Veri: Prologue

by TheClosetKidnapper

Published August 19, 2012

In Novel 5

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A/N: Though this is in third person, the chapters will be written in first, possibly varying between two characters. Is that okay? And if I do use two MCs, do I have to add in something about the second one in the prologue, or just keep the one of most importance? 

Ten years earlier…

 

                The pulse of the messenger boy pounds in his head and through his limbs as he sprints down the icy path, clutching the last thing written by his deceased elder. He pulls himself up the steps of the ice palace and busts through the doors of the main hall. King Bryme’s personal guards prevent him from passing any further, urging the little boy to calm and state his business.

 

                “I need to meet his Highness’s acquaintance,” he gasps, waving the message in the air, “I have word about the Princess, from the late Miss Clint!”

 

                The guards stiffen at the mention of the last name, glancing at each other before allowing passage into the throne room. Picking up the pace again, the messenger boy speeds along the hallway and only skids to a stop before his Majesty, who meets him in the frosty walkway along his walk around the palace. He stumbles back a bit before regaining his composure and handing over the message.

 

                “Your Highness,” he drops to his knees, bowing, “My mistress sent me with her last breath. She spoke of your daughter and told me to rush. She said it was urgent.”

 

                Catching his breath, the boy watches with intensity as King Bryme unfolds the message. His eyes quickly scan back and forth before turning sorrowful. With a sigh, he folds the paper back up and slips it beneath his royal garb.

 

                “Dismissed,” he breathes.

 

                The messenger boy wastes no time, bolting back out of the corridor and the way he came. King Bryme gazes over the ancient ice carvings all over the walls of his palace before deciding to take care of things himself. He wearily waltzes up the frozen steps into the cavern he had sculpted for his daughter.

 

A weak smile spreads across his lips when he finds her curled up under the duvet, clutching her stuffed polar bear. She doesn’t even stir when he whisks his hand over her forehead and plants a kiss where her hair meets skin.

 

With a thought, light surrounds the two and reveals a dimly lit porch, foreign chills shuddering down the daughter’s spine as she sleeps. King Bryme brings her thin blanket tighter around his toddler and brushes his hand against her rosy cheek.

 

“It is for the best, my daughter,” he whispers, “Someday, you’ll realize that what I’m doing is for the good of all. Even if it means your beloved memories must be taken.”

 

He stands and backs up, the only tear he’s ever shed rolling down his cheek.

 

“You will be the hope we have needed for years,” he finishes, disappearing at the last word.

 

Moments pass before the door on the porch opens and an older woman walks out. She gasps at the sight of the abandoned child and glances around for any sign of where the guardian had gone. Tightening her shawl around her shoulders, she scoops the child up and carries her into the building. She lays her down in a crib and notices the golden chain delicately hanging from her neck. Looking closely, she reads the engraving and makes out the charm to be that of a snowflake.

 

“Sera… Such a fitting name,” she whispers to herself before turning and heading back up to the employees’ quarters.

 

The child stirs, clutching her bear closer, and shivers for the first time in her life. 

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
ArahAkachi1
Comment
ArahAkachi1 commented Comment · Sep 18, 2012

I'm in love with this so far. Can't wait to read more.

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Azirah
Review
Azirah wrote a review Review · Aug 26, 2012

All right. So I'll admit having read the first chapter right after I read this prologue, because this prologue was, out of the few prologues I've read in this site so far, the only one that actually seemed to stand a chance at being a valid prologue, in my opinion. Despite being a little cliché and rather expected (I could smell the story from a mile away, given this prologue, so I suggest having a few subversions and tricks up your sleeve if you plan to go with this type of story), it was the only one that struck me as possibly containing information that would be vital for the proceeding chapters.

Having read only one chapter, I'm still unsure if this is vital information. The first chapter certainly didn't require me to have prior knowledge of anything that's been revealed in this prologue. Additionally, if the story follows the path I presume it'll take, I don't think I need to know any of this in advance at all - it would be more interesting to find out as the story unfolds.

Still, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. My current opinion is to scrap this prologue, but if you do provide me with an interesting enough twist that required this prologue later on, I'll be willing to forgive it.

On to the writing itself - you need to work on your flow, my friend. The rhythm of your writing is all over the place, and it keeps jarring me out of the narrative. Work on having the sentences run fluidly. Read the piece out loud and revise any sentences that made you stumble. A number of sentences here made me stumble - I'd like to point out one in the beginning as an example.

The pulse of the messenger boy pounds in his head and through his limbs as he sprints down the icy path, clutching the last thing written by his deceased elder


It's too long, and there are too many things cluttering the sentence. Try to cut down on the adjectives and split the sentence into two. As one more tip unrelated to flow, but still related to writing, avoid using the word "thing". It's vague and implies that you, the writer, is unsure exactly what he is clutching. If there is a better/more precise word, then by all means use that word. Don't be afraid to use it.

As Mark Twain said, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."

-

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katngo73
Review
katngo73 wrote a review Review · Aug 20, 2012

Hiiiii!!!!
Oh my gosh, I loved this prologue SO SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO MUCH.
It was just absolutely stunning, and the child... oh my gosh. I'm already a fan.
The ending just wants me to read the first chapter all ready.
I want to know what this kid is going to become!!
Great job, and keep writing!!! :)

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PixieStix
Review
PixieStix wrote a review Review · Aug 19, 2012

Rocky! I shall review this for you. :)

I like this..alot. It really brings the reader in, and I think that's what you want in a prologue, right? This was sad though - to be honest I was almost starting to cry lol - and I think that gave some suspense to the story that you're trying to tell here.

What really caught my attention is what the messenger boy delivered to the king. In the first chapter, or maybe last, to keep the reader reading, would be a great way to explain what the note said, and why the king left her.

I understand that the kingdom is a frost kingdom, the way you've said=

He pulls himself up the steps of the ice palace and busts through the doors of the main hall. King Bryme’s personal guards prevent him from passing any further, urging the little boy to calm and state his business.


And:

. Picking up the pace again, the messenger boy speeds along the hallway and only skids to a stop before his Majesty, who meets him in the frosty walkway along his walk around the palace.


These hints made me wonder how on earth, a little kid like that could survive in such a place, and how she was sleeping with a thin blanket. Does she have powers? Is that why the little kid - when the lady found her - had shivvered for teh first time? I think you need to explain this a little more; and give some thought into the words.

A tiny bit more detail wouldn't hurt either. This is detailed; don't get me wrong, but to make it even better try to add a little more. That would make this prologue amazing.

That's all I really saw wrong with this, so keep writing. :D

~Pix

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Pikaness Comment
Pikaness commented Comment · Aug 19, 2012

I thought this was really good! I love how the sentences seemed to flow, it was amazing. It also pulled the reader in......it's so mysterious! I must say this is excellent!



I'm tired of books having villains who are just villains for no reason.
— EllieMae