Welcome to Orba Nova
Second Draft
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER FROM HERE
“Please mom, I’m begging you, I’ve been training for two months for this competition.”
“I don’t care,” my mother screamed, “I need you to watch your brother so your father and I can go out!”
I started to tremble. I hate when she does that. “Mom…” I tried to keep my voice calm, “That is not my father… He is my step-father. There is a difference. Please don’t get them confused.”
“You should consider him your father after all he has done for us.” My mother proclaimed matter-of-factly.
“What has he ever done for us other than spending my college fund on a satellite dish that takes up half the yard?” Oh how I wish I could have for once stopped my sarcastic remark.
The pain was still throbbing on my face as she started yelling again, “You will watch your mouth Alexandria.”
“Or you’ll keep using me a personal stress reliever?” I thought that but I didn’t say it for wouldn’t have done me a bit of good. Rule number one in my house: Alex Runner is to shut up and do as told or else. Or else everyone will wonder how the skateboarder who never falls ends up with purple welts all over her body.
My Mother gave me another dirty look and stormed out then started calling for my step-father. I heard the floor creak under his massive weight as he got up from the family room couch. He must be pissed to get up from the ESPN pregame. Yup, I’m in for it. Moments like this are when I miss my dad the most. See, he was shot in a mugging when I was six and then my mom was abducted by aliens. Well, that’s not the official story but I’m pretty sure. My old mom was strict but still nice sometimes but after my dad’s death she turned into the Wicked Witch of the West. Then, a month after that, she married Bob Gallows and things just went downhill from there. For future reference, my step-father is named Bob but I prefer to call him the Jerk. Oh, and that “brother” they referred to is actually my half-brother Bob Jr. (though I just call him Jerk Jr. or JJ for short).
And there he is; my step-father lugged into the room, Bud-Light in hand. “Alex!” He boomed, “From what I understand you don’t want to watch Bobby tonight. It’s date night for your mother and me and I don’t want it ruined by the likes of you.”
“Come on man, I told you about this competition two months ago. Go look! It’s on the calendar in the kitchen.”
“I’m not going to look Alex!” the Jerk thundered.
“What, too much of a walk fatty?” I would have said that but some part of me still wants to live to see 16. I saw him pulling out his belt (cliché, right?) and the worse part of it all is that I could kick his ass from here to Florida. I mean, I can fight. Every smack I could have stopped with ease. My dad was a martial arts fighter when he was young and he taught me a lot when I was little. I was one tough six year old and I still am now.
The Jerk raised his belt up and my hand flashed for the switchblade in my pocket. More than anything, I wish I could whip that out. I felt my anger build up inside and my hands began to tremble. I hate this guy so much. I waited for the hit but I realized he had put his belt back on.
“Nah, I know you’ll watch your brother because if you don’t I will snap that skateboard of yours.” He said with a crocked smile.
“What are you going to do? Sit on it?” I muttered under my breath. He didn’t catch it and as he turned away I threw in an eye role. What can I say, I like playing with fire. What do you know, I’m a dare devil. Just then JJ ran into the room with his wide, marshy green eyes full of anger.
“I don’t want her to watch me! She’s a freak!” JJ screamed in the Jerk’s ear.
“I know she is but you have to,” he said that like I’m not even here. He bent down close to JJ as if to tell him something I couldn’t hear, “If this bitch gives you any trouble, just call me and when I get home I will make her regret the day she was born.” JJ snickered and at that moment I decided to get the hell outa doge and went up to my room. At least there I could pretend that I was a part of a different family. I once had the beast bedroom in the whole house; it was huge with tall window and a balcony that overlooked a small garden. JJ has that room now. We live in an old Victorian style house with eight bedrooms that he could have had but no, he had to take mine. The best part of it all was that I was assigned a bedroom by my step-father. I think room may be the wrong term considering that it is our attic. In the attic there is no AC or heat so all I have is a small wood stove that is about 200 years old and I have to say thank God for it. I would freeze in the winter if it wasn’t there. It’s the summer now and my room is my own personal oven. I pulled the ladder down and climbed up slowly. I braced myself for the intense heat to hit me. As if on cue, I felt a wave of hot, dry air swirl around me.
I walked into my bedroom/attic and ducked down so I wouldn’t hit the low ceiling. I moved slowly to the large window and opened the hatch. With a sigh of relief, I breathed in the warm fresh air. This rare peace is how they say, golden. I plopped down on my bed for just a few minutes of relaxation. I heard the Jerk and my mom leaving. His fat ass was shoved into the driver seat of their Chevy Convertible and he and my mom sped away. I thought about just sitting up here all night or one better climbing down the side of the house and going to the competition. I knew that that would never work. JJ would come up here for food or something and I would get busted then, like the Jerk promised, I would regret the day I was born. Just then, the doorbell wrung and I reluctantly got up. . I jumped down the ladder and flew down the stairs quiet as a mouse. I am pretty sure I’m part ninja. I opened the front door and there strode Carl, our mailman and in his hand was a package.
MAILCALL
“Hey Carl,” I said nonchalantly, “what do you need?”
“Hi Alex, I have a devilry for you,” Carl handed me the package. It was about 13 inches long and five inches thick with my name and address on the postage stamp. There was no return address.
“Um… Thanks Carl,” I said as I signed the delivery slip. He handed me the package and I nearly fell over. Good lord, this thing is heavy! “What the hell is in this thing?” I asked as I struggled to hold the accursed thing up.
“I have no idea.” Carl said with a smile. I think he was just happy to have the thing delivered and out of his hair. I closed the door with my foot and carried the package into the kitchen. JJ materialized next to me.
“Alex, what’s that box? Is it for me?”
“No” I said, rather annoyed. I removed the wrapping and opened the box. Inside was very confusing. There was a white digital wristwatch that looked to be turned off. The watch was sort of weird looking though because attached to it was a, I don’t know how to say this, second digital watch face (the face is where the numbers are). This second face was smaller and unlike the first one, it was more of a perfect circle (the first one was more of a square shape.) Next to the watch, was a square box; it was all white and on the top was a geometric diamond. I immediately figured out that the box was what was so heavy. I tried to pick it up but could barely hold it in my hands without a huge strain. I also found two letters. One was addressed to me, it read:
Dear Alexandria Runner,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into the steer straight program. This is a great honor and an ideal opportunity to better you and become an upstanding citizen. You have been selected do to your great potential and how you do not seem to utilize all of the opportunities presented to you. You are now required to attend this two day conference so you may begin to give back to the community with all expenses paid. This is not optional. The train to the conference leaves on the 25th of June (That’s today!). We understand the lateness of this notification but, due to a malfunction in our computer system, your notice was sent out late. We apologize for the inconvenience. With your attendance, you will receive a 5,000 dollar scholarship towards to collage of your choice. We have a number for you to call for your conformation. You will need a change of clothing and to bring the items found inside your package. We have also provided a letter to give to your parents to explain your absence and your train ticket. We apologize again for our error. Thank you and we will see you at the conference.
I read the letter over and over again. I couldn’t believe it, that these people thought I was some kind of troubled youth. I bet the Jerk signed me up for this. The letter was signed by some lady and there was a phone number. I called to confirm that I wasn’t getting pranked or I wasn’t going to be abducted or something. I dialed the number and some dude picked up. He confirmed the legitimacy of the conference and told me that if I didn’t attend, I could be penalized with a possible enrollment in juvenile hall. I was, needless to say, furious. I could ruin my life by not attending a stupid conference! On the other hand, I could use a five grand scholarship. I pulled out the ticket and saw that the train leaves at six o’clock. That is in 15 minutes! I panicked and stated to spaz out. I called out to JJ and he came over at a purposely slow speed.
“What?” he asked with a rather rued attitude.
“Go over to Dan’s house for dinner and stay there until Mom and Bob get home.” Dan is the kid down the street and he is incredibly annoying but JJ seems to like him. Birds of the same feather stick together I guess.
“Mommy and Daddy said you have to watch me,” he said with a snicker.
“Well something has come up and I have to go like now!” I yelled as I looked for my backpack.
“Well I could call them and tell them what’s happening or I could keep quiet. That depends on what is in it for me.”
“Fine,” I said with a grown, “I won’t tell mom about the time you stole your dad’s beer to sell to the 13 year old next door.” His face turned white and I figured out his decision without him having to say a word. He ran and found his shoes and was out the door in under a minute. I found my backpack and started packing up my stuff. I threw in my cell phone, my iPod, first aid kit (a true skateboarded always has one on her), a small bag of toiletries, a clean red shirt, a copy of my favorite book, The Thunder Stealer, and most importantly, my favorite picture of my Dad and I. It was taken one week before his death. I grabbed some cash and, lastly, put in the weird box into my pack. I slipped on the wristwatch and left the note they gave me on the table.
It looked pretty average; it was just the whole, “daughter gone” and, “she will be back tomorrow” stuff. It was getting late and the air was getting cool so I slung my leather jacket on and pulled the now thousand pound backpack over my shoulders. It hurt like heck but after a few seconds, I got used to it and, in fact, couldn’t even tell it was there. I then slipped a book of matches and my switchblade into my pocket. What can I say, it’s tough down at the skate park; you don’t know whether the kid next to you is packing heat and so that switchblade gives my piece of mind. As for the matches, well, Dad always said to carry a book of matches where ever you go. Most importantly, I pulled out my skateboarded and helmet. I strapped my helmet on and laced up my favorite red-and-blue converse sneakers. I was all ready to go. I ran past the table on my way out and saw something weird. The letter looked, well, longer than it did a minute ago. Before I could read it, I saw the clock. I had 10 minutes to catch my train! I toke off out the door as fast as my feet could carry me. They say that hind sight is 20/20 and it’s true because, looking back, I wished I had reread that letter. See, I know now that it contained the excuse for my absence for the next two months.
GOTTA GET TO THAT BLASTED TRAIN
I live in a New England town that consists of big Victorian homes, a bunch of shops, and a crap-load of old buildings and libraries. I sped out of my front door and jumped onto my skateboard. I pushed myself forward and soon was riding out of my upscale neighborhood. I skated out onto Main Street and grabbed a hold of some guys’ car bumper to hitch a ride.
I road along until I got to the old construction site. This place hasn’t been worked on for years and everything is covered in mold and rust and so, it’s the perfect place for a short cut. I picked up some speed and boarded into the pipes that they were planning on using for the sewage in whatever they were building. The pipes were 50 feet long and a straight shot to the other side of the construction site that lead to the back of the towns’ public library. Then, just beyond that, was the coveted train station. I rode inside the low pipe that is covered in slime. It was gorse to say the least but it is the fastest way to the other side of the construction site. When I was about half way through, I felt movement beneath me. He ground began to shake and, and… rise. Within seconds I realized what was happening- they are working on the construction site! I can’t believe it; they haven’t touched this place since before I was born!
I did my best to pick up speed as I sped to the end of the tube. When I finally reached the end, I flew out of the pipe like a ball being shot from a canon. I realized too late that I was about ten feet off the ground. I rearranged my footing and braced for the impact of the ground. It hurt but I, needless to say, stuck the landing without a scratch. I scared did the crap out if a few construction workers though.
I kicked myself forward on my bored and skated out of the building zone. I then checked my phone and saw that I had less than six minutes to catch my train! I bent down close to the board as low as I could go and picked up speed. I cut through behind the library and grinded down the stairs. I found myself on Third Street and, I could see the train station! I was determined to make that train and I only had about two minutes until it pulled out. I leaned forward and prepared myself as I propelled my body off a wheelchair ramp and down the road as fast as the wheels on my board could turn. I saw within seconds that I was going to make it the station but then I realized that I may not be able to stop at the station. I was going too fast and began to lose control of my board. When I arrived at the station, I did the only way I could think to stop an out of control skateboard; I plowed into a wall. It hurt but I’ve done worst. I checked the clock and saw that I had made it with 30 seconds to spare. That’s impressive, even for me.
The train station in my town is small compared to others I’ve been in but still, it serves its purpose. There are about ten or so platforms and one main building where the conductors meet. I pulled out my ticket and found my way to the platform (platform number 4-8) where the train was about to pull out. I climbed on and handed the man my ticket. I noticed that on the side of the train was another 3D geometric diamond just like the one on the box I got. I also say that there were three other trains that were all about to pull out with the same symbol. The kids that were all climbing on the other trains didn’t exactly look like the types that would be going to a correctional seminar. One grope of kids looked like the brainy type and were obviously really studious. Most of them were carrying their own personal dictionaries. I won’t comment on that at the risk of being overly judgmental. Though I will say, there was one guy that looked a little hot with sandy blond hair and a nice smile. Another grope looked like the stereo-type jocks. They all looked really peppy and hyped to be going to this thing and most looked really athletic and the guys especially all looked buff. The last grope looked like a band of sixties hippies. I mean I half expected one of them to pull out pot and start singing the Beatles. I know, I get stereotyped all of the time and I shouldn’t be doing it to others but you didn’t see these kids. They were all hugging each other and singing with their guitars. One girl particularly caught my eye as she glided along on her pink roller skates. I looked around at the rest of the kids on my train and I saw that they all look like my type of bunch. They all looked pretty tough and strong; I even recognized a few kids from the skate park but still, I saw none of my friends. I sat down in my seat and felt the train begin to move. Out the window, I saw the other three trains pull out and speed alone in the same direction as me.
“Hey Alex, is this seat taken?” A familiar voice asked.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey, Mith here to review!
I don't think I really have much to say that others haven't already said. *feels a little useless* I think I should begin with saying that the spelling needs a little fixer-upper, and the the paragraphs are too clumpy. Also, when Alex is thinking things, instead of having speech marks then explaining later, it would be easier to read to have what she thinks in italics, but that's just technical stuff.
I really enjoyed the story element. I'm intrigued, exited, interested, hopeful, all great things! I really feel for Alex with her horrendous family life and i want to know more about her and what will happen to her. (Even though a few times I forgot she was a girl... sorry)
I completely understood your descriptions of people, though it would be better to use less words. And, a small nitpick of mine, I know that the last chapter here is the end of the chapter and will continue, but if I were just reading what is written here then I would be kinda unsatisfied with the ending. If you want it to be suspenseful, build the suspense a little (e.g. "A familiar voice from a more shadowy part of my past whispered menacingly." or "A familiar voice asked, that immediately made a smile break across my face." something like that) I feel like more direct emotion is needed in the story.
Other than the few things I've said, I truly do want to read more of this story. I'm imaging a "Cherub" (books by Robert Muchamore) kind-of storyline to begin emerging but I really don't know! I'm exited and hope this has helped with your story and I get to read the rest soon!
I love where this is heading
Hey Ace!
~ deliveryI am finally here with the last bit of your review. My computer has finally been revived (at least for now) so I will finally finish the last bit of your review. Here goes:
Alright, I shall now point out a frustration of mine with your piece: Your paragraphs are enormous. Not only are they hard to review, they're hard to read. I like long, complex sentences, but not half a dozen of them crammed together. Be nice to the eyes, put in breaks so it's easier to distinguish one 'scene' from the next...also, you could put your chapter titles in bold print, so it sticks out more.
~ Personal nitpick, I don't think the ‘Carl’ here is very believable. I mean, she just said 'Hey Carl', so why is she calling him by name again? I think the 'Thanks' would suffice. Also, you didn't italicize Alex's thought (Good lord, this thing is heavy!).
~ This is a bit of a...strange...description. I am completely uncertain as to what was in the box. I've got two objects, one of them is two watches fused together? And then two letters....and no other clear view.
~ I think you should format this a bit differently, but I have no idea what to suggest. Letters within text are one of my greatest weaknesses. If you were to ask my mother what my worst writing is, she'd say "Oh, writing letters for stories, by far." ...Well, okay, she'd probably say something more like, "Who the heck are you?" but that's beside the point. The point is I suck.
But for your actual letter: 'Steer Straight Program' sounds kinda official, like an actual program, with people enrolled and everything; therefore it's a proper noun, and is capitalized. Also you wrote: "You have been selected do to your great potential" perhaps rephrase to- "You have been selected to exercise your outstanding potential".
~ College has an 'e' not an 'a' and I'm not sure if 'conformation' is what you meant. 'Conformation' is like 'comformity', which is like conforming to something that someone or something else approves of. Confirmation means that they're verifying the letter.
~ rued means regretted; I think you mean rude.
~ Again, another side-descriptive note, a thing you should avoid. Perhaps when JJ's complaining about Alex baby sitting him, he could ask to go to Dan's, to avoid this?
~ While phonetically correct, I suppose, this isn't right. Grown implies something being grown, "I've grown a tomato plant" "She's a grown up, that's why she can drive a car" etc. You mean 'groan', or to express a bad attitude.
~ skateboarder.
~ Skateboard.
~ Gross, is what you meant, I think.
~in this last bit you've been using the wrong spelling of words often. 'Bored', while correct, means that you're bored; like scanning FB for the hundreth time because you have nothing better to do. You mean 'board', like a skateboard.
~ you know the comparative terms (good, better, best) right? This is wrong. This would be 'bad, worse, worst'. You've done worse, since this isn't THE worst.
~ Unless this is tied into the story somehow at a later time, then you should nix it. It distracts.
~ 'grope' means, eh, like: "She groped around in the dark, searching fora flashlight" you mean group. Also, studious means, like, religiously, faithfully, steadfastly, closely examine. You can studiously study for a test, or you can studiously examine the wrinkles on someone's face. Studious does not equal nerd.
Alright, you made like two or three other 'gropes' instead of 'groups'-change please.
~~~~~~~~~
Final bit:
Firstly, I am SOOO sorry this took so long. I truly am. I really hope you're not mad.
Over all I enjoyed your story, and I'm excited to see what happens next (and who the familiar voice is.
Again, sorry for your wait.
~Shady
A lot has reviewed your piece, so I'll just give a short critique on what I've read.
Okay, so the story's all good. It's not that perfect, but it can definitely stand as a premiere chapter. The structure in this one is simple, though, so some twists of fate can make it very better. Also, the cliffhanger is very similar with a lot of works, so how aout leaving us readers in a newer side of the story?
On the writing, well, one of the things I've noticed throughout the piece is the way you explain. It's okay to twiddle around words, but never elongate them unless necessary. Longer sentences like this:
is okay, but there are some like this:
Remember, you can conjoin some sentences to one bigger and better one...as long as they're under one thought. Also, I saw that you use comma a lot. Not all sentences need a comma; for example:
If I read it with comma, there will be a pause, which is not good for the sentences.
There are also other punctuation which isn't quite good. Like the use of '/' rather than 'slash'. If you're trying to make conventions, then I approve of it, but if that's really your conception in usage, I suggest using words instead.
That's all for now! I hope I helped even by a little bit
Your pal,
Al
Hey Ace!
~ Okay, I like the sass, very good. I don't like the 'threw in an eye roll', that just sounds...wierd. Perhaps just "I rolled my eyes as he turned away, oblivious to my comment. It was probably a bad idea. I could've easily got caught; but what could I say? I liked playing with fire." I think I'd save the 'What do you know, I'm a dare devil." for some other sassy thing she does, or swap it out for the 'like playing with fire', since it's essentially the same thing.I'm sooo sorry this took so long. My.computer.crashed.*left cheek twitches*. again. *Nervous, slightly deranged chuckle*. That makes the fourth technical difficulty I've had in the past three weeks...O.o
Anyway, I've managed to get to a library, so here's part two, picking up where I left off:
~ If you decide to eliminate him earlier in the story, as I recommended in part one of my review, then you need to introduce him here. "Just then the Jerk's son, Jerk Junior, came running into the room, his wide, marshy green eyes full of anger. "I don't want her to watch me! She's a freak!"The boy screamed in the Jerk's ear. Like father like son, I suppose." Again, this needs work, just a starting place if you go with this style. Also, I like 'wide, marshy green eyes full of anger', that is amazing description, which I adore!
~ 1) He said, not caring that I could hear him. 2) Jerk Junior, little JJ, snickered and I decided that I'd better get the hell out of there. 3) For this one, 'at that moment' sounds too conversational for writing, and 'outa' and 'doge' aren't words. 'Outa' is slang, and, while I understood what you meant, is best left out of writing; and I'm not familiar with 'doge'.
~As my last edit didn't allow for going to your room, I'll start this edit with that information. "I ran up the stairs to my room; there I could pretend that I was a part of a different family." I split thi s up improperly. You should leave this bit where it is, and then start a new paragraph for the next sentence, as it's a semi-flashback.
"I once had had the best bedroom in the whole house..."~ The rest of the paragraph is fine, no, scratch that, great. I really like the description you use for your old room, and the way you lace negative emotion into this, without getting overly 'pouty'. Very good.
~ This can stay in the same paragraph as I was editting just above; I just broke it down for simplicity's sake. "The best part of it all was that I was assigned a bedroom by my step-father; well, it wasn't really a room, but more of an attic. Of all the rooms in our house, he saw it fit to put me in the one place with no air conditioning or heat, making me rely on an ancient wood stove to keep from freezing to death. Of course I have no danger of freezing to death today, do I? It'll be like an oven up there. I pulled the ladder down and slowly climbed it, bracing myself as a wave of hot, dry air swirled around me, nearly taking my breath away.
~ I don't think this is an appropriate way to phrase this, unless somebody else shoved his fat ass in for him. Perhaps "He flopped his fat ass down into the driver's seat of their Chevy Convertible and he and my mom sped away. I thought abuot just sitting up here all night or, even better, climbing down the side of the house and going to the competition. But I knew that that wouldn't work. JJ would come up here for food or to harrass me or something and I would get busted, and then, as the Jerk had promised, I'd regret the day I was born. The doorbell rang, disturbing my thoughts, but I reluctantly got up. I jumped down the ladder and glided down the stairs as quiet as a mouse; like a good ninja would do. I opened the front door and saw Carl, our mailman, standing on our doorstep with a package in his hand."
Oooh... The librarian has just told me I have overstayed my welcome...I suppose this 2 part review is really a 3 part review...sorry. :/
Hey Ace!
~ I believe another reviewer mentioned that you should change these...he's right.Sorry this review is a bit late in the coming, my computer crashed.
But, I am back now, and ready to get at it! So let's begin...
~ Sooo....did she get slapped?
~ Just a personal nitpick, but I'd italicize his thoughts and nix the quotation marks, to make it more clear that this is Alex's thoughts. You don't need the next sentence either, if you italicize.
~ Far too much information, given far too quickly. This sounds like a little kid whining and being stupid, not a good impression to give the reader, since in earlier paragraphs it seems as though you want us to feel sympathy for her. Perhaps you could slow it down, add emotion. You set it up perfectly in the former sentence, "Moments like these are when I miss my Dad the most." to be able to continue into a more forlorn, (not 'poor me') description.
Like: "My Dad never treated me like this. He-" then describe what he was like. He never hit me, he never yelled at me, he always was kind, etc. Then you could end it with something like, "A bitter tear rolled down my cheek as I remembered my dear Father, the only decent person in my life, killed by a mugger before I was really old enough to know him well."
Also, I don't understand why Alex thought her mom had been abducted by aliens. It doesn't seem a valid claim, unless you mention a third eye her mother had suddenly grown, or something.
You could really use this to give us an insight into Alex's mind. Instead of 'For future reference' try bringing it into the story more conversationly. "My mother had been strict but loving while my Dad was still alive, but after his death she changed. She- (explain how she's the Wicked Witch of the West. 'Show' us rather than 'tell' us.) and within the month she had married Bob Gallows, a- (what is Bob? Cruel? Lazy? Stupid? Fat? Describe) disgusting man who rarely bathed and preferred to spend his days wallowing on the couch watching sports to leading his family. Bob the sloth. Bob the jerk."
Now that's not a particularly amazing edit, just an idea. Also, you might leave J.J. out of the picture until he actually appears.
~ Again, you should italicize the thoughts, to make it clearer. Also this is a not-so-discrete way to introduce her age. The next part doesn't flow very nicely either, and isn't very realistic. I know six year olds who do martial arts. They're tough little six year olds, but they can't beat up a grown man, no matter how pathetic he might be. Not even with a fifteen year old's strength. I mean, I'm fine with her being able to beat him up. I'm seventeen and know dudes I could beat up, but...perhaps rephrase?
[ [i] What? Too much of a walk, Fatty? I thought, as I watched him unfastening his belt. I clenched my fists, trying to control my temper. I could kick his ass without ever breaking a sweat, I knew that and he should've known that. My Dad, my real Dad, was a sensei in a martial arts studio, and had taught me many tricks when I was little; I desperately clung to the memories of him teaching the moves to me, and often practiced them, growing stronger and more disciplined with each day that passed. If my Dad could see me where ever he was, I wanted to make him proud whenever he had a minute to glance down at me. Martial arts was dear to him, and I had made it dear to me.]~ See? This gives information (and emotion) without the whining 'poor me' tone Alex had. Of course you don't need to edit word for word, this was just a suggestion.
~ Her hand 'flashed'? This isn't very clear.
"The Jerk raised his belt above his head, letting it hover there for a moment, trying to scare me. My hand involuntarily slid into my pocket, my fingers wrapping around my switchblade, my anger building inside me, my hands trembling with the effort of keeping the knife in my pocket, and not jerking it out and slitting his fat throat. I turned, surprised that I hadn't felt the sting of his belt yet, and found him re-fastening it."~ Or something.
~ Crooked.
Okay, I'll be back for Part Two. I've gotta go for now. Sorry.
~Shady
Hey Ace! I am so sorry for the wait!! But here is your review, as requested.
My first impression of this piece is that it's intriguing. I'm interested in where it's going to go but it felt a little cliched to me. Also, I like the narrator's voice, but she gets to be a little much at times. We'll talk about that more later.
The format is a little wonky too and kind of hard to read. I believe that there is a setting when you submit your work down at the bottom and you can choose story, poem, or something else and if you choose story it formats it nice for you. Spaces between the paragraphs would help a lot.
Here are my nitpicks:
I would define what "that" is.
"He" instead of "that".
Read this out loud. Kind of a mouthful, yeah? I would think about re-wording this to take out some of the words and making it more concise.
What pain? This sounds a little awkward to me too. I think "The pain on my face was still throbbing" would sound better.
Put this in italics and get rid of the quotation marks so we immediately know that it is thoughts, not reality. Then you could get rid of the second sentence.
[quote[
Rule number one in my house: Alex Runner is to shut up and do as told
or else.Or else everyone will wonder how the skateboarder who never falls ends up with purple welts all over her body.[/quote]New paragraph at the start of this section.
New paragraph here because you're changing focus.
Try to reword this part so you don't repeat "but".
Again, put this dialogue in italics and get rid of the quotation marks so we immediately know it is thoughts.
No need to point that out.
New paragraph at the start of this line.
This was too repetitive and redundant for me.
New paragraph at the start of this line.
I would put the entire letter in italics to make it stand out from the rest of the story.
Name the lady.
New paragraph at the start of this line due to the new focus.
Hmmmmmmm
Why does this matter right now?
Loved the construction sight description though! I could picture it very well!
New paragraph after this line.
1. The story line - A little cliched.
The story line as a whole actually reminds me a touch of Harry Potter. I mean, I am GIGANTIC fan so it could be just my own personal weirdness that sees the resemblance. But girl living with mean relatives who abuse her (one of which is fat another of which is spoiled) then she is magically saved by a mysterious letter in the mail and now she is going to go by train with a bunch of other kids to some place she has no idea about sound a lot like the first couple of chapters of Harry Potter to me.
Also, when there is a cliche, saying that it is a cliche doesn't make it not cliched, it just draws more attention to it, so I would try to avoid that. I wasn't a fan of the stereotypes on the train but I get that it's an easy way to sort and differentiate people, maybe try to think of a way to do it that isn't so cliche?
2. The voice - Good at times, annoying at other times.
At first I loved the voice because Alex is opinionated and cool and has a unique voice. There is a lot of that throughout and there are a lot of times when she is witty and cool and funny and everything I love in a voice. There are also times when she gets annoying. I think I pointed those out in the nitpicks as places I would change because she gets too wordy or says too much and get's too informal for me. Personally, I don't like it when the narrator is "talking" to the reader or gets too close to the reader, if that makes any sense. Have the narrator tell the story in her awesome voice without getting the reader too involved.
3. The descriptions - Nice and vivid.
I really liked your descriptions. I could really picture the scene in my head which is awesome. I thought that was one of the strongest parts of this piece so keep that up!
4. The chapters - A little confusing.
The short chapters reminded me of James Patterson which is fine, and that's just some people's style although I feel like it breaks up scenes too much. However, that's your stylistic choice so go with what works with your writing style. I wasn't a fan of the little chapter titles. I don't know, I've seen that done in books like Speak and it works really well, but I just wasn't feeling it here. I don't know if it's the right kind of story for that. Again though, that's your stylistic choice.
5. The spelling/grammar - Not bad.
There were some random spelling errors that I corrected and some little grammar errors as well but nothing too major. Most of the grammar stuff I pointed out was lines that sounded funny to me. A really easy way to catch stuff like that is to simply read it out loud. That forces you to really see all of the words and not gloss over parts.
The other grammar thing I found myself pointing out a lot was making new paragraphs. As a general rule, start a new paragraph when there is a topic or focus change.
Overall I thought you did a nice job and you have an intriguing story going here. I'm curious to see what will happen next. I'm already developing some theories!
Please let me know if something didn't make sense or if you have any questions!
-Carly
Hi there!
I'm here to review as requested!
Those people that commented before me already covered the spelling/grammar mistakes so this review will basically focus on the content.
I really enjoyed reading this. It's written well and keeps me interested. I like the simplicity of it as well. Everything that happened is straight forward and believable. I do agree with ImHero though, the part about the letter was a little iffy. I understand that Alex will take any chance to get away, but this seems a little far fetched. You could've had someone come after Alex to make sure she came or something.
Contrary to everyone else's beliefs, I think the step father is a completely believable character. I can imagine everything you said about him; I can see him in my head. You did a good job with that.
I can't wait to read more. I like where the plot is going. Plus I want to know who knows Alex on the train. You're leaving me hanging here!
Overall I give this a 4/6. I'd also like to see some more details or learn more about Alex's life. Does she have any friends? I she a champion skater? Is she famous for being the girl who never falls? These are just some things I'm wondering about after reading this.
Let me know when you post another chapter. Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey this ImHero for a review!
I would like to start with two main things I didn't like. The first was the dad, I think his charactor could have been more convincing. The other thing is the part where the kid belives the letter, seems kinda unbelivable to me. Although it was a good read and I liked the flow. The sentence structure could have been better but it is very good. It was also easy to read. Here are some obvious errors to me while I was reading your writing--
to do*
skateboard*
The*
did(x)
to*
group*
group*
group*
Thanks for choosing me as your critic !
Disregard the first error correction, that is obviously not right.
i really like this pice you reviewed my book the war of night and day and so i thought id return the favor. What i like most about this book is the flow of the words. there are not akward pauses and such. Iwould like to know how old is the brother. I really did like this more like loved. It put me right into the mind of alex every thought her family loved it ps can i slap jerk?? There are a few minor errors but it comes togeather great. Loved it!!
I shall start with a few edits.
"I once had the BEAST bedroom in the whole house..."
I figure you either meant best or were attempting teen slang in which case it would be more like "I once had the most beat bedroom in the whole house..."
"...first aid kit (a true skateboarded always has one on HER)..."
This generalizes skaters a female when they are actually primarily male(in my experience) so change "her" to "them"
"...that switchblade gives MY piece of mind..."
Me*
"It was GORSE to say the least..."
gross*
" I scared DID the crap out if a few construction workers though."
lose the "did".
"I also SAY that there were three other trains..."
Saw*
"One GROPE of kids..."
group*
Okay, edits out of the way now you have a great plot so far. I feel you have made good use of her bad home life to motivate her running away. The bad home life was also well written, except I feel she would have a better name for him then "the jerk" for a couple reasons. First, shes 16. I don't know your views on profanity but teens tend to not care especially when they have a bad home life and a temper. I am not saying to fill the piece with it, but it not being there at all really does make her seem less genuine. Second, and more importantly, the name doesn't really sound hateful, it sounds like petty dislike. People that are truly hated and not just disliked tend to merit more then just being called a jerk. I also do like the way you wrote her anger, it works very well in the setting and if I didn't have another overpowering factor with my character in Blood Rage(Which is reveled later) he would be very similar to this. If you do post more of this let me know because over all I really do like it and would like to see more.
Hey! I'm here to review you're work for you...as requested.
Alright, so I have some pretty usefull pointers here.
~When starting a sentence, try not to use the word 'I' so much. It kind of messes up the flow of the chapter, you know what I mean? We're writers, so we should always try to be more creative and use BIGGER words.
~ The Format. Maybe try breaking it up a little? The way you've done the paragraphs wasn't my favorite. I'm not doing the whole chapters for you, so I'm just going to show you TWO paragraphs as an example - Keep in minds it's easier for the reader to understand-
That's easier for the reader to read, don't you think?
~BUT! I do like how much you've gotten into the character! You really expressed intense emotion! That's always good.
Other than that...There's nothing really bad about this peice. Keep it up! And if you ever need another review...I'm free to help!
~Katie
i really like this pice you reviewed my book the war of night and day and so i thought id return the favor. What i like most about this book is the flow of the words. there are not akward pauses and such. Iwould like to know how old is the brother. I really did like this more like loved. It put me right into the mind of alex every thought her family loved it ps can i slap jerk??