z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Apple

by TheElderOne


Adam Celeste opened the door to his high-rise, downtown apartment and loosened the restrictive red tie around his neck. Taking off the tailored jacket, he plopped down on the plush couch and closed his sky blue eyes. He was a handsome, clean-shaven man with dark hair. Under the trim shirt and slacks, his build was tall and muscular. He was a modern Adonis, and his work as a well-known stockbroker made him all the more admirable.

He sighed contently and sank deeper into the couch's plushness. Once the stock exchange had closed at four, he had sped home in his Porsche, music blaring from the radio. Now he was home and free from the shouts, the arrogance, and the constant calls. In his pocket, his phone vibrated, drawing a groan from him. Almost free from the calls.

It was one of his clients, and one of the more snobby at that. Adam wanted to dash his phone against the marble floor at the sound of his client's voice, but he kept his temper check. They talked for ten minutes, and Adam reassured the client that his investments were safe even with a sharp drop in the markets. He grumbled darkly when the client hung up.

“What is it, darling?” At the sound of his wife's voice, Adam smiled and turned his head to see her. She was as beautiful as he was handsome. Her hair was long and golden, and she was willowy and elegantly dressed. Her green eyes were sharp and bright, and they studied her husband closely as she sat beside him. “Long day at work?” she asked, pecking him on the check. Her voice was rich and musical.

“Yes.” He sighed and threw an arm over his eyes. “I'd like to choke a few people right now actually. You ever have that feeling, Eve?”

“As an ambassador to a country that thinks that women are second-class citizens, I do.” She plucked an apple from the bowl on the glass table in front of them. “Apple?”

“No, thank you.”

Her eyes studied him for a few more seconds before she asked suddenly, “If we ever had children, what would you want first? A son or a daughter?”

Adam was caught off-guard by the question, and he raised an eyebrow. “Why? Are you pregnant?”

“No, I'm just speaking hypothetically.” She leaned against him and looked up through her long eyelashes. “But it could be real very soon. We are married.”

Adam nodded and thought about the question. “Well, I really don't know,” he said, rubbing his chin. “It really doesn't make any difference to me. I'd love my son or daughter just the same.” Eve smiled. “What do you think?”

“I think a son would be fine,” she murmured. “What kind of hair should he have?”

Adam didn't hesitate. “Blonde, just like you. I always wished I had been born with blonde hair.”

She gave a tinkling laugh. “Blonde hair would certainly go with your beautiful eyes. I think our son should have those, too.” Eve traced a pattern with her fingers on his chest. “I want him to be as tall as you, too. In college you had girls swooning over you left and right.”

He grinned. “And I picked you, didn't I? It's funny, actually. The jock ended up with the smartest and most beautiful girl on campus.” She smiled demurely and wrapped her arms around him. “Speaking of smarts, I hope this little son of ours is smart. Dashing good looks aren't the solution to everything.”

“But they're key to getting what you want. He will need your brow-” She kissed it. “-your nose-” She kissed that. “-and your mouth.” She kissed him and tugged at his lip playfully. He played along and kissed back, smiling between them. “What do you think?” she asked, pulling away slightly.

“I think you're very flattering,” Adam laughed. “But I think that our imaginary son should get your mouth. It would be odd to see a blonde version of me walking around, don't you think?”

She giggled at the joke and placed a hand on his chest endearingly. “Last question, I promise. Does your family have any kind of genetic illnesses or tendencies? Our son wouldn't need to receive that.”

“Cancer usually gets one of us,” Adam answered, taken aback by the question's seriousness. He wondered when their hypothetical son had become so real. “Can I ask why you're talking about this? Are you really pregnant?” He would have jumped in joy if she had been, but then she did something odd. Eve pulled out a brochure from her pocket and handed it to him.

“My supervisor gave this to me. He told me that it would change our life like it changed his,” she explained while Adam gazed at the title in surprise. “What do you think?” He didn't know what to think. The first thought that entered his mind was Can we even afford this?, and the second was Isn't this dangerous? His misgivings were clear on his face, and Eve again offered the fruit from the bowl before he could speak.

“Apple?” This time, Adam took it and took a bite. Juices spurted from the apple and dribbled down his chin. It was delicious, neither too sweet or too bitter, and the texture was perfect. The white under the red skin was pale as snow. Eve smiled winningly as he took another bite. He couldn't seem to have enough of it. He swallowed and regarded the brochure again.

Suddenly, the idea didn't seem too outlandish, and he seriously pondered it. If I could pull a few strings, he thought, The money will be there. He opened the brochure and read the hazards. There was none, and he grinned. A matching grin rest on his wife's lips which he kissed lovingly. “Alright, I'm game. Do you want to?” She returned the kiss and laughed.

“I want nothing else but to raise our son.”

The next day at work, Adam maneuvered through the writhing throngs of people on the stock exchange's floor and opened the door to his small but comfortable office. He picked up the cordless phone from its stand and dialed the number to his most generous client who gave millions away daily in donations, public and private. He settled in his chair while he waited.

There was a pause for the dial tone, and in two rings, a bored male voice answered the phone. “This is Mr. Risinger's office. How can I serve you?”

“Gabriel, this is Adam. Can you transfer me to Jason?”

On the other end, Gabriel brightened. “Adam! Of course I can do that. Can I ask what you need to talk to Michael about?”

“Just private business. Nothing important. His investments are as healthy as ever.”

Gabriel transferred the call, and there was barely a pause before Michael's deep voice came through. “Adam, it's nice of you to call. Gabriel said you have private matters to discuss with me?” Adam told him about his and Eve's decision, and Michael harrumphed uncertainly. “Think about what you're doing, Adam. This is questionably ethical and something I would never do.”

“Please, Michael. I just need one of your donations. It's chump change to what you usually give out.”

“Yes, but when I donate, I make sure that my funds are being used to help people, not to further a selfish cause.”

Adam leaned forward and lowered his voice. “Look, Mr. Risinger, how much money have I made you since you've been my client?”

“Lots, and I'm grateful to you.”

“Then return the favor. My wife and I need this.” A long silence followed, and Adam thought Michael had hung up before he heard a disappointed sigh. “Mr. Risinger? Michael? What is it?”

“I can't do it, Mr. Celeste,” he replied. “It's-it's not something I would ever do or let someone else do. Please rethink your choice.” He halted and sighed again. “I thought you were better than that. I know my boss did.” He hung up, and Adam listened to the tone for several minutes before running a hand through his hair.

He reluctantly dialed the number of another client, one he didn't entirely trust. The phone hadn't rung even once before an oily voice hissed, “Hello?” Adam winced as if the man pained him, and he slowly explained the decision. The client chuckled darkly. “I will certainly help you, Adam. I'm not as noble as Mr. Risinger, and I can understand why you're so anxious.” Adam shifted uneasily, and the man reassured him that the money would be available whenever he needed it. “I've always wanted to help you somehow.” There was an edge to his next words. “You can return the favor later.”

The phone went dead, and Adam stared at it, doubting himself. Was this decision really worth owing the client a favor? Adam had always taken care of his stock dutifully, and that client could be snappish and petty at times but then charming and convincing at others. And there was something about his voice, something that made shivers crawl down his back. Was the risk greater than the reward?

He shook his head and straightened, reaching for the phone to carry on normal business. His resolve was strong again. He and Eve were starting a family, and the money would help them reach that first step. Why had he doubted it in the beginning?

Weeks later, he and Eve sat in the sterile office of a bland doctor who informed them about their decision and its possible consequences. After his monotone, mandatory speech, he handed them a stack of paperwork. With the client's oily words still in his mind, Adam flourished his signature on the bottoms, but one slot held contention.

“What should we name him?” asked Eve. “I'm embarrassed that we didn't even give that any thought.”

“So am I,” Adam admitted. He tapped his chin pensively. Many names floated around his mind, but one distinguished itself from the others. “Cain. His name should be Cain.”

“Cain?” she repeated, rolling it on her tongue. She nodded slowly. “Cain. I love it.” Adam wrote in the last slot, and they returned the papers to the doctor. Once the papers were in hand, the doctor spoke again in the same flat tone.

“We will need gametes from both of you. If you will follow me, I will lead you to the room.” After they had given and walked outside the clinic, Eve pecked Adam on the lips. She was slightly sore from the procedure, but the fact that she would carry their child in a month or two excited her.

“I love you, honey.”

He smiled, but then it faded as the slithering words came to mind. “What is it?”

“It-it's nothing, darling. I just hope I'm cut out to be a father.”

She shook her head and hugged him. “Don't worry, Adam. You'll be the father that every child will envy Cain for.”

A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, and the coming months were a mixture of tension and euphoria for him. When Eve started to show, Adam's stress would ease just a little every time he saw her bulging belly. However, he was stuck waiting for the oily man's call to return the favor. Everyday he made the same routine calls to all his clients but remained poise to switch calls if needed. He hoped that the man would forget, but inwardly he knew that was not going to happen.

Still, their happiness far outweighed his anxiety, and he thought it a fair trade-off even if doubts would creep into his mind every so often. As Cain's due date grew closer, they went through the motions of normal, rich parents. Eve would invite her friends over for grand baby showers that cost thousands, and Adam worried about if they had enough room in their spacious apartment. It calmed him down, and when he received a phone call stating that Eve was in labor at the hospital.

Now, he sat in the opulent waiting room His feet drummed against the granite floor, and his hands beat a rhythm on his thighs. His tie, this one black, was rumpled and hung loosely, and his shirt sleeves were pushed up to the elbows, the picture of worry. Nine, long months of waiting had led to this. Eve hadn't wanted him to be in the delivery room, so now he was stuck waiting yet again.

His cell phone vibrated, and he considered not answering before unwillingly pulling it from his pocket. He stiffened at the caller ID and put it up to his ear. “Hello?”

“Adam, how nice of you to pick up.” The oily voice had lost its magic and sounded like nails against a chalkboard. “Do you remember our agreement all those months ago?” His s's were drawn-out, raising the hair on the back of Adam's neck.

“Yes, I do.”

“Good, good. I'm calling in my favor. You're in charge of Mr. Risinger's stocks? You have his ear?”

“Yes.” A rock settled in Adam's stomach.

“Then bring his company crashing down on top of him.”

“What?” Adam demanded in shock. “Do you know what that would do to the market? His company is involved in almost every field, and if he goes away, everything goes belly-up!”

“Do it, Adam.”

“I will not.”

“Too bad. I was thinking of letting you keep your child if you helped me.”

The rock turned icy. “You wouldn't dare,” he whispered.

“I would, and I will. You bring Michael Risinger's and his superior's company down, and you keep your child. If you don't... ” The grating voice chuckled like rocks rolling down a mountainside. “Well, I've always wanted a son.” The line went dead, and the phone dropped from Adam's hand. He stared at the floor, conflicted over what to do. He didn't doubt the man's power, but to bring down Michael was unspeakable. He was a charitable man, a man that the world needed now and in the future.

But was he worth as much as Adam's son?

A slow shake of the head answered that, and a doctor came through the double doors and smiled tiredly. “It's done, Mr. Celeste.” Adam stood, and a wave of relief washed over him. The doctor motioned for him to follow. “There were no complications, even with the development of your son,” the doctor stated. “Young Cain has the genetic markers for your athletic abilities and your wife's intelligence. The geneticist even managed to turn off the hereditary marker for your family's cancer. It's a miracle of science to dictate who your child will be, no?”

Adam barely listened as they came into the room where Eve rested. She looked up tiredly, bags and shadows under her eyes, but her expression was proud. She cradled their child in her arms, and she held Cain out for his father to see. Under pink eyelids, Adam could glimpse sky-blue eyes matching his own, and the fuzz on the baby's head was the same shade of gold as his mother's. “What do you think, honey?” he asked, the promise he had made echoing in his head.

She smiled. “He's perfect.”


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Sun Mar 08, 2015 4:36 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



Oh man. I like this story a lot. Like, I wish I wrote this story. This is so cool. I actually became a bioengineer because I loved reading about genetic engineering in sci fi. This is more dystopia, but whatever. Still like it.

Just a couple of things...

1. You use about five bazillion adjectives in your first and second paragraph. After the second paragraph, you use less and move on to actually telling the story, which is good, but you really need to trim it down. Figure out what is important to you in displaying Adam's perfection and then tone it down. Or, figure out another way to describe his perfection with less adjectives. For instance, what if, instead of having a Porsche, he had a Lambo? Also, saying "luxury Porsche" is silly. If people are so stupid that they don't know that a Porsche is a super car, they don't deserve to read this story.

2. I agree with Wolfare1 and think that the apple taste months later is kind of bashing us in the head with the allegory. Yes, you totally did a cool retelling of this story which has a very chilling ending. But, I think (hope?) that most of your readers kind of get the imagery, so you don't need to bring it up again. Subtlety is good.

3. Seeing as part of the Adam/Eve thing was pain in childbirth, I wish that you kind of did a really quick blurb of how much of an effort it was to have the pregnancy. Pregnancy is a weird thing, and this would be a sort of nod to the original story. But, this might just be a personal preference.

4. I kind of like the fact that this is just a short story. I know some people want you to expand it, but I like that it stands on its own two feet.

Anyway, much kudos! I really really liked this... and no, I am not just saying this just because. :P Much respect for this work. It's well written. (Though... I wouldn't mind some editing on the first two paragraphs. ;))




TheElderOne says...


Thanks! I've been reworking the story to include some of the details mentioned by all who mentioned them. I'll put it out when I can.



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Sun Mar 08, 2015 4:07 pm
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hmm, after reading the other's comments, I admit I have no knowledge about the Christianity's version of the apple story (in Islam, Adam and Eve ate it because they heard it could make them permanent members of Heaven, but it brought them down to Earth). I can see though how the apple represents the tempting offer, which in this case, to shape a baby to the parents' taste - precise and accurate with no faults following up.

I found the interaction between Eve and Adam to be the part that made me want to read this piece the most. I thought it could be elaborated more to both show the dynamic of those married couple and their characters. For me, Eve stood out more than Adam here - she seemed persuasive, intelligent, and prideful in contrast with Adam who seemed to be following whatever she said. Adam only expressed his doubts and not presented his reasons for the refusal (if he had one) of having a baby in a unusual, never-been-made-before scientific way.

To sum it up, the plot itself was interesting enough, the pacing of it a little too fast through the second part, and the characters should be developed more. I hoped there would be a conflict regarding the baby, since I only saw hints of it. Nonetheless, this was an interesting piece and well-written.




TheElderOne says...


Thanks, and I'm currently editing this story to work in the details you mentioned.



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Sat Mar 07, 2015 6:20 pm
Rurouni says...



This... This made me think.




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Sat Mar 07, 2015 5:04 pm



I can't believe how clever this is. :D




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Sat Mar 07, 2015 3:59 pm
Sonder says...



I adore this.




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Fri Mar 06, 2015 2:32 am
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lonelygirl wrote a review...



Hey there!

First of all, I really enjoyed this. Like, loved it! :) This is so cool, and honestly I would love to read an expanded version. Maybe fast-forward to a jealous Cain killing his genetically modified brother, Abel...

I think you did an excellent job of incorporating the apple and representing Adam and Eve's 'veering away from God' as the decision to design their own baby. I also think it would be neat to maybe expand this idea and include some kind of punishment from God (or whatever represents God) after Eve gives birth.

This really is great work. I would love to read more!




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Fri Mar 06, 2015 1:42 am
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Inked wrote a review...



This was intresting. Taking the story of Adam and Eve and twisting it. It was scary to me at first. I wasn't sure whatvi was diving into, but you did a nice job with it. It honestly isn't my type of story, but I can acknowledge that it was well written. I usually like mystery, and the unseen hand concept, none of which you used. I understand that was the point, but if you were trying to twist the story of Adam and Eve you would still need God.
This is not me being overly religious, I am just a person that likes to see the match up. I want to read this story and be like, oh I get it! The Apple is--
The pamphlet is--...
I'm not sure if my review is helpful, but I'm trying.
you did a good job with imagery in the begging half of the story, but the second half you lacked the imagery. Maybe that is just me, but I would have liked some more detail there.
~Inked




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Wed Mar 04, 2015 8:34 am
Seraphinaxx wrote a review...



Wow, those two last words were a great ending. I love the irony of how the original story is about a fall from perfection, but you ended your story with Eve describing her son as perfect.

One of the things I liked was that I felt like it was actually paced rather well. You established the characters and then gradually moved into the main idea, which I assume is about why humans shouldn't play God. I also disagree with Wolfare about the apple. I feel like the symbolism behind it, how it represents their choice to play God, means it makes sense to have it mentioned a few times.

Another thing I liked was how the conflict was quite subtle. It was all in the dialogue and Adam's thoughts, how he wanted the baby to be perfect, but was having doubts. How he wasn't sure whether they should, whether it was safe and I suppose, whether it was morally right.

I feel like this is actually quite a controversial topic at the moment, as I believe some countries are actually considering the whole genetically modifying babies to prevent them from having diseases. A lot of people who are against it are saying that if you start doing that, then where does it stop. When do we decide we've screwed around with genetic to the point of going to far?

But I'm getting quite deep here. I did really enjoy your story, and am definitely interested to see what you write in the future.




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Tue Mar 03, 2015 4:20 pm
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hey, Elder.

One thing I enjoyed about this story is how you intertwined the biblical tale of the Garden of Eden into a much more modern sense, and it wasn't subtle either. But I feel like you did it well, except for one detail. The whole point of the tale is to show how people have sins and there is temptation, which is thus the apple, and temptation leads to sins (sins then equating to bad things happening.) But I don't quite understand what the 'sin' or consequence here is. Yes, there's the apple showing the temptation of having this perfect child. Even Eve takes the first bite, but when they receive the child, they seem happy. There's not exception to the rule, which throws me off.

Also, the apple is reoccuring throughout this entire place, but I don't see what else it could mean. Temptation, yes, but this one particular 'sin' is done. It's over. The temptation has been fulfilled and then it will move on to another item which may not be the best choice. Perhaps, make this more clear. The subtly you have here is nice, but it's a little too vague. Anyone would think, "How is an apple still being tasted months later."

The ending is interesting, ending off with Eve mentioning how he is their perfect child (which is so ironic, considering Adam and Eve in the biblical story became sinful and lost perfection when they took the apple) but it seems like something is missing. It ends rather abruptly, not showing how it affects their lives at all. It also seems like, the rest of their lives sort if fade away as the stories goes on. You start off with Adam coming home from work, talking to his client, but it feels unnecessary. We don't see personality much throughout this. It's just kind if there. Perhaps connect his work with all this somehow, or even tie in how the scraped the money together.

Towards the beginning, you have a really nice flow and a good pacing, but as it moves further on, it seems that everything is rushed together and hurried to get to the parts about the baby. As mentioned earlier, the lives fade away and the transitions just feel really rushed. It jumps months ahead in the span of one sentences, and I'm left wondering, does anything change? The quickness of the decision is understandable, but don't do their security change based on how their life goes? I know in the actual story, once it's done, they have regret. Perhaps make a slightly larger summary of events between the time jumps.

Besides some extra repetition here and there, the actual writing is really good. Slowly, I was able to sink into the story, and your dialogue was very realistic. The occasional descriptions here and there were a nice touch, but just be careful that they appear like they'll matter. For instance, when Adam was mentioned as being athletic, I was confused about why I would care.

Anyways, I enjoyed this a lot. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~




TheElderOne says...


Thank you very much, Wolfare.

I am thinking that the sin is pride of thinking that Adam and his wife could create a baby without God's help. They, to me, play God in creating the baby. As for the consequences, I might expand this story to be a bit longer and include that.

So you think the apple needs to be a one-time thing? OK, I understand that. What do you mean by 'move on to another item which may not be the best choice'?

OK, I see what you mean with involving his work in with the process of getting the baby. Eve will be in there, too. A few ideas popped into my head as soon as I read that.

Again, I can fix the time problems with one or two or three good paragraphs.

Thank you again! This was very useful feedback that I usually don't get!



Wolfare1 says...


By 'move on', I mean to another sin. Because once on 'sin' is done, usually it's seen to be easier for people to accept temptation again and again. So the apple can occur again, but for something else that's seen as 'sinful' and wrong.

When you edit it some more, I'd love to read it again. It was quite interesting ^^



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Tue Mar 03, 2015 11:12 am
strawberryjacuzzi wrote a review...



This is actually so cool. I've decided, after taking the time to wrap my mind around this, that I really like it. I love that this seems like your take on the classical biblical tale, or that it at least holds some of the classical elements of the biblical tale, and I also love that you made it your own. The only thing is that the comma in the phrase, "Nine, long months" kind of confuses me, but other than that, this is quite good.





You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author