Hmm, what's this. *Blows dust off 'Submit Something' button* Well, I'll be darned. I haven't used this in months!
Diclaimer: This was made to be melancholic. Sad. Upsetting. If you don't want that today, do not read. I didn't think this was Adeventure Fiction, and it wasn't Sci-Fi or Romance, so I slapped it in Other and hoped that was right.
Mama's all that matters.
The girl runs between burning buildings, the heat stinging her skin. Soldiers and townsfolk crowd the streets, screaming and shouting. Gunshots echo all around. The smell of burning wood fills the little girls nose, ash stinging her eyes. Nothing matters except finding Mama.
A heavy hand grasps her shoulder, making her shriek. She turns to see a mans cruel face frowning angrily at her. His breath smells like thrown-up cheese, making the girl wince. He pushes the girl against the wall of the grocer and holds a gun to her head. She wriggles and struggles, trying to escape. Nothing matters except finding Mama.
The man suddenly falls on the girl, his weight pushing her to the ground. She stares at the red water oozing from a hole in his back. The girl screams and pushes him off of her. Getting up, she continues looking. Nothing matters except finding Mama.
Sleepiness stalks her. She barely has the energy to stay awake. A running woman pushes the girl to the ground. Tears form in her eyes. She can’t continue. She’s too tired. But she has to. Nothing matters except finding Mama.
She stands up, her hands on her newly skinned knees. The little girl looks around frantically, her eyes scanning the scared faces of other girls’ mamas. Where is she? Where’s Mama?
“Annie!” the cry comes to the girls’ ears. “Annie baby! Come here!”
The girl turns around, her brown curls whipping her face. “Mama!” she screams. The girl runs to Mama and her waiting arms. She clings to Mama and her Sunday best, the blue dress smooth against her crying eyes. Mama whispers rushed comforts, but they don’t matter to the girl. All that mattered was finding Mama.
People rush around them, running from something. The girl looks up and wipes her tears away. A huge metal monster comes down the street, with more of the soldiers. They come, hurting people, making them fall to the ground. A pole sticks out of the front of the monster, shooting. The girl holds on even tighter. All that matters is staying with Mama.
A soldier comes up to them and pulls Mama away. The girl screams. Why is he taking Mama? Mama says to be quiet; that nothing’s going to happen. The man pulls out a knife, holding it to her throat. The girl watched in horror at what he does next, making more red water come. Mama groans and the man cuts her neck, Mama’s beautiful, beautiful neck, right where she would wear her pretty pearl necklace on Christmas Eve. All that mattered was staying with Mama.
The girl screams at the man and tugs at Mama, who he holds in his arms. He only laughs and kicks her aside. The girl cries on her pink skirt. The soldier listens to a shout in a strange language and drops Mama to the ground. The little girl runs to the still body, shaking her. “Mama!” she screams. “Mama, wake up!” All that matters is waking Mama up.
But Mama will never wake up.
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140,596 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
aww that was sad. Is it based around world war two or somethind? its just when it says 'The soldier listens to a shout in a strange language ' it makes me wander... I do that a lot lol. But it was really good and it sounds like somethind my neice would say because she's only four but she has a really good vocabulary and when she talks she sounds old for her age. But bearing in mind the little girl in this could be 10 or even 12 we don't know as you haven't specifically said so i think that makes it better, its really good and i think im going to look at more of your works lol x
This was very interesting. I was having a rather sun-shiny day, but I just had this strong urge to read this.
Anyway....
This doesn't really have a point, but in dramatic stories like this, the term the author uses for a mother is almost always Mama. Somehow, it makes us feel more for the character. *shrug*
After several repeats of, "Nothing matters except finding Mama," I kept waiting for you to slip the title in there somewhere.
Many reviewers have talked about your POV - childish or not? I don't think you have to put it in first person to make it seem like a child's story, but I do have a few suggestions. It might help if you make the thoughts a little more abrupt, not quite like the first chapter of "Life of Pi," but something along those lines. Make us imagine this little girl snapping her head back and forth at every possible sighting of her mother. Also, I would use more similies with colours, sounds, sights, etc. That might add to the childish perspective.
Though I like this paragraph, I find it sort of confusing. She seems so excited in the previous paragraphs, so panicked that I wouldn't think she would suddenly become horribly exhausted. Perhaps imply that she has been searching for a long time; her feet hurt; it's hot; she's thirsty...I don't know. It just seems a little out of place.
"the" of "the cry comes..." needs to be capitalized because it is not a continuation of the sentence in quotations.
Love this sentence. (I would insert a "thumbs up" emoticon, but I can't find one.
You use the word, "matter " a lot. Perhaps you could say, "but the girl doesn't care." or "but the girl ignors them."
I do think that you could stretch out some for dramatic effect and add more descriptions, but I really enjoyed reading your piece.
-Sea-
This is my first review, so I'm sorry if I'm no help. The beginning seemed to move really quickly. Like others have said before me, the girl only meets with one of the person before finding her mother. Also, it seems strange that they're wearing nice clothes, unless this was just the beginning of a take-over.
would wear her pretty pearl necklace on Christmas Eve.
It seems a bit strange to mention Christmas Eve to me, as you haven't really given any other detail about the place or time.
grocer
I think this should be 'grocery shop' or 'supermarket', as grocer sounds more like to occupation than a place.
I hope this helped, and I did like the piece, I just felt it moved too quickly. Good luck!
Thank you all for reviewing! I'll try ro edit as sson as possible, but my computer crashed so I'm having to use a friend's and don't quite have the time yet. But thanks, and I will edit!
[Here on request]
Okay, the previous editors have done quite a nice job with most of the corrections, and I strongly suggest you follow their opinions.
As far as the tone goes, I think you've done a wonderful job with building up a good setting and a sence of urgency.
I think that she could have been witnessing a few more acts of violence to prolong the search, and then the death scene of her mother could have been lengthened to add a dramatic feel. I agree with Andromeda in that Annie could be lashing out against the officer instead of standing idly by- it would add desperation to the scene, and show the full extent of Annie's helplessness. Or, you can have her trying to save her mamma, and then another solider comes up from behind her and holds her back, makes her watch. There's a lot you can do with any of the scenes here if you really want to. Also, I liked the reference to the pearl necklace mamma would wear, perhaps you should add more flashbacks like that. Show the reader what a kind and loving person mamma is, to make them feel even worse about her death. It's clear that Annie loves her, but you need to make the reader love her too.
Also, why were they seperated in the first place? And why was mamma dressed in her 'Sunday best'? Was something going on that day before the soilders came in?
I think this is a very good story, so don't be afraid to lengthen it a bit! Prolong the suffering of your readers and characters... I mean, add more detail to the scene so we get a better feel for the town.
Oh, that was the other thing I wanted to mention- I have no idea what time period this is in. Since you reference guns and tanks, but when I started reading it I had in mind a much older town. Try and add more details to help the reader understand the setting. Also, if this is a historical event, try and add clues as to which event it was.
I really liked this story, so I can't wait to see the edited version!
Hi Texan. The disclaimer promised me melancholy and sadness and I want to read even more now. Not only that, but the title is very attention grabbing.
So, I’ve never in my life heard of breath being described as ‘thrown-up cheese’ but I like the creativity here. The only real problem with it is that it seems out of tone with the story.
I love the repetition of this one line throughout the story. It makes an impact and drives that constant though home, proving the girls determination and desire to find her Mama.
Honestly, I think another word or phrase would fit in her better then saying ‘other girls’ mamas.’ Obviously, your trying to create a very childlike tone of voice for your character but this just seems awkward and stringy.
Honestly, the ending line here is good but ‘will never wake’ could easily become ‘never woke’ creating a shorter sentence with a stronger impact.
Overall, I have to say that this wasn’t exactly what I was expecting when I first read it. I was hoping for more emotion and more description. A little more length would have gone a long way here. Not only that, but the girl doesn’t seem to speak as a girl should in fact speak and there isn’t enough of a struggle to find her mama. She ran for a while, encountered two individuals, then found her mother. It isn’t much for a story line but with a little time and more work, it could even out.
Anyway, if you plan on editing this more, just send me a PM. I would love to read this again after its been touched up some more.
Hello! I'm Andromeda, here to review.
I think you're trying to capture a child's perspective here, but it's contradicting the way you've written the rest of the story. If you want to tell it like this, I suggest changing to first person. If not, change 'red water' to 'blood'.
Again, I feel like you're trying to capture that childlike essence, but it's just not working for me.
Here, I thought you meant he kicked the mother aside. Make it more clear to the reader.
I liked your story, but, as June said, you need to elaborate more! I think you need to choose a certain writing style and stick with it through the whole piece, since you jumped from non-childlike to tiny bits of childlike POVs throughout the whole thing.
Also, I'd like to see this expanded! It goes by too quickly for me to really capture any information, any of the atmosphere. Adding in more description will help beef it up. ^^
I think both characters need to struggle a bit more. Instead of the little girl just standing there and watching, why doesn't she kick and hit the officer? She's too little to cause any damage, but he can show annoyance. Prolong the mother's death- don't make it so short.
Your storyline was great, you just need to fill it up a bit and make the reader care by letting him/her get to know your characters a bit more.
PM me with any questions!
--Andromeda
Hey there! June here!
It seems like she should bump into more people.
The first thing I noticed about this story was that it is centered around a child. However, the voice that it's told in is not child-like at all.
The usage of "red-water" rather than just "blood" makes some parts seem a hint childish, but the other parts do not seem as if it's being told or witnessed by a child.
This story is horrific, but I don't feel that it has enough horror to it to make us sympathize with the little girl enough, dear.
Also, finding her mother came too soon. She only had one encounter with another person before she found her mother-- and that kind of didn't seem realistic?
Also, atmosphere! It sounds like a war scene, but what does the air smell like, what does it feel like, what does it look like? Elaborate on this.
Show us the character's struggle. The mother didn't put up much fight here, and I think she should have. I would just polish up a few things about this and I'm pretty sure it'll be wonderful.
That being said, I did enjoy this. It leaves room for elaboration should you choose to add in details and such, but on the whole, it's a great start dear.
Interesting work, keep it up! Gold star.
Juniper