Many days i must wait for salvation
Waiting for justice in this stray nation
Finding our chance in newfound redemption
As we try to rid the world of temptation
Alas we lose ourselves in lies
Costing ourselves our lives
we turn to our soul and plead forgivness
but those tomentors will tourture regardless
As we arise with the darkened wings of rebellion
The shackles of our suffering is broken
Our own little truth, a idea is spoken
We are finnaly rid of this horrid way of life
And so as we feel ourselves in so much pain
I have to bear it all, while going insane
I am rid of my will, my own desires
As the promised land i dreamed of was burned out like a fire
And to overcome this hellish times
I sit alone, writing rhymes
And as all my pain overflows, I whine
As im put back together by Tormented Twine
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138,375 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Czar I liked the rhyming you used in here as I think it did make the poem feel more emotional, and somehow kind of like a rap / slam-poem. I do think though the language felt a bit hyperbolic given that you don't really describe whatever the speaker is so upset about.
I'm not sure if "tormented twine" is a specific reference to something I'm missing, but the poem was a bit hard to crack because it was almost all emotional reaction without specific description of where the emotion was coming from.
I agree with whatcha that taking a second look at the capitalization inconsistencies will definitely make the poem feel a bit more polished, a quick note "finnaly" should be "finally" as well.
One area I think you had strength in this poem was in your word choice! You had a few areas of slight assonance and consonance to amplify the phrasing and these were nice little sound devices to include. And you did use a few more imaginative words like "shackles of our suffering" which were nice little additions that sort of elevated the poem's feeling.
Overall, I think you need to dig into the conflict more specifically so that readers can relate and understand what's going on. But this poem appears to have been written with a lot of heart, and you have the right building blocks here, so I hope you take another look at it.
~alliyah
Hello CardCzar! I hope you're enjoying YWS so far - I thought I'd stop by to review your first poem on the site!
This has a pretty dark subject, and I think the language and tone you've used throughout the poem reflects that really well. The rhyming also contributes really nicely to the overall mood - and most of the rhymes are very strong! One thing I did want to mention about the rhyming is that since for the most part you rhyme in couplets - meaning the lines rhyme in sets of two - it's a good idea to stay consistent throughout. For the most part, it is consistent, however there are a couple of lines that don't seem to be part of the rhyming scheme, and I'd recommend checking those out.
"rebellion" here doesn't rhyme with any lines next to it;
Same goes for "life".
(also, very minor typo here - "finnaly" should be "finally")
However, that being said, I really the rest of the rhymes, especially the lines
Because not only do they rhyme really well, they use some really lovely imagery -> "burned out like a fire". If you wanted to add onto this you could think about how the fire burned out - was it drenched in water or buried in sand? starved of oxygen? what could the water/sand/oxygen represent? But it's really great as is, that's just something extra!
One thing I want to mention about this poem, that applies to all poetry, is capitalization. There are absolutely no rules about capitalization; in a poem, you could choose to capitalize the first word of every line, or not capitalize anything, or use sentence-case (capitalize the first word of every sentence) -> all of those are completely valid options, and can be used for different effects, however it is generally a good idea to stick to one style of capitalization throughout a given poem.
For example, in one line of this poem, you capitalize the pronoun "I",
Whereas in the very next poem, you don't:
This could very well be a typo, so no worry! But that is something to think about.
Also, technically the whole poem is one sentence, since there are no periods. I personally would suggest dividing it into sentences, to separate the different thoughts, but that is up to you. However, whatever you choose to do, I recommend keeping the capitalization consistent. Right now, some lines are capitalized and some aren't, pretty randomly. So if you leave as is, with no periods, you could choose three general ways to capitalize:
1) capitalize the first letter of every single line (I think that might've been what you were going for, as almost all the lines are capitalized like this; if that is what you wanted, you can just capitalize the other couple of lines and you're all set!)
2) capitalize the beginning of the sentence -> this would mean only the very first line is capitalized.
3) don't capitalize the beginnings of sentences or lines -> everything would be lowercase.
If you add periods, the same three options still apply, but if you choose option 2 then some lines would start with capitalized letters and some wouldn't.
Having said all that (I know I wrote a lot about capitalization, which seems like a minor aspect of a poem, but I think it's an important polishing detail), there really aren't any rules so technically you don't need to change the capitalization at all. It's just a way of communicating intention to the reader and also giving the poem a finished feel.
Anyways, enough about capitalization
Overall, really well done! This is a wonderful first poem! I hope you find this review helpful, and if you have any questions at all feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Well another good piece of art. The words are placed at the correctly and in rhythm. The poetry tells about the things we do to redeem ourselves. The flow is good and the message is clearly depicted.
It states the struggle we face to wash our sins away and the pain we bear by burdening ourselves with the sin.
Over all it's a good poetry.