E - Everyone

Prologue and Chp1

PreviousNext

Prologue

It seems like only yesterday I was a lonely kid at a foster home with good adoptive parents when was that? About a month ago? Kevin get up you have to concentrate! It’s been so long… Wait I know that voice its Isaacs. Come on Kevin we need you they are breaking through the main defenses there are too many! I look up he’s there he looks scared and he’s holding the glock that he found a while ago. Come on you have to snap out of it! Wha…What? Come on you have to get up Kevin, Kevin! Come on Kevin you’ve got to get up or they will kill you! Come on! He took a couple of pot shots in a direction and ran out of ammo. He then started to use his powers of electricity and shooting bolts of lightning out of his hands. Then a bullet from nowhere hit him in the chest and then I blacked out. When I woke every single soldier was dead and Isaac was on the ground dying.

Chapter 1

Just Another Day

“Come on Kevin you are going to be late for school!” “Coming mom just a second!” “Alright but your father is waiting and he’s getting impatient.” “Ok mom!” Kevin was a teenager of about sixteen he had short wavy black hair and was a good five eleven. He ran down the stairs and grabbed the piece of toast with jam on the counter which was his breakfast and ran out the door to the waiting car of his father, his father’s name was Charles. “What took you so long Kevin?” I had to grab my science report dad. His dad put the car in drive and backed out of the driveway. “Kevin if you didn’t do it that’s fine if you have done it just tell me I’m your dad Kevin.” “Fine but you have to promise to not tell mom.” Kevin said morbidly. “I swear.” Said his dad. OK it’s about how my parents died. Said Kevin with shame. His dad just looked at him and said. How is that a science project Kevin? Well I’m explaining what happens when you crash and some other variables like physics and such. “Kevin I have to admit that is impressive you are only a freshmen and you probably know more than most seniors.” Said his dad with pride. Thanks dad so you’re not angry about what I’m doing it on? “No of course not no one can blame you that you want to know more about the accident. I just think that you’re going about it the wrong way Kevin.” His father said concerned. “Then what should I do dad?” Said Kevin with impatiently.

“What I think you should do is try and search your memories.” His dad said. “How do you expect me to do that when I don’t even remember when it happened let alone how it happened.” Kevin said with indignation. “Maybe we could hire a psychiatrist or hypnotist to try and bring out those blocked memories?” Said his dad with hope and concern. “We will see, but let’s leave the topic for now ok dad. Said Kevin. “OK but if you want to talk about it ever just come talk to me alright.” His dad said. OK dad I will. Kevin said. Alright Kevin have a great day at school and do well on that project. Said his dad. “I will.” Said Kevin as he got out of the car. The car drove away and he ran to the main doors of the Nova High School a school in a small town in Wisconsin near the border of Minnesota. Kevin was excited for today because the school was going to have an assembly for a Company called Sapphire Corp. He had no idea what the company stood for but he thought it had something to do with waste disposal or something like that.

When he got in the school classes hadn't started yet but everyone was heading towards the gym where most assemblies were held. When he got into the gym he sat next to his only friend Isaac he was younger than him but he treated him with respect and kindness. Not many people did that anymore since the accident and he started obsessing about what had happened. When it did happen he was only about six he can only remember small details. For example he can remember that there was a man in a hood looking at him from the street just before the explosion threw the car with his parents and him in it three feet in to the air.

They said the explosion was caused a gas main under the street breaking while a man was holding a welder he didn’t believe what they said no explosion even a gas main can cause a two ton van to fly three feet into the air. But what else could it be? He racked his brain to try and think of something but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t think of anything. For some odd reason he can really only remember a stranger looking at him and lowering his hand onto my forehead and then running away. The assembly had just started and Kevin had taken his seat near the front. The assembly went on for about an hour and a half and the advocate for Sapphire Corp. talked about all this stuff on waste and other stuff. It was all kind of boring and he didn’t listen much but when they said something about how some waste can give the human body special abilities such as strength and speed but it also at the same time kills them slowly, and that if we found anyone with these kinds of “symptoms” that we should contact them so that they can help them.

When he went to first period class which was computer simulation and design and realized that he could use the computer to calculate how much force would be needed to throw a two ton van three feet in to the air and when he got his class he got to work at the end of the period he found out would take at least the equivalent of about two pounds of C4 to do that. He started to think that more was going on when his parents died than what was first said to him after he woke up in the hospital three days after the accident they told him two days later that both his parents were dead. When he went to the funeral with his first foster parents he didn’t even blink, let alone cry, but after he got to his new home he couldn’t stop crying for over two hours. His pride prevented him from crying at the funeral but his mind wouldn’t let him stop crying when he got home. He had no living relatives so he was put up for adoption as he moved from home to home until finally almost a year later his current parents adopted him but he still considered them foster parents. It was terrifying that he knew that he was adopted and remembered how his parents both died. He still has nightmares about the day his parents died.

So now at least he knew that the “accident” wasn't an accident. After school he was getting a ride from his dad as he usually did as he was in the car he asked his father an interesting question. “Hey dad did you know my parents?” His father sat stock still for about ten seconds before answering. “Yes son I did but I only knew your father he worked in the office next to mine we talked sometimes I even remember him bringing you to the office one time when you were about… What? Two, yeah you were about two and even then you showed signs of extreme intelligence.” His father said with a slight hint of sadness in his voice. “So is that why you adopted me dad?” “No son it is because we loved you and because Maggie wasn't able to have children so I went to the adoption center and you were the first name to come up and I knew what happened to you so we took pity and adopted you.” His father said with sadness. “So you only did it because you wanted a child not because you cared about me?” Kevin’s father responded almost instantly “No! Of course not Kevin we love you as we would our biological child!” “Sorry Dad it’s just been hard ever since my parents died every day of my life every morning I have flashbacks and then I remember that he died almost twelve years ago in a car crash that I shouldn’t have lived through.” Kevin said depressingly tears starting to roll down his face. “Son you’ve got to understand that we still love you no matter what.” Said his dad. “I know dad thanks.” Kevin said wiping away the tears on his face with his long sleeve. They pulled into the drive way when they walked in the smell of Swedish meatballs filled their noses. Kevin went up the stairs to work on his homework and his dad stayed down stairs with his mom. “Hey honey?” Said Kevin’s dad. “Yes dear?” said Kevin’s mom. “I told Kevin what really happened when we adopted him and why we adopted him.” “Sigh… I guess this was bound to happen at some point, better sooner than later.” Said Kevin’s mother. “I know but I just feel so guilty about never telling him” Said Kevin’s father. “Honey we did what we thought was best.” “I know I just can’t shake the feeling of dread I have right now. I feel like I’m never going to see Kevin again.”

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
GrinningMan
Review

Alright, it's time to show people how to review... Or at least give you something that'll help out a lot.

Let's get the most obvious point out of the way. For one, there's the spacing of your paragraphs. Of course, they can be fixed and all, but if you put time into editing works before they're put up, then your story will have an overall nice look to it.

Considering punctuation, the use of commas would help a lot in some places because I do see run on sentences. When writing, think about if you were reading this out loud, would you rather breath or have a mouthful of words? And take it easy with describing things, it can sometimes be repetitive or just a bunch of words - for future reference.

The actual story now, well, the prologue is kinda short, and mostly what I see is just two characters getting shot at by some people and then a vague reference to some sort of power that a character has. When you get into the actual chapter one, there's just a lot wrong. (Don't worry, I know this is the first chapter.)

My advice is to use a plotting device, where as you could use a spider web diagram saying that this event here starts, then event two OR event two B could happen after. Having ideas don't hurt, but having a lot will clutter up everything. Just take it with a grain of salt and edit, and trust me, I hate editing as much as the next person.

User avatar
Dracula
Review

Hello! I really like your story, especially the friendships in it. You just need to watch out for a few mistakes. I think that Duncan has covered it all quite well, so I'm just going to edit your first paragraph. This will give you some examples. :)

Your original:

It seems like only yesterday I was a lonely kid at a foster home with good adoptive parents when was that? About a month ago? Kevin get up you have to concentrate! It’s been so long… Wait I know that voice its Isaacs. Come on Kevin we need you they are breaking through the main defenses there are too many! I look up he’s there he looks scared and he’s holding the glock that he found a while ago. Come on you have to snap out of it! Wha…What? Come on you have to get up Kevin, Kevin! Come on Kevin you’ve got to get up or they will kill you! Come on! He took a couple of pot shots in a direction and ran out of ammo. He then started to use his powers of electricity and shooting bolts of lightning out of his hands. Then a bullet from nowhere hit him in the chest and then I blacked out. When I woke every single soldier was dead and Isaac was on the ground dying.


After I've edited it:
It seems like only yesterday I was a lonely kid at a foster home with good adoptive parents. When was that? About a month ago? It’s been so long…

"Kevin get up you have to concentrate!" someone says. Wait. I know that voice, it's Isaacs. "Come on Kevin we need you! They are breaking through the main defenses! There are too many!"

I look up. He’s there and he looks scared. He’s holding the clock that he found a while ago.

"Come on you have to snap out of it!"

"Wha…What?"

"Come on you have to get up Kevin, Kevin! Come on Kevin you’ve got to get up or they will kill you! Come on!" He took a couple of pot shots in a direction and ran out of ammo. He then started to use his powers of electricity and shot bolts of lightning out of his hands.

Then a bullet from nowhere hit him in the chest and I blacked out. When I woke every single soldier was dead and Isaac was on the ground, dying.


There you go, hopefully that helps! Please keep writing, I'd like to know what happens to Isaac!

Thanks for the helpful input I've just barely started writing and by no means am an expert.

User avatar
KatGirl
Review

The dialogue for the beginning:

It annoyed me a little. It was way too close together, and I think you should've added something in the middle like how Kevin was feeling before putting another quote or him groaning in annoyance.

"I had to grab my science report dad."

I don't know if you meant to put that in quotes or not-but this sentence confused me.

"his father’s name was Charles."

I thought this was really awkward to randomly just stick it in a sentence. My suggestion is to give the reader a mild interest and keep them hooked by not telling them so much information in the beginning. You could tell the reader the dad's name in a different way if Kevin is talking to him or something and says his actual name.

“We will see, but let’s leave the topic for now ok dad. Said Kevin.

Um.. what? First of all, that needs a comma after now, and also a question mark at the end because he is asking a question not demanding it-I'm assuming.

“I swear.” Said his dad

"said" isn't capitalized after a quote.. it's grammatically incorrect.


They said the explosion was caused a gas main under the street breaking while a man was holding a welder he didn’t believe what they said no explosion even a gas main can cause a two ton van to fly three feet into the air. But what else could it be? He racked his brain to try and think of something but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t think of anything. For some odd reason he can really only remember a stranger looking at him and lowering his hand onto my forehead and then running away. The assembly had just started and Kevin had taken his seat near the front. The assembly went on for about an hour and a half and the advocate for Sapphire Corp. talked about all this stuff on waste and other stuff. It was all kind of boring and he didn’t listen much but when they said something about how some waste can give the human body special abilities such as strength and speed but it also at the same time kills them slowly, and that if we found anyone with these kinds of “symptoms” that we should contact them so that they can help them.

There is a lot of grammar mistakes in this paragraph so I'm going to fix it correctly, (I hope lol)..

They said the explosion was caused [under] a gas main under the street. A man was breaking the car while another man was holding a welder-he didn't believe what they said; no explosion. Even a gas main can cause a two ton van to fly three feet in the air.

I think you get my point; a lot of your writing was very awkward and hard to understand. I suggest asking somebody to help you correct it or install a program to fix your grammar mistakes. A lot of your story just doesn't make sense.
I'm trying to be a strict critic, not somebody mean--trust me. I thought this story was dull but the plot could have potential.

User avatar
Duncan
Review
Duncan wrote a review · Sat Sep 27, 2014 5:09 am

I think your plot is quite good. However I have to point out a few grammatical mistakes first.

1. Dialogues
I suggest putting dialogues as separate paragraphs (I don't know what I am saying, but looking in the example maybe you could understand better), like this:

“Come on Kevin you are going to be late for school!”
“Coming, mom. Just a second!”
“Alright, but your father is waiting and he’s getting impatient.”
“Ok mom!”

As, you can see, I have added some punctuations into the dialogues, indicating the stops, thus expressing speakers' feelings better. I think it made the conversations looked neater, and easier to read.

2. A mistake concerning the part of speech
“Then what should I do dad?” Said Kevin with impatiently.
I think you could put it as:
“Then what should I do dad?” Said Kevin impatiently.
I bet it was just a careless mistake. Sometimes I also fall into such traps when I am too tired writing.

3. Punctuations
'When he went to first period class which was computer simulation and design and realized that he could use the computer to calculate how much force would be needed to throw a two ton van three feet in to the air and when he got his class he got to work at the end of the period he found out would take at least the equivalent of about two pounds of C4 to do that.'

This is one sentence. Four lines! I am afraid it may be too long. Maybe you can add some punctuations in it.

When he went to first period class which was computer simulation and design, he realized that he could use the computer to calculate how much force would be needed to throw a two ton van three feet in to the air. He got to work at once, and by the end of the period he realized that it would take at least the equivalent of about two pounds of C4 to do that.

I hope the above suggestions could help you improve your work. I am delighted to read your carefully crafted plot. Keep on, and have fun writing!

I truly do appreciate the constructive criticism to often i have people who are willing to criticize but not help improve the story. Again thanks for the input.



Morning without you is a dwindled dawn.
— Emily Dickenson