Girl in the Room

by Thalizar
  • April 18, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Narrative
  • Poetry
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Spoiler! :
I did write this as soon as I woke up this morning, just came into my head whilst listening to some Rise Against, so be kind and keep in mind of that. Also, I'm not a poet never really thought of ever writing poetry but remember to review and leave comments!


Spoiler! :
This was the original:

The silent child sits alone in the room.
The windows shut and the door closed.
She's afraid to turn on the light.
Shadows dance where she cannot see
and even though so close,
freedom seems like a world away

Sun rises but her room is still dark.
Covered in black from the night.
No one knows her fear,
but the people look for help.
They do not know of her,
but they cry in the shadows themselves.

The room is dark.
She sits, afraid.
A tear down her face and a cut on her arm.
A symbol of fear.

In this place,
freedom is not free.



The silent child sits alone in a room.
Windows shut and the door closed.
She's afraid to turn on the light.
Shadows dance where she cannot see,
and even though so close,
freedom seems like a world away.

Sun rises but her room is still dark.
Covered in black from the night.
No one knows her fear,
but the people look for help.
They do not know of her,
yet they cry in the shadows themselves.

The room is dark.
She sits; afraid.
A tear on her face and a cut on her arm.
A symbol of fear.

For in this place,
freedom is not free.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Matthews
Review
Matthews wrote a review · Mon Apr 18, 2011 8:47 pm

I liked this quite a bit. I'd like to first point out that you have an irregular pattern however. The first two stanzas match in length, and then suddenly it's got two abrupt little stanzas at the end.

Thalizar wrote:The silent child sits alone in the room. #800080 ">Maybe change the second 'the' to 'a', because it isn't a specific room...
The windows shut and the door closed. #800080 ">Take out the first 'the'. It's unnecessary. Maybe you could do
"Windows are shut, the door is closed." or something, otherwise it just seems like 'the' for everything.
She's afraid to turn on the light.
Shadows dance where she cannot see #800080 ">< Ad a comma at the end of this line.
and even though so close,
freedom seems like a world away #800080 ">Needs to be a period at the end. I LOVE this line!!

Sun rises but her room is still dark.
Covered in black from the night.
No one knows her fear,
but the people look for help.
They do not know of her,
but they cry in the shadows themselves. #800080 ">Try changing the 'but' to 'yet', since you used 'but' at the beginning of a previous line.

The room is dark. #800080 ">This line and the next are rather repetitive. The beginning of the poem already covered that, and it feels like you're just repeating yourself.
She sits, afraid.
A tear down her face and a cut on her arm. #800080 ">Try replacing 'down' with 'on'.
A symbol of fear. #800080 ">Nice!

In this place,
freedom is not free. #800080 ">Maybe ad a 'for' at the beginning of this stanza. It gives us a less abrupt feel. I like this ending, though. Good job!


OK, so I like this, but I think you should figure someway to fix up the last two stanzas. Maybe combine them into one, and ad a little. Good work!

User avatar
Upile
Comment
Upile commented · Mon Apr 18, 2011 8:44 pm

Hey there
I love this. Free verse is amazing, it allows words to flow right out of u without having to keep to the complexities of of rhyming. Keep it up.xxx Upile xxx

User avatar
AmeliaCogin
Review
AmeliaCogin wrote a review · Mon Apr 18, 2011 7:34 pm

Hi. I love this poem very much. You made use of very simplistic yet beautiful language. I like the mystery surrounding the poem...immediately the read asks so many questions regarding this girl and the room. I loved the last sentence - very good and very creative. Look forward to reading another of your works. Thanks, btw *like*...:)
~Amelia



something I have been thinking about ever since I saw the Super Mario Bros movie is how once I took a "what Nintendo character are you" quiz and I got Waluigi.
— Elinor