomorrow…” Alluka’s eyes widen.
“THE BEACH?! GIFT SHOPS?!” Her face is overcome with joy. I laugh.
“Why not.” Iris says while laughing at Alluka’s reaction. We walk to Dominic’s house, and he isn’t home.
“Just set your stuff down somewhere and let’s go look at whatever is in the gift shops!” Alluka says.
“Uhm- We are still in our pajamas.” Iris points out. I look down at my clothes. Some black and white plaid pajama pants and a black t-shirt. Oops. I didn’t even notice.
“Well, let’s get changed and then we can head out.” Killua says. All of us nod in agreement. Iris shows me and Alluka to the guest room where we can get changed. I look in my bag and it turns out, I only have short sleeved shirts.
“Crap.” I say. Alluka looks at me.
“What’s wrong?” She asks.
“I didn’t bring any hoodies.” I tell her.
“Yes you did.” She grabs Killua’s black hoodie that he gave me. My face goes red.
“Oh cool! You have the same hoodie as Killua! Oh… Girl… You good…?” I give her a thumbs up. She throws it at me.
“It will look so cute on you! Wear it! It’s also cold!” It lands on my face. It smells like him. No! Quit it El! DON’T SMELL HIS STUFF YOU CREEP!
I put it on, and it is way too big for me. It is very comfy though. I grab some Black jogger shorts, and they completely disappear under the hoodie. I put my hair up in a pony tail and put on some white sneakers. I look around and see a black hat.
“Alluka?” I say, “Is this black hat yours? And can I use it?”
“Oh, yeah that is mine! And go ahead!” I put it on and push my ponytail through the hole in the back of the hat. I stand in front of the mirror. Someone knocks on the bedroom door.
“Come in!” I say. It’s Gon.
“HEYYY! We all ready to go. What about you?”
“Yeah. I am.” I turn and face him.
“GURL. YOU ARE NOT WEARING KILLUA’S HOODIE. NUH UH.” He says disgusted.
“And what if I am?” I reply.
“I mean- You do you boo. But don’t come crying to me if you catch something from all his NASTY germs.” He tells me. I roll my eyes.
“Anyways, we are all waiting on you. So, get your butt downstairs so I can find myself some ice cream.”
“Big back.”
“You like Killua.” I hit him.
“You dare say that again, and you will not live to see Killua.”
“That is alright with me. His ugly face be polluting the earth.” I hit him.
“OWWW. You hollow head.” I raise my hand at him. “Okay, okay, okay, okay! Don’t hurt mee. God, please take this abusive girl away from me.” Is he trying to get on my nerves?
“Come on. Let’s go.” I say. He follows behind me so I can’t hit him again. We walk down the stairs, and everyone is waiting at the front door.
“We ready.” Gon states. Iris looks at me.
“Oh my GOD! Girl! Your outfit!! You’re slaying!” I smile awkwardly. Killua looks at me. He blushes.
“Hi.” He says.
“Hey.” I reply. Me and Killua just stand there in awkward silence. What do I say?
“Oh wait-“ Alluka exclaims, “That is Killua’s!! That’s Killua’s favorite hoodie!!” His favorite?! He told me that he didn’t care about this hoodie! He gave me his favorite hoodie?!
“Oh, I didn’t realize this was your favorite- I can go change-“
“No! I gave it to you. It’s yours!” He says flustered.
“Guys, can we go?” Alluka adds.
“Yeah!” Iris replies. We open the door, and the sun is up in the middle of the sky, making everything cast down upon it bright or shadowy. There are still whisps of clouds here and there, splattering across the huge canvas. The ocean is in the distance, seagulls are flying everywhere. The cherry blossoms are in bloom and the pink leaves are flying everywhere. Today is gonna turn out to be a nice day after all.
We walk down to the area near the beach, there is a row of gift shops.
“COME ONN!” Alluka exclaims as she grabs my hand. She drags me into the closest one, leaving everyone else behind. There are cute sea turtle keychains, magnets, and plushies. I look around for a bit.
“Oh. My. God.” I say, “That is the CUTEST thing ever.”
“Hmm?” I point to the little sea turtle themed cat. Alluka’s jaw drops.
“I’m getting one.” I tell her.
“Sammee” She smiles. We walk out of the store with two mini turtle cats.
“Oh hey, what did you two end up getting?” Killua asks. We show him the little bundles of cuteness.
“Aww. Those are cute. As for me…” He pulls out a hat with a chocolate robot imprinted on it. My jaw drops. I grab it from his hands, take off my hat, put it on, and throw the black hat at Killua.
“Watch that. It’s Alluka’s.” Alluka laughs.
“Wha- HUH?!” He stutters.
“Thanks for the hat!!” I say. I hug him and run off to show the others my new things.
“That girl.” Alluka says while looking at Killua.
“What just happened…? She- hugged me- Out of nowhere-” His eyes are wide with a faint tint of red across his face.
14. Iris’s plans
“Guys!” I yell. They are looking at the beach.
“Look what I got!!” I say when I reach them. Iris laughs.
“Isn’t that what Killua got?”
“Uhmm… It’s mine now.” I smile.
“GIRRRL. YAS. JUST YASS QUEEN.” Gon says, “I honestly thought that hat was ugly when Killua was wearing it, but now that a queen is, it kinda ate.”
“Clock that tea.” Iris adds. Killua and Alluka run up to us.
“Hey- This would be a good spot to hang out at the beach!” Alluka says.
“Yeah it would! Let’s go tomorrow!” Iris exclaims while checking her phone, “It’s supposed to be eighty degrees!”
“Awesome!” We all say.
We all walk back to the house. Dominic still isn’t home. Iris shows us to all our rooms. Since I originally wasn’t going to come along, Iris lets me room with her.
“Well, this is my room!” I walk into a beautifully decorated bedroom. It totally matches her aesthetic! Her bed is pink and white with fluffy pillows on top. She has Broadway posters hung up. White bunny plushies on her desk.
“I love it.” I tell her. She laughs.
“Unpack your stuff and then me and you will go shopping.” I tilt my head.
“Shopping?” I ask.
“For swimsuits!”
“But we already have swimsuits-”
“You really think you’re going out in this?” She holds up my old swimsuit that barely fits me anymore.
“When was the last time you got a new one?? This thing look as old as you.” She tells me.
“First off, I am 17, second, I got that 3 years ago, so it is not that old, and third, I never really use it.” She raises an eyebrow.
“What? Didn’t you live on an island?” I laugh, kind of embarrassed by the question she just asked.
“Oh… Yeah… About that…” I say slowly.
“El. We are getting you a new swimsuit.” I can’t anyway, I’m broke.
“But I don’t-“ I start. Iris interrupts.
“I’m paying.”
“No! Wait- What?” She looks me dead in the eyes and crosses her arms.
“Yep. C’mon, lets go.” She grabs my arm and drags me down to the living room. Everyone is downstairs laying on the couch, watching TV, or scrolling on their phone.
“Where are you two going?” Killua asks. Everyone turns their attention to us.
“Oh- we were going shopping!” Iris says. Killua raises an eyebrow then stands up and walks to us.
“Ok. Just be careful. Call me if something happens.” He tells us.
“But I don’t have your number.” I say deadpan. He pulls out his phone.
“Alright, here.” He shows his screen to me. His phone number is on it. I put the number in and type hi.
“Hi.” He says out loud. Everyone else went back to their activities. Iris grabs my arm.
“C’MONN” She groans. We both walk out the door.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Wow this is such an intensively thrilling story. It had me on the edge of my seat reading. As the dream turns to nightmare, I'm flooding thoughts of what is to come, only to be more surprised than anything I could have guessed. This is just downright creatively remarkable with such a tremendous dialect in play that leaves me with repeating reels in my brain of what I read. I would so love to read more, so please keep me posted. You have just found a huge fan.
OH MY GOODYNESS! excuse my Italian, BUT PORCA PUTTANA! this is so good i'm in love.
“But I don’t have your number.” I say deadpan. He pulls out his phone.
“Alright, here.” He shows his screen to me. His phone number is on it. I put the number in and type hi.
OMG JUST KISS ALREADY
Keep up the great work hop!
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I've told you, cat nip isn't for humans. You need to stop.
All I did was trying use an emoji ToT
Hey there, friend! The Rebel from Team Aliens is back for another review! Although you already have several reviews about this, I think I will just add in my own because I really enjoyed the previous nine chapters. So, here we go!
Overall impressions:
Wow, it feels like my review on your previous nine chapters travelled back in time and reached you while you wrote these -- 'coz these are WAY better than the previous ones (of course, they were all great too) and follows almost all of my advices to the T.
A thing that I didn't really mention in the previous review on the previous nine chapters is that I was really intrigued by the prologue, which is now further fleshed out in El's dream and her confessions to Killua (which I adore). So, great job on that.
You have really meshed together the perfect potpourri of character interactions, healing from trauma, the modern teen-aesthetic, as well as the travelling -- all of which are staples of Hunter x Hunter. So, great job on that!
Now, let's get into the specifics:
10. His Bloody Hands:
First of all, the contrast of this chapter from the previous ones is really jarring -- and that's a good thing, because that's how nightmares are supposed to be. Secondly, I feel like you have a good instinct about how to reveal a character's deepest feelings and truths with the littlest descriptions. You also handle horror well enough for your age. El's monologue about her past and her insecurities, the repetition of 'TAP TAP TAP' as horror-inducing onomatopoeia, and the helplessness of the entire situation really shines through.
Sure, could I tell that this was a dream after reading like 4 lines? Yup, I could. But that's just because I have read too much stuff and because you are just starting out. You will get better at inducing dread and excacerbate horror as you grow older, you already have an instinct for it.
11. The Pain of Eleven Years:
First of all, I think I would like to point out one thing -- I feel like this entire scene is *slightly* uncharacteristic for Killua. But that's just my opinion, and this is your fanon where Killua has a crush on your protagonist El (whom he seems to care about A LOT), so you do you, girl.
Now that we have got that out of the way, secondly, I would like to say -- this is perfect. Perfect. Absolute Cinema. El's backstory really rendered a hole in my heart, especially considering how sweet and adorable she is -- her insecurities, her self-blame, her pain and her hidden melancholy truly hit me and probably every other reader here. Killua directly yelling before calming down and saying sorry is perfectly in character for him (although, IMO, hugging her in that context is *slightly* out-of-character). The exchange of dialogues feels real for two teenagers and the entire thing is just good writing.
This is my favourite chapter out of all the 14 I have read so far, and you are getting really good at it. This happens when you keep writing and continuing a specific story for long enough (I am saying this from personal experience) but your growth in less-than-a-month is truly astounding, no cap. This is peak, as I really wanna know what happened to Damien after that and why the murderer did all that. Is this a reference to some event that has occurred in Hunter x Hunter? If yes, then damn, you have seamlessly tied it in your story. If not, this is still a realistic event that could have in the HxH world.
12. Cinnamon Roll Sass
I was a bit confused at the beginning there as Gon kinda showed up out of nowhere, and El didn't comment on it at all, so much so that I was thinking that the first scene in this chapter happened some time after El's confessions to Killua about her past. Of course, I later realised that this was a continuation of the same scene but I had to re-read it after reading like 4 paragraphs. It could just be me, or you should reword Gon's entrance (Gon saying "GIRL EWWW NUH-UH" is perfect Gon things, keep that).
Also, yay, Iris meets Alluka! Also also, yayyyy, Iris meets Gon! Gon and Killua's interactions are perfect as always, nothing to say about that. Also, the description of the sea and of the environment in that paragraph was perfect. It really made me feel like I am gonna land in Oslo city. However, just a little side tip, although most people *really* emphasize on 'show, don't tell' and you kinda followed that by having Iris describe El by saying she has 'luscious, silky black hair, standing off to the side' -- it kinda felt unnatural. It might be just me, but I feel like you could have integrated it a bit better.
As far as I know, there has only been two references to El's looks so far -- and all that I know about her is that she has grey eyes and silky black hair that she likes to wear in a ponytail. Pretty good, but I feel like there could've been more description about what our narrator looks like. It's good enough though.
13. Gift Shops And Good Vibes:
A little nitpick here -- it should have been 'we got our luggage and got off the ship', not the other way around -- it just sounds awkward otherwise.
I assume that Dominic is Iris' brother? It is implied, but he isn't name-dropped, but I think that's good enough.
"It smells like him. No! Quit it El! DON’T SMELL HIS STUFF YOU CREEP!" is so El-coded. It reminds me of my own character, who is a similar to her (she's more of a tsundere though) and has similar stream-of-consciousness monologues. Also, heh, El? Getting bold abruptly hugging Killua and then leaving him blushing, are we?
And hey, don't beat up Gon! I know he can tank it, but still. Why is everyone ganging up on Gon? He's my favourite 😭
Once again, as I have pointed out in my Overall Impressions, you have really integrated the environment better than before. The gift shops, the seagulls, the little tidbits here and there -- all of it makes your story feel alive. Keep it up!
14. Iris's plans:
Firstly, gramatically speaking, it should be "Iris' plans" instead of "Iris's plans", although latter's the way it is actually pronounced. Don't ask me why that's the way it is written, English is weird like that lol.
Once again, I can't help but keep stressing this, your description of the environment -- the chill atmosphere at a friend's home with all teens hanging out on the couch -- is just perfect. That's the way it should have been from the very beginning, keep it up!
I like how 'Ellie' just took Killua's merch after having his hoodie, feels like a certain friend of mine -- so I relate to her. Also, yay, Iris is getting El a new swimsuit! I can't wait to read it!
Anyway, that's all for now. I hope my critiques and pointing-out's were satisfactory, as they are designed to help you improve your work (and feel good about yourself, which you deserve to!).
Signing off,
The Rebel
For once, I'm not writing in my usual format, because I never see stories this long and well dedicated to. I know most of it is just dialogue, but really, it is quite a spectacular feat you did here. The following gives a description about my opinion on this story.
You have an amazing way of writing emotions. It feels so real and heavy, but also super natural and funny when it needs to be. Like that whiplash between El crying in Killua’s arms to Gon being Gon? Perfect. It keeps it from feeling too heavy but still lets the serious moments hit hard. The wheel of life has never been portrayed this well.
You’re doing great with switching between high-tension and light-hearted scenes. Maybe just slow a tiny bit more in the heavy scenes. Like, let El’s thoughts breathe a little before jumping into dialogue. For example, after she confesses about her parents, even just a short sentence like "The words hung in the air, heavy and painful." would give readers a beat to really feel it.
El’s voice is consistent and really lovable! You might want to keep an eye on how she gets embarrassed — sometimes she’s funny awkward, sometimes she goes really hard into self-loathing. It works for trauma reasons, but balancing it a little might make her feel even stronger.
So, concluding on all of these tips I wrote you, this story is ABSOLUTE CINEMA. Just needs a few tweaks here and there. Also, I think the opps are on to me or something. My review verification is asking that I wrote this completely by myself. That's kind of strange. I did try an unethical method of farming points, which was just spamming W for a long time, but the website thought it was an error. Please pray for my luck. Thank you for reading this, and cheers!
Thank you for that amazing review! It made my day! I will definitely take your tips; they are really helpful! I'm so glad that you like it!
-Hop
Wow this is such an intensively thrilling story. It had me on the edge of my seat reading. As the dream turns to nightmare, I'm flooding thoughts of what is to come, only to be more surprised than anything I could have guessed. This is just downright creatively remarkable with such a tremendous dialect in play that leaves me with repeating reels in my brain of what I read. I would so love to read more, so please keep me posted. You have just found a huge fan.