Chapter one: Hadley
I stand in line, in the cold, shivering as the rain beats on my back, and my face.
“It has been for-ev-er!” Joshin whines in my ear, his arms wrapped around himself. “And it is so fragging cold!”
“What do you expect, Joshin? It is January. IN NEW YORK.”I roll my eyes at him, there was no way to shut him up without speaking aggressively.“Well, they should like pass out blankets or something, because I left my parka in the car, and if I get outta line, I lose my place.” His high pitched, whiny voice says in my eyes, I can feel his breath on the back of my neck.
“Do you want the album or nah, J?” I growl, we have been friends since I moved to New York when I was ten, and still we fight like fourth graders.
“I do. That's why I am whining. Why don't they just open the store earlier, so the line don't get so long.”
Than, Andy Frankes walks up to the doors of The Album, his store, and unlocked it.
“Come on!” I grab Joshin’s hand, and yanks him inside the door.
“Stop yankin me around, Hadley.” He yanks his arm back as soon as we are in the store.
“C’mon.” I run to the Stormy Rose album’s isle.
Stormy Rose was my favorite group of all time!!!!
And I am in love with Storm Black, the lead singer and namesake of the group.
My favorite songs are on this album, and I have to get the album before everyone else does.
“Found it!!” I yell, victoriously, “Last copy.”
“Yes!” Joshin pumps his fist into the air.
I roll my eyes, and walk to the check out station.
Twenty bucks later, I leave the store with the last copy of The Broken Rose.
My phone rings in my pocket as I walk down the sidewalk.
It’s Papi. My mother’s father.
My mother died when I was ten, and I was an only child, or so i though.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hello there! I'm here to give a review on this first chapter of your story, Beautiful Pain. Sounds pretty good, but there are some things you can improve on.
But i'm not gonna put all of the bad stuff on you now, let's start with the good stuff.
- The whole premise of your description sounds different than most romance stories i heard of before, which is a good thing in my opinion since a lot are not so different in plot, mostly characters are more different. And by the first chapter, i can confirm that it's way different. I like it.
That's one thing i like, here's one thing you can improve on (i'm not saying your work isn't good enough.)
- It feels like everything goes by too fast, maybe add a scene where they go to the store and pay for the copy instead?
Overall, it's great and i will keep reading until the last chapter. (sounds pretty dumb. but that's how i feel...)
Hi thatgeekygirl
the story is really good but I think you should give us a little more backstory on the characters. If you add a backstory, it helps the readers to know the nature of the characters Also, I think it was very short. The grammar issues have been already pointed out in the other reviews so I won't mention them. Overall, it's nice but I am kind of confused on what the book is about.
Nice work!
@KaiRyu? Could you read this one?
Hi Liz! Danni here for a review!
This was quite short, so maybe add some more things.
Also, you say Hadley has to get the album before everyone else, but the album she finds is the last copy? Shouldn't she be disappointed if she thought she had to get it first?
OK, grammar:
change to
What does says in my eyes even mean?
In the second paragraph you squish too many dialogue lines into one paragraph. Remember to start a new paragraph every time someone speaks, the scene changes or a new character is introduced.
Most of my problems with this have been covered by @neptune and @scarlettvee, so there's not much left for me to add.
Overall, I like the idea you're trying to get across, and I really enjoyed this story!
Keep up the good work!
Dan
Yeah, with the eyes part, I meant ears. And thank you Danni!!!
YW!! I will review the others as soon as I get a moment
YAY!
Hello ThatGeekyGirl!
Since this is the first chapter of your new novel (congratulations!), I thought I'd stop by and give some feedback and pointers for the future. Hopefully my advice helps!
I notice that the review below has pointed out a lot of grammar/syntax/spelling errors, so I'll skip the specifics. Just make sure you use commas only when necessary and capitalize letters of proper nouns.
Because we're only one chapter in, I have yet to discover their ages and the main character's preferred pronouns. It becomes hard to tell the reader the pronouns of the main character when writing in the first person, and age can sometimes be a difficult thing to bring up. Therefore, I have a suggestion. You can include these two things in a paragraph you've already written -- bold will be the added sentences.
Hopefully that made sense. This way, I'm providing important longterm information for the reader. I think these two things are essential in a first chapter.
Although this is fitting for a good cliffhanger, I wish it aligned with the context a little better. Right now, it feels like it is a little random. First, you're talking about her mother's father, and then you mention that her mother is dead. I want to have sympathy, but I barely know the main character! Perhaps you could lead up to that moment in a more transitional way?
Also, there are multiple ways to bring up the suspense even more at the end! Does Papi typically call Hadley? How does Hadley feel when she sees that it is Papi? Dive into these emotions and try out my suggestions! This may improve the cliffhanger.
This chapter was a little on the short side. Most of it was dialogue, too. To not only make it lengthier but to balance out the chapter's elements, my suggestion would be to add a substantial amount of description. Get the reader invested in the story; don't be afraid to describe appearance and setting. These are important for a novel to progress and keep the reader's attention. Mind you, you don't want an overwhelming amount of description, but a balanced amount with dialogue. Since you don't have much description, it's hard for me to capture exactly what's going on. For example:
You mention 'everyone else', but I didn't know there were other people around? You talk about them standing in line earlier on in the chapter, though I don't recall anyone speaking, walking around, or trying to get in the store. Really try to talk about the characters' surroundings!
You're doing a good job so far with this! You did nicely with the dialogue tags, and there definitely was a lot of variety with them! Make sure as you keep writing that you develop your characters and plot in the future. You want your characters to have depth and realistic aspects to them to make them interesting to the reader -- not like a Mary Sue character, but captivating for the reader. I can't wait to see you keep writing! If you have any questions or comments please let me know. I hope some of this was helpful!
Thank you for the review! I know that I have some mess ups and thank you for pointing out the ones that I didnt notice.
Hey there!
I really liked this story but I'm going to jump right into grammar first and then give you my reactions and overall review at the end!
Just delete "in the cold" from this line. The fact that she's shivering gives us enough information to let us know that it's cold outside
You need to add an extra space between "York" and "I" and you need to start a new paragraph after "aggressively" so that Joshin's dialogue starts on a new line
What do you mean by "says in my eyes"? I would recommend maybe doing this instead
Or something like that anyway. I like the hot breath on the back of her neck part, so I think you should keep that, but you should probably take out "says in my eyes" and play with a way to keep the flow in the sentence without it.
End the sentence with "growl" and start a new sentence with "we have"
Change it to "then" with an "e" instead of an "a"
Also, maybe show Andy Frankes walking up to the store, and Hadley realizing it's him, instead of telling us that he's arrived. You could describe him and talk about someone pushing their way through the crowd, and Hadley's excitement growing when she realizes it's the guy who's going to open the store where she can get this album that she really wants.
"yank" with no "s." Also, I think it would sound better if you deleted "the door." And you also don't need a comma after "hand"
the "I" should be capitalized, and there should be a "t" at the end of though.
Also, like what???? I was getting to the end of this story like, "oh this is just a cute little story of a girl getting her favorite album from a store." And then you hit me with this cliffhanger! I have so many questions right now, but in a good way. Questions that make me want to read more, and find out what this last sentence means, and what, if anything, it has to do with this entire first chapter.
However, possibly in the next chapter, maybe not in this one but definitely in the next one, you should show Hadley's reaction to this news that she gets from Papi. Like show her looking at the text and show her shock to pull the readers further into the story. You could also do it in this chapter if you want to, but with the way you ended it, you don't have to. I would definitely recommend you at least do it in the next chapter.
This story was really good though. I thought this was just going to be a short story when I first clicked on it (I didn't look at the tags above it correctly and didn't see that it was categorized under novel) so the cliffhanger at the end through me off, but again, in a good way. I really like it. And the rest of the chapter was really good as well. You've got some really good descriptions in there, like Hadley shivering in the cold, and Joshin's hot breath on the back of her neck. That phrase is always just one for me where I can really feel it, especially when contrasted against the freezing cold that they're standing in. So I really liked these descriptions. Good job on this chapter, and keep at it!
Until next time,
K.S. Valentine
Thank you so much! And the next chapter is in Storm's POV. It is going to alternate per chapter.