So Sad the Place

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin people could relate since some people since we could have knew someone who has died or at least someone who was close (someone could have died since they wanted to be with the person they love.) Also has some end rhymes yet those end rhymes give a great tone as of sorrow or something.

Nitpick(s):

She saw her in that tiny boot, That beautiful Teddy Bear

That was so beautiful!!! Definitely sad.. As a reader, I'm flooded with emotions. I have nothing but praise for you and your writing!!

If I was a more emotional person, then it would've definitely made me weep. I think it's great that you kept it short and simple, that's part of what made it an enjoyable piece to read. I also very much like the loop ending that you executed within this poem. All in all, I did enjoy it very much!

Though I do think you are missing some much needed "and"s that would create less breaks in your sentences and make it perhaps a little more flowy. That way you won't have to use as many commas and I spy some sentences that could use a conjunction such as and, or maybe something even like "for" etc. etc.

Also I don't believe that a comma is needed before and if your intention was to connect two simple sentences. A pause would seem unnecessary as the and accounts for that. A very beautiful concept though and addressed in a very poetic or indirect manner, which only added to the beauty of this piece.

Everything else has been pretty much mentioned, though I must say, I do rather prefer poems that rhyme.

I hope this helps and if it doesn't then simply disregard it.

Hello, darling! I haven't read your other review, so I risk repeating what they've said.

To begin with, I have one thing I want you to try with this - scrap every single little comma and punctuation mark, then add in only the ones you absolutely need. "Because there's a line break" is not a reason. "Because it makes the poem flow better" is only a reason if it works with the poem's actual flow and it's at least slightly grammatical. You have so many commas, and a comma is meant to signify a 4rbreath in literature, so I feel like reading this, I would hyperventilate.

At this point, because of the sheer number of unnecessary commas where I suppose line breaks were meant to be, I'm not actually sure what a lot of your lines are supposed to say. It takes a lot of scrutiny on the reader's end to figure it out, and that should never be an issue unless it's symbolic scrutiny. This is most definitely not.

Also, some of your word choice seems very arbitrary and rather weak. "Un-painful", for example - did you mean "painless"? If you say "and painless", you even keep your rhythm and stress on the proper syllables.

"Unrequited grief" makes me think of "unrequited love", which makes me think of romance fiction - while it might technically be correct, all it really means is "the grief is not returned by the other person", and it might be a stronger phrase if you used something else - "unresolved", if you want to keep that feeling and the un- prefix, or even alter the line slightly to read "Always to know the shadow of grief" or something that gives us more of an emotional feeling rather than telling us what's basically just plain "grief".

Your meter seems a little off and flows oddly, especially towards the middle. While if this had music to it, this might be an off-rhythm bridge section to differentiate the parts of the music, it still feels odd reading it, especially since it looks like half of your line breaks didn't make it through. If you're going to have a set meter in your poetry, you need to stick to the meter, and if you're going to have specific patterns of stressed syllables, you need to stick to that solidly. I suppose the bottom line is, "If you're going to have a structure, actually use and keep to that structure". I don't care if you're writing in dactylic spondaic trochaic iambic dodecameter, as long as your poem stays in dactylic spondaic trochaic iambic dodecameter unless it has a good reason to leave that.

I also feel like a lot of your images rely on cliches, and they don't have real emotion behind them. The "stairway" to Heaven, for one, or even the execution of the woman wasting away after the loss of her baby girl - while I understand the idea of the grief, there's a better way to show it than literally saying "she was fading away and the stairway to Heaven was opening up in front of her and she would be rejoined with her daughter".

A lot of this has been done many times, and you absolutely have to bring your own style and twist to it.

I do enjoy some of your phrases - I like the concept of the girls "beneath the woods were lain", and your rhyme doesn't sound forced in most cases, but I think some of the rhymes - "everywhere/bear/stare" - do, and they could use a second look. (Also, "everywhere" is one word, and "teddy bear" isn't capitalized - and what's the time period on this? If it was before Theodore Roosevelt, it wouldn't be called a teddy bear.)

Overall, it's not bad, it's not mediocre, it's not good - it's hovering someplace in-between, and I think a lot of the way it turns out is going to be in the way you approach the editing and actually edit it. Keep writing!

Hello, TheCardsHaveNoMemory (great username, by the way)! I'm just gonna nitpick a bit, if that's okay with you.

Heeeeerrrrreeee we go...

1. Why is everything capitalized after the comma? (I.E. "So sad the place, For the ones who knew it," and "So long ago, a girl, Once treasured,", etc.)

2. "She saw her in that tiny boot, That beautiful Teddy Bear." 'That' should not be capitalized. Also, why did you decide on 'Teddy Bear'? Because it had to rhyme? 'Teddy Bear' takes away from the sorrow of the poem. (And 'Bear' shouldn't be in caps.)

3. I think this poem would be a bit better if you didn't rhyme it.

4. "A Mother and daughter rejoining, a faint outline of what could be. . ." The word 'mother' should not be capitalized.

Sorry for the short review and keep writing!

-IronSpark