I recently went to a chicken pox party.
I really just wanted to take a gamble at a poem.
They aren’t really my thing. This isn’t supposed to rhyme,
and the rhythm is probably way off. Tear it to shreds.
Poem writing is a skill I need to learn!
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Pox Party
I walked up to the door
As my gut did li’l flips.
I hadn’t met these people.
My shyness took control.
We entered the light home
Welcomed with warm hearts.
Step one was now complete:
Get inside the strange place.
Jon offered me his lolli.
I blew bubbles with Kate.
Toy trains flew with Georgia.
I might have had some fun.
Then we had to leave.
Time had just blown by.
My sister was shocked.
Mom had hid the soap.
We picked up lunch
As we headed home.
Smiles came when Mom said
Nuggets and fries for all.
I had wanted the pox
Since I was ten years old.
That didn’t change a thing.
I had tried to get sick.
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
This was... interesting. But there was no real flow to it and the wording was off. It was nice and sweet but, I saw no real emotion or voice in it. This was a good try. Keep writing. It will get better. Again, it was a good poem. *Gold Star*
It comes off as kinda cutsey wootsey for more than a quarter of it then kind of loses me in abject randomness.
It has a focus, dont get me wrong, but it kind of jumps from thought to action then back to thought then reality, its actually kind of confusing, for me.
The play by play feel kind of killed it for me, I'm a lover of chaos, in works, however the plain, clear structure and flow worked well with this.
I feel you could have expanded on your wording and possibly used a few better word choices to get from the childish aspect and sort of make it a bit more mature, almost like a retrospect, even though this may be recent.
Keep it up ^_^
Exe's and Oh's, Eraqio J.
Now, I've never heard of a chicken pox party before. It sounds interesting though!
This was pretty fun to read, but I think it would have flowed a bit better with some rhyming like abcab...actually I'm not much help.
What I'm trying to explain, though I'm not all that good at critiquing, is that it seems like a fun poem and usually it's even funner with that pattern rhyming...thing.
...I think I'm confusing myself now.
Do you get what I'm trying to say though? Haha.
Anyways!
This is a good poem! There. That was nice, simple, and not so confusing. =D
~CBA
A chicken pox party?! :O
Okay, this really is off on the flow and I think this kind of poem - light hearted and kinda childish - is best when it rhymes, because it doesn that like... spaghetti rhyme, I think you call it and it gives it a certain rhythm.
It's a bit long too, but that's just personal preference.
I can't think of anything else - sorry this isn't very helpful. Keep writing!