Chapter 2
A New Friend
Kevin was in his room working on physics homework it wasn’t terribly difficult but he did study when he wasn’t in school or when he was moving around. Now he had to, for school, now that he had a permanent home. He knew he was older than most of the freshmen he should be a sophomore at this age be he was constantly moving around to different foster families and different school so he never really completed his freshmen year. So here he was in senior classes during his freshmen year. His other credits counted so technically he could just stay home and not do anything for his freshmen year, but he found that this was one of the few places where he could socialize. Kevin went down stairs after he had finished his homework and said to his mom as he was headed out the door “Hey mom I’m going for a walk down the street!” “Ok Kevin just be back by six o’clock got it?” “Got it mom love you see you at six.” Kevin loved to walk down the street one thing he didn’t tell his mom is that he enjoyed walking around the graveyard about six blocks away near the park. He felt almost at home when he was there. Sometimes when life got hard he would sit next to his parent’s graves and just talk to them as if they could listen and sometimes he felt almost like there was an answer. He knew there was no way that could be possible but he just couldn’t shake the feeling. Once he got there he was greeted by a somewhat deep baritone voice. “You know I have been here for a long time.” Said the unknown voice. “Who’s that!?” Said Kevin “I’m a friend don’t worry we have known each other for a long time Kevin.” “What’s your name? Where are you?” Said Kevin “Slow down I’m a friend as I said before.” “Then why won’t you show yourself?” Said Kevin confronting the voice. “Because I’m not really here technically.” Responded the voice in a calm fashion. “What are you talking about? What do you mean you’re not here?” said Kevin confused and curious. “I mean … it’s kind of hard to explain I’ll see you in a while Kevin.” Said the voice fading away. “Wait come back! Wait!” Said Kevin desperately.
But the voice was gone and with it came a lot of questions that Kevin wanted answered, but that would have to wait because when Kevin looked at his watch it was five fifty and it would take him at least ten minutes to walk home. Kevin walked home at a fast pace, all the while thinking of what the voice had said “We have known each other for a long time Kevin.” How could he know someone that he never even meet before? “It is possible that Isaac could be pulling a prank on me.” Kevin thought. “I’ll ask him tomorrow at school he was just pulling a prank on me just like he loves to do.
Kevin got home just in time for Swedish Meatballs, his favorite dinner. “So Kevin did you have a good walk?” Asked his mom as she was setting the small crock pot on the set up round table. “It was good mom.” Said Kevin as he was sitting down at the table. His dad walked in from his study and sat down as well. “Kevin, don’t forget you have to do the dishes tonight.” Said Kevin’s mom. Kevin couldn’t even hear her he was too distracted and disturbed by the events in the graveyard to listen. “Kevin! Do you even hear me!?” Kevin snapped to attention. “Yes mom what is it?” Said Kevin. “I said it’s your night to do the dishes.” Said his mom slightly irritated. “Ok mom sorry I’m just tired.” After they had all finished dinner Kevin washed the dishes and went up to his room to play some computer games with the computer that he had bought using a large amount of his savings. He was going to play some Quake, an old game from the 1990s, but suddenly he had the strangest urge to start a word document. At first Kevin just ignored it then the urge came stronger. He then decided to open a word document out of curiosity. Then weird stuff started to happen.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Aaaand another review. I saw that someone didn't give you as good as a review (or critique) that you deserved, so to make up for that, here I am.
Length wise, it's short, and honestly you could have drug it out longer than this, you are spending about 250 points to post this, so make it worth it.
I have read your description, but there's no excuses for improving your writing. Not that this is bad, the story is okay, you just need to work on the mechanics of the story. Plot can be everything, but you need to deliver it effectively for someone to get it.
Taking into consideration there is still a lot of grammatical errors (And yes, I still read the description), nipping this problem at the root can leave your story to suffer less. For now, you'll have to know this handy tid bit of information:
When a character starts talking, a new paragraph needs to be made. you can continue this whenever in the same paragraph so long as it's the same character. If a new character talks, then there needs to be a new paragraph made for them. However, this doesn't mean that the other character that talked before can speak in the same paragraph, if they speak again, then you can guess what happens next.
That's all I have, hope you take the advice given to you from everyone into consideration.
Salutations, and a
happyhorrible Review Day to you!This is quite a short chapter, but you know what they say - short, but sweet. Will this chapter be too short, or will its length be ideal? We shall see...
Oof, talk about a run-on sentence. Here's a "crash course" on the comma:
~ Commas indicate where one phrase or clause ends and another begins.
~ Additional information that could have been inserted in brackets or between dashes may be separated from the rest of the sentence by a comma or commas.
~ Introductory words or phrases aer separated from the rest of the sentence with a comma.
Now, none of these rules apply to this particular quote, but it does apply to several places later in the piece. In this piece, you need to insert one of my other favourite punctuation marks: the semi-colon.
"Kevin was in his room working on physics homework; it wasn’t terribly difficult, but he did study when he wasn’t in school or when he was moving around."
Also, the subordinate clause (the part after the conjunction but) makes no sense. How is it related to your main clause? It's like saying, "I like bananas, but I don't like clouds."
The rest of your chapter is also crawling with spelling and grammatical errors, but you can fix those on your own time.
The story itself is interesting, and your characterisation is decent, although it could use improving. Also, descriptions. You are only at chapter two, so you need to convince your readers that they must continue reading your story. If the plot is well-thought out, but your descriptions or characterisation, for example, is lacking, the reading of your book will only be a fleeting experience - one devoid of much satisfaction.
Your story has potential, but in order to reach that potential, you need to put in a little more effort. Writing a story is like having a child - sometimes you love it, sometimes you hate it, and sometimes, though very rarely, you may just want to kill it and wish it enver existed, but one thing is for sure: if you are lazy and do not care for it, it will die. And we don't want that.
I hope you have a lovely, but also frightening, review day!
Thanks for the input yeah i do really have a run on sentence problem. Thanks and happy Halloween to you to!
Woah. There was a lot of things wrong grammatically incorrect, and I did find it very dull, I am going to be straightforward here. I have a lot of nitpicks here. All you have is 3 HUGE paragraphs. I really think you should separate them, like this:
Kevin was in his room working on physics homework it wasn’t terribly difficult but he did study when he wasn’t in school or when he was moving around. Now he had to, for school, now that he had a permanent home. He knew he was older than most of the freshmen he should be a sophomore at this age be he was constantly moving around to different foster families and different school so he never really completed his freshmen year. So here he was in senior classes during his freshmen year.
His other credits counted so technically he could just stay home and not do anything for his freshmen year, but he found that this was one of the few places where he could socialize. Kevin went down stairs after he had finished his homework and said to his mom as he was headed out the door “Hey mom I’m going for a walk down the street!” “Ok Kevin just be back by six o’clock got it?” “Got it mom love you see you at six.” Kevin loved to walk down the street one thing he didn’t tell his mom is that he enjoyed walking around the graveyard about six blocks away near the park. He felt almost at home when he was there. Sometimes when life got hard he would sit next to his parent’s graves and just talk to them as if they could listen and sometimes he felt almost like there was an answer.
He knew there was no way that could be possible but he just couldn’t shake the feeling. Once he got there he was greeted by a somewhat deep baritone voice. “You know I have been here for a long time.” Said the unknown voice. “Who’s that!?” Said Kevin “I’m a friend don’t worry we have known each other for a long time Kevin.” “What’s your name? Where are you?” Said Kevin “Slow down I’m a friend as I said before.” “Then why won’t you show yourself?” Said Kevin confronting the voice. “Because I’m not really here technically.” Responded the voice in a calm fashion. “What are you talking about? What do you mean you’re not here?” said Kevin confused and curious. “I mean … it’s kind of hard to explain I’ll see you in a while Kevin.” Said the voice fading away. “Wait come back! Wait!” Said Kevin desperately.
But the voice was gone and with it came a lot of questions that Kevin wanted answered, but that would have to wait because when Kevin looked at his watch it was five fifty and it would take him at least ten minutes to walk home. Kevin walked home at a fast pace, all the while thinking of what the voice had said “We have known each other for a long time Kevin.” How could he know someone that he never even meet before? “It is possible that Isaac could be pulling a prank on me.” Kevin thought. “I’ll ask him tomorrow at school he was just pulling a prank on me just like he loves to do.
Kevin got home just in time for Swedish Meatballs, his favorite dinner. “So Kevin did you have a good walk?” Asked his mom as she was setting the small crock pot on the set up round table. “It was good mom.” Said Kevin as he was sitting down at the table. His dad walked in from his study and sat down as well. “Kevin, don’t forget you have to do the dishes tonight.” Said Kevin’s mom. Kevin couldn’t even hear her he was too distracted and disturbed by the events in the graveyard to listen.
“Kevin! Do you even hear me!?” Kevin snapped to attention. “Yes mom what is it?” Said Kevin. “I said it’s your night to do the dishes.” Said his mom slightly irritated. “Ok mom sorry I’m just tired.” After they had all finished dinner Kevin washed the dishes and went up to his room to play some computer games with the computer that he had bought using a large amount of his savings. He was going to play some Quake, an old game from the 1990s, but suddenly he had the strangest urge to start a word document. At first Kevin just ignored it then the urge came stronger. He then decided to open a word document out of curiosity. Then weird stuff started to happen.
Then weird stuff started to happen.
Maybe you could be more descriptive besides "weird stuff?"
Kevin was in his room[,] working on physics homework it wasn’t terribly difficult but he did study when he wasn’t in school or when he was moving around.
He knew he was older than most of the freshmen[--]he should be a sophomore at this age[,] be he was constantly moving around to different foster families and different school[s] so he never really completed his freshmen year.
You need to put a dash between "freshmen " and "he" or it interrupts what flow you have right now. You also need to put a comma after "age" and "be" and what do you mean by "be", I am pretty sure you meant to put "but". Instead of "different school" it'd be "different schools" because he went to various ones.
“Ok Kevin just be back by six o’clock got it?” “Got it mom love you see you at six.” Kevin loved to walk down the street one thing he didn’t tell his mom is that he enjoyed walking around the graveyard about six blocks away near the park.
Woah. That was rushed, and boring-I have to admit. I'll show you what you a correct format of that:
"Ok Kevin, just be back by six o'clock, okay?" she yelled/said. "Okay mom, I love you! See you at six," Kevin replied.
“So Kevin did you have a good walk?” Asked his mom
"asked" shouldn't be capitalized because it isn't the beginning of a sentence..
"So Kevin, did you have a good walk?" asked his mom.
Kevin got home just in time for Swedish Meatballs, his favorite dinner. “So Kevin did you have a good walk?” Asked his mom as she was setting the small crock pot on the set up round table. “It was good mom.” Said Kevin as he was sitting down at the table. His dad walked in from his study and sat down as well. “Kevin, don’t forget you have to do the dishes tonight.” Said Kevin’s mom.
I'm going to correct this entire paragraph for you, just so that you can see the change.
Kevin couldn’t even hear her he was too distracted and disturbed by the events in the graveyard to listen. “Kevin! Do you even hear me!?” Kevin snapped to attention. “Yes mom what is it?” Said Kevin. “I said it’s your night to do the dishes.” Said his mom slightly irritated. “Ok mom sorry I’m just tired.” After they had all finished dinner Kevin washed the dishes and went up to his room to play some computer games with the computer that he had bought using a large amount of his savings. He was going to play some Quake, an old game from the 1990s, but suddenly he had the strangest urge to start a word document. At first Kevin just ignored it then the urge came stronger. He then decided to open a word document out of curiosity. Then weird stuff started to happen.
Kevin got home just in time for dinner-Swedish Meatballs; his favorite. "So Kevin, did you have a good walk?" asked his mom as she was setting the small crock pot on the table. It was spectacular,” said Kevin as he sat down at the table. His dad walked in from his study and sat down as well. “Kevin, don’t forget--you have to do the dishes tonight,” said his mom. Kevin couldn’t even hear her; he was too distracted and disturbed by the events in the graveyard to listen. “Kevin! Do you even hear me?” Kevin snapped to attention. “Yes mom, what is it?” said Kevin. “I said it’s your night to do the dishes.” Said his mom slightly irritated. “Ok mom sorry I’m just tired.” After they had all finished dinner Kevin washed the dishes and went up to his room to play some computer games with the computer that he had bought using a large amount of his savings. He was going to play some Quake, an old game from the 1990s, but suddenly he had the strangest urge to start a word document. At first Kevin just ignored it then the urge came stronger. He then decided to open a word document out of curiosity. Then weird stuff started to happen.
Not to make you feel stupid but did you even read the description? I stated specifically that i knew there were lots of grammar mistakes. This was more of a you suck than a make this better review.
I'm trying to help you, and when you put something up, people are going to review it.
All you did was copy down my ENTIRE story onto your "review" and said fix it. I only see maybe two sentences worth of your writing this dosent help most people. Also again i knew there were MANY grammar mistakes in the first place you only stated stuff i already knew.
Than maybe you should fix it before you post it. So sorry that I helped you. I copied your sentences, and corrected them.
I'd suggest you improve your "helping" skills. Because it took me about an hour to figure out what your were saying i did wrong look at the first review above and you will see an actual review that is worth while and is useful to me. If you want to review use YOUR words not others sure you can copy maybe five or six sentences and correct them, but this is just abusing the system.
What is abusing the system? I posted my review before the one above.
Look, you obviously just copy and pasted the story to "review it" but that's not reveiwing. Really, that's just a stupid move. If you ACTUALLY REVIEWED IT, then you would have given him helpful information, rather than just "fixing it" for him, which doesn't help at all. You are, sad to say, a disgrace to critics everywhere.
Sorry again for the none grammar fixing issue. my next Chapter will be improved grammatically. Hope All who read this enjoy.