Published January 10, 2012
Equations, or Life as a Rhombus
To be no one, act as everyone, and subtract anyone you meet.
Make a soul by slowly roasting the heart, before peeling it off.
Form a worker by sticking carrots and cubing air.
Write a right hand through a mirror and leftist pulleys.
For politics, smoke the mirrors and bleach your polish.
Resolve academia to zero via powerful guitar solo.
Forge enjoyment – concoct a spiritual cola from exotic tears.
Remember well:
A squiggly d is a derivative is a slope – your existence means no more; nor less.
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Canary word: Present
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LOL! I have to say... this reminds me of some of the poems that I wrote when I had way too much math and science homework. You know... when you have way too much homework so you can't justify being creative with your own work until finally a poem is pretty much about to rip itself from your body. And, because the main conflict in your life is all the homework you have, that's what surfaces up. So, yeah. Been there, done that! Fortunately, it does get better.
I really like the fact that this is kind of a to-do list with instructions, so it kind of has that logical, no-nonsense feeling about it, but then it goes wild. I really like that!
I think I would like it more if you put more of a focus. It sounds like you're trying to say a lot of things -- about politics, the ignorance of society and their willingness to follow a show despite how misguided the show may be, the true lack of enjoyment they have in their activities, etc. But, they don't seem very connected well, so I think you can improve on them. By making the ideas more connected well, I think you'll be able to make this poem a lot more satirical and hard-hitting.
I know that you probably chose the disjointed style because you wanted to show off how disjointed society was, but I think that you can achieve the same effect by offering more examples, but connecting them further with the to-do list so that it seems like an instruction manual to fit in. It'll probably sound more bitter that way, but I think that would be awesome.
Hope this helps!
Here as I said I would be!
I'll apologize ahead of time though since I'm not much of a poet, and thus, I probably have no idea what I'm saying critique-wise. Add that on to the fact that it's 2am, and you've got yourself a hut full of crazy!
I'm sort of in love with your opening line. That's just... so full of awesome. An excellent beginning to your poem.
I kinda geeked out with this poem too. I loved it just because I could spot all the math allusions. XD It made me all giddy, and you use the terminology very well. It all fit together rather nicely, so it doesn't sound or feel clunky when I read it.
The first line there kinda hurt my head, and I'm still sort of lost as to what it means. XD It's undoubtedly just me, though. I can see the wordplay here with write/right/left, and that's just ridiculously awesome and clever. The meaning behind it kinda lost me though, so hopefully it's there in plain sight, and I'm just too tired to see it. xD
The second one is a really awesome follow-up though, regardless. Tying back to the mirror, and then there's a fun sort-of-alliteration balance with politics/polish.
The third one in the quote, though. I wasn't getting it. xD There's obviously some math terminology again, but the meaning escapes me.
And the last line of the poem? Again, it made me all giddy.
Sssso. I enjoyed this? It was a sort of puzzle I had fun solving. Obviously, I'm missing a couple pieces, but I'm sure it'll make sense to me eventually. I'm really slow at this sort of thing -- poetry just isn't natural to me at all. XD I really like how it follows a progression of life through mathematical terms though. That's just... amazing. and just. sets off my geekiness. XD
Well done! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!