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by TheChristianWriter

Published May 21, 2017

In My First Folder

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Crowned with righteousness

Clothed in white

Jesus has turned our permanent darkness to light

Though many protest

Though many deceive

The blood of the lamb has made us clean

Despite cloudy skies

Despite stormy seas

Sin and Hell, we are saved from these

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Aley
Review
Aley wrote a review Review · May 22, 2017

Hello TheChristianWriter

First off, welcome to YWS! You're here at just the right time to get a lot of reviews on poems and things.

Overall, I think this poem has a good sense of self. Your tone of voice with the repetition is really clear and I think you've got a style picked out for yourself which will probably grow and develop over time, but right now it's obvious that you're writing from a place of preaching and that you want to impress people with what you're saying.

One thing I would like to say is that you're sort of mish-mashing your styles of capitalization and punctuation by having line capitalization but no punctuation. In this case, I think it would be best to either go to sentence capitalization, or add in punctuation. The poem reads like it has end punctuation, which could give you a problem of sounding somewhat novice with your writing style, but I think for the tone of this poem, that might be okay. You can find out more about the capitalization here Capitalization in Poetry and if you're curious about punctuation options, you can check out this article here Punctuation in Poetry

The last thing I want to say is that since you're new to YWS, you might like to check out the guides to how to format poetry on YWS so you can choose your stanza breaks and line breaks at will without this spaced nightmare we get for double spacing all of the paragraphs in a novel. How to Format Poetry

All in all, I think the longer you're on here, the more you review, and the more you write, the better you'll get. Just keep going!

Aley

Thanks! -this is my old account-

User avatar
rohan
Review
rohan wrote a review Review · May 21, 2017

Hi, TheChristianWriter! Let's run into my review of your work very quickly.
I found the poem very simple and concise which is a good thing. The message is very clear. It has got a proper rhythm and the rhyme scheme is maintained.
The poem runs as a single stanza throughout (maybe it's just because of enter after every line, use shift + enter when you're not changing stanzas), but the pattern seems to be of three lines a stanza, and three stanzas. Now, here when I read the first para:

Crowned with righteousness
Clothed in white
Jesus has turned our permanent darkness to light

I find the last line abnormally longer than the rest two which makes it difficult for me to read as it breaks the flow. Instead, you could have broken the last line into two separate lines.

I particularly liked the first three lines which I feel were the strongest. The rest of the stanzas' end were good, but the build up for them were not as strong as in the case of the first one.

Overall, I liked your work. Keep Writing!
PS: Hopefully, it wasn't a very harsh review because I'd hate you to feel discouraged. You've got potential!
-Rohan

User avatar
Sassafras
Review
Sassafras wrote a review Review · May 21, 2017

Hello, TheChristianWriter! My name is Reise and I'm here to review your goods ^^

First, this is a nice, simple poem with a good a consistent rhythm. However, it feels in need of structure. I understand that it's a very short poem, but even with short poem's there's always some room for stanzas and organization.

I especially like the line "The blood of the lamb has made us clean" simply because of the stark contrast in imagery - blood cleaning something. It's a vivid scene, but I do think "lamb" in reference to Jesus should be capitalized.

I also enjoyed the opening here, mainly the way the first two lines interact with the alliteration on the letter "c". I would have liked to see this alliteration continued throughout the rest of the poem, and it is to an extent. But repetition is not the same as alliteration and the starts of your next two "stanzas" use the former method.

I think, overall, the flow of this poem could be improved if the opening was converted from alliteration to repetition, or vice-versa with the following stanzas. But I can see why you made it as is. These are simply my ramblings and advice ^^

Overall, ChristianWriter, this was a lovely poem. Keep your faith strong and keep writing :D

-Reise



seagulls are bad sea chickens with no sense of humanity
— Kay (novembercrow)